Inappropriate boundaries with children

[cron65]

Can anyone relate to their ex-BPD taking her children into her bed. Mine has two boys(ages 8 and 12). and she takes them to her bed each night. Does anyone else have similar experiences with this?

Thank you

[Tincup]

My exgf would nap once in a while with her college age boy.  I thought that was strange.  she even said once that he stroked her hair so she could fall asleep... .

[Madison66]

My uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years sleeps with her three kids (d10, s8 and s6) with absolutely no plans to transition the kids to their own beds.  I don't know that this practice has anything to do with PD's, but the kids all have childhood anxiety disorder (along with other issues - OCD, Autism, etc.) and demonstrated during the time I was around the inability to self soothe.  Having a "child" parent children is going to cause issues and I can only assume the "family bed" situation isn't helping.  It also got in the way of any chance that I could integrate into the family situation, which looks to have been a blessing in disguise! 

[GreenMango]

If you read on the coping or healing relationships with a family member with BPD you will notice that kids of parents talk about how their parent struggles with boundaries.

Cultural norms aside, sometimes a parent with BPD requires emotional enmeshment.  Age appropriate boundaries may not be there and the parent may not have the skills.   Fear of abandonment isnt isolated to partners.  Some children experience emotional incest ... . where they are put in a position to provide the support normally given by a partner or when a healthy person can self soothe. 

If you share children with your ex it's important to get educated on healthy parenting and to help teach your children things like boundaries, self esteem, etc so they can manage a relationship with their parent. 

Cron do you have kids with your ex?

[cron65]

NO. They are her kids from her first marriage. The are really messed up. I couldn't begin to tell you. I truly feel sorry for the ex cause he is inextricably tied to her. I am convinced that he would sever all ties with her if it wasn't for the kids. He is well-aware of how messed up his boys are too.

[GreenMango]

It had to be really hard to watch those kids suffer.  It's also one of those situations where your hands are tied because they aren't your kids. 

[cron65]

It was hard. The are the victims here. Whenever I spoke up about anything, I was quickly rebuffed by either her or the boys. The boys themselves do not recognize normal boundaries. The whole situation is very abnormal and then coming years, as they enter their teen years, will be very tumultuous for sure.

[Madison66]

NO. They are her kids from her first marriage. The are really messed up. I couldn't begin to tell you. I truly feel sorry for the ex cause he is inextricably tied to her. I am convinced that he would sever all ties with her if it wasn't for the kids. He is well-aware of how messed up his boys are too.

cron65,

I can totally relate with your situation.  It was extremely hard for me to leave the r/s feeling such a sense of obligation and guilt for the kids.  This is something I really worked hard to overcome with the help of my T.  She helped me understand that I left the kids (and the ex gf) in a better place than I found them.  I also have a teen d and I came to understand that I could not be my true self or the best to those I love by remaining in the unhealthy r/s.  The focus then moved to me and my daughter.  Again, I totally understand your struggle to walk away from the situation especially the kids.  It's heartbreakingly hard!

[Turkish]

Can anyone relate to their ex-BPD taking her children into her bed. Mine has two boys(ages 8 and 12). and she takes them to her bed each night. Does anyone else have similar experiences with this?

Thank you

My kids wanted to sleep with me after their mom left. We did get them both out of the bed as newborns after a month (at my insistence, though culturally, the mom sleeps with the baby until it is one, but we don't live in her home country). I've slowly transitioned them back to their bed and crib, respectively. Sometimes DS4 wants to sleep in my bed, and I let him, though last night I asked him if he could stay in his bed (if only because we've gotten him off of wearing a night diaper and he's not quite gotten control of that yet). I did feel lonely and took the baby to lay in bed with me last night. I guess I have to watch myself, too, but she's not quite 2. I always put her down in the crib. I think their mom doesn't do this because her bed is occupied... . I might let DS4 sleep with me once during the week. The seperation is still new to them, but they are better than the first few weeks. I feel that they are more bonded to me, of course, since I'm not the one who neglected them for so long.

The emotional incest with regard to their mom is something I am watching for carefully, however. Shje's already telegraphed subtle signs of it.

[Sunny Side]

Cron, my ex often slept with her two kids S10 and D11 but mostly her son who was almost the mirror image of her physically and emotionally.   She had a terrible fear of sleeping alone some nights and often suffered anxiety and panic attacks, fear of intruders, etc. that would keep her up through the night.  She used the kids, imo, as soothing devices to alleviate these fears.

Later in the r/s (out of a 14-month period) I mentioned to her that sleeping with her S10 and D11 could become problematic and ultimately very damaging to them.  At first she scoffed (which was her typical reaction) and ultimately came around and started asking them to sleep in their own beds more often as they both had become quite accustomed to sleeping with their mom.

In hindsight my ex ran her household with little or no boundaries and they sometimes created questionable situations with her kids, i.e. walking around in scanty adult nightwear, cleavage spilling, etc.  But before her and my r/s I'm fairly sure this was a regular occurrence.