Did i hold onto her to avoid facing the past

[Boisnix79]

I think I may have been dealing with all of this drama because it was still better than dealing with how hard I am on myself... . The anxiety and roller coaster ride was better than having to face my dysfunctional and abusive childhood... .

I could be the healthy one, the sane one, the one that was a care taker... . instead of feeling not good enough... . like I do now...

I know the end of the relationship 9 days ago is still fresh, but what I'm thinking about more than anything is my family of origin. Seems like each layer of pain from that uncovers another layer of pain...

I hope I get back to happy sometime soon.

[Ihope2]

I can relate to this.  I think many of us who find me are codependent have unresolved issues stemming from whatever hurt we went through in childhood.  Emotional neglect, abuse, dysfunctional patterns of relating in our family of origin, etc.

Having to face up to a dysfunctional relationship with a spouse / partner with a PD, and having to deal with this relationship eroding away or exploding in our face - this brings up all that old, long-buried and repressed childhood stuff.   It sucks.  But only in dealing with our past and finding healing can we move on.

[heartandwhole]

Boisnix79,

These are great insights and I agree with everything you've written.  I definitely found the place in me where I choose to deal with my partner's drama in order to avoid my own.  Exploring my FOO issues and reading information on this site really opened my eyes to things I thought I was already aware of.  Of course, it went deeper than I thought.

Nine days is very fresh.  How are you coping with your feelings?

[Boisnix79]

My emotions are really all over the board... . yesterday I was calling family members to rehash old wounds and why what whens and then this morning after a night of vivid dreams I woke up much more clear headed... . So overall it feels like I'm headed the right direction...

Last night I made a plan to focus only on my job for the next few weeks... . going on here, learning how to detach and also my career... . I neglected it so much during the last 14 months that I'm excited to focus on ME!

I'm a bit of a mess and staying with a good friend, but he has helped me and overall I'm really pretty excited for the future... . She made me want a family and to settle down... . well today at least... .

Pretty normal to be all over the place at this point you guys think? Or am I now Bipolar!

[Waifed]

It is very normal to be all over the place after just 9 days.  You are probably still in the FOG and have picked up a lot of his/her bad traits.  I know I was pretty convinced i was the crazy one at the end (I was actually)but it was the constant emotional abuse that put me there.  It will take time to heal.  It is a slow process but it gets better with time and work on yourself.  You original question about staying to hold onto the past... . I think I was the opposite.  I was more worried about the future without someone that I felt so passionately about.  7 months later I am OK being alone but I still wonder if I will find that special someone.  I'm no longer sweating it and if it happens great.  Hang in there B.  Life will get much better if you focus on yourself.  After 7 months and lots of self work I am a completely different person and I like who I am now much better than the person I was before.

[Boisnix79]

Waifed:

I know what you mean, I started acting pretty terribly at times as well while with her... . But thinking back my little bad thing was made HUGE and her HUGE bad things were made tiny or non existent. SO I dont think I was unhealthy one, I made normal mistakes, reacted normally to abuse, and 14 months in had had enough and left...

Interesting you were afraid to be alone... . I mean I get the feeling but I was saying subconciously the drama from the relationship fills a void and gives you the spark that we desperately need to feel alive... .

PERHAPS alone we arent giving ourselves what we need... . SO in some ways any feelings are better than self abuse... . I know im super super hard on myself... . and I need to stop it... . Bob Newhart style

[Waifed]

B

It is way to early in the process to be hard on yourself.  You have likely experienced something that a "normally" functioning brain can not quickly process. Emotional abuse is subtle but can be deadly.  It kills the mind and spirit slowly.  Many of us have personalities that create the perfect cocktail when mixed with BPD traits to inflict intense damage on us.  Our personalities lead us to stay in the relationship too long believing that we can "fix" things.  You were strong enough to leave and you sill be strong enough to get past this.  You must be easy on yourself and give yourself lots of time.  I recommend the book "Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody.  It does a good job of explaining different FOO issues and the adult results of them.  It really put things into perspective.  I was amazed certain FOO issues create such universally similar personalities as adults.

[Boisnix79]

I will work on being easier on myself... . thanks waifed... (perfect name too)

Also the book sounds like something I should be reading...

I'm grateful to have help on here like this... . I still get tears in my eyes often when I think about how alone I felt and how much I put on myself in this relationship... . I know my brain needs time to process it though... .

Working on becoming healthier one day at a time

Do you think youre ready 7 months out to be with someone else?