Do things get worse after rekindling the relationship.

[popeye6031]

I finished with my fiancee 3 weeks ago and ever since she ahs kept insisting she wants me back (not her decision to make).

I have the occasional time where I feel sorry for her (a claimed suicide attempt last week) but have no intention of getting back with her.

I just wanted to hear about other people's experiences of a rekindled BPD relationship.

Did things get worse?  In other words, did the control, accusations, demands and abuse escalate the second time round?

I have heard that they will build the fence higher to make sure you do not escape and all claims of changing are rubbish.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi popeye, I broke up with my BPD gf and then got back together months later. We are still together right now.

She was mostly a waif and is currently in hermit/waif mode as far as I can tell. Very clingy. She never was verbally or physically abusive but mostly acted out with infidelity. This time around I told her I wouldn't put up with other guys, and I believe she understands I am serious as I was 100% no contact during the time we were apart.

I really have no idea what she is truly thinking and feeling inside, and a part of me is on edge waiting to see if the other shoe drops, so to speak. In some matters she's been a lot more flexible, so I've been happy about that.

She is making an effort. Our relationship is a work in progress. Nobody has a crystal ball, you don't need a personality disorder for things to not work out. It does make our relationship more challenging though.

I had to think what do I want from this relationship? What boundaries are important? What do I expect from her and what will I not get from her? How do I also take care of myself?

[WalrusGumboot]

In my experience, I recycled with my exBPDw three times before the divorce was final. Things were trending worse for years. The recycle just paused the trend, maybe making things "better" for a short period of time. The expectations change with a recycle. You are expecting more out of them, they are expecting more out of you. The expectations are dashed eventually, and that frustration and resentment gets piled upon the frustration and resentment that you already have. So the answer is Yes, it does get worse.

I have been a member here a long time and read uncountable posts and followed the progress of many friends, including those absolutely committed to making things work. Some saw improvements in their r/s, even over the long term, then all of a sudden I see them on the Leaving board. There are the lasting success stories, but it requires the unwavering commitment of BOTH partners to improve, and that takes extra effort by the pwBPD, and they are more prone to failures.

You haven't said "I Do" yet, so you are blessed in that respect to be able to make this very important decision while you still have your freedom.

[Aussie0zborn]

I finished with my fiancee 3 weeks ago and ever since she ahs kept insisting she wants me back (not her decision to make).

.   

Good.

I have the occasional time where I feel sorry for her (a claimed suicide attempt last week) but have no intention of getting back with her.

Very natural to feel sorry for her.

I just wanted to hear about other people's experiences of a rekindled BPD relationship.

Did things get worse?  In other words, did the control, accusations, demands and abuse escalate the second time round?

Yes they get much worse.  You left but then went back for more of their hell. This shows them how weak you are. In my case, there was a payback in the works for having the audacity to stand up for myself and leave her. The power was all mine and through my compassion I handed it all over to her for her to smash me with it.

I have heard that they will build the fence higher to make sure you do not escape and all claims of changing are rubbish.

Mine changed for the better, for at least a year, maybe more. This gave me the confidence to buy an investment property with her, then things went bad. The fence was now higher but unfortunately for her I'm not driven by money and she is about to find this out the hard way.

I believe things are worse after rekindling the relationship. They know how horrible they were to you and why you left and going back makes you a glutton for punishment. And they enjoy dishing out the punishment for having abandoned them.

[Madison66]

I left my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf three times during the last 15 months before finally leaving the r/s for good in early December.  While I didn't fully understand the emotional abuse I was allowing myself to endure during much of the r/s, I now understand that this is why I left the r/s each time.  When I'd return, there would be about a month of "peace" and then things would get worse than the time before.  I also know that attempting to flee the abuse, while totally understandable, probably triggered a deeper fear of abandonment within my ex gf.  In Oct '13, I was at the end of my rope and decided to only stay by living with healthy boundaries and attempting to reduce expectations.  My ex gf knew this and things grew even worse than before.  During the last month together, she began to abuse me physically.  That was the last straw and I was gone.

So, yes I found that things grew worse after each recycle.

[AwakenedOne]

I finished with my fiancee 3 weeks ago and ever since she ahs kept insisting she wants me back (not her decision to make).

.  

Good.

I have the occasional time where I feel sorry for her (a claimed suicide attempt last week) but have no intention of getting back with her.

Very natural to feel sorry for her.

I just wanted to hear about other people's experiences of a rekindled BPD relationship.

Did things get worse?  In other words, did the control, accusations, demands and abuse escalate the second time round?

Yes they get much worse.  You left but then went back for more of their hell. This shows them how weak you are. In my case, there was a payback in the works for having the audacity to stand up for myself and leave her. The power was all mine and through my compassion I handed it all over to her for her to smash me with it.

I have heard that they will build the fence higher to make sure you do not escape and all claims of changing are rubbish.

Mine changed for the better, for at least a year, maybe more. This gave me the confidence to buy an investment property with her, then things went bad. The fence was now higher but unfortunately for her I'm not driven by money and she is about to find this out the hard way.

I believe things are worse after rekindling the relationship. They know how horrible they were to you and why you left and going back makes you a glutton for punishment. And they enjoy dishing out the punishment for having abandoned them.

Aussie0zborn,

I know my uBPDstbxW is sick but I am not sure I noticed that she enjoyed acting out. You think they enjoy getting even etc... . ? Just wondering if you could explain that out of curiosity.

AO

[bpdspell]

It depends on what your "idea" of worse is. For me it's trust. My ex was a serial cheater and cheated on every woman he's ever been with.

Did that stop me from recycling? No.

I recycled with my ex three times before I was confident enough to put the kibosh on our roller coaster ride for good. So yeah lots of hot makeup sex and hokey pokey reappearances of idealization but most times I couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. And man. It is one of the most ___tiest feelings ever to not trust a person you love. It's like giving someone an open invitation to deep fry your heart on the third rail.

Trusting someone who's inclined to flip the script on you due to their mentally ill triggers was not something that I could live with for the rest of my life. Most recycles were about "not losing" for me. I didn't want to "lose" him to other women and I invested a lot of time, money and heart space with this person but I was incredibly unhappy. Addicted and unhappy =bad combination.

I always say you get up from the table when you're full. Many of us on here will recycle and long to reunite with these damaged souls and sometimes it takes a couple of tries before we can actually accept that there are a couple of utensils missing from their trays.

Our ex's are mentally ill and we need to let that soak in. With a borderline you are looking at an adult with an emotionally trapped child inside. You cannot make them "see you" they way you long to be seen by them. They will never "act" their chronological age. That is the sickness. You cannot "train" them. They aren't "pets" or "plants" that can be conditioned with love and TLC. When I was desperate to not lose this was my last ditch hope.

With each recycle the blowups from the both of us became more frequent. Lots of push/pull because we were both trying to "train" each other on how to exist within the relationship. It was utterly disastrous.

Spell

[Changingman]

They destroy all respect for you then hate you for it, even if you don't realise. If you stand up for yourself they will hate you for it, I you are angry, sad, happy successful, whatever they will eventually hate you for it. You are a screen to project all the toxicity that builds up in them. This has no external reality it is internal, add real life stress... . kaboom. Good luck

[Waifed]

One of the most difficult things to do in any relationship is to open you heart and lay it all on the line.  In a relationship with a pwBPD traits it is pointless to do so.  A BPD relationship is a total Catch 22.  It is a circle jerk.  You cannot win or ever be completely happy unless you are a doormat. I have chosen to move on for good because of this.  We all will once the pain far outweighs the pleasure.

[popeye6031]

Great to raed all these replies to re-affirm my choice to stick to my guns.

I have not gone NC yet but keeping It to a minimum.   She still messages rapidly if I do reply in a timely manner. The difference is now I don't give a crap about the reaction, I have the power.  She is being sweet as pie to me but I am not falling for the manipulation. We are done and. She needs to find another victim.

[LongGoneEx]

She was mostly a waif and is currently in hermit/waif mode as far as I can tell. Very clingy. She never was verbally or physically abusive but mostly acted out with infidelity. This time around I told her I wouldn't put up with other guys, and I believe she understands I am serious as I was 100% no contact during the time we were apart.

Do you not find it very stressful wondering if infidelity is just more craftily hidden now that she knows it's a dealbreaker for you? Ultimately the wondering ended it for me because I couldn't really believe that a pwBPD sticks to their vows beyond their next mood change.

[Fool for Love]

She was mostly a waif and is currently in hermit/waif mode as far as I can tell. Very clingy. She never was verbally or physically abusive but mostly acted out with infidelity. This time around I told her I wouldn't put up with other guys, and I believe she understands I am serious as I was 100% no contact during the time we were apart.

Do you not find it very stressful wondering if infidelity is just more craftily hidden now that she knows it's a dealbreaker for you? Ultimately the wondering ended it for me because I couldn't really believe that a pwBPD sticks to their vows beyond their next mood change.

Long , I can honestly say ... when I get down or sad ... I think to myself ... how miserable I would have been to always looking over her shoulder to see what's she up to... who is she talking to ... and god forbid I piss her off ... . The time I found out she cheated on me ... she told me it was because of a fight we had... . I actually apologized to her for putting her in that position ... she cheated on me ... and I was the one apologizing ... . over the last 6 weeks with NC I can't believe I disrespected my own values like that ... .

[Learning_curve74]

She was mostly a waif and is currently in hermit/waif mode as far as I can tell. Very clingy. She never was verbally or physically abusive but mostly acted out with infidelity. This time around I told her I wouldn't put up with other guys, and I believe she understands I am serious as I was 100% no contact during the time we were apart.

Do you not find it very stressful wondering if infidelity is just more craftily hidden now that she knows it's a dealbreaker for you? Ultimately the wondering ended it for me because I couldn't really believe that a pwBPD sticks to their vows beyond their next mood change.

I would be lying if I said that I never worry about her cheating. On the other hand, many people cheat, and most of them do not have personality disorders. A poll of Americans showed that the majority would cheat if there was no chance of being caught.

So I understand the fact is that I can only be responsible for my part. I can make decisions about what I will do in response to her behaviors, I can decide what my boundaries are and enforce them, not as a punishment for her bad behavior but as a way to honor my own values.

My anxiety is lessened by learning to let go. If she cheats again I will be disappointed, but that is all on her and not any reflection on me.

[charred]

People are different, your pwBPD may not be like mine.

I dated and then was abruptly dumped by my pwBPD about 30 yrs ago, then we got back together about 5 yrs ago, and had a very stormy r/s.

Time didn't make her better... it removed most of the moderation she had once shown in her behavior. What does make things worse... . is the memory/skepticism. Anyone that tends to lie a lot ... has to have a great memory, they have to keep the stories straight. When you argue with a pwBPD ... well they are good at it, and remember lots of details normal people would prefer to forget. When they paint you black and then miss you and decide to make up... . you almost have to forget the outrageous behavior they exhibited to take them back. So when you are back with them you see it as a fresh start, and hope for it to be 100% as good as it once was... . and that makes one of you.  The pwBPD... has a very good memory, a list of everything you ever said or did and seem to be watching for any sign of what they consider backsliding. Each breakup ratchets up the expectations they have, and reduces the chances of making it through a day without a blowup. Over time it went from months between fights, to days, to hours... at the very end... she couldn't be in a 15 min phone conversation without starting a fight over something.

So... do things get worse... . far more difficult with each breakup/rekindling. Most abusive relationships don't end till 6-7 recycles... . and I think the skepticism and watching for anything you ever did to piss them off... is a good part of why a BPD r/s seems to get much worse with recycles. Projection is a big thing as well... they accuse you of what they have done or thought of doing... . but part of that is projecting how they would act to you... . so if they would say everything is forgiven to get you back (and not mean it)... then they are absolutely sure that you must not mean it when you say everything is forgiven. Its not accurate, but if they were really rational all the time, it wouldn't be a disorder.

[popeye6031]

So, she is really begging me today to give her 1 more chance, saying how she can change and will do what I want.  She also posted a pic of us on my FB page with a caption about how much she missed and loved me.  I removed that from my page.  I am feeling sorry for her though and actually debating things in my head.   Need to stick to my guns.

[Trent]

So, she is really begging me today to give her 1 more chance, saying how she can change and will do what I want.

A predictable ruse

I am feeling sorry for her though and actually debating things in my head.

I went through the same internal debate through my 5-6 recycles.  The first recycle or two was because I thought she might actually be able to change.  The later recycles were due to me thinking I could handle the crazy in exchange for the good stuff.  Eventually, once the crazy reached a critical mass, I decided it wasn't worth it anymore.  3 weeks NC today!     The point being, you may need to recycle enough times to be convinced that you tried the best you could, and she won't change despite all the promises otherwise.  Talk is cheap, especially when coming from the mouth of a pwBPD.

Need to stick to my guns.

This!

[charred]

The oddest thing to me about the whole BPD r/s... was that it was totally egoic... it was false self 100%... it doesn't hold up to any kind of accountability. You are not in a relationship... . a relationship is a frozen noun describing relating... and to relate you have to be in the present moment. Most the appeals from a pwBPD are about past stuff or concerns about the future... and those are good things to get your stress level up and to get you disconnected from whatever they are currently doing or just did. If you do get back with your pwBPD... get some boundaries... and enforce them. Call them on lies, bad behavior, etc... I found that the wet blanket of being accountable as a partner in a r/s removed the magic and made it pretty clear how toxic my non-partner was. Good luck.

[Fool for Love]

Most the appeals from a pwBPD are about past stuff or concerns about the future... and those are good things to get your stress level up and to get you disconnected from whatever they are currently doing or just did.

Light bulb just went off That is all she would worry about... past and future ... . never really thought about that until you posted it... She could never live in the moment ... interesting... Thank you for that insight  

[LongGoneEx]

Call them on lies, bad behavior, etc... I found that the wet blanket of being accountable as a partner in a r/s removed the magic and made it pretty clear how toxic my non-partner was. Good luck.

Very well said. If it's a healthy relationship it would survive this approach but with a pwBPD/NPD it won't survive it.  So work on yourself to be ready for that, and to gently wave goodbye and go NC when they blameshift you about destroying "love."

[charred]

Most the appeals from a pwBPD are about past stuff or concerns about the future... and those are good things to get your stress level up and to get you disconnected from whatever they are currently doing or just did.

Light bulb just went off That is all she would worry about... past and future ... . never really thought about that until you posted it... She could never live in the moment ... interesting... Thank you for that insight  

My light bulb went off when I was stressed to point of hives... saw a T, he said read "A New Earth".

It is a book on mindfulness, and describes egoic behavior ...  and I realized, everything stressing me from my pwBPD was what could be described as coming from the false self. More to the point, actually staying present gave me back my balance and removed 99% of my stress(best $12 I spent in my life.)

Have since realized that most mental illnesses are judged on the basis of how conscious of and in the present a person is, or how removed from reality the person is... . and the degree of crazy goes along with the stress level. You want to be much happier, be in the moment and learn to be as stress free as possible. When you buy in to a pwBPD's ego boosting early on, it is your false ego that gets inflated like a balloon, and when the pwBPD dumps you... that is the balloon that bursts.  It isn't your real self and reality. If you were connected to the present... you would have no problems calling them on their actions... yet we all have had trouble doing that.

Most of us have FOO issues that pushed us to disconnect a bit from living in the moment... we become thinkers and people pleasers, we avoid pain and painful situations. We can keep people at arms length to protect ourselves... and accept sex, physical contact and inauthentic ego boosting compliments in place of the genuine/close intimate relationships we need. Our stress levels are a bit higher than most happy people, and that stress drives away a lot of  people, as it makes us too stressed to be truly intimate. Our pwBPD... have even higher stress levels, and are so desperate to be with someone they become nearly sociopathic... they see the world as scary and everything is either a last hope for being saved or part of the bad world they are running from, and the truth of anything they say isn't nearly as important as the overwhelming feelings they feel. On a bad day they can go off the deep end (like Jodi Arias)... on a good day, they can be sweet and child like.  But they are not genuine and my pwBPD completely lacked any integrity... . so after many years of trying to rationalize her bad behavior, and of trying to make a toxic r/s work... I finally accepted reality and started living in the present and refusing to play make believe with her.

[popeye6031]

Very well said. If it's a healthy relationship it would survive this approach but with a pwBPD/NPD it won't survive it.  So work on yourself to be ready for that, and to gently wave goodbye and go NC when they blameshift you about destroying "love."

So, you are saying it is just a matter of time before the "begging to startover" stops and I will painted black?

[LongGoneEx]

Very well said. If it's a healthy relationship it would survive this approach but with a pwBPD/NPD it won't survive it.  So work on yourself to be ready for that, and to gently wave goodbye and go NC when they blameshift you about destroying "love."

So, you are saying it is just a matter of time before the "begging to startover" stops and I will painted black?

Yes, if they're truly a pwBPD/NPD, that'd be what I'd be preparing for, based on my experiences/recycles. When you begin to enforce your personal boundaries, no matter how gently, they'll see it as a loss of control. It's about THEM and about their need to CONTROL. Which isn't what a healthy relationship is about.

[Take2]

Anyone that tends to lie a lot ... has to have a great memory, they have to keep the stories straight. When you argue with a pwBPD ... well they are good at it, and remember lots of details normal people would prefer to forget. When they paint you black and then miss you and decide to make up... . you almost have to forget the outrageous behavior they exhibited to take them back. So when you are back with them you see it as a fresh start, and hope for it to be 100% as good as it once was... . and that makes one of you.  The pwBPD... has a very good memory, a list of everything you ever said or did and seem to be watching for any sign of what they consider backsliding. Each breakup ratchets up the expectations they have, and reduces the chances of making it through a day without a blowup. Over time it went from months between fights, to days, to hours... at the very end... she couldn't be in a 15 min phone conversation without starting a fight over something.

So... do things get worse... . far more difficult with each breakup/rekindling. Most abusive relationships don't end till 6-7 recycles... . and I think the skepticism and watching for anything you ever did to piss them off... is a good part of why a BPD r/s seems to get much worse with recycles. Projection is a big thing as well... they accuse you of what they have done or thought of doing... . but part of that is projecting how they would act to you... . so if they would say everything is forgiven to get you back (and not mean it)... then they are absolutely sure that you must not mean it when you say everything is forgiven. Its not accurate, but if they were really rational all the time, it wouldn't be a disorder.

Bingo.  To all of that.

[Changingman]

Very well said. If it's a healthy relationship it would survive this approach but with a pwBPD/NPD it won't survive it.  So work on yourself to be ready for that, and to gently wave goodbye and go NC when they blameshift you about destroying "love."

So, you are saying it is just a matter of time before the "begging to startover" stops and I will painted black?

Yes, if they're truly a pwBPD/NPD, that'd be what I'd be preparing for, based on my experiences/recycles. When you begin to enforce your personal boundaries, no matter how gently, they'll see it as a loss of control. It's about THEM and about their need to CONTROL. Which isn't what a healthy relationship is about.

This is IT! Precisely.

My exWife after our last ever recycle put it like this... .

"YOU stopped trying"

This was true!

Not rising to the abuse, baiting, sex, nonsense... .is stopping trying to please their abusive, micky mouse behaviours

[mitchell16]

we recycled so many times I lost count in 3 years. and each time when we got back the first 3 or 4 weeks was te best each time but then whne she started her stuff the rages, the lying etc... .got worse each time. her drunken out of control behavior was the worse the last time. which by the way we had stay apart for about 8 months this last go around. we got back and all over again with 6 to 8 weeks same cycle.

This time she didnt wait her normal waiting period of about 3 weeks she started wanting a recycle again with about week. I resisted and still am holding strong but she has turned up the heat some. It breaks my hearte ach time she texts or call wanting us back. BUt really what for. I said it before it like have an car accident over and over. why would you do it.

[Emelie Emelie]

I was with my BF for almost a year and went through a hellish break up.  Wasn't sure I was going to survive it.  A few months later he promised the world if I'd just come back.  He never loved anyone the way he loved me and was totally committed to making it work.  Never stopped loving him (still haven't unfortunately) so I went back.  The second break up came after just five months.  Same deal.  Abrupt.  Cruel.  Horrible.  The good thing that came out of it is now I know.  For sure.  Despite his best intentions. 

[charred]

It wasn't till about the 8th/9th recycle that I finally radically accepted it wasn't ever going to work. Helped to see her as a disordered emotionally stunted 3 yr old faux mother figure in an adults body. That helped kill the magic. Mindfulness, staying in the present and refusing to be drawn in to lamenting the past or worrying about the future... helped to deal with parting. From beginning to end my BPD r/s covered 30 yrs... and she did not get better, she started out young and inhibited and mostly a sweet girl... but over time... embittered, far more cunning and at times downright scary/evil.

Thing about rekindling the r/s... they accuse you of forgetting things and gaslight... but they don't forget... at all, they keep track of small details (like con-men and accomplished liars do)... and then are more and more skeptical of you each recycle, and are faster to bolt and throw in towel. Also they seem to try much less (not that they did a lot to start with.)

The only sure thing about it is you will know for sure if it was good/bad if you do it, But the price can be very high. My world was forever turned upside down by getting back... divorce, loss of job, loss of illusions and excuses about the r/s... lots of pain. When people tell you don't... it is usually because we had same questions at one point and did... .and came to regret it.

I would steer people clear of BPD r/s if they can help it... if that is who you connect to, start seeing a T and working on it.

Good luck

[irishmarmot]

For me, in the few recycle attempts,  the abuse got worse.  She was a low-functionin BPD.  The best way for me to take care of myself is to avoid relationships with women suffering from BPD.  And they do suffer terribly and those enmeshed with them suffer also.  I have nothing but respect for a partner willing to go the distance.

[Changingman]

I would advise people who stay in PD relationships to see a T. There is something terribly wrong with you, if you are with them.

Of course it gets worst, abusers enjoy it, that's the point. Who enjoys hurting other people, sadists. Each time you recycle the message is clear... .it is ok to abuse me.

As I moved my stuff out with my xuBPDw a mutual female friend asked her if leaving an attractive husband halfway around the world on a beach was sensible? My xw said with a smirk on her face "I have nothing to worry about".

They really want total control to abuse you, each time you get charmed you are saying it's ok .

Good luck with all that

[Changingman]

Sorry I meant to say, people who lie and wear masks pathologically are at a disadvantage, it must be exhausting. Then to feel empty, depressed, paranoid etc Jesus who's got the time and energy?