Do things get worse after rekindling the relationship.

[Depression = 72% of members]

In the 16yrs I was with ex, we only recycled once.  But the last year after the recycle was by far the worst and most volatile.  Why?  In my case, I put up with a lot of ___ (self medicating himself with drugs, then alcohol, then ultimately women, which is why we broke up the first time) and he hated me for demanding better of him.  

When he came back, it was like I had given him permission to not respect me because I'd put up with ALL of that and then STILL took him back.  I had inadvertenly given him the green light to do whatever the hell he wanted, without consequence.

Unbeknownst to him, I grew a titanium spine while we were apart. I no longer tolerated his disrespect, so he'd push my boundaries and I'd stay firm - he HATED the new me.  Wanted the "old me" (ie Ms.Dependable Doormat).  I can't remember many days where we weren't bickering when he came back.  The first 2 weeks were great, but then it went downhill.

It still took me another year to decide that he'd never change.  I could only control me.  Then I discovered he was STILL cheating (or at least trying to, doesn't matter to me it was stepping outside the marriage) and broke it off forever.  That was my line in the sand.  I don't compete for my own husband.

I'm 9weeks free.  And loving it.  I will never be the same person I was before him.  But if being her got me here, I'd rather be the New Me anyway.  

My ex still goes through periods where he desperately wants me back.  But he wants the old me.  The New Me scares the hell out of him because he can't control her.

Good luck everyone.  I'd sooner be by myself forever than hitch my cart back on THAT pony.

[refusetosuccumb]

In the 16yrs I was with ex, we only recycled once.  But the last year after the recycle was by far the worst and most volatile.  Why?  In my case, I put up with a lot of ___ (self medicating himself with drugs, then alcohol, then ultimately women, which is why we broke up the first time) and he hated me for demanding better of him.  

When he came back, it was like I had given him permission to not respect me because I'd put up with ALL of that and then STILL took him back.  I had inadvertenly given him the green light to do whatever the hell he wanted, without consequence.

Unbeknownst to him, I grew a titanium spine while we were apart. I no longer tolerated his disrespect, so he'd push my boundaries and I'd stay firm - he HATED the new me.  Wanted the "old me" (ie Ms.Dependable Doormat).  I can't remember many days where we weren't bickering when he came back.  The first 2 weeks were great, but then it went downhill.

It still took me another year to decide that he'd never change.  I could only control me.  Then I discovered he was STILL cheating (or at least trying to, doesn't matter to me it was stepping outside the marriage) and broke it off forever.  That was my line in the sand.  I don't compete for my own husband.

I'm 9weeks free.  And loving it.  I will never be the same person I was before him.  But if being her got me here, I'd rather be the New Me anyway.  

My ex still goes through periods where he desperately wants me back.  But he wants the old me.  The New Me scares the hell out of him because he can't control her.

Good luck everyone.  I'd sooner be by myself forever than hitch my cart back on THAT pony.

[popeye6031]

Thanks for all the replies.

So, I have stood firm since breaking up over 3 months ago.

We are still in contact.  There is another guy ton the scene hat wants them to be a couple but she has told them she just wants to be friends.

He is certainly givnig her all the things she wanted, all the attentins she demands etc but it seems that he is an even more sensitive version of her.  On top of wantnig to know where she is at all times , controlling etc, he has cried and begged on many occasions when they end up in fights.

I also think he has already been doing the dirt on her and lying about it.  So, he really is like her, it seems.

She asks me every week to take her back and give her another chance.

She admits that she was a bad partner and will do whatever it takes to make me happy.  I have told her that she is who she is and I do not think she is capable of changing and cannot be expected to.  She will then say she unserstands my viewpoint and is willing to wait for how ever long it takes for me to give her another chance.  It does cross my mind to do it as her behaviour does not seem like  what it was.  She now seems more controlled, understanding and is not painting me black at all. 

But I don't know if this is just in an attempt to get me back.  And that things would quickly

return to how they were.   Anyway, all I know is I am a lot happier now than when we were together.

[shellsh0cked]

She was mostly a waif and is currently in hermit/waif mode as far as I can tell. Very clingy. She never was verbally or physically abusive but mostly acted out with infidelity. This time around I told her I wouldn't put up with other guys, and I believe she understands I am serious as I was 100% no contact during the time we were apart.

Do you not find it very stressful wondering if infidelity is just more craftily hidden now that she knows it's a dealbreaker for you? Ultimately the wondering ended it for me because I couldn't really believe that a pwBPD sticks to their vows beyond their next mood change.

Long , I can honestly say ... when I get down or sad ... I think to myself ... how miserable I would have been to always looking over her shoulder to see what's she up to... who is she talking to ... and god forbid I piss her off ... . The time I found out she cheated on me ... she told me it was because of a fight we had... . I actually apologized to her for putting her in that position ... she cheated on me ... and I was the one apologizing ... . over the last 6 weeks with NC I can't believe I disrespected my own values like that ... . 

Believe it... .when you're in that position, you only put out fires really.  You've basically obligated yourself to that person by this time... .that you've become so co-dependent that you don't even know who the hell you are anymore... .I heard every excuse in the book for her promiscuity/infidelity like "we weren't together at the time!" (had a fight hours before), or "I did it to get over you!", or "you made me feel so unattractive that I had to do it... .so I could feel attractive!"  That last one?  Wowza... .who thinks like that?

But the original question?  In my case they certainly did get worse.  It went from crazy to insane... .I know that just my presence made things worse for her... .Staying with her was bad for both of us.  We both kept coming back... .for me probably the idealization and sex... .for her probably the feeling wanted and the sex... .The sex was really the only good thing in this relationship and really intense sex seems to be a factor in most of these BPD relationships... .I'm guessing due to the idealization stage?... .whatever the reason... .It finally ended with an attempt on my life by her, $4000 worth of damage to my car, and some serious legal trouble for her... .strained friendships,... .Plus about 18 months of PTSD from the whole traumatic experience that had serious effects on me becoming involved again with someone else.  Parts of it I may never get over.  

There is a page somewhere here on this site that talks about opening the door for "very bad things to happen" when staying with a BPD partner and these recycles.  Break them and get on with your life... .Save yourself from what I went through.