Son & DIL

[Parents! Get help here!]

OK, I could use some suggestions for help. MY uDIL is off the charts jealous of my two daughters. At my oldest daughters engagement party my uDIL hid in a closet and cried the my daughter never liked her. My son of course went and got his sister and the majority of her party she was inside talking to my uDIL trying to convince her that she was liked. This was a disaster. Ever since meeting my eldest daughter my uDIL seems to have made it her mission in life to convince my son that we don't love him or their children as much as we love my daughter and her child.

We were so innocent and had never heard of BPD before and had never had anyone like this in our life. We just kept trying to make her understand we did like her and wanted to get to know her. Then we would do something terrible like jump in the car to go to a store and if my uDIL ended up in the back seat we would here from my son later that we had broken her heart and how could we treat her like that... .

I took her in when she was very sick and pregnant and took care of her and her little one. We let them live with us. For what I did she seemed to take everything we talked about and turn it around and tell my son we didn't love him. This was such a bunch of hurtful baloney as the one thing I knew in life was that I was a very good Mom and loved all my children. She would take things like me talking about how my daughter learned to read early in life and combine it with how we talked about how our son loved matchbox cars. Then she would tell our son we said he was stupid and could only play with cars while his sister was so much smarter than him she learned to read early. We were constantly shocked.

Then one of our sons came down with a terrible form of pneumonia and died. He was a beautiful, sweet and kind young man. We were devastated. Our son and uDIL lived in another state by then. My husband and I of course were in mourning along with all of our family. Our uDIL decided I was mourning too long and did everything she could to convince my son I loved his dead brother more. She then cut us off from our grandchildren because we were too unhealthy to be around them. We felt like we had lost two sons.

Another time when they came back to live in our city, she had became angry again... . I don't remember why... . and she took our youngest daughter, who we adopted as a special needs baby and had a nervous disorder, into a bedroom and told her that she should never believe her mommy loves her. That I would always lie to her and say I do but that I don't really love her. I think our little daughter was about 8yrs old right then... . Our little daughter came to us and we comforted her and told her that the uDIL has a problem in her mind and that it is a sickness. I also had to promise her that she would never ever have to be alone with her again.

It just goes on and on. I searched out her symptoms years ago and bought the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. The book was very helpful as we go through the constant ups and downs with our son. I can hear her in the background whenever we talk to our son. She says the most horrible things about us in front of our grandchildren. This is the part that is just so heartbreaking. It also heartbreaking to see our son allow her to say horrible things and believe we love his siblings more than him. Most of the time he looks like a zombie when we see him. I don't understand how he can keep going.

2013 was and incredibly hard year for us. My dad became ill and I had to be at the hospital with him. When I would leave him I would go to his house for a while to be with my mom who was dying and be with her and her hospice workers a bit. Finally my dad was well enough to come home and then my mom got worse and died in my arms. It was an incredibly sacred experience but I was exhausted. Then we lost our business because of the economy. Then I became deathly sick with an illness from black mold. We had had a flash flood a couple of years ago which flooded our home. We were unaware of the mold growing behind our walls. I ended up having to be on oxygen and my daughter had to come get me and take me to her house. I was going into convulsions from the mold toxins going to my brain. We tried to short sell our home with the understanding that the new owners would know about the black mold and the clean up that had to be done. No one wanted the house and the bank put it up for auction.

Our special needs son turned 15 and got into major trouble and is now in a special center to help him and get him back on his feet. This was another devastating blow for us. He just blocked us out and got into trouble. He is doing amazingly well now and we are so proud of him. So the problem we have now is that we agreed to let our son married to the uDIL have contact with his little brother. This was a huge mistake. She has gotten involved and is saying all kinds of hurtful things to him about how now that we are living with out daughter until we find our own safe house for me that we are not on his side. That we are against him. We have let his counselor know and they are working on what to do about repairing the damage.

We also have a wedding coming up. Our new DIL to be is very quiet and sweet... . the other uDIL got a hold of her and is now a bridesmaid in the wedding. We are on the bad list again because I made a card for my granddaughter and bought her a present but did not call on her birthday. Well actually... . I don't think we have every really been on her good list for longer than a month or so. The tough part for us is that we can never win. If we had called on her birthday we would be accused of butting into family time. Or the call would have been OK and we would have been stuck on the phone for no less than 2 hrs hearing about anything our uDIL wanted to talk about.

We are hurt that our son allowed her to say bad things about us to our son in the center. She also tries to sat things to the other brothers who want nothing to do with her. They meet once in a while to see their brother.

I know she is ill. I need to keep my youngest children safe from her. The wedding is coming up and we are praying she doesn't cause a big scene. Our youngest daughter, the one she told that her mommy will never love her, is also a bridesmaid. She is a teenager now but still has a nervous disorder and doesn't want to be alone with her. We will do everything we can to have a peaceful and beautiful wedding.

After the wedding is over we will have to confront them on what they have said to our son who is getting help.

I hoping I will get some suggestions on here about how to live with an uDIL. How to keep the peace at family get togethers and how to keep our youngest safe while still having some type of relationship with their brother. I would also love some ideas about how you stay in touch with your son and grandchildren. I know this is long so thank you for taking the time to read it.

[Peaceful Life]

OK, I could use some suggestions for help. MY uDIL is off the charts jealous of my two daughters. At my oldest daughters engagement party my uDIL hid in a closet and cried the my daughter never liked her. My son of course went and got his sister and the majority of her party she was inside talking to my uDIL trying to convince her that she was liked. This was a disaster. Ever since meeting my eldest daughter my uDIL seems to have made it her mission in life to convince my son that we don't love him or their children as much as we love my daughter and her child.

We were so innocent and had never heard of BPD before and had never had anyone like this in our life. We just kept trying to make her understand we did like her and wanted to get to know her. Then we would do something terrible like jump in the car to go to a store and if my uDIL ended up in the back seat we would here from my son later that we had broken her heart and how could we treat her like that... .

I took her in when she was very sick and pregnant and took care of her and her little one. We let them live with us. For what I did she seemed to take everything we talked about and turn it around and tell my son we didn't love him. This was such a bunch of hurtful baloney as the one thing I knew in life was that I was a very good Mom and loved all my children. She would take things like me talking about how my daughter learned to read early in life and combine it with how we talked about how our son loved matchbox cars. Then she would tell our son we said he was stupid and could only play with cars while his sister was so much smarter than him she learned to read early. We were constantly shocked.

Then one of our sons came down with a terrible form of pneumonia and died. He was a beautiful, sweet and kind young man. We were devastated. Our son and uDIL lived in another state by then. My husband and I of course were in mourning along with all of our family. Our uDIL decided I was mourning too long and did everything she could to convince my son I loved his dead brother more. She then cut us off from our grandchildren because we were too unhealthy to be around them. We felt like we had lost two sons.

Another time when they came back to live in our city, she had became angry again... . I don't remember why... . and she took our youngest daughter, who we adopted as a special needs baby and had a nervous disorder, into a bedroom and told her that she should never believe her mommy loves her. That I would always lie to her and say I do but that I don't really love her. I think our little daughter was about 8yrs old right then... . Our little daughter came to us and we comforted her and told her that the uDIL has a problem in her mind and that it is a sickness. I also had to promise her that she would never ever have to be alone with her again.

It just goes on and on. I searched out her symptoms years ago and bought the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. The book was very helpful as we go through the constant ups and downs with our son. I can hear her in the background whenever we talk to our son. She says the most horrible things about us in front of our grandchildren. This is the part that is just so heartbreaking. It also heartbreaking to see our son allow her to say horrible things and believe we love his siblings more than him. Most of the time he looks like a zombie when we see him. I don't understand how he can keep going.

2013 was and incredibly hard year for us. My dad became ill and I had to be at the hospital with him. When I would leave him I would go to his house for a while to be with my mom who was dying and be with her and her hospice workers a bit. Finally my dad was well enough to come home and then my mom got worse and died in my arms. It was an incredibly sacred experience but I was exhausted. Then we lost our business because of the economy. Then I became deathly sick with an illness from black mold. We had had a flash flood a couple of years ago which flooded our home. We were unaware of the mold growing behind our walls. I ended up having to be on oxygen and my daughter had to come get me and take me to her house. I was going into convulsions from the mold toxins going to my brain. We tried to short sell our home with the understanding that the new owners would know about the black mold and the clean up that had to be done. No one wanted the house and the bank put it up for auction.

Our special needs son turned 15 and got into major trouble and is now in a special center to help him and get him back on his feet. This was another devastating blow for us. He just blocked us out and got into trouble. He is doing amazingly well now and we are so proud of him. So the problem we have now is that we agreed to let our son married to the uDIL have contact with his little brother. This was a huge mistake. She has gotten involved and is saying all kinds of hurtful things to him about how now that we are living with out daughter until we find our own safe house for me that we are not on his side. That we are against him. We have let his counselor know and they are working on what to do about repairing the damage.

We also have a wedding coming up. Our new DIL to be is very quiet and sweet... . the other uDIL got a hold of her and is now a bridesmaid in the wedding. We are on the bad list again because I made a card for my granddaughter and bought her a present but did not call on her birthday. Well actually... . I don't think we have every really been on her good list for longer than a month or so. The tough part for us is that we can never win. If we had called on her birthday we would be accused of butting into family time. Or the call would have been OK and we would have been stuck on the phone for no less than 2 hrs hearing about anything our uDIL wanted to talk about.

We are hurt that our son allowed her to say bad things about us to our son in the center. She also tries to sat things to the other brothers who want nothing to do with her. They meet once in a while to see their brother.

I know she is ill. I need to keep my youngest children safe from her. The wedding is coming up and we are praying she doesn't cause a big scene. Our youngest daughter, the one she told that her mommy will never love her, is also a bridesmaid. She is a teenager now but still has a nervous disorder and doesn't want to be alone with her. We will do everything we can to have a peaceful and beautiful wedding.

After the wedding is over we will have to confront them on what they have said to our son who is getting help.

I hoping I will get some suggestions on here about how to live with an uDIL. How to keep the peace at family get togethers and how to keep our youngest safe while still having some type of relationship with their brother. I would also love some ideas about how you stay in touch with your son and grandchildren. I know this is long so thank you for taking the time to read it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

  to you!  I know this is an extremely difficult condition and its hard to know what to do or how to handle it!  I am not expert.  There are parents here who have been on this board a lot longer than I have.  I think what I would do first of all is make sure you continue to let your other children know whenever you have the chance, that you love them, in whatever ways you choose to convey that message!  Second, when she says anything negative or begins to cry or create a scene in your presence, try validating her and move on, ignoring her behavior if you have to.  You might say something like "you seem angry about something right now" or "You just said you do not believe I love my son as much as I love my daughter."  "I do love him dearly and what you said is very hurtful to me."  "Can you tell me a little bit about what makes you feel that way?"  Do not allow her to pull you into an argument.  If she answers whatever question you asked her, just validate again and try to move on.  Hopefully you will get more advice here than what I have been able to provide.  I do understand your frustration and hurt.

[Peaceful Life]

Thank you BioAdoptmom3, You have very good advice. We have asked her questions like you have advised in the past and she keeps going for 3 hrs or longer. We have been up all night on different occasions. Is there a way to listen a caring amount of time and then cut it off without being put back in the perpetrator category?