BPDgf left me for another guy over a year ago, wants to be friends now

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Over a year ago, my then-undiagnosed BPDgf left me for another guy (this was after repeated attempts by me to leave the relationship were met with her begging me not to leave, including threats of suicide).  I took the normal post-BPD breakup route and resolved to maintain no contact.  It took a long time for me to get over most of the pain, and I still thought about her and her betrayal on an almost daily basis.  I had mostly reached the point of indifference about her until a few days ago, when I got an email from her.  Just seeing her name gave me anxiety to the point that my head started spinning.

In her email, she apologized for the way that she treated me but said that she "really needs me right now".  She said that I was her best friend during our time together (what a way to treat a best friend) and that she could really use a friend, saying that she missed talking to me.  Perhaps against my better judgment, I responded to her because I was afraid that she could be suicidal, and I said that if she needs to talk then we can talk.  She said that she's lost all of her friends and that she wanted to know what I would change about her as a person because she had no one else to talk to.  I responded by saying that I was certain that she had BPD and that she needs to get that resolved, listing just some of the ways that her behavior negatively affected our relationship.  She replied by apologizing for the ways that she hurt me and by thanking me, saying that she was already going to therapy and that her therapist had diagnosed her with BPD months ago.  She also asked how my life was going, saying that it brings her comfort to talk to one of the few people that she trusts, and I gave her a few details, asking her how life was going as well.  She said that she had a suicidal episode, which is what caused her to go back to therapy.

She then mentions that she knows that I wouldn't want to hear about her bf but that they're still together.  I immediately felt nauseous when I read this because it opened the floodgates of anger that I felt about how we broke up.  I have no desire for us to get back together or for us to even be friends, so to have one of the most painful times of my life thrown back in my face after I thought that I wouldn't have to see or hear from her again is too much for me to want to deal with, and on top of that I have to deal with the fact that she didn't pursue this type of therapy when we were together.  I don't know if she mentioned the bf to warn me against trying to rekindle the relationship (I would never) or if she was being passive-aggressive.

What I'm asking all of you now is what can I say to gracefully exit the conversation?  I had already been telling her that we can talk but that I can't promise that we can be friends, and I had also told her that I wasn't sure how long I would want to keep talking to her for.  However, I don't want to make it obvious that her bf is the reason.  Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[WT]

Over a year ago, my then-undiagnosed BPDgf left me for another guy (this was after repeated attempts by me to leave the relationship were met with her begging me not to leave, including threats of suicide).  I took the normal post-BPD breakup route and resolved to maintain no contact.  It took a long time for me to get over most of the pain, and I still thought about her and her betrayal on an almost daily basis.  I had mostly reached the point of indifference about her until a few days ago, when I got an email from her.  Just seeing her name gave me anxiety to the point that my head started spinning.

In her email, she apologized for the way that she treated me but said that she "really needs me right now".  She said that I was her best friend during our time together (what a way to treat a best friend) and that she could really use a friend, saying that she missed talking to me.  Perhaps against my better judgment, I responded to her because I was afraid that she could be suicidal, and I said that if she needs to talk then we can talk.  She said that she's lost all of her friends and that she wanted to know what I would change about her as a person because she had no one else to talk to.  I responded by saying that I was certain that she had BPD and that she needs to get that resolved, listing just some of the ways that her behavior negatively affected our relationship.  She replied by apologizing for the ways that she hurt me and by thanking me, saying that she was already going to therapy and that her therapist had diagnosed her with BPD months ago.  She also asked how my life was going, saying that it brings her comfort to talk to one of the few people that she trusts, and I gave her a few details, asking her how life was going as well.  She said that she had a suicidal episode, which is what caused her to go back to therapy.

She then mentions that she knows that I wouldn't want to hear about her bf but that they're still together.  I immediately felt nauseous when I read this because it opened the floodgates of anger that I felt about how we broke up.  I have no desire for us to get back together or for us to even be friends, so to have one of the most painful times of my life thrown back in my face after I thought that I wouldn't have to see or hear from her again is too much for me to want to deal with, and on top of that I have to deal with the fact that she didn't pursue this type of therapy when we were together.  I don't know if she mentioned the bf to warn me against trying to rekindle the relationship (I would never) or if she was being passive-aggressive.

What I'm asking all of you now is what can I say to gracefully exit the conversation?  I had already been telling her that we can talk but that I can't promise that we can be friends, and I had also told her that I wasn't sure how long I would want to keep talking to her for.  However, I don't want to make it obvious that her bf is the reason.  Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[GuiltHaunted]

No experiences like that, but how about:

"It was good hearing from you, I am glad you are going to therapy and hope it will help you out. Maybe we will run into each other some point in life again. Until then, take care of yourself!"

Shows that you are ok with the communication that has taken place, but you are not interested in resuming it permanently.

If she persists, how about a white lie.

"I met this girl and we are slowly starting to see each other, I don't want to communicate with my ex out of respect for her".

If she asks what you would want her to change, perhaps it could be a sign that it is not working well with her new bf. Otherwise, why would she want to change?

Also, don't assume she is going to therapy because she wants to make more effort with her new bf, than what she wanted to do with you (it sounds like you interpret it this way). It could be that the circumstances (suicidal episode) pushed her to do so, which in turn got her diagnosed. So now that she has a diagnosis, she has a path for her to work on, that she didn't have when she was with you. Assume she is doing it for herself, and not for the sake of her new bf. No need to beat yourself up that she wants to make more effort with someone else than you - when you have no idea if that is the case.

[winston72]

Hey WT!  

I think you can be honest with her without needing to give a lot of detail.  You can tell her that it is best for you if you withdraw from the dialogue with her as it is uncomfortable for you... . or whatever adjective you might choose.  You can wish her the best in her future, hope her therapy goes well, but that it is just better for you to move on... . or you don't even need to say that much!  What I want to say is that you can be kind and easy in your tone without needing to go into detail.  

It is appropriate and gracious for you to be honest with her about your desire not to continue the dialogue.  It seems clear now that it would not be good for you... . so don't do it!

I did have a similar situation with my ex; not concerning her need to talk but rather her mentioning other men to me with the caveat that it was probably awkward for me to hear it.  It is a strange conversational dynamic... . that preamble was my ex's way to make it hard for me to object... . and then to go ahead and talk about it.  Not good for me!  It just highlighted for me that I could not participate in such a conversation with her, or rather I just did not want to.

No need to overly strategize or shape what you will say to her... . just be honest but succinct.

But, now that I have typed some thoughts I realize I should have asked you what you have in mind!  What is your inclination here?

[LongGoneEx]

  I don't know if she mentioned the bf to warn me against trying to rekindle the relationship (I would never) or if she was being passive-aggressive.

What I'm asking all of you now is what can I say to gracefully exit the conversation? 

It seems to me that you don't need to say anything. If she needs a shoulder to cry then by her own account she's got her therapist and her boyfriend. She's their problem now. Go NC and stay that way.

[willy45]

Yup. Stay away. Read my posts. Almost the same story minus any mention of getting help. Same thing about being 'best friends' and blah blah blah. If it is going to cause you any kind of pain, which it sounds like it has already, don't do it. She is not your problem anymore.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi WT, that sounds like a painful and unhappy experience. Please take care of yourself. If you have no intention of being friends, you can still be kind in letting her know that you wish her the best but are not interested in pursuing further dialogue.

Many people with BPD are boundary breakers, so if you choose to stop communication, you may have to enforce that on your end. It sounds like it is difficult for you to communicate with her because of the emotions it brings up, right? You don't have to explain this to her in detail but simply be clear.

It's tough... .  

[WT]

Thanks for everyone's replies.  I think I like GuiltHaunted's white lie the best so I might go with that.

GuiltHaunted: I know that it was her suicidal episode that pushed her into therapy.  I guess I'm mostly lamenting the fact that she had made suicidal threats to me as well that didn't lead to anything.  In any event, you're right that it's not something worth dwelling on.

winston72: That preamble is quite the killer, isn't it?  "I know you don't want to hear this potentially devastating news, but... . "

LongGoneEx: You're absolutely right that she's their problem now.  I know that I don't owe her anything, not even a response, but it's hard for me to blow people off, especially if she's really trying to turn her life around.  I guess I mostly don't want to "confirm" for her that her BPD feelings were correct that everyone will eventually abandon her.  At the same time, I know that NC is definitely the way to go.

willy45: I'll definitely take a look at your posts later.

learning_curve74: She's definitely always been a boundary breaker, so hopefully she'll get the hint.