Will i ever find Closure?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

I was hoping by now that I would have found some peace of mind and closure with this never ending emotionally draining experience with my ex wife who has consistently displayed most traits of BPD. (my former therapist has confirmed that its highly likely she suffers from BPD).

Without a doubt, the fact that I have a child with my ex BPD wife makes it significantly harder to cope at times;

especially a son who suffers from a form of Asperger's. my son is very intelligent, goes to a normal school and very friendly, but has also been affected my ex wife's personality.

I separated from my ex wife 27th March 2010. went through with the divorce in April 2012.

since we separated we have discussed getting back together on a number of occasions, both before and even after the divorce.

I have certainly tried very hard to make this happen, but I get absolutely know help from her side.

Since we separated, I took my ex wife twice to court because she restricted access to my now 11 year old boy, most probably to punish me for leaving.

the second time i went to court was to report to the court that the court orders already made by the first judge were not being obeyed by her.

the second judge absolutely made a mockery of her as my ex wife had nothing to justify her actions.

at this time I was in a relationship with another lady who treated me very well, to the point where it was a little uncomfortable because I was not used to this. the relationship with this particular lady lasted about 12 months. we were discussing moving in together, getting married some day and having a child with her.

However just when I was going to totally commit to this lady, I was still thinking about my ex wife and child constantly and wanted to give it one last chance with my ex wife. so as crazy as this sounds, my ex girlfriend and I broke up and soon I was back spending time with my ex wife and child again.

I have not lived with my ex wife and child since we separated in march 2010 and have only spent most Sundays together and sometimes the odd day during the week.

I have not spent one on one time with my ex wife to discuss how we can make the relationship work since so called reuniting in August last year.

Some Facts About My Ex Wife:

1. She has remained single since we separated.(this alone makes it harder for me, because her door is always open and in turn its easier to manipulate me)

2. She was always a loyal wife and has since been a very loyal partner

3. She is a very committed mother to my boy and looks after him well

4. She is very intelligent and professional employed as a very sought after optometrist

5. She doesn't like to go out to social functions, doesn't drink, smoke & refuses to take medication other then insulin

6. She is type 1 diabetic and this alone affects her moods, let alone her traits of BPD

7. She always leaves the 'door open', however never puts in the time and effort to make the relationship work

8. She is incapable of having those heart to heart talks that are required for a healthy relationship (she always avoids them)

9. She very rarely compromises

10. She very rarely communicates effectively to discuss our relationship (if she does, its always in the presence of my son)

11. She rarely encourages one on one time, with just her and I so we can discuss possible ways to make our relationship work.

12. She can always sense when I truly have had enough and then she will start to do things that make me think she is not that bad overall, then she is nice for a short period, then the cycle continuous over and over again.

13. Its always about her; in general I am a positive and happy person, but sometimes after lengthy relationship stress with her, I get a little depressed (as I feel now) and its at these stages that she turns more nasty and cold.

14. I know the connection I have with her is not healthy, but its so strong.

15. Although rare, the few times I am intimate with her is very passionate.

16. Although I see my son regularly now, I have never had overnight access with him as my ex wife is so obsessed with my son living with her full time.

I have tried to move on several times and have coped well for lengthy periods of time only to return back to the confused state once again.

every time I see my son, I just want to be there for him even more.

Anyone else come this far, separated, divorced and have young children with the ex and still cannot find closure and questioning whether or not its best to continue to persevere or finally move on with their lives?

would appreciate and feedback wether or not you have kids with your ex BPD partner.

Kind Regards,

[selling1]

Hello,

I was hoping by now that I would have found some peace of mind and closure with this never ending emotionally draining experience with my ex wife who has consistently displayed most traits of BPD. (my former therapist has confirmed that its highly likely she suffers from BPD).

Without a doubt, the fact that I have a child with my ex BPD wife makes it significantly harder to cope at times;

especially a son who suffers from a form of Asperger's. my son is very intelligent, goes to a normal school and very friendly, but has also been affected my ex wife's personality.

I separated from my ex wife 27th March 2010. went through with the divorce in April 2012.

since we separated we have discussed getting back together on a number of occasions, both before and even after the divorce.

I have certainly tried very hard to make this happen, but I get absolutely know help from her side.

Since we separated, I took my ex wife twice to court because she restricted access to my now 11 year old boy, most probably to punish me for leaving.

the second time i went to court was to report to the court that the court orders already made by the first judge were not being obeyed by her.

the second judge absolutely made a mockery of her as my ex wife had nothing to justify her actions.

at this time I was in a relationship with another lady who treated me very well, to the point where it was a little uncomfortable because I was not used to this. the relationship with this particular lady lasted about 12 months. we were discussing moving in together, getting married some day and having a child with her.

However just when I was going to totally commit to this lady, I was still thinking about my ex wife and child constantly and wanted to give it one last chance with my ex wife. so as crazy as this sounds, my ex girlfriend and I broke up and soon I was back spending time with my ex wife and child again.

I have not lived with my ex wife and child since we separated in march 2010 and have only spent most Sundays together and sometimes the odd day during the week.

I have not spent one on one time with my ex wife to discuss how we can make the relationship work since so called reuniting in August last year.

Some Facts About My Ex Wife:

1. She has remained single since we separated.(this alone makes it harder for me, because her door is always open and in turn its easier to manipulate me)

2. She was always a loyal wife and has since been a very loyal partner

3. She is a very committed mother to my boy and looks after him well

4. She is very intelligent and professional employed as a very sought after optometrist

5. She doesn't like to go out to social functions, doesn't drink, smoke & refuses to take medication other then insulin

6. She is type 1 diabetic and this alone affects her moods, let alone her traits of BPD

7. She always leaves the 'door open', however never puts in the time and effort to make the relationship work

8. She is incapable of having those heart to heart talks that are required for a healthy relationship (she always avoids them)

9. She very rarely compromises

10. She very rarely communicates effectively to discuss our relationship (if she does, its always in the presence of my son)

11. She rarely encourages one on one time, with just her and I so we can discuss possible ways to make our relationship work.

12. She can always sense when I truly have had enough and then she will start to do things that make me think she is not that bad overall, then she is nice for a short period, then the cycle continuous over and over again.

13. Its always about her; in general I am a positive and happy person, but sometimes after lengthy relationship stress with her, I get a little depressed (as I feel now) and its at these stages that she turns more nasty and cold.

14. I know the connection I have with her is not healthy, but its so strong.

15. Although rare, the few times I am intimate with her is very passionate.

16. Although I see my son regularly now, I have never had overnight access with him as my ex wife is so obsessed with my son living with her full time.

I have tried to move on several times and have coped well for lengthy periods of time only to return back to the confused state once again.

every time I see my son, I just want to be there for him even more.

Anyone else come this far, separated, divorced and have young children with the ex and still cannot find closure and questioning whether or not its best to continue to persevere or finally move on with their lives?

would appreciate and feedback wether or not you have kids with your ex BPD partner.

Kind Regards,

[selling1]

I forgot to mention, whenever I say to my ex wife that she also needs to put in some effort to make the relationship work, her reply is usually

' I haven't said No to you, buy a house and our son and I will move in with you'

this doesn't feel like genuine love, it will benefit her more then anyone as she will lease out her home and move in to my property and naturally save money as she will not contribute to any house expense.

not to mention she already owns our former matrimonial home which she lives with my son.

furthermore, the property prices in Sydney are the highest in history.

as far as she is concerned, me buying a home will show her real commitment.

[AwakenedOne]

7. She always leaves the 'door open', however never puts in the time and effort to make the relationship work

8. She is incapable of having those heart to heart talks that are required for a healthy relationship (she always avoids them)

9. She very rarely compromises

10. She very rarely communicates effectively to discuss our relationship (if she does, its always in the presence of my son)

7,8,9 & 10 are really important in a marriage. I know because the lack of 7,8,9 & 10 led to the destruction of our marriage.

I have no kids with my uBPDstbxW. Your ex-wife is a lot like mine. Just wanted to say I understand and wish you the best. I'm sorry your going through this.

Really think deeply on any major decision and investment would be my kind advice to you.

Good luck

AO

[selling1]

thank you for your reply

[Mutt]

Hi selling1,



So, Is Your Relationship Healthy?

A. Can you say what you like or admire about your partner?

B. Is your partner glad that you have other friends?

C. Is your partner happy about your accomplishments and ambitions?

D. Does your partner ask for and respect your opinions?

E. Does she/he really listen to you?

F. Can she/he talk about her/his feelings?

G. Does your partner have a good relationship with her/his family?

H. Does she/he have good friends?

I. Does she/he have interests besides you?

J. Does she/he take responsibility for her/his actions and not blame others for her/his failures?

K. Does your partner respect your right to make decisions that affect your own life?

L. Are you and your partner friends? Best friends?

   

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

I'm sorry you went through that.

I had a session with my T and he had asked me if I still felt something for my ex 2 years after the split. He's divorced and re-married and suspects his first has a mental illness of some sort.

He said for years after the split he still felt something for his ex and his mom commented that they should get back together and it didn't help.

You can give closure for yourself. I think what helps is accepting that the relationship has come to an unequivocal and not to reconsider later on. Resist thinking that she's your sould mate and you have lost her, we're compatible with many people and there's nothing magical about one person.

I can relate with dating and trying to find your way or footing after having gone through an emotionally abusive relationship. I expect to get an answer that makes me feel guilt, bad or I'm going to get punished. It sounds like your girlfriend was a wonderful person and maybe you weren't ready at the time. That's Ok.

We have many boards and you are free to share in other boards as well. I'll give you the dating board: Building Healthy Relationships & Dating

Do you have a court order for S11?

[enlighten me]

You may never get closure but you can reach a point of indifference. The problem I see is that you dont want to let go or just cant. If your serious about letting go and moving on you have to paint them black. You have to look at all their negative behaviour and ask yourself if thats how you want to live. My biggest tool in healing post breaking up with my exs was to believe the worst of them. I didnt do this at first with my ex wife and when things came out it knocked me back in my recovery. I did this with my uBPDexgf and the healing has been a lot quicker and when things came out I wasnt knocked back anywhere near as much.

[RecycledNoMore]

Asbergers is hereditary I believe?

I have been in a rship with an aspie for 6 mnths,

He shares many traits with my uBPDx...

Has she been tested for AS?

[Mutt]

You may never get closure but you can reach a point of indifference.

Many members have not gotten closure from their ex partners with personality disorder traits. Two healthy adults generally will give each other closure, say reasons why.

You can find closure by giving closure to yourself and it's rightfully hard when we don't get closure from someone that was a part of our lives.

I'm not indifferent to my ex because I see her as a person with impairments with social skills, survives day by day; has maladaptive coping mechanisms; distorted belief system stemmed outside of her control from social circumstances, genetically pre-disposed or perhaps both environmental and biological factors. I am indifferent to her behaviors and depersonalize them.

[Tim300]

Mine also had your #8 problem ("She is incapable of having those heart to heart talks that are required for a healthy relationship (she always avoids them)".  She was, however, very eager to see MCs and go on weekend MC retreats (instead of just going on normal vacations as I preferred).  It was so weird how she generally couldn't just talk to me and have a heart to heart . . . as if there was something in her brain that would cause her to explode if this happened.  I'm not sure why she needed a MC to help her express her thoughts -- it's sad really. 

[Lolster]

Yes, Aspergers can be hereditary and can also be harder to pick up in girls. I know of women labelled BPD who have later been diagnosed with Aspergers intead due to their childs diagnosis.

It may be worth exploring with her whether she would feel willing and able to be tested, based on your sons diagnosis if you explain that you'd like to explore further whether you can ever get back on track. Generally a family member such as a parent who can remember them as a child would also need to be willing to take part in the diagnostic process.

Regardless of whether she did agree to that you would still need to ask yourself if you can cope with a relationship that does not fit your wants and needs. A diagnosis may give an explanation for someones behaviour but it wont change it. There does appear to be a similarity in the symptoms of ASD and BPD but with different reasons.

I have a child on the spectrum, his dad in hindsight is right. there with him.