Wants to bring bf to wedding

[Depression = 72% of members]

My bp sister,40 years old, wants to bring her new found love (there have been many- some criminal) to my child's wedding. We have never met this man and have no interest in getting to know him well. My bps visits once a year for a few days at most. We have had 5 years of being blackened and painfully ignored. We want her to come to the wedding but not her boyfriend. It is an intimate affair where there will be only very good friends and family. She wants to have someone to dance with and to introduce him. I think a wedding is not the time to meet someone. I can tell denying her request will cause a huge stink. Fear of her not coming and holding this against us are reasons we would invite him. I don't understand why she doesn't see that the event is not about her and her new beau. Should we acquiesce to avoid a big bp blowup and more silent treatment?

[inshock]

My bp sister,40 years old, wants to bring her new found love (there have been many- some criminal) to my child's wedding. We have never met this man and have no interest in getting to know him well. My bps visits once a year for a few days at most. We have had 5 years of being blackened and painfully ignored. We want her to come to the wedding but not her boyfriend. It is an intimate affair where there will be only very good friends and family. She wants to have someone to dance with and to introduce him. I think a wedding is not the time to meet someone. I can tell denying her request will cause a huge stink. Fear of her not coming and holding this against us are reasons we would invite him. I don't understand why she doesn't see that the event is not about her and her new beau. Should we acquiesce to avoid a big bp blowup and more silent treatment?

[P.F.Change]

Hi, inshock. I can understand your dilemma. On the one hand, this is your child's wedding, so ultimately his/her wishes are most important. On the other hand, many times people make minor exceptions for close relatives and it is fairly common to allow a +1 for guests at a wedding.

I don't understand why she doesn't see that the event is not about her and her new beau.

If your sister has BPD or BPD traits, she may lack the skills necessary to be able to put her own wishes and feelings aside in order to give someone else a special day. It is understandable that you are concerned your sister may throw a tantrum if she does not get her way. With my mother, I found that trying to use reason (explaining) didn't help her understand my point of view, because we see the facts differently. (With BPD, feelings=facts.) TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth has been a helpful tool for me to acknowledge her feelings and express my support while also stating a boundary or asserting a different opinion.  

I think it is probably up to your child and his/her fiance(e) to decide what is best in this case. It is ok to say no to her if they prefer not to allow guests a +1. It is also ok for them to allow her to bring her boyfriend if it doesn't bother them. How does your son/daughter feel about it? Which would help the couple enjoy their day more?

[inshock]

  She doesn't want a stranger at the wedding. Their +1s are people that have been in relationships for 2 or 3 years and are engaged. My bp sister has been dating for 6 mos.  She worries that her aunt wont help with her crippled grandmother if she has a boyfriend there. My sister said this man is important to her and want to introduce him to the family. 

I personally do not think a wedding is a good time to meet someone new. We will be so busy with pictures, saying hello to 180 guests, toasts et cetera. But I also think my feelings are clouded by resentment towards my sister. I just don't want to meet another boyfriend. I don't want to pay for another boyfriend. I don't want to be used by my sister to entertain another boyfriend. Why can't she just come, help with our mother, and enjoy the weekend? What I don't understand is why does she want to introduce him to a family that she has kicked to the curb and stopped caring about.

I will look up the SET. I haven't been on the website in a long time.

[P.F.Change]

She worries that her aunt wont help with her crippled grandmother if she has a boyfriend there.

Is there someone else who can be in charge of helping grandmother? It may be a good idea to think about that. It sounds like your sister isn't likely to help regardless of what your daughter decides. If she brings her boyfriend, she may be too distracted; if he isn't invited, she may decide not to come. In either case, someone else will need to do that job.

Why can't she just come, help with our mother, and enjoy the weekend? What I don't understand is why does she want to introduce him to a family that she has kicked to the curb and stopped caring about.

It sounds like you are frustrated because you want your sister to be someone she is not. The behavior you describe sounds pretty typical for someone with BPD--it might be more reasonable to expect her to act like someone with BPD rather than someone without it. Does that make sense? This workshop completely changed the way I think about my parents: Radical Acceptance for family members

Based on what you've said, it sounds like your daughter prefers not to invite your sister's boyfriend because she doesn't know him. That is understandable. It is important to know where one's boundaries are and plan to take care of them. This is another workshop that really helped me: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

It sounds like you are the one who will be communicating the boundary to your sister about her not bringing a guest. Is that correct? SET can really help--I hope the information is useful. Feel free to practice here if you like.

[inshock]

A S would be "I understand this man is currently an important part of your life".

An E statement would be "I can see that you want to introduce him to mom and my family and also have a dance partner for the wedding." (she mentioned not wanting to be the old aunt knitting in the corner and wants a dance partner)

The T statement would be "Unfortunately the guest list is full with close friends and family. Everyone dances in large groups so you won't be alone.  A wedding is a very hectic time to get to know him. Maybe I can meet him on another trip."


Would it be a waste of time to explain that for her wedding I cared for mom and sat with her?

[Skip]

It might help to narrow down what this is all about and then decide.  You have mentioned many issues, but most can be worked around.  And with 180 guests, she (and everyone who is involved) will undoubtedly see some lower standing guests at the wedding with an unmarried romantic partner and know that she was singled out.  Also, if she is in a serious relationship, explaining to her bf that he is not wanted is very awkward for her (he will think it is her not wanting him there so she will likely need to show him the emails so that he is not mad at her) and will start the whole family dynamic off with this guy on a very down note.

So it's messy and will create problems that will likely extend beyond the wedding.  

However, it is you and your daughters right to chose.

So at the core, what is it really that is bothering you here.  Is it that you really don't want her to be there or have her insert her life into this family event?

[inshock]

I think giving the Truth is the hardest. Everyone knows we can squeeze one more person in... . The REAL truth is we just don't want her bringing her bf because she dropped us, manipulated us, and essentially kicked us to the curb. Her last bf was a criminal and drug addict. Why would we take a chance are her new one?   I know that is terrible to say, but that is the truth. Do we be politically correct or say it like it is.

[Skip]

Do we be politically correct or say it like it is.  

Maybe the choice is "do we use this venue to make a statement and put her in her place" or do we make low risk decisions so that the wedding isn't upstaged by a long standing family squabble?

There is a lot of tension in your relationship with her and for good reason.

What's the best choice for your daughter?

[P.F.Change]

[Cross-posted]

Pretty good first try!

A S would be "I understand this man is currently an important part of your life".

To me this seems similar to your Empathy statement. If you use it, I might omit the word "currently." You have a perspective that tells you he might not be around long, however your sister's facts are shaped by her feelings. If he is important to her right now, she may not be able to imagine a time when he might not be. That word might feel invalidating to her.

Other possibilities for Support statements might be:

"I care about you because you are my sister."

"Your feelings matter to me."

"I value your thoughts and opinions."

An E statement would be "I can see that you want to introduce him to mom and my family and also have a dance partner for the wedding." (she mentioned not wanting to be the old aunt knitting in the corner and wants a dance partner)

This is good active listening. It shows that you are paying attention to what she is saying. This is a really important step in the process because it provides validation. One tip with the Empathy statements is to find a way to connect emotionally--show that you relate to her feelings. You don't have to agree that she is right, just identify something you can relate to on some level.

Some examples might be:

"I can understand how important it is to you to bring your boyfriend. I see how you would feel more comfortable having someone to dance with and that you are excited about introducing him to extended family."

"I have felt awkward at parties when I went by myself before, so I can understand why you'd rather bring a date."

"If I had a new boyfriend, I would probably want to bring him to my niece's wedding, too."

The T statement would be "Unfortunately the guest list is full with close friends and family. Everyone dances in large groups so you won't be alone.  A wedding is a very hectic time to get to know him. Maybe I can meet him on another trip."

The beginning of this is a good Truth statement. I might avoid trying to change her feelings ("you won't be alone", as she probably feels very alone without her boyfriend even in crowds of people. I would also steer away from justifying/explaining my decision, as that can open the door for circular arguments.How to stop circular arguments

What might work is your initial statement followed by some more Truths, like:

"We want you to come, and we also understand if not having him there would make it too uncomfortable for you. If it helps, there will be a lot of other people there without a date. Whatever you decide, we understand."

or "I would really like to meet your boyfriend sometime. Can we plan to get together for dinner a week or two after the wedding? Things are chaotic for me right now, and I want to give myself some time to recover so I can be at my best."

Would it be a waste of time to explain that for her wedding I cared for mom and sat with her?

It depends on what your goal is. What do you want to accomplish?

[P.F.Change]

Do we be politically correct or say it like it is.  

Maybe the choice is "do we use this venue to make a statement and put her in her place" or do we make low risk decisions so that the wedding isn't upstaged by a long standing family squabble?

There is a lot of tension in your relationship with her and for good reason.

What's the best choice for your daughter?

^^^Good questions.  

[inshock]

no I don't want to put her in her place. I love(d) my sister. My heart is so broken from losing her. I want her to see that it is inappropriate to infuse a new guy into the wedding right now. My kids haven't met him, my mother hasn't met him, and this isn't a weekend focused on entertaining him. I don't want to be used by her again. I was at her wedding 100% helping any way I could. I was not thinking about my own entertainment. I can't believe she is asking again.

[inshock]

PF Change - your sentences are wonderful... . I see how to do this. Its hard. Can I plegarize your words?

[inshock]

I want her to come and focus on the wedding, helping our mother, and having fun with her daughter and us. I am not ready to be friendly with her significant others that she drags in. I don't want him in my house, I don't want to pay for his dinner, and I don't want him celebrating with us. Its that simple.

[inshock]

I wrote a very nice email using S.E.T. I also said very nice things about having a good time celebrating my child's wedding and what a special time this will be. I wrote that I hope our mother will enjoy herself as it will be her only wedding of a grandchild. I told her about some of the lovely plans... . how I have limos picking her up and other special plans.

:'(I receive an email saying she wants to speak to me on the phone. She says she has dated this man for over a year which is not true. She was in another relationship and she told me the week she met this man. She has dated him 7 months. I am constantly being lied to over the past 5 years.

She called my mother crying... .

She hasn't asked about the wedding plans or asked about my daughter at all. She has been an absent family member. We see her two weekends a year. Six years ago, She moved my mother across the country and moved away one month later. She stopped calling me. We use to be best friends. She has been caught in several large lies (but we never say anything to her).

It's not even appropriate to bring this guy to our wedding. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't want a confrontation. I can't do it. HELP

[Louise7777]

InShock, Im sorry for your situation. I read your thread 2 days ago and now Im reading the new responses. So I decided to jump in (not sure Ill be helpful in the sense of giving you a solution, though).

Basically, what I noticed was your "I want my sister to come and do this"... . Im sorry, but it seems very unrealistic to me, regarding a BPD. She is what she is (unfortunately). And weddings, birthdays and funerals are very tricky for them. I mean, they use them on their own benefits/ agenda. Thats MY personal experience.

You are never safe around them under such circumstances. I see mine as time-bombs, ready to explode (in anger, in histrionic traits, whatever to gets them attention). Every event has to turn about THEM.

Thats why I decided to post, because to me thats exactly what your sister is doing now. I dont know what to tell you. I believe your daughter has the right to invite people she loves, and not invite family members who are distant. I believe its ultimately her call. I wouldnt engage in phonecalls, though. Her goal is to take him to the wedding and you´ll end up explaining yourself, defending yourself, you´ll both end up angry and she will play victim. Maybe sending another email, more brief and to the point re-estating he´s not invited?

[P.F.Change]

It's not even appropriate to bring this guy to our wedding.

Well, it doesn't seem appropriate to you. I understand why you feel it would be inappropriate. I understand you don't trust her choice in men and don't want to risk including a total creep.

To her, it does seem appropriate. I know in your mind your daughter's boundary is reasonable (and I'm not saying it isn't!)--but to her, asking her to come without a date probably feels tantamount to asking her to show up naked. Your reasons aren't going to make that feel any better to her, and so she's going to keep trying to convince you that really it would be better for everyone if you'd just let her wear some clothes.

Louise7777 has a good point, I think, in that it is not realistic to expect your sister to be someone she isn't. Have you gotten to look at the Radical Acceptance workshop I posted earlier? Your sister is behaving exactly the way she should behave--she has a disorder and is acting like a disordered person. It is not reasonable to expect her to behave like someone who does not have a disorder. She is not going to do things the way you would do them or the way you think they should be done. You are going to feel angry and frustrated until you decide to adjust your expectations.

While I agree with Louise7777 on that point, I disagree that "you are never safe around them." We can learn all kinds of ways to take care of ourselves and be confident in our decisions. We are survivors here, not victims. Your sister has trouble regulating her emotions. Her getting upset and throwing a tantrum or making a scene is really not the same thing as her running around like Scarface with a machine gun. If she did that, you'd have a good reason to be afraid. Unless you're leaving something out, it sounds like she's a person who has a hard time feeling safe in the world herself and feels very insecure. She may be unhappy with you, but it's not going to kill you. You can learn to say "no" and ask people to go somewhere else when they need to calm down. I just want to put that in perspective.

Getting back to the point, your sister wants to talk about what you wrote to her. She likely wants to convince you to change your mind. If you won't change your mind no matter what she says, you can communicate that. (e.g., "I do care about you, and it truly isn't my intention to hurt you. This isn't up for discussion or debate." You can have boundaries about whether you stay on the phone with people when they are yelling or calling you names. There is a lot you can do. We have tools here to help.

I did notice you call this "our" wedding, rather than "my daughter's" wedding. Maybe it is a slip or maybe you really do see it as yours because you are giving it... . I don't know. But the word choice conveys a sense of "us" and "them," where the in-group includes you and the out-group is your sister and anyone associated with her. You say you "don't want to put her in her place," but it sure seems like you do. You are aware you have some deep resentment toward her. Even so, you want her to show up and do work for you (take care of your mother) because you feel she owes you after all you chose to do for her. It doesn't work that way, inshock. Let go of the expectation that she will do what you want her to do.

How do you want to respond to your sister?

[inshock]

I keep hoping she will change.  Her symptoms were not so apparent to me until the last 6 years. Her "life mistakes" and quirkiness never affected me until now. I use to think she will just grow out it. I don't feel safe around her. I don't trust her with my daughter. I just thought she could come to this wedding with the agenda of helping and being with the family like I did for her.  Her agenda is entertaining this man on my dollar and showing him her family-a family that she could care less about.

When I said "our" wedding, it is for two reasons. First I am putting the event on and paying for all of it. Secondly there is a sense of us and them which comes about by her choice. She literally up and moved and disappeared. It was life changing for me and I find it difficult to be in the same room with her now. I don't want to be around someone who does nt care about me.

As far as the wedding goes, I can't understand why she thinks this wedding is an opportunity to introduce a new man after the fracture our family has endured because if her.  I looked at the radical acceptance workshop before. I don't want to accept this. I'll be honest... . if this is as good as it gets I don't want a relationship with her.  I still miss the person I thought she was. I miss my sister . Being around her now is like being around a stranger. I am so disappointed at who she has become. I know intellectually this is a disorder but I still have trouble emotionally accepting this.  There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of this lost. It has been like a death for me.

If she cared about us I wouldn't have a problem with her bringing a date as long as he wasnt a scary looking drug addict.  She told my mother that she is a key member of the family and deserves to bring a partner. My mother told her actually she wasn't a main person in my life as she cut me out of her life. She admitted she has not talked to me since last October . Then she lied AGAIN and claimed she emails me often asking me to call her.

Ok, I'll let go of the notion that she would want to concentrate on being with mom.  I will hire a sitter and companion to be with her.  It's not about doing work for me. It's about helping because she loves me and our mom.

How I am going to respond is I'm going to call her and listen quietly to everything she has to say. My heart will be pounding. WhenI have had two confrontations with her my arm shakes violently so I can't hold the phone receiver to my ear.  Then I'll probably say we will try to fit the "moron" in. And she will bully her way AGAIN and AGAIN.

[KrazyKatSis]

Dear inshock, oh, how I empathize and understand. I also have a sis with BPD who has put our family through the wringer. She has lied, manipulated, stolen, abused, you name it. She stole money from me when I got married, by sneaking cash out of my wedding gift cards. She pawned jewelry I gave her. She cheated on her husbands and boyfriends and used me as her "safe house." When my mom was dying in the hospital, she was too busy with the stress of her own life to help me deal with any of it. Now my dad is in a nursing home, declining, and she does nothing to help because she has so much going on. (Which is fighting with her neighbors, her landlord, dealing with her husband, her boyfriends, her unravelling marriage--again--and so on and so forth). She can't hold down a job because she's always fighting with the boss. And me not understanding this disorder, especially years ago, well I gave and gave and gave. My husband and I gave her a wedding reception for marriage #1 (she's on #3). We took in her son so he wouldn't go to foster care when marriage #2 was breaking up during one of her many suicide attempts. We gave her a place to live when she had an order of protection against her placed by husband #2 (because she physically abused him). It's always about her, her, her, her, there's no one else as important, no one.

Politely, respectfully, I must disagree about the feeling safe and trusting comments on here. It has nothing to do with being a victim and everything to do with learning who they are. While each situation may be different, in my situation, I do not feel safe around my dBPDsis. My family knows her now for what she is. We do not trust her. She has no keys to our houses; she does not have any of our passwords or know where our safety deposit box keys are; we keep secrets from her. Everyone knows: do not tell her anything that you do not want used against you in the future. Do not share anything with her that you wouldn't want spread all over the internet. She is never at one of our homes unless someone is there with her. We never leave her alone with one other person, there's always two or more of us. She doesn't respect boundaries and always pushes to try to take more and get more. We have learned to protect ourselves.

You know what really helped me? This website. I read a lot of the posts out here and got a good look at all the chaos and hurt caused by this disorder. I got the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. I became honest in my communications with my dBPDsis. It was hard and I grieved, just like you. I wanted my sis to be who I thought she was... . not who she really was. You have every right to be sad and angry and to mourn the loss of the person you thought she was. Perhaps think about a therapist/counselor/person for you to go to, to express your feelings?

And in the future, there is hope. For you and your family, your daughter, your mother. In the future, you'll be able to listen to what she has to say without shaking or your heart pounding. And when she finishes her long list of bla, bla, bla, you'll be able to smile, laugh, and say, "Meh. Whatever, crazypants."

[inshock]

My daughter said an enlightened piece of wisdom to me. She said I need to get over the "shock" factor of her incredulous behavior and choices. She said our immediate family would benefit from me rolling with the the crazy punches my sister throws instead of constantly being in shock.

I think what adds to the heartbreak is that I have a small extended family. She is my only sibling. The rest of my family is on my husbands side. So there really isn't too many to introduce this new bf to!

This stink is all about who she will dance with

[Louise7777]

"While I agree with Louise7777 on that point, I disagree that "you are never safe around them." We can learn all kinds of ways to take care of ourselves and be confident in our decisions. We are survivors here, not victims. Your sister has trouble regulating her emotions. Her getting upset and throwing a tantrum or making a scene is really not the same thing as her running around like Scarface with a machine gun."

P.F.Change, I didn't mean personal security, fearing for my life. My experience showed me that it has to be about them. Any event, whatever small or big. So, instead of having a nice reunion, with peace and harmony, you get rages or most commonly (in my case), histrionics and out of line inappropriate behaviour. With this particular uBPD/ NPD with H traits, you know definitely its going to happen, its just a matter of when. Some people dont care, they go along, but it bothers and drains me. I dont like when a person "steals" the spotlight.

So, in my opinion, either you dont care and invite them or you care and you´d better not have them. My uPD may be an extreme case, but she´s never happy when somebody else is the center of attention and she has to ruin it. I even avoid being near her cause it really embarrasses me. Yep, maybe something is wrong with me, I should be more tolerant, but I cant, after watching this my whole life.

Inshock, I believe that you, like my mom, cant accept having a sister with BPD. I believe that once you do, you´ll be "free". You want a "normal" family life, and believe me, I do too! But I believe its impossible. Stop banging your head to the wall. My mom does exactly the same, its like she´s stuck. After decades of evidence, she cant grasp the notion that her sister is evil. Im sorry, but my uPD is. She gets happy when people are hurt. I wish she could accept that and move on. I wish you the same.

[P.F.Change]

I just thought she could come to this wedding with the agenda of helping and being with the family like I did for her. 

Not realistic.

As far as the wedding goes, I can't understand why she thinks this wedding is an opportunity to introduce a new man after the fracture our family has endured because if her. 

Because she has a personality disorder.

I still miss the person I thought she was. I miss my sister ... . I know intellectually this is a disorder but I still have trouble emotionally accepting this.  There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of this lost. It has been like a death for me.

There is definitely a grieving process in these relationships. A lot of people find it helpful to talk with a therapist. Have you ever considered seeking counseling for yourself?

Ok, I'll let go of the notion that she would want to concentrate on being with mom.  I will hire a sitter and companion to be with her. 

I think this is a sensible decision if your mother needs care and you need to be focused on other things.

How I am going to respond is I'm going to call her and listen quietly to everything she has to say. My heart will be pounding. WhenI have had two confrontations with her my arm shakes violently so I can't hold the phone receiver to my ear. 

That sounds like some intense anxiety. Therapy can help with that, too.

Then I'll probably say we will try to fit the "moron" in. And she will bully her way AGAIN and AGAIN.

Do you think it is fair to call someone you've never met a "moron?"

Your sister doesn't have any power over you that you don't choose to give her. You decide whether to look after your boundaries. You are responsible.

inshock, your sister may have some serious issues. Radical acceptance isn't about pretending everything's peachy. It's about letting go of expectations that people should be anything other than what they are. If I think the sky is supposed to be purple and get mad because it is blue, that is my problem, not the sky's. It is what it is. Where I think everyone in this thread agrees is that your expectations about what your sister "should" be and "should" do are holding you back. You can't change her--you can only change yourself.

Can you see anything in your own attitudes or behaviors that you would be willing to adjust?

[Skip]

I think everyone can understand that you don't want any guest to bring a meth addict or a drop down drunk or a "Richard Simmons" to the wedding.  If that is a highly likely possibility, it is a real concern.

But you can probably do things to mitigate this. Meet him ahead of time, or find out about him, etc.

This stink is all about who she will dance with

Its not about dancing.  It's really much bigger than this.

If you want to understand her side of the reaction -- she is upset because you are not treating her like an adult or like the other guests. You are judging her and saying anyone she would bring is not fit for your house.  You also want her to come as a caretaker for another family member - you haven't asked that she do this - you feel she is obligated to do this.  

If you do this to any other guest or family member, they would react badly.

I assume her prior boyfriends have been questionable to your taste.  Have other family members had this same strong reaction?  What do others think?

You are clearly triggering on this above and beyond the issue at hand - and we all do when there are lots of unresolved issues.  

So how do you resolve this?  How do you find a solution AND be at peace with it?

Can you see anything in your own attitudes or behaviors that you would be willing to adjust?

Picking up on what your daughter and P.F.Change said - mindfulness might help.

What is mindfulness all about?  In the simplest sense, we all develop from time to time, thinking patterns that do not serve us well.  When we do, we are easily "triggered" -- having non-constructive reactions to specific words or actions based on prior experiences.  We've all been there - resentment, pessimism, defensiveness, impatience, closed mindedness, distrusting, intolerance, confrontational, defeated... .

Mindfulness is a type of self-awareness in which we learn to observe ourselves in real time to see and alter our reactions to be more constructive.

Our mind is the source of all misery and of all pleasure. People don’t effectively hurt our feelings or inspire us. People can offer us their opinions,  it is only that which the mind decides has any relevance that we take on for ourselves.  Only the mind that can complement us, insult us, lift us, or destroy us.

We can influence this.

Wise Mind is that place where reasonable mind and emotion mind overlap.  It is the integration of emotion mind and reasonable/logical mind.



More here... .

[inshock]

we spoke on the phone.  She did not want to talk about the wedding. She never mentioned her boyfriend or bringing him. She wanted to take about our relationship and how she misses me. She wanted to know what she could do to make things better. There was long periods of silence because I just don't know what to say. I lose my words when I'm around her.  Why is that? I can't express myself. I told her I didn't trust her and walking out on our family was very painful for me. She said she could tell I have some resentments.  She never raised her voice. She explained how for a few years she fell apart and that I shouldn't take it personally.

I asked her what this phone all has to do with the email about the wedding. She said that she just doesn't like email. I have been waiting for six years for a sincere apology thinking I would feel love again. But I don't. I feel cold and hard and very tired.

Is this just an act to get the boyfriend to come to the wedding?

[P.F.Change]

It sounds like overall that phone conversation went well. I know you expected a more dramatic confrontation. It is really great that you both were able to speak calmly, and it sounds like you both had an opportunity to share. I think it is a positive thing that she asked what she can do to improve your relationship.

There was long periods of silence because I just don't know what to say. I lose my words when I'm around her.  Why is that? I can't express myself.

Is this something you want to work on?

When faced with a situation that frightens us, people tend to have a Fight, Flight, or Freeze response. Do you think you are freezing because the situation is scary to you? Another possibility is that you just aren't prepared for the question you're being asked and need some time to think about it. There's nothing wrong with saying, "That's a great question. Can I think about it for a day or two and get back to you?"

I have been waiting for six years for a sincere apology thinking I would feel love again. But I don't. I feel cold and hard and very tired.

Do you want to work on letting go of your resentment, or do you want to hold onto it? This is not about her. It is about you.

Is this just an act to get the boyfriend to come to the wedding?

I understand you don't trust your sister and you resent the pain she has caused you in the past. Those are valid feelings. However it isn't healthy to let those feelings determine the facts. Your anger and fear may be coloring the way you view her current behavior. inshock, based on what you've written, it sounds like your sister felt sincere at the time about wanting to find a way to work things out. That doesn't mean she will feel the same way tomorrow, but it also doesn't mean she was intentionally trying to manipulate you.

Forget about the wedding for a minute. Forget about any of her boyfriends. The core issue here has nothing to do with either of those things. This all boils down to her question: What can she do to make things better between you? If the answer is "Nothing, I am determined to be angry at you forever no matter what you do," she deserves to know that. On the other hand, if there are specific things you need from her in order to consider rebuilding the relationship, she has given you an opportunity to ask for those.

Is there anything your sister can do to improve the relationship?

[inshock]

It will take a long time before I feel close to her again. I am not sure I will ever trust her as she has lied and manipulated so much. She would have to immerse herself into our relationship. She would need to keep her boyfriend away for a while. I don't want any part of her "new life" or her "reinvented life" as she calls it. Accepting her "new life" (new city, new friends, new job, boyfriends)  would be asking me to accept to much. Her poor choices have affected me and my family profoundly. She would need to visit more often. She would need to demonstrate that I am not the only caretaker for our mother... . she needs to offer to stay with her if I have to go out of town, ask about her health, and be apart of decisions.  She essentially would need to act like a caring family member. She would need to come alone for holidays as that is when family gets together.

Some of her views include wanting me to not take "dropping our relationship" personally. I don't see how. It caused me so much pain. She wants me to understand that her world fell apart with a divorce and that is good enough reason for pulling away. She wants me to understand that it is difficult being a single mother. That is not a reason either.

I cant understand this. We have always been so supportive of her. Lots of people are single mothers without kicking their family to the curb. It felt very personal to not hear from her for 3-6 months at a time when I normally talked to her a few times a week. Its difficult to understand this when she has been dating and traveling instead of making up for the huge mistake of moving her mother and leaving one month later. It is difficult for me not to believe this was to get rid of our mom.  She immersed herself into a man's life and family (rescuing him as he was homeless, jobless, addicted) who has a terrible alcohol and drug problem. She would still be with him had it not been for him stealing money from his job. She turned her back on the people that really love her.

Can borderline personality kick in hard and fierce in your 30s? She always had a little drama in her life but nothing like this. She is a completely different person. She is a stranger to me.

[doubletheBPD]

I had a similar situation with my now SIL. When Save the dates were sent out there was one guy (criminal past and alcohol problems), by the time invitations got sent out there was another (criminal and substance problems), and thankfully by the time the wedding happened, she was single again.

I think what made it tolerable and resulted in not too much backlash, was that we didn't allow +1 for anyone. We made it clear only people we knew were invited. She didn't like it at first, but once she saw it was across the board it she seemed to accept it.

Whether or not the guy will be around come wedding time is something to consider. For us it became a none issue. On other hand, being unfair to just her may be a bigger problem. Anyone can bring a +1 that is bad news (true the chance of it with her are far more likely).

Sorry that you have to go through this. Best of luck.

[inshock]

Doublethe bp- you are right, that anyone can bring a +1 that is bad news.  I have always been the member of the family who provides the entertainment, food, gatherings, holidays... . and I loved doing it. My sis is a lot younger than me so I gave to her a lot. I gave a lot to each boyfriend over the years from holidays to family vacations. After the fracture, I decided the saying "no deed goes unpunished" has some truth. I decided that I would not give anymore. So by entertaining her +1 I feel I am giving once again which means I am being used.

I simply don't want to extend myself any further.