It was only just a dream (or nightmare)

[Confused?]

After split black and left for someone else for the last 4 weeks I have been thinking a lot. Thinking about self worth thinking about if she truly loved me blah blah blah. The more thinking I did the more things made sense. Of course there are no answers to why they do the things they do. But my conclusion is this:

After looking back over the past year and a half I realized all the feeling I felt while I was with her were not even my own. It was the way she wanted me to feel. From the happiness to the sadness to the angry to the love it was all just a game to her. Every move calculated to perfection to get me to never stop thinking about her every second of everyday. I never viewed my exBPD as a liar or cheater but everything makes sense now. All the signs I should have seen, all the fighting and arguing, all the make up sex, all the constant attention and the I love yous and I would never hurt you were just things she did for herself to make sure I was there for her.

The events leading up to her leaving me were obvious why she did it. We were arguing almost everyday and I wasn't seein her as much because I was just scared we would argue. She wouldn't ever talk to me about the way she was thinking and why she was always depressed and I would tell her that I can't help her if she doesn't talk. It was like we got to the point of going through the motions. She lost control of me. That was the thing she had the entire realationship and was now lifeless. She went out and met a guy and never looked back. We stayed in contact she said she was sorry but it didn't matter to me. Truth is that after reflecting for a month I realized she never loved me she just needs someone in her messed up life to control at all times. In her mind if she isn't the center of attention then she must be worthless.

The next guy will find this out soon enough. I don't feel bad for her anymore. She refuses to help herself get over this fantasy world she lives in.

[Mutt]

Your ex was triggered. Fear of abandonment.  I triggered mine when I said "I'm done, I want a divorce" I meant it, she quickly found someone else.

Do you feel like you are possibly avoiding what you are feeling? Rationalizing? Avoidance?

I'm sorry about the hurt that you are feeling. I blamed a lot of my parts of the r/s (it takes two) on the ex.

It was the way she wanted me to feel. From the happiness to the sadness to the angry to the love it was all just a game to her. Every move calculated to perfection to get me to never stop thinking about her every second of everyday.

I understand FOG. I went through it. My feelings are my own, I was not going through some elaborate, orchestrated, calculated, game. I had my role in this play.

What do you think you brought to the table? Your role?

[Confused?]

I would never blame myself. I said I'm done at least a dozen times in the relationship but was there that night to patch things up. If someone is willing to leave a relationship in the blink of an eye then what's to say that person ever loved you to begin with. She knew what the problem was. The problem was her. I did everything in my power to help her. I was just so drained I couldn't even care anymore. She saw that. She saw I didn't care what she did or say anymore. She lost all power in the relationship and that's all she ever had. It's all she will ever have. It's sad to think there is no such thing as love to her. Just the rush and excitement she gets out of controlling and attention.

[Mutt]

I know what it feels like to feel emotionally exhausted, depressed, frustrated, confused. Fighting triggers her, I didn't see it at the time. I was an invalidating husband, I didn't have boundaries, I engaged, I escalated the fighting.

My ex is not aware that she mentally ill or that she's in denial, so I don't think that she knows that she has problems. Mine left in the blink of an eye because of a subconscious, primitive defense mechanism. I triggered that.

Having said that, you were emotionally exhausted, could not continue. What issues did you have in the r/s?

[Confused?]

Here's my story in a nutshell. I met her through a guy I worked with it was his daughter. We started dating and things went great. She called me all day just to hear my voice. She said I love you very early. I work out of town a lot and she started calling me non stop to the point I could barely do my job. Wanting to talk late at night with her and Skype. It seemed like she didn't care about how I was doing she just needed me to make her feel better. She would always call me at night to "talk" because she knew it inconvenienced me. We started fighting early in the relationship. I stayed in because she was suicidal and also had strong feelings for her. She ended up telling me she was abused by her previous boyfriends and family and so on. She had no friends or family. I gave her all of that. Brought her into the world so to say. But nothing was ever enough. The rude comments by her to start fights I just couldn't take. I have a stressful job and couldn't really deal with anymore stress. She told me she had ptsd early on then was later diagnosed with BPD. I read a little about it just some argument diffusing strategies but she seemed to really know how to push my buttons. It got to the point where she started to trust me more and felt comfortable around me but I still thought about her trust issues and the things she said. I'm not completely innocent here I said some rude things to her too. But being accused of cheating and lying I didn't really see any other way. She always picked the right time to accuse me too. It was never when she was around it was always when I was busy at work. This is where I felt that she had control and I had nothing. Everything was for her. Constantly going to see her, taking her anywhere she wanted to go, buying her stuff and getting next to nothing in return. Anytime I didn't want to see her or do something with her it was a problem. It got to the point where I didn't know what I was even allowed to do. Everything seemed like a test. From watching football with my friends to golfing it seemed like I needed permission and even with that I didn't feel comfortable. I started to feel not even like a person anymore just a mindless drone. Everything kind of just sort of fell apart. I think she noticed I was onto her because of the words I used in the arguments. Then poof everything was over and she started her new life. And I'm left completely sucked dry.

I do feel very good about it though. Im a little upset about what went down but I also feel good that I can get myself and my mind back. Her lies and manipulations that made me think the way I did are laughable now. I also think it's funny that someone would try to master the art of being the way she was instead of actually working on the problem at hand and trying to fix it.

[Fool for Love]

Here's my story in a nutshell. I met her through a guy I worked with it was his daughter. We started dating and things went great. She called me all day just to hear my voice. She said I love you very early. I work out of town a lot and she started calling me non stop to the point I could barely do my job. Wanting to talk late at night with her and Skype. It seemed like she didn't care about how I was doing she just needed me to make her feel better. She would always call me at night to "talk" because she knew it inconvenienced me. We started fighting early in the relationship. I stayed in because she was suicidal and also had strong feelings for her. She ended up telling me she was abused by her previous boyfriends and family and so on. She had no friends or family. I gave her all of that. Brought her into the world so to say. But nothing was ever enough. The rude comments by her to start fights I just couldn't take. I have a stressful job and couldn't really deal with anymore stress. She told me she had ptsd early on then was later diagnosed with BPD. I read a little about it just some argument diffusing strategies but she seemed to really know how to push my buttons. It got to the point where she started to trust me more and felt comfortable around me but I still thought about her trust issues and the things she said. I'm not completely innocent here I said some rude things to her too. But being accused of cheating and lying I didn't really see any other way. She always picked the right time to accuse me too. It was never when she was around it was always when I was busy at work. This is where I felt that she had control and I had nothing. Everything was for her. Constantly going to see her, taking her anywhere she wanted to go, buying her stuff and getting next to nothing in return. Anytime I didn't want to see her or do something with her it was a problem. It got to the point where I didn't know what I was even allowed to do. Everything seemed like a test. From watching football with my friends to golfing it seemed like I needed permission and even with that I didn't feel comfortable. I started to feel not even like a person anymore just a mindless drone. Everything kind of just sort of fell apart. I think she noticed I was onto her because of the words I used in the arguments. Then poof everything was over and she started her new life. And I'm left completely sucked dry.

I do feel very good about it though. Im a little upset about what went down but I also feel good that I can get myself and my mind back. Her lies and manipulations that made me think the way I did are laughable now. I also think it's funny that someone would try to master the art of being the way she was instead of actually working on the problem at hand and trying to fix it.

It amazes me when someone else writes about MY relationship with my ex ... But just remember ... We allowed them to cross the boundaries ... Mine would get upset if I went and did something ... We where long distance ... It got to the point if friends called I would just tell them I didn't feel like it ... Because I didn't want to argue with her about it ... I wasn't doing anything wrong ... I was faithful and didn't lie ... But that is not what she would think ... It was crazy making at its finest ... Every day I see the light better ... You or Monday else should have to be made to feel that you have to ask

Permission to do something that is not wrong ... They want you consumed in their life ...

[Confused?]

Exactly. And everyone could sit there and say I want them back and why why why and mine was different he/she loved me but in reality they r all the same. I got lucky she left because it could have happened at a worse time. They all know the same lies and same way to get the most out of their relationships before leaving you hung out to dry. It's almost as if there is a forum that they are on to talk about ways to do it.

[Fool for Love]

The bad thing is ... Now when I go out and do something ... I find myself thinking I need to leave or I look to see what time it is ... I feel like I am doing something wrong . I had a women approach me the other night ... I was like a deer in headlights looking over my shoulder ... Lol ... Every day I think how I dodged a bullet ... I did love her very much ... But it just wasn't good

[Confused?]

The only thing that was keeping her from cheating the whole relationship was I knew every person surrounding her. Her friends were mine and she lived with either them or her grandparents. So if any cheating was going on I would have known. When she started seeing the new guy it was a tiny window where no one was around and that was it. Lie after lie to different people and it became obvious. She would say different lies to different people it got so bad. After one month she already moved in with him. Completely new life from her old one just like the day I met her.

[Mutt]

Here's my story in a nutshell. I met her through a guy I worked with it was his daughter. We started dating and things went great. She called me all day just to hear my voice.   She said I love you very early. I work out of town a lot and she started calling me non stop to the point I could barely do my job. Wanting to talk late at night with her and Skype. It seemed like she didn't care about how I was doing she just needed me to make her feel better. She would always call me at night to "talk" because she knew it inconvenienced me. We started fighting early in the relationship. I stayed in because she was suicidal and also had strong feelings for her. She ended up telling me she was abused by her previous boyfriends and family and so on. She had no friends or family. I gave her all of that. Brought her into the world so to say. But nothing was ever enough. The rude comments by her to start fights I just couldn't take. I have a stressful job and couldn't really deal with anymore stress. She told me she had ptsd early on then was later diagnosed with BPD. I read a little about it just some argument diffusing strategies but she seemed to really know how to push my buttons. It got to the point where she started to trust me more and felt comfortable around me but I still thought about her trust issues and the things she said. I'm not completely innocent here I said some rude things to her too. But being accused of cheating and lying I didn't really see any other way. She always picked the right time to accuse me too. It was never when she was around it was always when I was busy at work. This is where I felt that she had control and I had nothing. Everything was for her. Constantly going to see her, taking her anywhere she wanted to go, buying her stuff and getting next to nothing in return. Anytime I didn't want to see her or do something with her it was a problem. It got to the point where I didn't know what I was even allowed to do. Everything seemed like a test. From watching football with my friends to golfing it seemed like I needed permission and even with that I didn't feel comfortable. I started to feel not even like a person anymore just a mindless drone. Everything kind of just sort of fell apart. I think she noticed I was onto her because of the words I used in the arguments. Then poof everything was over and she started her new life. And I'm left completely sucked dry.

I do feel very good about it though. Im a little upset about what went down but I also feel good that I can get myself and my mind back. Her lies and manipulations that made me think the way I did are laughable now. I also think it's funny that someone would try to master the art of being the way she was instead of actually working on the problem at hand and trying to fix it.

You're not a mindless drone.

Can you identify rescuer / knight, lack of boundaries, enmeshment in the parts I bolded above?

It seems like you were not negotiating, you were asking permission, no boundaries, she was talking to you at her convenience. You were not looking at your needs. You didn't know where she ended, you began.

Who has control over that?

[Confused?]

In hindsight it is easy to see it now. Later in the relationship I set boundaries and tried to take back the control I lost but she just fell deeper and deeper into a depression state and also was the reason our arguments became more frequent. I accepted the way she was early in the relationship based on how her life was in the past (as true is it may be). I lost control early on and was never able to get it back. She brought up things I used to say like I was sick of hearing her problems at 11 at night, but she read that as I was sick of hearing her problems. We never talked about anything. It was just a matter of time before she found someone else to fool for the first month or so.

[Mutt]

In hindsight it is easy to see it now. Later in the relationship I set boundaries and tried to take back the control I lost but she just fell deeper and deeper into a depression state and also was the reason our arguments became more frequent. I accepted the way she was early in the relationship based on how her life was in the past (as true is it may be). I lost control early on and was never able to get it back. She brought up things I used to say like I was sick of hearing her problems at 11 at night, but she read that as I was sick of hearing her problems. We never talked about anything. It was just a matter of time before she found someone else to fool for the first month or so.

I did the same thing Confused? I had no boundaries in the beginning of the r/s. I set them late in the r/s, you need to set them in the beginning.

There's lessons to learn here. Big ones.

Grieve. Work through healthy anger.

I know these borderline r/s's are painful beyond belief. There's a gift at the end. It's your choice to take that gift, or not.

Heal. Apply what you've learned in the next one.