Does all this really help

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been sitting here thinking and wonder if it helps to be on sites like these. The support is unbelievable. I feel an out pouring of love and support and find that I am not alone, but I also wonder if it doesn't keep us all in the same loop of being unable to completely to detach. The ability to talk is very helpful, but I also wonder if it doesn't hinger the letting go process. I was just wondering what those who have been on here for a while have found. Did it help you process and eventually deal with and completely detach, or did it in a sense keep everything still fresh and make it harder to detach. Please note, I am just curious. I am not trying to criticize support groups. I am just trying to determine the healthiest way to get through this. 

[just_confused]

I have been sitting here thinking and wonder if it helps to be on sites like these. The support is unbelievable. I feel an out pouring of love and support and find that I am not alone, but I also wonder if it doesn't keep us all in the same loop of being unable to completely to detach. The ability to talk is very helpful, but I also wonder if it doesn't hinger the letting go process. I was just wondering what those who have been on here for a while have found. Did it help you process and eventually deal with and completely detach, or did it in a sense keep everything still fresh and make it harder to detach. Please note, I am just curious. I am not trying to criticize support groups. I am just trying to determine the healthiest way to get through this. 

[LettingGo14]

I think these are valid questions.  Here are my thoughts:

1. Until I found this site, rumination (repetitive thinking) was killing me.  I was in a vicious loop -- what she did, what I did, why, what, when. 

2. When I found this community, I realized I was not alone.  That was the very first moment that I gave myself a break.  The very first time I felt a glimmer of relief.

3. Participating in this community has allowed me to learn about the disorder (and, hence, what I could not control) as well as what I might control (myself).

4. The value of groups, in my mind, is that engaging with other people in the same situation allows us to learn things about ourselves.  I often find myself thinking, "wow, I did that."  Or, "exactly."   Or, "oh, I didn't know that."

5.  I think, if you look at the five stages of detachment, this is a process.  We are here, hopefully, to get unstuck.   I often go back and read old posts by Skip or 2010 or Seeking Balance, just to get perspective.   I am not here to ruminate.  I want to challenge my thinking, and myself.

I'm glad you're here just_confused.  And it's good to be asking questions.

[Fool for Love]

I have wondered the same thing ... But then I realized ... I would have went nuts tryin to understand why she done what she did ... This site has helped me big time ... I can say when my mind drifts into OZ and I think " what could have I done to make it work " I go

And read the staying board or undecided board as realize that a relationship with someone that show traits of BPD is way more work or worrisome than I am willing to deal with ... And also when you get the feeling to "see" what he ex is up too ... I come here and read and try to help in anyway I can ... It does make you feel like you are NOT alone ... And that in its self helps in a big way ...

[Lion Fire]

It certainly does for me. No doubt about it.

I was in complete turmoil and battered by the projections, insults and abuse that I was beginning to believe that I WAS a "horrible, despicable person who is incapable of having a healthy relationship with any human", "a fake, cunning manipulator and user"... .

Here I discovered more about what I was dealing with in terms of her BPD as well as my side of things.

tbh, I would have been at great emotional risk if I hadn't found this forum because I was on the brink of collapse in all areas.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey just confused, I think that's a fair question, which I will try to answer by way of analogy.  Sometimes we may come down with a physical ailment that we assume is unique (like the time I contracted pityriasis rosea -- a weird skin ailment), then I went to the Doctor, who immediately recognized my condition.  In the same way, I liken a BPD r/s to a weird medical condition that we think is unusual.  Then we come to this Board and realize, or are reminded, that there are many others out there wrestling with the same challenges, something which most of us Nons were never prepared for or trained to deal with.  There's no roadmap out there for this stuff.  And for me, that makes a big difference, knowing that when I come to the Board, I'm not suffering in the dark with some strange disorder.  LuckyJim

[ConverseHome]

Very important questions, just_confused, and it's interesting that Lion Fire's response offers up a moment for me, by way of example, as to why coming here is helpful. I was the human dustbin for my xBPDgf who used to tell me I was "toxic," "evil," and "didn't know how to love," or "didn't know what love is," and other such things. Truly, no one had ever said such things to me before; and, because I so desperately loved her, and because my reality testing was so skewed because of her distortions and lies, I internalized what she said to me, believed it, then tried to fix these things within myself. Crazy, I know, but very true. This repetition cycle nearly drove me over the edge.

So…to see Lion Fire say that he was called a "horrible, despicable person who is incapable of having a healthy relationship with any human," and the like, sends off alarm bells, and also serves as a reminder that there are, in fact, patterns to those with these personality disorders, or at least traits of them. No healthy, centered person says such things to a loved one, or even to an acquaintance or friend. They come from a deeply rooted, dark and enormously fragile part of themselves, that must take all of the darkness and self-loathing and insecurities and project them onto you so that you are the "bad guy." That's how my xBPDgf, at least, was able to continue with her self-image of goodness. Just the fact that her world was divided between good and evil, and the damage this creates to people like ourselves, was significantly validated for me through my reading of posts here.

It's all to say, I have drawn upon this site as a source of validation and support, whilst also recognizing that I have some serious stuff to work on myself, and that to become unstuck, I have had to dig deep within me, recognize my own fears and care-taking issues, among other things, and to confront them, while also being gentle on myself. To do this, I needed - and still do sometimes - to know that I don't live in Oz, and that there's nothing wrong with my reality testing. Reading shared experiences here have helped me enormously with that.

[coolioqq]

I did take a week-long break from the forum. Thoughts, feelings, rumination and constant replaying in my head did not go away. As a matter of fact, all I could think about was her. At the very least, when I come here and read everyone's stories, empathy if nothing else preocupies my thoughts and my desire to help in any way I can. It's like voluntary work to keep our thoughts and feelings away from those who caused them. Not running awat, but gathering perspectives and experiences to deal with them more successfully.

Did you ever get the deja vu deeling while readingg others' stories? I actually have found exactly every element of my story in a subset of others' to the point where I think I either have doppelgangers here or we dated exactly the same person .

Sense of unity and community is what we all deeply crave for. Unity with our partners and communion with those alike. This way I get to have at least one of those. And with healing and learning I'll get here, I'm confident that I'll eventually meet someone that will show me what a joke this was. Until then, I am bettering myself for that person.

Last thing to remember is this board is a bit like school, you take home what you make of it. So, try to focus on the tools and, unfortunately, sad stories of how further involvement would lay out so that you can finalize your detachment. I am, and many of us here, are in the same boat with you - remember that!  

[HappyNihilist]

I think that having a safe place to express and process our thoughts is the most helpful tool in healing. After all, the first three stages of Detachment are Acknowledgment, Self-Inquiry, and Processing. Whether you find that with a family member or friend, in a support group (IRL or online), with a therapist, in a journal -- well, that just depends on what works for you.

For me, personally, these boards have been a lifesaver. I definitely feel a difference when I'm away from them for whatever reason. They help me get to a better place, one of rational thought, reflection, and understanding.

And knowing that you're not alone in the world is a beautiful feeling.

[Waifed]

JC

These boards are a great source for understanding about BPD and what you have experienced.  I think you take in as much as you can and then decide for yourself when it is time to back away.  I use the boards now more to try to help others (paying it back) but I felt like I needed to get away from it at times.  I still have occasional bad days after 7 months but it is less about my ex and more about my feelings and fear about the future.  Recovery is all about feeding your mind all that you can about this experience and then letting it process.  I'm not an expert, but I think more work you put in at the beginning the quicker the brain heals.  Time, healing (processing) and detachment are the keys to recovery.  Until you experience all these to a reasonable degree you will still have work to do.  You are the only one that can decide when is too much. 

[Lucky Jim]

No healthy, centered person says such things to a loved one, or even to an acquaintance or friend. They come from a deeply rooted, dark and enormously fragile part of themselves, that must take all of the darkness and self-loathing and insecurities and project them onto you so that you are the "bad guy."

Well said, ConverseHome.  Like you, I internalized a lot of the horrible stuff my BPDxW projected on me, in part because I became so isolated from friends and family during my marriage to a pwBPD that I lacked any perspective on my situation.  It took an intervention by  concerned friends and family for me to see the light.  After getting formally divorced last year, I'm finally coming back around to self-acceptance.  Turns out I'm not the terrible person that my Ex said I was (I know that sounds weird, but that's what BPD does to us Nons).  LuckyJim

[Popcorn71]

This site has been a great help to me.  I have received support when I have been at my lowest and people have helped me to see that I am 'normal'.  I now understand better, what happened in my relationship and although I am far from over it, I think that the discussions on here are helping me.

I cannot talk with anyone in 'real life' as everyone thinks I should be over it by now.  If I didn't have this site, I don't know what I would do.

[LongGoneEx]

I have been sitting here thinking and wonder if it helps to be on sites like these.

Yes, because knowing the truth of things as they really are is always helpful, albeit painful. A common issue arising at the end of relationships with BPD/NPD partners is the lack of closure. We were enmeshed with a pathologically dishonest person who can never give us closure. Truthfully facing the emotional abuse we've been through and our weakness in tolerating it is important for healing.

[winston72]

Check out these points from the Mayo Clinic:

Most of us come here when things are at their worst. It's a relief to find that others struggle with the same experiences and heartaches. There is so much more that can be obtained though, by reading and posting with us during the good times, and not just the bad. The Mayo Clinic has this to say about support groups:

Benefits of participating in support groups may include:

    * Feeling less lonely, isolated or judged

    * Gaining a sense of empowerment and control

    * Improved coping skills and adjustment

    * An opportunity to talk openly and honestly about your feelings

    * Reduction in distress, depression or anxiety

    * A clearer understanding of what to expect with your situation

    * Learning about new medical research

    * Getting practical advice or information about treatment options

    * Comparing notes about resources, such as doctors and alternative options

www.mayoclinic.com/health/support-groups/MH00002