I am afraid

[just_confused]

I am 3 going on 4 weeks in split black with official N/C since Tuesday. I don't want to be 3 months or 6 months or 1 year or longer and still be thinking about this man. He has truly destroyed me. I had faith in our relationship. I had faith in us. I loved him completely and whether I like it or not, he doesn't feel the same way. I don't want to be mourning this forever. I want to move on from it. I am afraid I am never going to get over this. When will the desperate wanting him go away? When will the wanting him to contact me go away? When will the fear of him contacting me because of the emotional aftermath go away? Am I the only person who feels this way? Am I the only person who wants him to call but doesn't? Am I the only one who wantes to be with him even though I know he horrible for me and there is not a person in my life who wantes me to be with him? Am I ever going to be able to stop the glamourizing the good times and ignoring the bad? I've done journaling, I'm in therapy, I've block any way for him to contact me accept physically showing up at my house or calling me at work. I'm doing what I should be doing? I have even thought of going to get hypnotized to help with the obsessing? I think about him nearly constantly! For the love of God, how much longer is this going to last. The last month has been the darkest Hell of my life! I can't take it anymore! I feel like I am walking it alone. Please help.

[cron65]

My dear friend,

Don't drive yourself crazy. You are not alone... we all hurt. I think you should get some help. Go to a therapist... . talk to someone locally about getting some mental health... asap.

Caring for you,

cron 65... xoxo

[Trent]

Immediately after the last breakup, I felt the same way.  And, in some ways, I still do, but the intensity has lessened a great deal.  Today is 22 days NC for me.

Stay strong.  Continue with NC.  Remember:  this, too, shall pass!

Good luck! 

[trappedinlove]

JC, have hope and hang in there.

There's a process you have to go through with yourself to get to the gist of why you're stuck and it takes time and work.

Everyone's process is probably different.  For me, what worked best recently was acceptance with no judgement of myself, my x, the r/s we had... .   I needed to identify and release a lot of guilt and shame I had about the place I am and to better understand how it serves me - what am I running from and be gentle with myself about it.  Once I understood my part and the suffering I'm inflicting on myself I have no reason to blame anything external - people or circumstances that I have no control over.  Although the external issues are triggering my internal issues, they are not the root cause. I can deal with the root cause because it's my own.

I hope this helps... .   I feel your pain and I know it very well... . hugs

[DB33]

They say that detaching from someone with BPD traits that you have become attached to is akin to trying to kick a heroin addiction. Now while I can't speak for drug addiction I can say that this breakup with my exGF is one of the most gut wrenching things I have ever been through.

Last summer we went 3 months no contact and I was a mess. This round I am doing better... . or at least that is what I keep telling myself   Focusing on her bad behaviors helps. Making new friends, going to see old ones, doing activities you used to enjoy. I say used to because I realise most anything you do at this point will feel joyless. You have a therapist to confide in, hopefully you have a friend or two as well.

A person with BPD traits starts out a relationship with elevated intensely good feelings, and ends it on the opposite spectrum. We were drawn into this and are experiencing some of the same extremes.

Everyone is different and what helps one person won't necessarily help another.  Instead of getting upset that you are in pain and want it to go away, try focusing on why you are feeling this way and what you did to arrive in this position. Understanding yourself is part of the key. Not only to making it go away, but also from stopping it from ever happening again. 

[LettingGo14]

When will the desperate wanting him go away? When will the wanting him to contact me go away? When will the fear of him contacting me because of the emotional aftermath go away? Am I the only person who feels this way? Am I the only person who wants him to call but doesn't? Am I the only one who wantes to be with him even though I know he horrible for me and there is not a person in my life who wantes me to be with him? Am I ever going to be able to stop the glamourizing the good times and ignoring the bad? I've done journaling, I'm in therapy, I've block any way for him to contact me accept physically showing up at my house or calling me at work. I'm doing what I should be doing? I have even thought of going to get hypnotized to help with the obsessing? I think about him nearly constantly! For the love of God, how much longer is this going to last. The last month has been the darkest Hell of my life! I can't take it anymore! I feel like I am walking it alone. Please help.

I empathize completely.  It made me feel like I was stuck in quicksand, digging deeper every time I struggled.   

Have you ever read "True Refuge" by Tara Brach?  The concept of mindfulness meditation was foreign to me before this breakup.   But, the idea of Wise Mind really helped me.

Thought I'd post here in case you found helpful:  TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

[letmeout]

Did you go through all of the 5 stages of grief? You honestly need to do that because this was the death of everything you wanted and hoped for in that relationship.

I understand your fear, I was scared to death that I would be recycled and put through the ringer of hell again. Thank goodness that hasn't happened, and I've been out long enough to have the resolve never to go back to living that way.

[Changingman]

I hit 50 a few weeks after the car crash, I remember thinking I haven't got any time left for a year long journey of discovery. I was literally sweating out poison for 3 months before anything else could be accomplished. Then i had the realisation what had been happening for 4 years ( each are different ) I had NO idea. Then it just keeps getting slightly better with some major jumps in detaching. Each part of you needs rebuilding ( mind spirit body ). I'm something like 9 months out! She is no longer part of me, I was getting really sick from her crazy and my own crazy. It's worth it to take some time for yourself. It gets better.