So I am usually frustrated

[Tired_of_this12345]

I posted a large amount on the new member thread,  but I thinks it is time I moved here.

All of my friends want me to stop talking to her, but I always find myself going back.  We are moving towards the back together stage after a brief period of no contact.  We have slept together a few times and things are ok right now.  I do love being with her,  but lately, we have only been together in bed.  That part is always great.

She claims that she had no idea I was so upset about her overly close relationship with her ex husband,  and awkward friendships with male friends.   These are guys that have openly told her that they want to be with her.  I told her on many occasions that these things made me unhappy before I broke up with her.   But now she acts as if she never understood that I was so hurt.   I had told her many times. 

So here we are and she promises sweeping changes.   Her ex husband is supposed to cease with his drop ins and she will not talk to him everyday like she does now.   And she promises not to talk to these satellite guys.   We will see about that.     

[maxsterling]

Well, I can see where you are frustrated.  I'm glad you have boundaries - but be prepared - she will cross them.  You have to be prepared to have consequences when she does, otherwise she will just repeat the pattern.

I don't think it's easy for pwBPD to actually understand how they hurt others.  You can tell them over and over, they can seem to understand, they can explain in detail how they were hurt when others do the exact same thing to them, but they can't easily grasp how they hurt you.  They work on emotions - if they didn't "feel" it, it didn't happen.  So don't expect her to understand how it hurts you for her to have her ex husband come around.  If you read the threads on here, it's a common issue most of us deal with.  My GF can go on and on about the things people did to hurt her, but can't really understand how her behavior destroyed others.  She will make excuses that she is "mentally ill" or was an "active addict" at the time. 

I do think you should think hard about your current situation - are you happy having a sex-only relationship?  If you really desire a deeper relationship with her - I'd suggest ending the sexual portion of it.  You are only damaging future potential by sleeping with her right now, and you are giving her no reason to help herself.  A pwBPD can be fine with a sex only relationship - until they jump to the next sex only relationship, meanwhile crushing other's feelings.  They often use sex to self-medicate - to feel raw pleasure and avoid looking at themselves.  By sleeping with her, you are just enabling her issues.

[goldylamont]

So here we are and she promises sweeping changes.   Her ex husband is supposed to cease with his drop ins and she will not talk to him everyday like she does now.   And she promises not to talk to these satellite guys.   We will see about that. 

i think you will eventually see that she's just a straight up liar, only she will be better at hiding it now that she knows that you are keeping tabs.

make sure you don't lose too much respect from your friends, i mean, they are your friends and they will be there for you, but i would listen more to their honesty than her dishonesty. there's "trust, but verify", then there's also "don't trust, and verify" -- i think it wise if you do the latter.

[Tired_of_this12345]

Excellent point.   Things might appear to be better but she is just more aware.  I remember the time when I wouldn't even consider looking in her phone.   Now I am constantly thinking of getting a moment to run through her phone.  For some reason,  I feel that if I catch her lying,  then leaving her will be easy. 

And you are right about my friends.  They are all sick of listening to me talk about her.  They think that the solution is simple.  Relationships shouldn't be a constant struggle; they should be easy.  I don't even talk to some of them because I know how disappointed they would be to know that I am talking to her again. 

[Tired_of_this12345]

Maxsterling,

Sorry,  I didn't initially see your post.  You are so right about not seeing things.  She has done things with her ex husband that I have found to be deplorable,  but she doesn't see a problem with.  She has stopped for dinner and drinks with him,  while I wait at her house for her.  So basically went on a date,  while I waited for her.  He sends sexual texts to her.  I don't go through her phone,  so I am only referring to the ones I have seen.  Then she defends him by saying "oh, he was just drunk."   She talks to him on the phone everyday,  and mostly about their lives.  Her youngest child is 16,  while the other two are 21 and 24.   So this is not a matter of staying in contact for the kids.   Then he just drops by and has dinner with her and one of the kids.   Or she will talk about a special dinner she wants to make for me,  and then will make it for him.

It is all something that I really have a problem with.  And while I have explained this a million times,  she doesn't get it.   However,  if I text my ex on something regarding my child, I just betrayed her.   One time my ex texted me because she took my 4 year old to the hospital in the middle of the night with a 104 temp.   She still refers to this as a huge disappointment to her.   "You got out of my bed in the middle of the night to go be with her.  That is something she could have handled on her own!" 

And you are right,  I will not be happy with the sex only relationship.  And I anticipate it moving back to where it was,  and then I am sure we will repeat our cycle.  Good for a few weeks,  and then the slow decline back to terrible before another break up.  It is frustrating.