Help me keep in mind that I made the right choice

[Levali]

We broke up a while ago (his decision), and after much strange behaviour and mild stalking, today he called me and told me he wants to work through his issues, that he still loves me, he's had time to think and he wants us to make things work. I told him that I couldn't do it and he said goodbye, and that was that.

I'm struggling with sticking to my guns. I know that a healthy relationship is NOT in the cards for him right now, and the best thing for me is to move on and not look back. However, I miss him terribly - it was (unsurprisingly) the most intense relationship of my life despite its brevity. And there is a part of me that is urged to just go back, to believe what he's saying - as if he is the exception to the rule, that he LOVES me, that it can work... .

I need someone to re-affirm that I made the right decision. I know I did, but it's helpful when others stand behind you. I'm wavering right now.

[fromheeltoheal]

It helped me to make a list of all the unacceptable behavior that I made "acceptable" because I got lost for a while in the intensity.  With a little distance the memories came, I was shocked at what I had put up with in my delusion, and the list really helped shift my focus to what was right, to why leaving her was right.

It's hard when someone turns on the sugar, we get selective memory and combine it with our hopes and dreams, thinking that can be our reality.  Not.  Only to be blindsided again.  Call it your reality list, and post it here if you want, we'll be waiting... .

[Madison66]

Levali,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this and it is totally understandable how you feel you are struggling to stick to your guns.  I'm 130+ days out and I've been triggered in the last week to think about some of the good things of the 3+ year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  It could be the warm weather, the new feelings I'm having in a r/s I just started with a fantastic non PD, etc.  My T helped me deal with it by thinking about a painful situation from the r/s (there were so many!) and "bookending" it on each side of the "fantasy" memory that was being triggered in my mind.  This has helped me quickly sort the vision or memory behind me where it belongs and keep things in perspective of knowing there were some good times or elements of the r/s coupled with much pain, hurt, confusion and abuse.  I'm not suggesting to color your ex or the r/s black, but to see it for what it really was and not the fantasy we all got caught up in.  Good luck!