uBPM is "buying off" her Grandson

[Legacymaker]

Sorry in advance, I expect this is going to be a long rant as I am having a day full of anxiety!

I have had VLC with my mother since our latest blowup, at Christmas.  She is extremely jealous of my life, my marriage, my successes, my mothering... . everything.  Now she is playing my oldest son off against his parents and brothers.

My husband and I have done okay for ourselves financially.  We have been self employed for over 25 years.  We have 3 terrific sons and have been close to all of them.  We have been fortunate enough to have the resources to help each of them to achieve their own goals and successes.  They are 27, 24 and 21. We paid for 4 years of college for them. (Jealous point #475).  We have taken each of them with us on a cruise for their graduations. (Jealous point #600).  We have helped each of them purchase their first home. (Jealous point #1001)

We paid cash for all of the houses which were all forclosures and why we wanted to get them for a cash price. We then spent months working on the homes (with our sons) to bring them back to a sellable condition.  With our cash and the boys sweat equity, they have all made substantial profits when they are ready to sell. (Which was our goal). The boys are on a land contract terms with us for two years or until they secure their own financing, whichever comes first.  This is killing my mother and she complains constantly about how spoiled they are.  How she was a good mother (don't see the correlation there) etc. 

Our children are far from spoiled.  We have taught them financial management since they were 14.  We have worked on their credit reports since they were 17. They have all worked full time while going to school to put money away.  In fact, they usually had 3 jobs at a time during the summer months, working about 90 hours a week.  All of our sons are very driven and working towards substantial life goals.

In our last argument my mother said, "your boys only love you because their father is alive and we (her and her husband) have a better social status than you."  These were just two of her proclaimations, spewed during her hour long tyrade of nastiness (all were hostile and vicious).

My oldest son is starting a 3D printing business.  My husband and I have been guiding him in business development for nearly a year.   Since I quit speaking to my mother, she and her husband have suddenly started acting like they are the only ones he should take advice from.  They have been paying for him to visit in another state. Now they are throwing money at him like crazy.  He is the favored grandson of the 3 (the new "golden child" since I've been cast off).  They have just given him nearly $1,000 to go to a conference in May.  He does not understand the penelty he is going to pay for taking this money from them and I am trying to stay out of it.   My son does not understand how beholden he will always need to be to them.  He does not understand how many times he will need to praise them for their "gift".  I know it is also going to cause hard feelings with his younger siblings (who he is close to) and eventually, this money will end in heartache for my oldest because he will never be able to say thank you enough.  The other boys are not receiving the same treatment from their grandparents. 

I woke up this morning having a panic attack after I dreamed that my mother had flown in to visit me.  In my dream, she started reminding me of all the ways I will never be as good as her.

I have tried to protect my kids from the dysfunction of my family.   I am sad for my immediate family, we are pretty tight.  I feel like I am in a pressure cooker and it is about to explode. There is little I can do about it.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  It's just been a really rough day... .

[clljhns]

Hi Legacymaker,

I am so sorry that you are going through this! I am also sorry that I don't have words of wisdom to ease the anxiety. I can only tell you that I went through a similar situation with my daughter. My parents would give her $300 at a time, starting when she was only 13. I was furious and told them to stop giving her that kind of money. Really, what does a 13 year old need with that kind of cash. I instilled in my daughter to be self-sufficient and she got her first job when she was 15. She worked two jobs at 16 and saved enough money to help pay for the expenses related to purchasing her first car. I was so proud of her! They continued to try and buy her love through monetary gifts, and nothing I said would stop them. I did not express my concern with my daughter, as I really didn't know what to say about the situation. When I went NC, my daughter was 18. We discussed the situation, and I told her that it would be her decision to continue a relationship with her grandparents. Even though she liked the money and other expensive gifts, she told me she was actually relieved to go NC herself because she knew they never really loved her they way I did and only tried to buy her love. I was astounded! I didn't think that she would be able to assess the situation with such maturity and accuracy!

I think that one statement that stood out to me was she did not receive love from them, only gifts. I wonder if your son doesn't also recognize this? I can absolutely understand your anxiety of your son being sucked in and then manipulated by your mom, as you once were. However, with the solid foundation that you gave your son in your description of how you and your husband raised your sons, I doubt that he will stray too far, or for too long. People who have experienced real, unconditional love, without strings attached, are intolerant of those who would place such constraints on them.

Take a deep breath, and remember the values that you instilled in your son. He may like the attention for a while, but in the end, I bet he decides that the benefits do not outweigh the costs.

Sending lots of positive thoughts and hugs your way!  

[Legacymaker]

Thank you cljhns! 

I know you are right in your advice to just let it lay.

My son's do see through some of thier behaviors.

In fairness, my mom and her husband have been pretty decent grandparents. (Mostly because we only see them once a year). The boys love them.  I would not want to change that relationship.  The games and constant competition are just extremely exhausting.

Thank you for letting me vent.