uBPD Sis is talking suicidal thoughts, but I"m NC. Need refresher course here..

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi Everyone:

I've been NC w/ uBPD sis for 2 years, uNPD dad for 3 years, and uNPD mom for more than a decade.  I've never changed my phone number, honestly hoping that they would get help, and have some way to contact me.  Well, uBPD sis has basically been text bombing me intermittently for the past two years, sometimes as many as 30 texts a day, and today she stepped it up.  She sent me a text saying that she was having post-partum depression, and suicidal thoughts, but that she was going back to therapy. 

The other crazy thing is that I'm currently walking around 3cm dilated, could go into labor any minute, and have other children at home.  My whole reason for going NC is that I have a family to take care of, and can't deal w/ their drugged-out, drunken drama all the time.  uBPD sis says she "doesn't want to talk" to the other family about it.  She doesn't have any other friends with kids, and says her husband is emotionally unsupportive.

I wondered if I should call CPS in her city, since I'm out of state.  I don't want her to harm herself, or her baby, but since I'm so far away, and have had no contact with her for so long, I have no way of knowing how bad her situation actually is.  We used to call this type of interaction a brand of particular vacuum, but that word is now substituted w/ "re-engagement" or something like that.  I feel like she's trying to suck me back in w/ a crisis, but dang, if I'm WRONG, there are serious consequences to this. 

Here's honestly what I wanted to say, but since I'm NC, and not an unfeeling sociopath, I won't: 

"Well, guess what, sis?  Since I've had to disconnect from YOUR insanity, the extended family thinks I'm nuts.  'How could you not talk to your own mother/father/sister?'  I don't HAVE The option of going to family with any problems, since I've stopped being all of your ever-available tit to suck off of!  But since family is soo important to all of you, since blood is soo much thicker than water, and since family should aaaaaaaalways be there for you, CALL THEM! Why the heck are you calling ME?  Because you grew up coming to me in a crisis?  Because you genuinely WANT help?  Or because you don't want the repercussions of feeling suicidal when you have a baby in the house?  Am I just something you can rub your leg against to feel better, but not have to ACTUALLY deal w/ your depression?"

I'll copy/paste her text from my phone in the next response.  I would REALLY love some feedback, and some advice on what to do. Sorry for re-engaging w/ YOU GUYS like this.  I haven't been a part of this community in a while, and I appreciate you being here.  <3

TTGB

[tryintogetby]

Hi Everyone:

I've been NC w/ uBPD sis for 2 years, uNPD dad for 3 years, and uNPD mom for more than a decade.  I've never changed my phone number, honestly hoping that they would get help, and have some way to contact me.  Well, uBPD sis has basically been text bombing me intermittently for the past two years, sometimes as many as 30 texts a day, and today she stepped it up.  She sent me a text saying that she was having post-partum depression, and suicidal thoughts, but that she was going back to therapy. 

The other crazy thing is that I'm currently walking around 3cm dilated, could go into labor any minute, and have other children at home.  My whole reason for going NC is that I have a family to take care of, and can't deal w/ their drugged-out, drunken drama all the time.  uBPD sis says she "doesn't want to talk" to the other family about it.  She doesn't have any other friends with kids, and says her husband is emotionally unsupportive.

I wondered if I should call CPS in her city, since I'm out of state.  I don't want her to harm herself, or her baby, but since I'm so far away, and have had no contact with her for so long, I have no way of knowing how bad her situation actually is.  We used to call this type of interaction a brand of particular vacuum, but that word is now substituted w/ "re-engagement" or something like that.  I feel like she's trying to suck me back in w/ a crisis, but dang, if I'm WRONG, there are serious consequences to this. 

Here's honestly what I wanted to say, but since I'm NC, and not an unfeeling sociopath, I won't: 

"Well, guess what, sis?  Since I've had to disconnect from YOUR insanity, the extended family thinks I'm nuts.  'How could you not talk to your own mother/father/sister?'  I don't HAVE The option of going to family with any problems, since I've stopped being all of your ever-available tit to suck off of!  But since family is soo important to all of you, since blood is soo much thicker than water, and since family should aaaaaaaalways be there for you, CALL THEM! Why the heck are you calling ME?  Because you grew up coming to me in a crisis?  Because you genuinely WANT help?  Or because you don't want the repercussions of feeling suicidal when you have a baby in the house?  Am I just something you can rub your leg against to feel better, but not have to ACTUALLY deal w/ your depression?"

I'll copy/paste her text from my phone in the next response.  I would REALLY love some feedback, and some advice on what to do. Sorry for re-engaging w/ YOU GUYS like this.  I haven't been a part of this community in a while, and I appreciate you being here.  <3

TTGB

[tryintogetby]

Her text:  "Fine. You obviously don't have the time to talk. I get it. You have 4 kids. It's just that I'm scared, I keep feeling like everyone will be better off without me. That I'm a terrible mother.  I have thoughts of just ending it all so [her son] won't have to suffer me when he grows up. I'm going back to therapy but my husband is no good on the emotional support and I have no friends with kids, and I really don't want to talk to anyone in the family about it. But I get it. Your busy. I'll figure this out somehow." .

[coraliesolange]

A lot of times with BPD people just say things to get your attention or to get what they want from you--BUT they can and do harm children or themselves sometimes. I would definitely get someone to look in on her in case it's a dangerous situation for the little one.

[Deb]

You could also contact the police in  her city and tell them she is threatening suicide. They can go and check on her.

[tryintogetby]

Well, maybe this thread should be re-titled, "How do deal w/ them SUCKING YOU IN."

I called a crisis hotline in her city, and they advised me to call the police for a wellness check. I called them, and since I don't have a current address for sis, all they could do was call her.  Sis texted me back, mad that I "embarassed" her, and said I was only supposed to call the cops if she refused to seek help.  She said she WAS seeking help, and wanted MY help, which is why she called ME. 

I texted her back for the first time in 2 years, just to let her know that I"m in LONG SLOW LABOR, and next time she "seeks help," she seek it from someone who isn't 3cm dilated, 6 hours away, and counting contractions.

Of COURSE, she switched from black-to-white in a heartbeat, full of rainbows and unicorns and sparkles, with texts that said things along the lines of CONGRATULATIONS, wowosh, you've got this, you'll do great, spring babies are best, chocolate pudding always helps (which is REALLY funny, since I'm allergic to milk, and that would put me in the hospital)

And THIS is why people who are genuinely suicidal don't get the help they deserve, because BPDs throw the S word around like so much bait to hook us in.   :'(

[nomom4me]

All this stress could delay or complicate your labor.  Either turn your phone off, give it to your partner or disable texts.  I will not engage in any text based contact with my mother or sister because it's either cryptic or abusive, but never productive.  I can tell you, from experience that once you have engaged it is very difficult to get a BPD to stop a behavior.  For me, it's too easy for my mom to fire off a nasty email/text and go on with her day as if the matter is closed.  If I were you I would tell your sister that you can't text with a baby.  Are you a 1st time mom?  It is really difficult in those first few days to have a free hand.  Your sister can call if she wants updates, maybe your partner can answer?

She's a mother, she knows that your priorities are not her.  Maybe she is trying to change that.  I hope the birth of your child changes the dynamic, that has happened with my family.  If it doesn't, look into what kind of features your phone has for number blocking, there are apps, etc. 

[nomom4me]

I forgot to say, CONGRATS ON THE BABY!

[Coral]

Do not ever ignore someone threatening suicide, if for no other reason than the snake of guilt wrapping itself around your spine.   By alerting someone (in this case, the police), you've done two things; 1) what you could to prevent something from happening and 2) put her on notice.   I would also advise sending her a text that states, "If you threaten, even by implication or innuendo, suicide, I will contact the authorities." 

I'm glad you did call the police. 

Congratulations on your soon-to-be-here baby!   

[G.J.]

I have talked to my T about this subject many times, as my dBPD sister has done this to me as well.  One time, she actually told me she TRIED to commit suicide, but stopped herself mid-way through, because she knew I would be devastated if she wasn't around to be my Maid of Honor one day when I got married.  (I wasn't even dating anyone at the time.  Talk about a guilt trip and manipulation!)

Anyway, my T told me that you don't even respond to them when they start stuff like this -- you just call the police, tell them the person is threatening suicide, and let them deal with it.  This does a few things:

1) Gets the feelings of guilt and worry off your shoulders

2) Sends them a message that if they're going to threaten it, they better mean it

3) Keeps you from having to re-engage

I *think* my T would tell you to not even respond to your sister's text telling you that you embarrassed her.  He said the strongest message you can send to people like this, is no message at all.  He said that they need to learn that in order for them to have a relationship with you, they need to get their act together.  Until then, you're not going to deal with their drama.

Beyond that, it occurs to me that you shouldn't have to "justify" why you can't be there for her, or why you can't check in on her yourself, or why you called the police, etc.  Pregnant or not, you have the right to not WANT to deal with her problems -- never mind, not be in a position to help her.

It's not your fault that she chose an unsupportive mate and father of her children.  It's not your fault that she chose to have children and then neglected to make friends with other women in her same situation.  Even if she tried to make friends and everyone rejected her, it's not your fault she has a personality problem that makes others run from her.  It's not your fault that she doesn't want to talk to anyone else, and is isolating herself to ONE option for support (you).  These are HER choices and HER problems.  What does this have to do with you, except for the fact that SHE is CHOOSING to make it about you?

For what it's worth, I've been NC with my sister for close to 3 years now.  About a year ago, she started text-bombing me every 2 weeks or so.  Initially, I told her to stop contacting me, because I had had it with her garbage.  After she violated that boundary and kept contacting me, I just ignored her texts completely.  Eventually after several months of this, I realized that getting her texts was just upsetting me and doing nothing positive for my life, so I blocked her phone number.  She recently emailed me on Facebook, and I didn't even read it.  The peace and quiet has been really nice.  Awhile back I would have felt SO GUILTY for doing stuff like this... .   But through a lot of therapy, self-empowerment and boundaries work, I've learned that it's my job to take care of ME.  NOT her.  And if her texts are disturbing to me, then my job is to put a stop to the texts.  I cannot control her actions, but I can control my own.

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, there, TTGB!

It's good to hear from you again, and I hope things are going well with your pregnancy/delivery/newborn (whichever it is at the moment). I can tell you feel some anger and resentment toward your sister and also that you care about her and her baby and don't want harm to come to her. It seems unfair for her to put you in the position of having to deal with her suicidal feelings.

I think calling a suicide prevention hotline was the right thing to do.   I think you had cause to be concerned for her and that the wellness check you asked the police to do was warranted. Is there a way you can communicate to your sister what you need her to do the next time she is suicidal, and what you plan to do the next time she chooses to share those thoughts with you? Can you use TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth?

We also have this workshop that might have something helpful for you: TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Wishing you peace,

PF