Saying One Thing But Doing Another.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have often wondered why pwBPD say one thing but then do the opposite. For instance my ex BPDgf told me to never delete her phone number and never  contact her again.  Weeks later she is trying to make contact with me again.

Seems to me that everything they say is a lie. Or do they forget what they have said. Or does their illness make them act this way.  I wish i understood what it all means.

[Willingtolearn]

I have often wondered why pwBPD say one thing but then do the opposite. For instance my ex BPDgf told me to never delete her phone number and never  contact her again.  Weeks later she is trying to make contact with me again.

Seems to me that everything they say is a lie. Or do they forget what they have said. Or does their illness make them act this way.  I wish i understood what it all means.

[Lion Fire]

from my experience this was common with my ex. She would set rules and then break them.

Double standards was also usual. She would limit my contact with other women but would have a loads of male "mates" aka, suppliers or potential replacements. There were rules for me and no rules for her. Yep, that's part of the deal 

[AwakenedOne]

Saying one thing but doing another... .

My ex said she loves to keep a clean house, nothing like the feeling of a clean house.

Ya right ... . She never offered to clean the house after we got married. Never. I did it all, except on occasion when I would almost have to beg and reason with her to help me did she assist.

[MrFox]

My ex swore up and down she had never cheated on anyone and never would.  Turns out she has cheated in every relationship she has ever had.

Had her friend call me and tell me to never talk to her again.  Two days later she was texting me about how she would always be waiting for me.  Then continued to contact me, swinging between love and hate.

Finally, threatened me that if she ever saw me again she would "eat my soul".  Two months ago, she showed up at a place she knew I would be at.

I could keep going but those were some of the big ones.  She, and I think many others people with BPD, have little to no impulse control.  They say things in the heat of the moment and then regret them.  Also, I think most of them tend to be liars in general.

[trappedinlove]

With my BPDx sometimes it was wishful thinking and sometimes it seemed to me like cover up for her opposite and confused feeling.  Some would call that a lie but I believe she actually is confused and feels both ways. It is just that she can't tolerate greyness. Everything dealing with emotions must be total, either black or white.

In one case she was actually very open and told me how freaked out she feels when she gets so close emotionally as she felt to me, so she keeps a distance to avoid being hurt be being too close.

And in another case we talked about the way she deals with separation.  When I went on business trips for over a week or so, the first few days she told me how much she misses me and then when I returned she acted distant as if this never happened, so I asked her what's going on, and she said after 2-3 days something inside her switches off so not to feel pain and abandonment and that she can't switch it back on, or more accurately (from a different occasion) that it is extremely rare and hard for her to unlock and reverse these negative switches.

She was not apologetic about it but not happy about that either.  It's a pretty sad reality for her and I think she's aware of that most of the time but she covers it up with being joyful and flirtatious - hence the mixed messages and actions.

[Mutt]

I have often wondered why pwBPD say one thing but then do the opposite. For instance my ex BPDgf told me to never delete her phone number and never  contact her again.  Weeks later she is trying to make contact with me again.

Seems to me that everything they say is a lie. Or do they forget what they have said. Or does their illness make them act this way.  I wish i understood what it all means.

Do as I say, not as I do. I understand this. It's control. Impulsive behavior. Take it with a grain of salt. Telling you to delete your number is to illicit fear, guilt, she called you for her need.

[Jason886]

I saw the same trait in my BPD, she would often contradict herself by saying one thing and doing the opposite. It was quite frustrating as it made me feel like I had no idea who she was, not to mention it seriously damaged my trust in her.

I think a lot of it was impulsive mirroring, saying what was expected at the time. It seemed like everything was situation specific, depending on where she was in life at the time, there was no real integrity.

[coolioqq]

Concrete examples with my dBPDexgf:

This is what she said first: I am definitely not materialistic - you won't impress me by what you have or the gifts - you don't need to give me any of that. I don't want any of that.

Then this: Just so you know, I like this, this and this, in case you are going to surprise me.

Followed by this: She didn't like her first present, although it was fairly expensive for a first time gift. How did I know? She made me feel cheap (I am, unfortunately for me, the opposite of that - a real giver who leaves crumbles for himself) When I thanked her for her cheap gift (now that I think of it, my first gift to her was about 4 times the price of hers) from the bottom of my heart, she responded with some uninvited and completely unrelated vulgarities, triggered by her disatisfaction with my present. Several days later, I surprised her with another gift. The contact before she got it was cold - she tried to make me feel guilty for the present and also scolded me for something else I said (completely benign - I was talking about seeing the two of us together). When she got the gift, shortly after, I was the best in the world... .

Then some more coldness and wishy-washiness. Then another gift she gets, and I am again her soul-mate... . What happened to the woman who told me she is not materialistic?

I can cite a whole lot of examples where she was a polar opposite of what she said in literally her previous sentence! Here's another one:

Her: "I like going to this and this type of places."

Me: Ok cool. I never tried that, but it sounds fun. Since you like it, I'd love to go with you.

Her: You like to go those places? (Disgust and disbelief on her face)

Me: Uhm, not really... . It's not that I like it or don't. I've never been before... .

Her: You mean you would not tell me the truth, but pretend that you like it?

Me: Noo... . I just said that I am open to share your interests... .

Her: I don't even like going there! (along with incredible facial expressions)

Me: (lost in the fog; sound of crickets in the background)

Fast forward to after I started NC, she admitted to essentially have no personality... . That came from quite a high-functioning pwBPD. I guess that was the first time she respected me enough, though probably hoping to recycle in order to meet her needs, to put things the way they are... .

So, there's your answer why they send mixed signals? Personality is the key to having sound preferences. What they have is not sound enough to be called personality in the true meaning of the word. Hence you are dealing with a vortex there... .

I let her destroy my self-esteem with her inner conflicts. She gaslighted and projected and mirrored, all at the same time. The examples above are somethig that i replay in my mind constantly, especially whenever I miss her!

[Madison66]

I dealt with this during my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I should better say that I accepted this behavior along with rampant double standards.  My ex could calmly either lie and state that she never said things or could rationalize why she should have to follow through on commitments or hold herself to the same standards she'd expect from me.  Call it immaturity, disrespect, control, emotional abuse, etc.  I now just see it as unacceptable behavior, PD or not. 

[blissful_camper]

I saw that nearly every day.  Saying one thing but doing another, and as a result questioning who I was really involved with.  The every day stuff was offering to do something and not doing it. 

The bigger and more alarming issue was his image crafting.  For example, claiming he had certain values (moral compass) but his actions showed otherwise.  He was good at it, I'll give him that.  He had years of practice.  The image crafting was the thing that caused me to question my reality and perceptions.  Am I experiencing this?  Can I trust what I'm seeing?  I so wanted to believe in him that I made the mistake of giving more value to what he said, than what he did.  That was a huge mistake on my part. 

There were red flags and warnings early on.  I didn't ignore them, but I didn't walk away either.  Instead I made the mistake of discussing those red flags with him, and during those discussions, I thought we were having an honest and open conversation. That's what was happening at my end.  But at his end he was spinning some pretty elaborate tales.  Lesson learned. 

[corraline]

blissful

Exactly what happened in my situation.

[blissful_camper]

blissful

Exactly what happened in my situation.

Disturbing isn't it?  Right out of the r/s I felt I'd lost my faith in humanity.  One night I was lying in bed just thinking, and then felt like something about me had died as a result of those experiences. It was the worst feeling, and I was so sad and angry when I identified what that was: my positive outlook on life, optimism and faith, that voice that used to tell me that everything will be okay.  It wasn't there anymore and that scared the heck out of me.  Slowly I'm getting that part of me back.  One day at a time.