Questioning everything

[Confused?]

Is not healthy. Since my breakup I have been questioning a lot. Noticing a lot of people on here doing the same thing. Every relationship seems to be the same. Highs, lows, helping and putting up with a lot. I got lucky and when I was split black a month ago I was questioning a lot. Saw her with my replacement a week ago and it has been no contact since.

For a week now I have been questioning everything. Where did I go wrong. Why couldn't I help her. I was her everything. That's not the case. If you think about love and what it actually is you know being with them is a horrible idea. Love is feeling good around the person. Love is about trust. Love is doing anything you can to be together.

So if she loved me so much why did she never trust me and leave me like that. It's because she never did. You may think they do but the "love" they feel is just a lie like everything else. It hurts I know. But the only way to get through this is to not think about it so much and focus on yourself. I would never get back with my ex. The feeling I feel now would be gone but if we ended up back together I would just feel the same way I did the entire relationship. I wouldn't feel like myself at all.

There's hope. We just have to want to move on and stop living in the past.

[Mr gaga]

Thank you so much. Your post really helped me. I know everything was a lie and I was not to blame for the loss. While I did want so much from her, she was not committed to giving me anything but pain. That whole relationship was like poison slowly killing me inside, I guess that poison was all I had known and when it was gone and I was better. I just didn't know how to deal. I do miss her and the news of her pregnancy hurts me deeply but I think its time I just split her black like she did me and just move on until god bless me with a beautiful and faithful wife.

[woodsposse]

 

I hear your pain and your hurt.  I truly do.  But I feel that I have to share this with you and maybe it can help a bit.

Yes, you are right - love isn't suppose to hurt.  But... . they feel love - and, for them, it isn't a lie.  The problem is, they way we think and the way they think are two different things.

It may not be "healthy" to be questioning a lot - but it is normal.  It happens.

I can't tell you where you went wrong or why you couldn't help her - I don't know your back story and I wasn't there... . but ultimately - that isn't the point.  Wrong... . right... . blame... . you... . her... . the disorder... . what difference does it make?

This is about you.

How you feel.  How do you help you?  I'm sure it isn't by wanting to get back in that boat for another ride.  So what do you do?

Yes, you are learning about the disorder.  That is a start.  But I ask you... . what is it in you which makes you stay or want to stay in such a dysfunctional r/s?  You are (or were) getting something out of it.

Since you are doing a lot of questioning... . ask yourself that question - and allow your answers to take you where you need to go and find out what you need to about you.

Trust me... . there is light at the end of this tunnel.  And it starts with you.

Remember, your happiness starts and ends with you.

[AwakenedOne]

until god bless me with a beautiful and faithful wife.

I found this to be a nice thought and example of faith. I hope God does bless you.



AO

[Mutt]

So if she loved me so much why did she never trust me and leave me like that. It's because she never did. You may think they do but the "love" they feel is just a lie like everything else.

You have one person that is not mentally ill, you.

You have another person that is mentally ill, emotionally arrested.

She is limited by her capacities. I can't ask a mentally ill person to be on the same level playing field as myself, because she simply can't.

[goodmann11]

I am becoming obsessed with this site and again like everyone else keep questioning and trying to make sense of a 3 year rollercoaster ride. My ex BPDgf absolutely idolised me at first  she was 17 years my junior. I had no clue about BPD before this and at 47 had had plenty of gfs. Straight away within an hour of meeting her from pof she had invited me to her 30th birthday party (at her parents house) would run up and kiss me while there and I was bowled over flattered had met a young attractive sexy girl and the parents all in one hit. After months on pof kissing frogs my princess had arrived. When I went to leave the party she came running down the stairs with her bags packed! We spent our first night together in a hotel 3days after I first met her and she was so sexually intense it was amazing...

In the morning she would just gaze at me and and tell me I was so handsome... . Yes Im ok presentable dress well drive a nice car but hey I had not experienced this before. Very soon she was just waiting on my doorstep when I got home unannounced. I was a busy professional at the time and used to my own space so I was felt slightly engulfed but she would look so hot that although I would express surprise and question why she was there. I couldn't turn her away... I didn't realise that this was part of the seducing stage. I am the type to play it cool very early on with woman as I have been a bit of a player so this only fuelled her more. Looking back and knowing what I know now I cant believe that it was the start of me being played!

she would come into my house and just simply say "do you want sex" almost straight away and even I know that's not normal but I was just so ignorant then to the traits. She also took on that blank expression which I took to just be nerves or a hangover and without being rude she wasn't the brightest button.

The running off started within the first week... . then she would quickly return. Thought it more childish and insecure behaviour. I experienced a rage within that first week that totally shocked me but put it down to drinking. Her appearance voice and demeanour would change instantly... . where was my idolising little waif?

She kind of moved in immediately some how and you could say we had a spring/summer honeymoon interspersed with running and raging. When on honeymoon you drink a little more but somehow this masked the fact that really we were not on a level only meeting each others basic needs. For her love care support safety sex for me adoration and sex (yes I might be slightly ndp or needy... . I have since realised.

My boundaries were now being continuously tested but they are quite strong but boy was she challenging... . these people are absolute masters of their craft. I ended up with her name tattoed on my back within 3 months of knowing her and mine on hers... . I now realise how important this type od thing is to someone with detachment fears... . May to October was a whirlwind with me changing the house disposing of the past rowing running loving having great sex... . I would get emails texts cards swearing undying love... . But even then I knew thing were not right. She would check my phone accuse me of contacting my ex (no way)go through my stuff in the house looking for any perceived evidence that I was detaching. I was continuously trying to reason with her make her happy put her mind at rest. The accusations and paranoia was unbelievable but I would starting to see it as normal. By late October we had split I went NC... . Only then did I get the biggest red flag ever.

She is back at her parents has hit the bottle in the afternoon. (Look I now know the BPD fears loneliness and detachment and still in the idolising/clinging stage. Although they will introduce the hate early if you let them, she was vulnerable and dangerous... . light fuse and stand back)

I get a call at 3.30 to find she has driven her car through the front of my house... . she is 4 times over and the subsequent insurance claim was 18k... . She claimed it was a suicide attempt... . WOW welcome to the world of a BPD relationship...

shocked stunned didn't really have the emotional resources to make sense of it all... . why didn't I know about all this before!she was injured banned probation community service. she could add all that to her already 30K bankruptcy court hearing... . credit cards... . Why was I overlooking all this. I have high standards for myself... . Yep people please fixer Knight in shining armour syndrome. Hello perfect  match made in hell... .

I went no contact her parents charmed me back in as she had been sectioned... . They are nice people and in hindsight were probably trying to keep me on board as part of the primary care team...

Pulled back in after a few weeks my prospective Queen soon to be witch had been reduced to hermit/waif. We recycled and suddenly the original dynamic was resumed. Her now with no car no job her self worth ruptured I become again chief carer/white Knight. Her role as idoliser/clinger was re enforced so there we are happy in our little co-dependent world me with no real agenda but enjoying the validation and her well probably slightly frustrated that her usual dance was taking so long... . After all this older guy had tried to split with her... . this hasn't happened before I normally get my way through screaming threats guilt obligation fear... . Hey hold on he has clever girl... . You are back with me even after trying to knock my house down. I have re enforced my role as carer and she has been rewarded for ___ting on the carpet... .

So we jump back on the rollercoaster repeat repeat repeat run run run push pull push pull... . Alcohol and non alcohol fuelled arguments abuse on both sides by now (I am traumatised by the accident she lives in the now and seems to not be too affected by it). Not a week went by without I am leaving... . ok go... . well pack my bags... . yes I will... . ok put them in the car... . ok I will... . Take them out... . No! physical violence from her threats... . her family were going to get me... I am tight everyone hates me my mums a paedophile!  Unfortunately I now know this to be projection as shewas abused as a child by a family friend and her mother overlooked it and blamed her. GRRRRR I am so sad for her... . We are 3 months apart now I am sure she is with my replacement... . I should of understood all this before... . I miss her but I know that it was toxic for us both... . She is in so much pain why couldn't I have done more! I didn't understand all this enough the triggers etc but I know they can eventually destroy you. Her final demands on voicemail were buy me a car move house leave your job put me in you your will and book a wedding! (I had bought her a ring her father advised me against it)

She had owned all her exs by comparison I had stood up for myself... . I had had enough and can be a bit of a pusher... . i.e testing a girls love for me... . just as guilty as her in that respect but no way near as destructive... i said some nasty things to her one night after a drink and a bad week with her she had ratcheted up things by now. I came home from work the next day she had drunk a bottle of gin her bags were packed and she was up for a fight. I played it cool said where did you want a lift to. Four hours of the most hellish abuse ensued she ran she came back threatened she destroyed. She wasn't coming back in. She ran in front of cars in the dark sat in the road. The police were called she attacked them... . nearly tasered. She was raging... . took 3 to restrain her.

she was convicted... . went back to her mums apparently was all my fault I had wronged her I was to blame for all her misfortune... . I have never done anything for her I was at the all black stage. despite all the care presents holidays love... . Free board and lodgings .

now I am suffering sleepless nights unanswered questions about me us. I am question  my judgement. this site has really helped. she is a diagnosed BPD I mother gave me some info after the car accident but for some reason it disappeared along with all the hateful texts and other evidence. They must know that this behaviour is wrong but only after the even when they feel shame

as you can tell I am in pain... . more pain than in the relationship I swear I feel rejected and don't react to it well to it. Its Easter and I am convinced that she's on holiday with the replacement... . I am struggling like never before feeling very lonely lost and confused