Excerpt from an old email from him

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is from about a year ago.

I'm more proud if you than I can say [HN]. You know, sadly I know you need a somewhat realized and sadly somewhat unpredictable person like me in your life but there is only so much you can take from me. I am very happy that therapy is helpful. I really think there are time when it's necessary. Realizations you formulate after a hard examination with a different educated approach are actually what make you find strength to shake off what might be keeping you from your full amazing potential. You drop me to my knees as you are here today and in the past. I can imagine you fully realized and firing on all cylinders. You could roll right over me without even trying hahaha. That's hot!

Thank you. I love you always, you ass.

(There is not a trace of sarcasm there, by the way. I do thank him, I will always love him, and he could be an ass. Hell, he was screwing around while on the very trip he sent that email from. But he was good for me and to me in the best way he could be at the time. But not anymore. It can all be true at the same time. It's like magic.)

[HappyNihilist]

This is from about a year ago.

I'm more proud if you than I can say [HN]. You know, sadly I know you need a somewhat realized and sadly somewhat unpredictable person like me in your life but there is only so much you can take from me. I am very happy that therapy is helpful. I really think there are time when it's necessary. Realizations you formulate after a hard examination with a different educated approach are actually what make you find strength to shake off what might be keeping you from your full amazing potential. You drop me to my knees as you are here today and in the past. I can imagine you fully realized and firing on all cylinders. You could roll right over me without even trying hahaha. That's hot!

Thank you. I love you always, you ass.

(There is not a trace of sarcasm there, by the way. I do thank him, I will always love him, and he could be an ass. Hell, he was screwing around while on the very trip he sent that email from. But he was good for me and to me in the best way he could be at the time. But not anymore. It can all be true at the same time. It's like magic.)

[LettingGo14]

This is from about a year ago.

I'm more proud if you than I can say [HN]. You know, sadly I know you need a somewhat realized and sadly somewhat unpredictable person like me in your life but there is only so much you can take from me. I am very happy that therapy is helpful. I really think there are time when it's necessary. Realizations you formulate after a hard examination with a different educated approach are actually what make you find strength to shake off what might be keeping you from your full amazing potential. You drop me to my knees as you are here today and in the past. I can imagine you fully realized and firing on all cylinders. You could roll right over me without even trying hahaha. That's hot!

Thank you. I love you always, you ass.

(There is not a trace of sarcasm there, by the way. I do thank him, I will always love him, and he could be an ass. Hell, he was screwing around while on the very trip he sent that email from. But he was good for me and to me in the best way he could be at the time. But not anymore. It can all be true at the same time. It's like magic.)

The power to re-frame and re-assess is something I did not think I had a couple months ago.  But, like you, I'm learning that my ex may be the best thing that ever happened to me.  I feel like I've been stripped to the core.  Returned to the foundation.   I don't know if I would have done that without her. 

Have you been reading old e-mails to delete?  Or, reading to re-frame? 

You're doing good work, HN.     

[HappyNihilist]

The power to re-frame and re-assess is something I did not think I had a couple months ago.  But, like you, I'm learning that my ex may be the best thing that ever happened to me.  I feel like I've been stripped to the core.  Returned to the foundation.   I don't know if I would have done that without her.  

Have you been reading old e-mails to delete?  Or, reading to re-frame?  

You're doing good work, HN.    

Thank you so much.   That means a lot to me. I really do feel like I am doing good work for myself.

I understand exactly what you're saying. And I am SO HAPPY for you that you're getting there. I have no doubt that you will. 

I needed SOMETHING to strip me there, because I wasn't getting there quite fast enough on my own.

I was actually looking for that email in particular because, for whatever reason, it popped into my head that he once said something about me when I was fully realized. I couldn't remember the exact words or context. I did not immediately go looking for it. I stopped and asked if I thought I was going to be OK with it. And I said to myself that I was. And I knew that I wasn't lying.

So I searched just for that email. I had no intention of looking at any others. And I found it, and read it, and it was hard but it was OK. And then I read a couple more. And yes, I cried. In a good way. Because it all makes sense to me suddenly. (I say suddenly... . this is a process that has taken, well, all of my life... . but especially a lot of deep, hard internal work and rough experiences over the past 9-10 years... . it's only very suddenly and recently that is has crystallized in such a way. And is there any going back once that happens? I've never found that there is when I've had such clarity on other points in my life.)

But in the end it was not a r/s that was "meant to be," for many reasons, and that's OK. I needed it, I needed him, at the time. It helped me. It destroyed me. It saved me. It centered me.

Also... . I am not about to start poring over all of our old texts, emails, etc. That's not what this was about. I'll do that one day, maybe. For reflective purposes. Re-framing. Just memories. We said some pretty great, filthy, fun, beautiful, boring, and mean things to each other. One day I might want to read some of them. Or not. I will keep it all so I can have the option, if I choose. I would hate to just delete what was a very important chapter in the chronicle of myself. I don't need to do that.

I'm saying this all with the big neon caveat for everyone to remember that my situation is unique to me, his to him, and our r/s to us. I don't profess to speak for all pwBPD or any other type of person or r/s. That being said. In my case... . he is older, and has done more work on himself and is more self-aware than perhaps a lot of other pwBPD -- to give him the credit he deserves, more than a lot of people period, actually. He truly is disordered and realizes this and struggles with it. I did not realize (or let myself see) quite the extent of his disorder at the time, or I would have most likely ceased to engage romantically both for his sake and mine. In the end, he forced me away in the only way he knew how, the most painful way possible, because he knew that was the ONLY WAY TO GET ME OUT.

(I'm not saying everything he did was A-OK by ANY stretch of the imagination. Again: he is truly disordered. Even though he is aware of it and works on it... . with someone who triggers it as hard as I did... . neither of us stood a chance of getting out of that one without breaking completely. It had to happen.)

I understand now what he was telling me and showing me, in the non-BPD times. He did a lot of sh#tty things to me, absolutely emotionally scarring, but at the end of the day (I hate that phrase, but I'm tired and it works), he treated me with what for him is the absolute utmost in respect and love and kindness, even at sacrifice to himself, and I will never be anything but grateful for that. I'm not ready at this moment to go into a lot of details. I may never go into many details with more than a very select few people. Suffice it to say that I am very fortunate, given everything, and I realize that, and I will show him and our r/s the respect I believe that it is due.

See? I wasn't crazy when I fell for him after all. I mean, yes, I ignored a bunch of red flags that I should never, ever have (but that's life lesson #3,456 of "always trust your gut, seriously, no joke". I would not set him up with my girlfriend, ya know?   I wasn't looking to fix him, like I was scared at the end I might have been. I just wanted to love and accept him, and I knew he had problems but so do we all, and he is self-aware and I didn't realize the extent or depth of it all, and... . well, we all know how it ended. But that's not what's important. What's important is why it began. Why it continued.

I knew I needed something from the r/s besides just his love, obviously. Even though I believed him a good person -- I still ignored things and then put up with things that no one should, and I needed to find out why. Why did I need this person and this r/s at this point in my life. What is this self-inflicted emotional destruction attempting to tell me. And then it went to what has everyone who ever truly cared about me and known me (and I include him in this, yes, because he DID see THE REAL ME when no one else did or wanted to) told me. And it's always the same things. And now it's time that I did something about that.

Because the people who care about me and have tried to help? Who have been there for me and supported me? They deserve that their concern and honest advice and support is appreciated and respected.

I deserve it.

I'm rambling. Hah. I've been doing that A LOT lately. It helps. Thank you all for listening and for helping and for inspiring and for just being here. You've all helped me tons and will continue to do so. I know that I will never be quite "there" with myself... . who is?... . but I am a beautiful work in progress.  

[goldylamont]

See? I wasn't crazy when I fell for him after all. I mean, yes, I ignored a bunch of red flags that I should never, ever have (but that's life lesson #3,456 of "always trust your gut, seriously, no joke". I would not set him up with my girlfriend, ya know?   I wasn't looking to fix him, like I was scared at the end I might have been. I just wanted to love and accept him, and I knew he had problems but so do we all, and he is self-aware and I didn't realize the extent or depth of it all, and... . well, we all know how it ended. But that's not what's important. What's important is why it began. Why it continued.

thank you for this. it's quite rare to hear this perspective often. i have the same bittersweet sentiments.

I knew I needed something from the r/s besides just his love, obviously. Even though I believed him a good person -- I still ignored things and then put up with things that no one should, and I needed to find out why. Why did I need this person and this r/s at this point in my life. What is this self-inflicted emotional destruction attempting to tell me. And then it went to what has everyone who ever truly cared about me and known me (and I include him in this, yes, because he DID see THE REAL ME when no one else did or wanted to) told me. And it's always the same things. And now it's time that I did something about that.

Because the people who care about me and have tried to help? Who have been there for me and supported me? They deserve that their concern and honest advice and support is appreciated and respected.

i'd be interested in knowing what messages you've gotten from the experience? but only if they aren't too personal to share. i'm still searching for reasons why i experienced my r/s and don't want to leave any stones unturned. while i don't know if i believe i attracted this type of person, still i wonder if there's something i'm overlooking... . in any case thanks for sharing what you have so far. how long have you been apart? (i'm 2 years out)

[letmeout]

Thank you for sharing that HappyNihilist. I have not been able to look at my years with my BPD person yet the way you have. I am still coming to the boards so I can  remember not to get hooked by another BPD person when I am ready to start dating again.

I never had the chance to finish growing up before I got hooked by my BPDex. I understand why I put up with it though; I was raised by two disordered parents so I thought my ex's behavior wasn't all that bizarre for a while. I grew up and he never did; I was getting too old to put up with his BPD abuse.

[HappyNihilist]

See? I wasn't crazy when I fell for him after all. I mean, yes, I ignored a bunch of red flags that I should never, ever have (but that's life lesson #3,456 of "always trust your gut, seriously, no joke". I would not set him up with my girlfriend, ya know?   I wasn't looking to fix him, like I was scared at the end I might have been. I just wanted to love and accept him, and I knew he had problems but so do we all, and he is self-aware and I didn't realize the extent or depth of it all, and... . well, we all know how it ended. But that's not what's important. What's important is why it began. Why it continued.

thank you for this. it's quite rare to hear this perspective often. i have the same bittersweet sentiments.

I knew I needed something from the r/s besides just his love, obviously. Even though I believed him a good person -- I still ignored things and then put up with things that no one should, and I needed to find out why. Why did I need this person and this r/s at this point in my life. What is this self-inflicted emotional destruction attempting to tell me. And then it went to what has everyone who ever truly cared about me and known me (and I include him in this, yes, because he DID see THE REAL ME when no one else did or wanted to) told me. And it's always the same things. And now it's time that I did something about that.

Because the people who care about me and have tried to help? Who have been there for me and supported me? They deserve that their concern and honest advice and support is appreciated and respected.

i'd be interested in knowing what messages you've gotten from the experience? but only if they aren't too personal to share. i'm still searching for reasons why i experienced my r/s and don't want to leave any stones unturned. while i don't know if i believe i attracted this type of person, still i wonder if there's something i'm overlooking... . in any case thanks for sharing what you have so far. how long have you been apart? (i'm 2 years out)

I'd prefer not to share any details of messages right now, other than to say that they were very incredibly helpful, encouraging, and at times challenging. However, I'm more than happy to share my own personal thought process, if it might help any. Again with the caveat that, these particular questions are what worked for ME. You have to find your own. And you will.  

I am a writer/editor by training and trade and a Stoic/Buddhist by practice. My grandfather was a rocket scientist; my father a scientist and engineer, and both very important and influential figures in my life. I am also, perhaps ironically, an experienced trauma and crisis volunteer. All that truly matters about those things, in regards to this particular process (and therefore the only reason I mention them, when they seem pretty random personal facts to disclose) is that I can ruthlessly cut down on b.s. if I get enough detachment and am very motivated to do so.

(Do I need to even say here that my exbf said often that he much preferred my "emotional girly state" to what he called my "cold logical state"?)

That being said... . here's pretty much how my thought process went. I was trying to boil down all of these very big and very important ideas and facts and perceptions into their most simple, basic truths.

1. This person had complete power over my emotions, mind, and life -- at detriment to myself.

2. Aha, but that's not entirely true! Only I have complete power over my emotions, mind, and life. I am a grounded person. I realize this logically and always have. So now what?

3. Well... . therefore, I must have either had my power taken by force or given it up willingly. Now -- which was it?

4. I'm not discounting that the power can be taken by force, it absolutely can be. But I KNOW this wasn't the case with me. I KNOW I willingly gave it up. I'm filtering here, I'm not even trying to focus on a situation or a perspective that doesn't involve ME and THIS RELATIONSHIP'S EFFECT ON ME. My question then turns to... .

5. WHY did I give up my power TO THIS PERSON?

6. And then as I began to realize my (not entirely logical but very real and valid) reasons for giving up my power to that particular person (NOT necessarily within some concept of personality disorders, although those ideas help a lot to make sense of the behavior -- but from the very real concept of who we each are and what I saw in him and what our r/s was like)... . and then I addressed those very personal reasons... . the question became... .

7. WHY DID I GIVE UP MY POWER? You know what? I actually had what I thought was a pretty damn good reason for that one. To love someone and be loved in return. (There were others too, all again very real and valid and needing to be addressed.) But, uh, if love means giving up power, then... .

9. Am I OK with that definition of love for myself? You know what... . for me, I actually am very comfortable giving up that power in a loving r/s because of certain personal needs that are no one's business but my own. That one gets less in-depth thought because this is something I have long since come to happy terms with. So I KNOW that it's not the fact that I gave up this power and then was left shattered that I'm having issues with. I'm OK with taking that risk for my idea of love, obviously. I know that I will always keep enough power of my own to walk away OK. I have figured this out already. Therefore, I must move on to the other issue of... .

10. Why will I sacrifice my own well-being for (actually several things, which have been separately dissected and addressed -- I'm sticking with the r/s part here for obvious reasons) a flawed version of my idea of love? Could it be maybe, just maybe, because... .

11. I am looking externally for things to fix what I feel is wrong with me. Well, h#ll, now I'm back on "I'm broken." Sigh. Nothing to do but press on. So... . OK, yeah, actually, that feels like the answer. But wait... . not quite. No... .

And here I got sidetracked thinking about how my doctor recently told me that my body was trying to tell me to quit smoking. (She's right, of course. BUT I'm not setting that goal anytime soon because I know that my body can take at least a few more months until I'm ready to address that very separate issue in its own way, haha.) And I thought of the very gentle but firm, concerned way she said it to me. And it stayed with me for many reasons -- but now suddenly I can apply it here. Because like your body, your SELF will TRY to tell you when it's had enough. It will TRY to get get you to take care of it before it dies. So... . HOPE! Symptoms mean an underlying issue that can be (hopefully) either managed or cured. So then my core issue to work on became... .

12. I have been engaging in self-destructive behaviors (and here I don't mean outwardly self-destructive, but rather literally the destruction of the self) to relieve symptoms that are my self's way of telling me it is sick or neglected.

And so then I just had to really look at myself and who I am and what I truly value in life and why that has been broken. Why my self has been sick and neglected, and what I can do realistically to heal it. That will be different for everyone.

I hope this helps, in some way.

[HappyNihilist]

i'm still searching for reasons why i experienced my r/s and don't want to leave any stones unturned. while i don't know if i believe i attracted this type of person, still i wonder if there's something i'm overlooking... . in any case thanks for sharing what you have so far. how long have you been apart? (i'm 2 years out)

I'm sorry; I forgot to answer you. I'm 1 month out, but we lived in different states and each traveled a lot for our jobs.

Also, and I think this is very important, I'd done a lot of hard work on myself before I met him and while I was with him. And I was able to maintain some level of distance to continue working on myself because of our situation: we did not live together, I did not financially depend on him or anyone, we have no children or even possessions together. I am very fortunate compared to many people, I know and am thankful.

[HappyNihilist]

Also... . lest anyone mistakenly think this process is in any way "pretty"... . I assure you that mine has been filled with not just emotional and mental hardship but also not much sleep and a lot of vomiting, physical pain, masturbation, sweating, crying, and lying on cold linoleum while completely wrecked and covered in my own bodily fluids. And is still ongoing, actually. I need to go vomit again.

I feel beautiful.

[Narellan]

Thankyou HN, i take so much from your posts. And even during the dark times i have actually laughed out loud at some of your comments. I totally understand your story. And it really helps to laugh, changes my mind set. Keep posting !

[HappyNihilist]

I'm so glad I could help even one other person by breaking, discovering, and saving myself. Thank you all for everything.

Here is the bottom line. The things that you are doing in your life, the things that you say when you're speaking from your heart without filter about yourself, the things that people who truly know you and see you and care about you (even if those people themselves may not fit into your life the way you think they should right now, even if those people are practically strangers in your life or the ones who brought you into this world and have known you forever and everything in between)... . THESE ARE ALL TELLING YOU VERY IMPORTANT TRUTHS ABOUT YOURSELVES. You can either take the time (and yes pain) to STOP AND TRULY LISTEN AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND THEM or not. No one else can do it for you.

They can and will help. They will support you and challenge you. They will be there with love for the REAL YOU when you find yourself. But they CANNOT DO IT FOR YOU.

Lean on them. Learn from them. LISTEN TO THEM. To what they are really saying or trying to say. And then figure yourself out for yourself, and emerge victorious.

That is the best advice I can give you. At this time, and maybe ever.

 

[Mutt]

This is from about a year ago.

I'm more proud if you than I can say [HN]. You know, sadly I know you need a somewhat realized and sadly somewhat unpredictable person like me in your life but there is only so much you can take from me. I am very happy that therapy is helpful. I really think there are time when it's necessary. Realizations you formulate after a hard examination with a different educated approach are actually what make you find strength to shake off what might be keeping you from your full amazing potential. You drop me to my knees as you are here today and in the past. I can imagine you fully realized and firing on all cylinders. You could roll right over me without even trying hahaha. That's hot!

Thank you. I love you always, you ass.

(There is not a trace of sarcasm there, by the way. I do thank him, I will always love him, and he could be an ass. Hell, he was screwing around while on the very trip he sent that email from. But he was good for me and to me in the best way he could be at the time. But not anymore. It can all be true at the same time. It's like magic.)

I'll add something HN, I read projection in that email.

I have a few thousand messages between FB and email. I keep them in case I need it for court. I have come across messages that I wanted to give to L.

I read between her lines in the emails and can see FOG, projection, all or nothing thinking etc. I don't take the words as personal anymore, because I see it for what it is. It's the disorder talking.

[HappyNihilist]

By the way, I'm not going anywhere... . I realize I may have sounded quite final in a couple of my posts. But this place has helped save me in so many ways, and of course I still need support and help, and also one of the things that helps me is trying to help others... . and so I will be here.

But my dearest hope for all of you who are struggling and in pain is this... . That one day you will be lying on your bathroom floor, covered in your own filth, your head ablaze with thoughts clicking into place, until you feel yourself glowing. And you close your eyes but you know that you are lighting up the whole room. The whole world. And you will feel more beautiful than you ever thought possible. And you will KNOW.

It doesn't "fix" anything -- there is still work to be done, and life is not easy -- but it fixes EVERYTHING.

[goldylamont]

HN thank you for your reply. I'm just going to shoot off the hip a bit about where I'm at as i feel the thread has a free flowing self discovery type of feel to it. First of all, at just 1 month out i know how tough it is. I'm fortunate i didn't suffer from vomiting, but i must have lost 8-10 pounds during that time and i don't weigh enough to lose that kind of weight

for me my biggest challenge now is realizing that i'm on my own now in this part of recovery. not to say that i'm alone--i have truly great friends, love my family and life. what i mean is that there is still a (smaller) part of me with cloudy attachments to the past. my ruminations now are less frequent and much much less powerful, yet this makes it harder to catch myself in the act and figure out what to do about it. there's just a lot of things that still annoy me and i'm tired of being annoyed by it. i've come a very long ways though, i'm very thankful for where i'm at. some of my recovery was made harder when my ex, a year after our breakup, moved back onto my block just a few houses down. this affected me even more, just brought up a lot of anger and spite. i changed my locks just to be safe--i wasn't really worried about her breaking in but then again i wasn't going to leave any possibilities open. i had 2 acts of vandalism occur to my car after we broke up within 8 months but never had an issue for 2 years when we were living together here. so i would document and take pictures of her car when she would park literally right in front of my house behind my car. she finally stopped doing this after several months and since then i've been able to calm down. there was just always this dark energy a few houses down that would get to me from time to time.

over the past few months though i started getting to know some of my neighbors who live between us, we hang out all the time now and have a blast. i'm more part of my immediate community as new people move in and so blessed that this isn't spoiled. and somehow for more than a year i've avoided seeing my ex other than crossing paths briefly from afar and we can ignore each other. i'm more confident about any reaction i may have when we finally do run into each other. i see her now more as a funny freak than anyone who can hurt me. yet all of this still leaves me with needing to do the rest of the processing to shovel the rest of the poo she dumped in my psyche  i really feel like these r/s get into your dna, then it's left up to you to unravel and put things back together.

in a way i feel like her being so close is a test by the gods of my warrior spirit as i'm always forced to stay vigilant. so i just accept it for what it is. like you HN i'm still better off than many here as i don't have any real ties to my ex anymore... . so now i know it's all up to me. and i'm fine with this. but i do struggle sometimes, i want the whole enchilada, i want complete freedom with a hearty serving of who cares wrapped in a fat burrito with none of the "f98k off" sauce to spoil it. i have noticed a fog of misty compassion seeping in here and there which i'm happy about. i miss my dog, sometimes i wonder if it's him barking over there. when i see her i want zero anger and not an ounce of fakeness coming from me. don't want to fake like i like her don't want to fake like i don't hate her. i want not to have to. what i want is presence. undeniable presence that everything is just fine the way it is. and i think that's where all the answers will be is in the strength of my own presence, relaxed but strong, peaceful but ready to pounce.

sorry to drift so much but really this is the best i could do right now. if i had to pick two words to describe my emotions about it they are abstract and annoying :-) thanks for listening

[HappyNihilist]

HN thank you for your reply. I'm just going to shoot off the hip a bit about where I'm at as i feel the thread has a free flowing self discovery type of feel to it.

Yes! Please! I'm delighted that you want to join in here. 

for me my biggest challenge now is realizing that i'm on my own now in this part of recovery. not to say that i'm alone--i have truly great friends, love my family and life. what i mean is that there is still a (smaller) part of me with cloudy attachments to the past. my ruminations now are less frequent and much much less powerful, yet this makes it harder to catch myself in the act and figure out what to do about it. there's just a lot of things that still annoy me and i'm tired of being annoyed by it. i've come a very long ways though, i'm very thankful for where i'm at.

You are in an amazing place with yourself, and I'm so happy for you that you have a fabulous support system to lean on.

You're absolutely right, though. The big part is something that you can only do on your own. You are doing everything right -- trying to catch yourself when you're ruminating and focus on your present mindset. Ensuring that YOUR well-being is the priority. Taking care of yourself.

I have cried several times today alone in pain over the loss of my r/s. But it's a very different type of pain and crying than I was doing before. It feels like a much more natural, real, genuine grief for something that was beautiful (in its own way, and certainly NOT all the time) and a major part of my life... . rather than some foggy, confused, irritating, sick-feeling pain. It feels like healing.

over the past few months though i started getting to know some of my neighbors who live between us, we hang out all the time now and have a blast. i'm more part of my immediate community as new people move in and so blessed that this isn't spoiled.

I love this! This is awesome. 

and somehow for more than a year i've avoided seeing my ex other than crossing paths briefly from afar and we can ignore each other. i'm more confident about any reaction i may have when we finally do run into each other. i see her now more as a funny freak than anyone who can hurt me. yet all of this still leaves me with needing to do the rest of the processing to shovel the rest of the poo she dumped in my psyche  i really feel like these r/s get into your dna, then it's left up to you to unravel and put things back together.

in a way i feel like her being so close is a test by the gods of my warrior spirit as i'm always forced to stay vigilant. so i just accept it for what it is.

It's wonderful that you've been able to ignore your ex, and feel confident about yourself in case you do have to interact with her. Your realization of who she is TO YOU is very important.

But yes, I completely understand the need to process and rid your very self of the toxins that the r/s has left there. You have the warrior spirit to do it. You truly do. You are very strong, self-aware, thoughtful, and kind. You will get there, and when you do... . well, you will feel it and know without doubt that you are.

and i'm fine with this. but i do struggle sometimes, i want the whole enchilada, i want complete freedom with a hearty serving of who cares wrapped in a fat burrito with none of the "f98k off" sauce to spoil it. i have noticed a fog of misty compassion seeping in here and there which i'm happy about.

I love that description so much. So much.  And I'm glad your compassion is coming back now in a healthy way. I had to drop mine at times to get through this, too. The great news is that, when it's part of who you are, it will always still be there waiting for you.

what i want is presence. undeniable presence that everything is just fine the way it is. and i think that's where all the answers will be is in the strength of my own presence, relaxed but strong, peaceful but ready to pounce.

Yes. This. It is amazing, and you will get there, and you will f#cking LOVE IT. 

sorry to drift so much but really this is the best i could do right now. if i had to pick two words to describe my emotions about it they are abstract and annoying :-) thanks for listening

Never apologize for expressing yourself in a way that helps you process! THANK YOU for sharing this.

I understand the "abstract and annoying" feeling. I was right there with you. It will click into focus soon for you.

[HappyNihilist]

Thankyou HN, i take so much from your posts. And even during the dark times i have actually laughed out loud at some of your comments. I totally understand your story. And it really helps to laugh, changes my mind set. Keep posting !

Thank YOU, Narellan! I'm just grateful I could provide some help and laughter to you. You deserve to laugh! You're a lovely person who's been through absolute hell. I am giving you a big hug through the reaches of cyberspace! 

Yes, laughter is very important for a healthy mindset. And I laugh at/with myself all the time.