Smearing stops, chosen replacement in same community, that's why it's stopped

[falconfree28]

I'm now at 7 weeks-ish (a few days here or there) NC since the breakup with exBPDgf.

If you've read my posts, you're aware we share the same community for our hobby, and I've managed to ignore her with ease (I'm not finding the breakup difficult) when I do go to events that she attends, but she went on a massive smear campaign, which used to fluctuate depending on what mood she was in.

It appears the smears blew up in her face as I never said anything and stuck to my word and everyone came to my aid or never took sides and asked if I was alright, I'm wondering if this community knows something I don't? (she's been in it a lot longer than me)

... . then all of a sudden the smearing has stopped, I'm hearing or reading nothing, then I spot a picture of her and a guy and I have a gut feeling he's the replacement and she is now putting on the mask for him, and my gut was correct, they're seeing each other this week. She had another one she was stringing along but that maybe for attention.

I wondered why both these guys acted strange towards me at these community events, it's a pity they're both pretty good blokes.

That's brought up a mixture of emotions that I wasn't expecting, more feeling sorry for the other guys than anything else, having now read so much here and everywhere, I know that her inner turmoil must be quite high, her behavior has been very erratic, I know she couldn't care less about the breakup - but you've got to pity the way she is - and so her cycle begins again.

WOW! What I suppose just typing this has just literally made me realize that I'm not part of that mad merry-go-round anymore, it's there turn to the take the ride, I can do nothing to help her or him (or the other poor guy being dragged along in the "friends zone" - that feels good, who knows that typing about it would allow me to move forward a little bit more.

Thanks for reading, I never knew typing this out would help me process my emotions and feelings.

[Pecator]

Falcon,

Just to let you know, your typing is not just helpful for you. Your strength and sense of freedom helping me to make some very tuff and final decisions. Your story is inspirational.

Thanks for sharing

[Mutt]

I think you nailed it when you said it's not your turn on the mad merry-go-round anymore.

Would you of been influenced if someone told you, when you were together?

The pattern will repeat, take this chance to work on you.

I know what my replacement is in for, but it's none of my business anymore what goes on between ex and him.

[falconfree28]

Such kind words Pecato, if my posts help this community then all the better, whatever you're facing may seem tough, but a kick in the gut now (and yes it does hurt) will feel a lot better later on.

Take mind I've done a lot of inner work (prior to meeting my exBPDgf) and took counselling during the relationship (I think this is what gave me the strength to make my decisions on the relationship)

At the beginning Mutt, I had some red flags but would've rationalized them, further down the line I would've agreed and it would've influenced me.

I'm using this as a great healing experience, I've come further within myself than I ever have before, your right Mutt, it's tough letting go and that's the next step.

[Mutt]

You make another good point falconfree28: rationalizing.

I rationalized so many crazy behaviors, from small stuff to the big stuff. You don't realize what you were doing, crazy-making behavior, rationalizing, passive aggression, until you are out and not stuck.

I look back, 4 years ago I was going to court for dv charges, after she bit me. I rationalized it with being in love with her, we have kids together, I don't want to split the family, etc. I should have ended things right then, but it is what it is.

I try to not avoid or distort my own feelings now, whereas before, I was hanging on tight to that mad merry-go-round.

[falconfree28]

Mutt, it's sad to see that you have bring children through this horrible journey and a history of all the other behaviours, doesn't sound nice at all, luckily we only share a hobby but the community is small, as I mentioned, I ignore her at community events.

I'm on Stage 3 to 4, I'm processing a lot of stuff and working through why I chose, what drives me and through my counselling I've identified what had driven me to choose such a woman, strangely enough my reflections happen better once I've interacted on here - I went to sleep very happy last night.

Ignoring hasn't done me any favors but I won't point fingers saying this or that (I know dumping her made her "feel" abandoned, "feel" really inadequate, made her already low self esteem "feel" even worse) so I'm a drama queen, who storms around and is making her life hell - these smears are how she self-soothes, making her feelings change the facts so I look like the enemy, the ___ who manipulated her - the irony is she continues to turn up at all the events I attend.

I can't change that behaviour or how she feels and that's what I tried to do whilst in the relationship - I'll be honest I didn't experience love for her during the relationship as something always felt off.

What's helped is the Stop Walking on Eggshells book (recommended here) and it's allowed me to approach my whole life a lot differently, apply myself in different ways and move forward, I feel now more like a rebuilt man and that's great.

I sincerely hope my posts can help everyone and thanks for sharing your experiences, I expect many men may feel alone out there and it's considered "wussy" or "talk about how we feel" - I was told once compassion is one of the most masculine traits a man could have. Everyones sharing has helped me, let it continue.