Here I am again - Round II

[Depression = 72% of members]

After the first breakup I went through hell.  I couldn't eat.  I couldn't sleep.  All I did was cry.  I had to take medication to make it through the day.  Went into therapy.  Shocked and scared about how badly I was taking it.  Learned a lot about my self through therapy.  Why I stayed and why I was so devastated.  That and this board saved my life.  The thing I didn't do was NC.  There wasn't a week that went by that we didn't communicate.  At first initiated by me.  Sobbing mess that I was.  Completely humiliated.

I went back to him.  Five months later.  He promised me the world.  He promised DBT and support groups and you name it.  He said he had never loved anyone like me in his life.  He was completely determined and committed to doing whatever it took to make it work.  He begged me not to give up on him.  He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  He would never hurt me or take me for granted again.  He knew how high the stakes were.  He knew how bad it was to lose me.  My therapist (who I am longer seeing due to $$$) told me he wouldn't change.  Couldn't change.  My friends and family made it very clear if I got involved with them I was on my own.  They didn't want to hear anything about it.  My brother said this you and he against the world thing is going to really suck when it's just you.  But I went back.  I thought he really meant it.  I thought I was "special"... . hah.  I believed all of it.  A couple of months in the devaluing started.  (He never did start therapy or support groups.)  I used all the communication techniques I learned on this board.  I understood a lot of it was coming from his insecurities.  (Anything else in my life; my child, my job, my friends were a threat to him.)  But he knew me better this time.  I shared with him what I learned in therapy.  And he went for the jugular.  The rages started.  The crazy alcohol fueled rages.  And finally a couple of weeks ago he was so abusive I said I was done.  (Exactly what happened last time by the way... . it's the way he orchestrates break ups.)  The next day I called... . to see if we could salvage things.  He wouldn't talk to me.  I let him have it.  I never did that the first time.  I did it this time. 

It was a couple of weeks ago and I am such a freaking mess.  Worse than last time because I really let myself believe in him and our relationship.  I thought this was it.  I didn't post because I was embarrassed.  (I am so embarrassed that i let myself get here again.)  I had stayed away from this board after we got back together because it scared me.  The realities here.  The pain here.  Couldn't even deal with the staying board.  I was in denial.  Feeling guilty about it because so many people helped me and I should now be helping them.  (He told me I was a selfish b___... . guess in some sense he's right.)  And now I'm back because I have no where else to turn.  I feel like I'm falling off a cliff.  I haven't even told anyone.  I can't yet.  And I certainly can't ask them for support.  I have never felt so alone, scared or depressed in my life. 

[Emelie Emelie]

After the first breakup I went through hell.  I couldn't eat.  I couldn't sleep.  All I did was cry.  I had to take medication to make it through the day.  Went into therapy.  Shocked and scared about how badly I was taking it.  Learned a lot about my self through therapy.  Why I stayed and why I was so devastated.  That and this board saved my life.  The thing I didn't do was NC.  There wasn't a week that went by that we didn't communicate.  At first initiated by me.  Sobbing mess that I was.  Completely humiliated.

I went back to him.  Five months later.  He promised me the world.  He promised DBT and support groups and you name it.  He said he had never loved anyone like me in his life.  He was completely determined and committed to doing whatever it took to make it work.  He begged me not to give up on him.  He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  He would never hurt me or take me for granted again.  He knew how high the stakes were.  He knew how bad it was to lose me.  My therapist (who I am longer seeing due to $$$) told me he wouldn't change.  Couldn't change.  My friends and family made it very clear if I got involved with them I was on my own.  They didn't want to hear anything about it.  My brother said this you and he against the world thing is going to really suck when it's just you.  But I went back.  I thought he really meant it.  I thought I was "special"... . hah.  I believed all of it.  A couple of months in the devaluing started.  (He never did start therapy or support groups.)  I used all the communication techniques I learned on this board.  I understood a lot of it was coming from his insecurities.  (Anything else in my life; my child, my job, my friends were a threat to him.)  But he knew me better this time.  I shared with him what I learned in therapy.  And he went for the jugular.  The rages started.  The crazy alcohol fueled rages.  And finally a couple of weeks ago he was so abusive I said I was done.  (Exactly what happened last time by the way... . it's the way he orchestrates break ups.)  The next day I called... . to see if we could salvage things.  He wouldn't talk to me.  I let him have it.  I never did that the first time.  I did it this time. 

It was a couple of weeks ago and I am such a freaking mess.  Worse than last time because I really let myself believe in him and our relationship.  I thought this was it.  I didn't post because I was embarrassed.  (I am so embarrassed that i let myself get here again.)  I had stayed away from this board after we got back together because it scared me.  The realities here.  The pain here.  Couldn't even deal with the staying board.  I was in denial.  Feeling guilty about it because so many people helped me and I should now be helping them.  (He told me I was a selfish b___... . guess in some sense he's right.)  And now I'm back because I have no where else to turn.  I feel like I'm falling off a cliff.  I haven't even told anyone.  I can't yet.  And I certainly can't ask them for support.  I have never felt so alone, scared or depressed in my life. 

[LettingGo14]

Emelie Emelie -- You came back to the right place.  You are not alone, but it's okay to be scared and depressed.   We put one foot in front of another, and sometimes we take two steps back.

Start where you are.  That's what someone told me when I was lost and confused. 

And, be kind to yourself.  That's another starting place.

We don't need to change the past anymore.  We are here working to detach, because "detachment leads to freedom."   You note you have a child, a job, and friends.   These are things to hold with gratitude -- but most of all, please be gentle with yourself.

All is not lost.  We all begin somewhere.  We're here for you.

[wrigley52]

Emilie Emilie

Don't beat yourself up! Its easy to do you love them and want to believe... . they just don't have them in them to love us... . we are all here for you! I have a friend who is believing her BPD is going to change and it aint gonna happen, but she thinks he loves her too... . I was his fianace and took her under my wing when it came crashing down. She was actually the other women, and I forgave her when I found out all he did to her. He told her he as sorry and would change. I got angry she knows the truth about him and his lies and went back for more. He has some severe problems with lying cheating and stealing... . she thinks she needs to forgive him because that is what God would want her to do. He wont change I know it and we all know it. Hang in there we think love will conquer all but with BPD it cant!

Wrigley 52

[Mutt]

It was a couple of weeks ago and I am such a freaking mess.  Worse than last time because I really let myself believe in him and our relationship.  I thought this was it.  I didn't post because I was embarrassed.  (I am so embarrassed that i let myself get here again.)

Don't be embarrassed or hard on yourself. People come and go for different reasons. It's intended to be a support group, people helping each other. Not judgement.

Having said that, I understand that you don't have the means for a T. I'm in Canada, I'm not sure how it works in the US. I could go to Catholic Social Services here and get subsidized therapy. Is there something like that where you are?

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks Mutt... . I really appreciate it.  I'm not seeing my T.  Honestly couldn't afford it anymore.  I  just feel like my life is over.  The relationship part of my life.  I know there are many other things that can bring you joy in life... . but I can't find them right now.  I just wanted to love and be loved.  Love him and be loved by him.  I can't survive this again.  I know he's sick... . but I just can't believe he did this to me again.  Or more accurately that I did it to myself.  Sorry... . I'm a sobbing mess.  Everyone thinks I'm spending Easter with him.  How pathetic is that?

[Emelie Emelie]

And no... . not for me.  I make a decent income but therapy was just too expensive. 

[Mutt]

I pined for me ex during lonely times as well. I'm still lonely.

It's difficult to see enjoyment out of life when you are feeling down and depressed. Have you been feeling like this for 2 weeks or more? Do you think seeing a doctor would help for depression?

[winston72]

Hey Emelie Emelie!  I was pleased to see your name on the board, having enjoyed your posts and wondering how you were doing.  I am sorry for the occasion of your return, but still glad to hear from you!

Ah, this is a funny community.  "Friendships" develop (what should they be called?) even though all of us are anonymous.  Yet, we do share such deep and tender things with one another.

My heart goes out to you.  I am so sorry for your pain and anguish.  Thank you for returning and sharing your story.  Of course you know that the very act of communicating so candidly with the community here is what helps all of us the most.  Indeed, you have fulfilled that goal by being so open.

I care not to count how many times I took the same course that you describe.  It is so, so painful to go back to the source of pain while knowing it is such a strong possibility. But, even in the light of all the issues that drive us in these relationships, there is also the possibility, if ever so slight, that such a dream can be fulfilled.  It is terrible when it does not come true... . and in fact is a nightmare.

Take some time, lick your wounds, tell others when you are ready.  It might be too early, but the saying on the right side of this screen, "Attachment Leads to Suffering, Detachment Leads to Freedom" might be applicable to you with this person.  It took me a couple of years before I really believed this for me... . probably more than a couple... . but when I did fully realize it, then the steps below really did deliver me to a new and better day to day existence.  

Nice to hear from you again.

[willtimeheal]

Emelie,

I am sorry for your situation and your pain. Don't ever be embarrassed for believing in someone and for believing in love. If shows that you are capable of love... . giving and receiving. Give yourself a break. Don't be afraid to reach out to others for support (when you are ready). The people that love and care for you will understand... . they told you you were on your own if you went back because they love and were scared for you. Have faith in that support. A piece of advice my therapist gave me and I hold it very closely when dealing with my BPD, whether the relationship is good or bad. My therapist said... . ":)on't ever forget who you're dealing with."

Seven simple words that I hold close and those words go through my mind whenever I am dealing with my BPD. Helps keep it all in perspective. Hang in there.

[diega]

After the first breakup I went through hell  Couldn't even deal with the staying board.  I was in denial.  Feeling guilty about it because so many people helped me and I should now be helping them.  (He told me I was a selfish b___... . guess in some sense he's right.)  And now I'm back because I have no where else to turn.  I feel like I'm falling off a cliff.  I haven't even told anyone.  I can't yet.  And I certainly can't ask them for support.  I have never felt so alone, scared or depressed in my life. 

you're not a selfish b___. what he did even has its own special name here 'charming'.  so it's really hard to resist. it's normal.  most of us have gone back a number of times beofre the final nc.  i probably would still be talking to mine if he hadn't gone and gotten married.  so it's not you.  it's normal to go back a few times before total nc.  

[Emelie Emelie]

It's difficult to see enjoyment out of life when you are feeling down and depressed. Have you been feeling like this for 2 weeks or more? Do you think seeing a doctor would help for depression?

Yes.  Here's how dumb I am.  Last time I went to my Doctor a total freaking wreck.  She put me on Ativan.  It helped get me through.  She was also very familiar with BPD.  She told me I would get through it... . but I had to get through... . this guy would only cause me heartbreak and misery.  I had to go in for my annual physical a couple of months ago.  She asked how I was doing... . I said well.  She said I'm so glad to hear... . anyone new?  I said no.  So I kind of lied by omission.  I'm way too embarrassed to go back to her for help. 

I'm pretty high functioning in most areas of my life except this one.  I am also terrified of abandonment.  I feel crazy and desperate.  I can't get a grip.  I totally embarrassed myself in front of my co-workers last time.  Crying at the office etc.  (And I'm the boss.)  I do have to deal with this one on my own.  But I don't want to.  I just don't want to deal with anything.  My daughter is going off to college in a few months and I just see long, lonely years stretching ahead of me.  I dated a couple of really nice guys after the last breakup.  They just weren't "him".  I can't even explain it.  Someone on this board said to me re their BPD that it was like they were living in B&W and he was color.  That's it exactly.   I'm not suicidal... . I have a daughter... . but I just want it all to end.

[Emelie Emelie]

And you people are amazing.  Thank you. 

[willy45]

Hey Emelie,

Don't beat yourself up. I don't think there is anyone on this board that wouldn't have fallen for it. Seriously. If my ex said the same thing. I would have jumped hook line and sinker. Look at the most crucial and important thing now. You are out. It's going to suck. Trust me. I know. But you will survive and, if you do the right things, thrive. Nobody deserves to be abused. And we all understand the dynamic. So don't feel bad about being in the spot you are in.

[willy45]

Oops... . Technical failure... .

Anyhow, you are out. Focus on staying out. It's going to be sh#t for a while, but that will stop too. The only way you won't get better is if you go back. No matter how terrible I feel, I just tell myself 'You are out'. That's all that matters right now. Everything else will fall into place. Your friends and family will understand. No honest with them. Explain to them that you were in an abusive relationship and that your symptoms and behaviors are very common. You aren't alone. You are dealing with something that bothers haven't. We all understand. I know I was programmed to see the best in everyone. And that isn't something I'm willing to give up on. But, I have also learned that I need to take care of myself too. And while people might not be malicious, there are some really F'd up people out there and that is not my problem. Learning to live yourself means surrounding yourself with people who love you, people you can trust, people who won't hurt you. Do that. For now though, you are out and focus on that. Don't be embarrassed. Be proud. It could have been Way, Way worse. Good for you for taking a stand and doing what you needed to do to get away from this crazy lunatic.

[patientandclear]

Hey Em  

I'll send you more elsewhere, but wanted to say two, no three things here

First, it's true that by posting this account you are helping others.  As you know, yours truly and others beat ourselves up over the road not taken -- what if I'd tried again?  And it does help to gain the gradual certainty that this disorder doesn't yield to good intentions, or desperately strong love, or good boundaries, or ... . anything.  We can only be sure of that if we listen to others' experiences.  So you are helping by sharing.

Two, there's a lot of guilt in your post.  Whoever posted above that your friends and family WILL help you, and DO want to be asked, even though they said otherwise ahead of time, is right.  They said that to try to dissuade you.  It's extremely unlikely that they'll leave you out in the cold now that they were proven right, in their view.  They love you (it's clear from many of your posts) and they would want you to tell them.

I finally left a very abusive marriage (not with the man wBPD who brought me here) when my then-H attacked me in a drunken rage in front of my extended family at Christmas.  I first thing I yelled when I was calling my family for help in the midst of the attack was "I'm getting a divorce!" because I was so horrified that they might think I would go back to this guy again like I'd done so many times before.  So I've felt that same guilt and embarrassment.  Fact is, while they'd given me grief for going back before, they were only too glad to back me up again, and were SO glad to realize I really meant it about the divorce.

Third, the point made above that most of us would have pursued a reunion had we heard what you heard from your ex, is spot on.  I knew your story at the time and often compared it to what my ex was NOT saying, the efforts he was NOT making.  And I know to a moral certainty that I would have tried again had I heard from my ex what you did.  In fact, I would try today if I heard from him what you did.  (So it would be good if I don't.)

People are not wired to be so cold as to turn away someone we love who is begging to be believed in and saying plausible things about the way forward.  I think sometimes, we just have to play it out.  You couldn't be sure that wouldn't work until you tried it, and if you hadn't, I think you'd have berated yourself for the rest of your life for letting him go.  In the end, being sure, the way you may now allow yourself to be sure, is going to help.

You did a completely reasonable thing and now you need some help in mending the wounds.  I'm so sorry it played out this way, but I'm certain you'd be agonizing over this had you not found out for yourself what would happen if you & he went "all in."



P&C

[vegasbaby]

Don't be too hard on yourself you did what any caring person would you gave someone yoy love a chance the fact they are abusive&toxic hasn't truly hit home yet, we all have our breaking points & yoy needed to get back on the treadmill again to hit yours.  Separating the reality of how mentally ill the person you are with from the we of lies&fantasy relationship they created to keep you under their control is the hardest untangling emotional&mental job your ever gonna go through, rule of thumb if someones actions don't match their words, believe the actions. People show you who they are & what they think of you.  Im nearly two years away from my BPD person&am doing great i just wish id let go sooner.  Talk to your family&friends they genunely care&want whats best for you. Make good use of the  support.  Your only human don't punish yourself for being good natured&kind

[Changingman]

Come on Emelie,

You know from these boards that total destruction is the end game of these RSs. The humiliation is the only thing left for me to deal with, I read about empathy and BPD and You and I know that is a zero sum game for them. I found this THE most disgusting RS of my life including my mother and x wife ( I realise now both had BPD ). The shame she has buried in her is extraordinary, even taking just our RS. She made the stakes so high, her drop is so much, she will never again be able to convince herself of being 'good' or 'white'.

They abuse you physically, emotionally, financially, kill your dog, **** your best friend.

You my dear will pick yourself up and start taking small steps to recovery, do not let someone else turn you into demon.

Love to you, be strong, be kind to yourself.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hey Em,

I'm very glad you're here sharing, very sorry for the reason though.  I would have (still now even?) have done exactly as you did.  If everyone here is honest, we ALL wish to have our former pwBPD come to us and say those words.  In the end though, the illness takes over and we come back to "face the facts". Also? I got the same thing from my own family, and they are right here for me now as my journey getting past this toxic relationship moves on.

Please go easy on yourself, post, cry, whatever you need to get all of this out of your system.

(())

CiF

[janey62]

I'm pretty high functioning in most areas of my life except this one.  I am also terrified of abandonment.  I feel crazy and desperate.  I can't get a grip.  I totally embarrassed myself in front of my co-workers last time.  Crying at the office etc.  (And I'm the boss.)  I do have to deal with this one on my own.  But I don't want to.  I just don't want to deal with anything.  My daughter is going off to college in a few months and I just see long, lonely years stretching ahead of me.  I dated a couple of really nice guys after the last breakup.  They just weren't "him".  I can't even explain it.  Someone on this board said to me re their BPD that it was like they were living in B&W and he was color.  That's it exactly.   I'm not suicidal... . I have a daughter... . but I just want it all to end.

Hi Emelie Emelie,

Two things you say here really struck me.  Firstly, I was also high functioning when I met my BPDex.  I was in a good place, feeling positive and thinking I'd done a lot of work on myself and that the next relationship I had was going to be healthier because of this.  How wrong was I?  I can really relate to you on this.  I am so sorted in all other areas of my life, but always, up to now, have found myself in similar situations. 

The other thing is, the fact that they are so special, so magnetic, the best lover, friend and bring the colour to our lives has plagued me too... . I think though from things I've read here I've figured it out.  They mirror us.  We long for this perfect love because we are lonely at the core and when they come along, all empty and incapable of really loving they see this perfect fantasy love that we glow with and they mirror it back to us... . so what we get from them in the beginning, the thing which hooks us so completely, is just a mirror image of ourselves and the kind of love we hope for.

Thank you so much for your post.  I have agonised about going  NC with my ex and haven't quite managed it yet, but what you've shared here has finally convinced me that I'm playing a dangerous game.  He often tells me he misses me, that I am his only love, that he is getting help, getting better and I have so far resisted his pleas to have him back.  But I know that there are some days when I'm feeling low or lonely and if he happened to contact me on one of those days, who know?  So thank you, I am now resolved to go NC.

Please don't feel ashamed!  You tried and it didn't work out, that's all.  No-one who hasn't got BPD can really be blamed for misinterpreting their signs because they are master manipulators. 

I've felt lost, desperate and like giving up like you but what I've done is what someone else here suggested, just stand still.  It will pass, all things do.  In time you will feel better and you will love again.  I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will.

This is a gift actually because if you allow yourself to you can grow from this and learn how to have the love you crave without all this hurt. 

Sending you a big hug 

Be strong and it will pass.

Janey xx