New to group - in need of some advice

[bloodmoon]

Hello, I discovered BPD as a condition only this week - a friend who new i was going through some family trauma lent me the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' after i told her a little about my family background.  I am 28 years old, have lived away from home for 10 and return there as rarely as I can possibly get away with.  I am terrified of my mother, and have frequently sworn I hate her for her treatment of my father (and of my brother and I when we lived at home).  I feel like she is a stranger to me. For years I accepted her behaviour as normal - that we must have behaved badly and deserved a telling off.  The fact that she would shout and stamp her feet when annoyed, and my dad would cower in the corner and try his hardest not to retaliate for fear of further outrage and temper tantrums, was a normal family dynamic.  A normal weekend.  More recently I've thought she must have anger management issues, and have suggested she gets treatment for it.  She even agreed once, but nothing ever came of it.  The worst part for me is how it has affected my Dad.  I'm sure he's always had depressive tendencies (I have them too - it's genetic, isn't it?) but the symptoms have been made so much worse by years of emotional abuse and he has now been diagnosed by his doctor as being in the full throws of a nervous breakdown.  One week ago today he left her.  My mum was so beside herself when he left - she desperately wanted to know where he was and if he was coming back.  Said she was so worried about him, how she would get counselling to learn better how to cope living with someone with depression.  She is in complete denial that it might actually be her behaviour that has made him so unwell.  And what did she do when he returned? Yell and scream at him, he's useless in every way, he's ruined her life etc etc.  This is not the behaviour of a normal sane person, is it? To treat a healthy, mentally stable person this way is unacceptable, but to do it to someone in his condition is inhumane.  I need to get him out of this situation ASAP, but I feel so helpless.  I scared to talk to my mum, to go home, but I feel like some kind of intervention is necessary.  I don't feel mentally strong or well enough to do it myself ... . I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack, dosing myself up with valium, beta-blockers, codeine and of course alcohol.  I know that's unhelpful, but I can't bear this emotional pain. I feel so helpless. Any advice right now would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you so much.

[free-n-clear]

 

                     Hi, bloodmoon. I'm sorry to hear that you and your Dad have had to go through this. I'm glad you've found this site, though, because the support and information you'll find here will help you heal, and through you it will also help your Dad. For your situation, the best board to post and read is the 'Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent' board. Here's a link that will take you straight there:

                             https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0

   

       The senior members there can offer much in the way of support, ideas, and encouragement as you learn and heal. You're among friends here.    Once again, Welcome!

[coraliesolange]

I'm sorry you're going through this   It sounds really tough.  It's hard to figure out how to help someone when doing so puts you in a position to be hurt yourself.  Do you have any close family friends that you could ask to intervene? 

[clljhns]

Hi bloodmoon,

I am so sorry to hear about this painful situation. I want you to know that you are definitely not alone and there are many here who have experienced similar situations.

Do you have a therapist that can help you sort through this? If not, then please see if there is one that understands the impact of a BPD parent. I know how important your dad's well-being is to you, but you need to focus on getting the help you need so that you can provide the support your dad will need.

It was very brave of you to admit the use of alcohol and pain killers to ease and cope with your pain. It is not uncommon to turn to these things to escape the pain we are experiencing. Kudos to you for recognizing that this will not help you!

I think you should also recognize that your dad is an adult and you are the child. It sounds like you want to rescue your dad, as if he is incapable of taking care of himself. While this may partly true, read the article about codependency to help give you some insight into your dad and your own need to rescue.

I wish you much insight and support at this most difficult time in your life.

PS. Once you get rid of the alcohol and pain killers, you will be able to face this situation with a clear head. Also explore local AA support groups. Often you will find that these people can relate to what you are experiencing.

[Ziggiddy]

You poor poor thing. What a terrible situation to be in. I can relate to so much of your anguish and feelings of impotence and rage. My situation has been very similar to yours in many respects. When my father (who has terrible abandonment problems of his own) left my mother for the second time I was gutted at the breakup of the family unit but also relieved for him to not be undergoing the constant domination and self esteem sapping blows. He ended up going back to her and is making very minor attempts to own some of his own space (in amongst the cluttered hoard) and activities (not dropping everything at her orders) but in the end I had to accept this - he is in her thrall and somehow something in him accepts that this is his situation - his choice.

As difficult as it may be to accept, it is your father's choice to go back. This doesn't mean you are powerless though. You no doubt wish to help him but he may be unable to accept your help.

clljhns is completely correct IMO that you need to care for yourself and be well and safe first.

Your mother may never admit to causing him pain or grief or exacerbating his depression - this seems to be the nature of BPD to feels entitled and that the everyone owes her.

Your own pain needs to be addressed first though. Possibly getting in touch with Al Anon (even though it is for friends and family of alcoholics the principles of self enablement are very useful)

I wish you every success and have to tell you to be kind to yourself. It's not your fault how your parents dynamic works.

[bloodmoon]

I am so grateful and overwhelmed by these responses, I know it’s a cliché but I had never imagined there were other offspring out there experiencing the same bizarre and toxic family dynamic as me!

With regards to asking a friend or relative to intervene... . well there are a few people already involved, but I feel guilty putting this responsibility on them.  Especially when they’re already being so caring and supportive.  I was thinking of calling my parents' GP – I know they’re both seeing her this week, but I’m worried she will only recognise Dad’s illness.  

I have seen a number of councillors myself over the years who have tried to work through my parental issues … the main focus being on the unsuccessful long term relationships I’ve had with recurring intimacy issues.  Not one of them has ever mentioned BPD, or something else I’ve come across today -  ‘Cluster B pd parents’. Maybe these are still fairly unheard of concepts?  Most recently I have been having acupuncture to try and address my depression, anxiety and intimacy issues, and although I think it’s helped me feel better on a day to day basis, I’m not sure it’s really getting to the crux of the matter.  

Clljhns - Where can I find the article on codepency?

My acupuncturist is very good at keeping my alcohol intake in check … I admit I have developed a strong dependency on it over the years, but he has made me cut it out for periods which has been hard but not impossible – I guess that means I’m not quite an alcohol yet? ☺  I saw him today and he kindly advised I take two nights off it this week, but to allow myself a couple of glasses the other nights if need be and then a period of complete abstinence will be suggested once I’m through this particularly difficult period.


Thank you all so much xxx

[bloodmoon]

And on a side note to Ziggiddy ... . Wow, I can’t quite believe how similar your situation is – the part where you say “He ended up going back to her and is making very minor attempts to own some of his own space (in amongst the cluttered hoard) and activities (not dropping everything at her orders)” really struck a chord.  My mum is most definitely a hoarder – not in the unhygienic, piles of rubbish way but one of the reasons I hate going back there so much is that it feels so claustrophobic.  Every room is so jam packed with unnecessary furniture you can’t turn around without banging into something, and yet she buys more and more… while my Dad seems to quietly whittle his own belongs down to fit into a small box … and anything he does own, she claims ownership to. And when she goes for dinner with her (female) friends she makes him go too … like she needs to show them how well he dances to attendance!

Anyway, I could go on …. You are right, for whatever reason, he has chosen this relationship and to go back to it.  Sometimes I think he is unconsciously (or deliberately?) making things worse for himself, due to some weird need to be a martyr ... . I only hope they can find some kind of happiness soon - together or apart - because I am just about at saturation point for their misery and will have to remove myself all together.

So lovely to hear from you, take care xxx

[clljhns]

bloodmoon,

The article on codependency can be found on this site. Check out the suggested reading that corresponds to this particular site L5. I am sorry that I am not savvy enough to copy the link for you, but I found it here. Also, I think you should also check out the article on how a BPD mother affects her children. There is also an article on the enabling parent (sounds like could be your dad). Lots of good resources here! So glad that you are taking steps to get help for yourself. Think of it as an artist who has his hands tied behind his back. How can he paint a beautiful picture until he loosens the ties that bind him? Metaphorically I am trying to illustrate that you need the tools to create healthy boundaries with your parents in order to provide the best support to them.

Best of luck!

[bloodmoon]

Clljhns, That is such a lovely metaphor, thank you ... . I will find and read those articles - they sound very insightful and will hopefully offer useful starting points for discussion with my therapist on Wednesday. Good night x

[Ziggiddy]

bloodmoon,

Firstly congratulations on taking steps to see someone who is qualified to help you. And also for recognising that things with your father are not maybe as they should be. It's hard to do.

There are many things you have said that are very interesting to me but I will focus on the alcohol issue.

I had terrible trouble with alcohol as well as other dependencies but alcohol was the worst. I began drinking around age 15 mostly as a rebellion (I would sneak my parents alcohol f they were out of the house) I struggled for years with the idea that I was alcoholic because I simply could not keep it in the house (when i was older) without drinking. I liked that when I drank I was calmer, funnier,  - thought I was much more likeable. The first important thing I learned that helped was that it reduced my self awareness. I did not think I used it to dull pain or treat anxiety but now I see that it was something within my grasp. my control and for kids raised in out of control homes it was empowering to make my own choices.

I gradually came to see that I was desperate to be liked and/or loved and alcohol leveraged that. As I came to like myself a little I found I wanted to drink less.

As I began investigating the effects of BPD NPD parents, I also saw that the painful circumstances at home produced a need for me to feel a kind of pain. Sick and weird as this may sound i actually found I was punishing myself with alcohol and drugs. I even remember drinking and drug taking and half consciously thinking of it as punishment!

My reading and talking to others has helped me see that addiction stems from an inability to cope. This is not so terrible if you realise that the home bred a complete lack of self sense as well as a lack of coping tools. If BPDm and NPD father are competing with you on every level, blaming you on other levels and abusing you emotionally, then making you their caretaker is an inappropriate form of control/abuse. You are THEIR child. They could be caring for YOU, teaching YOU, loving YOU. So without a sense of who you are - except as reflected by how they teach you who you are, what else do you have to go on?

The negative effect of low self esteem is unbearable. the problems you face are so very large as an adult - how much worse as a child?

What I want to say to you is not to crucify yourself for having found a way to deal with so much pain but rather to reassure you that it is understandable and it WILL abate. As you start finding out what your strengths and great qualities are you just lose the strong desire and it stops becoming a battle of willpower but rather a feeling of "Yeah it just doesn't interest me as much" At least that is what happened to me. I used to wake up every day thinking "I can't go on like this" but never really believing I could stop or that anything could change but it did. And the process is quite natural. I wish you every success. I can see by the way you express yourself that you are proactive and want to help others - I hope you really are able to turn this to yourself and realise you deserve your own help and love.

Best wishes and peace and peace to you. I hope to see how things go for you!

[slimmiller]

Sorry to hear of what you are going through. There has been much good advice above.

You asked what you can do, one of the first and best things you can do is educate yourself. Reading 'Walking on eggsheels' is a great first step and for me was the eye opener. Keep reading. This condition is rare enough that there seems to be a lack of open available information readily available (as in the local libraries etc) Counselors for the most part seem oblivious to it.  The internet has tons of information. Keep reading and stay close to this board.

Remember, its not a sprint in dealing with this, its a marathon.

Good Luck

There is hope

[P.F.Change]

Hi, bloodmoon,

I am glad you have joined us and decided to post. It is understandable you would be feeling overwhelmed and panicked. The good news is, you have found a good place for support. You are definitely not alone.

I need to get him out of this situation ASAP, but I feel so helpless.

This statement really stood out to me. I think a lot of us have felt an urge to "rescue" our other parent from the one with BPD. In reality, this is pretty backwards thinking. Our parents are adults and they are able to make their own choices about their relationships. We were children who did not have a choice--we needed someone to rescue us from abuse, and often our other parent was not willing or able to do this. From a young age we learned to feel responsible for our parents' feelings and happiness. I agree with clljhns that it sounds like you may feel responsible for saving your father. What would it be like for you to let go of that responsibility and allow him to make his own adult decisions? What if it's not your job to get him out of the situation at all? Maybe the best you can do is suggest he seek professional help, and let him know you love and support him.

I also agree there are a lot of good lessons here. To make it easier to find the ones already recommended to you, here are some links:

Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence

Article 8: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

I think people who are co-dependent tend to feel an urge to Rescue others. This workshop might also be helpful to you: PERSPECTIVES: Conflict dynamics/Karpman Triangle

How did your therapy appointment go?

Wishing you peace,

PF