New relationship is developing eerily similar to my BPD relationship

[DownandOut]

Hey all,

So, I've recently begun dating someone that I have an intense attraction for since I broke it off with my uBPDexgf. Oddly, all the things that I've learned about BPD and the signs to look out for - moving too fast, love bombing, etc. - have manifested themselves in my new r/s. However, the disconcerting thing about it is it's ME who's doing it. The new lady in my life is younger than me and I think the emotional immaturity on her part is playing a role in her following my lead, but man, this is bad. I realize that I may have BPD traits myself and it's very upsetting to me. The worst part about this whole thing is I just stopped going to therapy because my T wasn't helping me at all. I think I need to find a new one because this new development in my life is troubling and it's clear I have some serious issues myself that need to be worked out. I don't want to just throw the baby away with the bathwater so I think I need to try to take it slow and see what happens.

Any thoughts?

[coolioqq]

I wouldn't jump into any conclusions of the "WOW, I have BPD" kind hastily. Perhaps it is just anxiety caused from what happened in the previous relationship. No one ever said that we as nons are fearless or not anxious or don't overdo it sometimes with the hopes of making it work. We are humans - that is natural. Where we differ from pwBPD, I think, is that we can catch ourselves in that and control ourselves, tone things down... .

So, try to look at it this way: you are still dating this woman. You are aware of your behaviors. Try to be mindful of them and correct them by reminding yourself that it is the amygdala working you into those behaviors. There is a possibility that you pressure yourself to make it work, thinking that it will be the end of the world if she leaves. Focus on keeping your attachment patterns in check. Relax, and see where it goes rather than trying to frame it into where you want to see it go.

Seeing another T is always a good idea too.

The key, I find at least for me, to happiness is letting go. That includes letting go of fears, pressures and also "extrementalization" - thinking too much into things.

[coolioqq]

Made a typo in the previous post. The term is "excrementalization."

[Turkish]

coolioqq is on the right track... . pwBPD feel the same emotions we do, they just feel them more intensely. The opposite of that is true for nons. Perhaps we're all borderline-borderline at times in our lives? The main difference is that we can control our emotions. Go easy on yourself, but it's good that you are doing this self-examination.

Was your BPDx also younger as your new lady is?

After examining my past relationships (which weren't many) and also my platonic friendships with women which had poor boundaries (that's a nice way of saying it), I realized I was attracted to either younger women, or women who were emotionally immature, though chronologically older than me. My T told me once: "find someone your own age."

I think he meant mentally, as well as physically. Emotionally, I still have a bit to work on... .

[Turkish]

I don't know if this would help you, D&O, but I have found this conversation interesting to me, in light of examining my BPD r/s, myself and my own perceptions, and what to look for in the future.

Emotional Immaturity

[DownandOut]

Coolioqq -

Thanks for your response. I definitely have been thinking too much into things, but realizing that I may be exhibiting borderline traits is distressing. The one thing I know that makes me different from my uBPDexgf is that I can take a step back from my current situation, examine things and slow down without turning around and running away. I guess that's where the BPD's intense feelings undermine them.

coolioqq is on the right track... . pwBPD feel the same emotions we do, they just feel them more intensely. The opposite of that is true for nons. Perhaps we're all borderline-borderline at times in our lives? The main difference is that we can control our emotions. Go easy on yourself, but it's good that you are doing this self-examination.

Was your BPDx also younger as your new lady is?

After examining my past relationships (which weren't many) and also my platonic friendships with women which had poor boundaries (that's a nice way of saying it), I realized I was attracted to either younger women, or women who were emotionally immature, though chronologically older than me. My T told me once: "find someone your own age."

I think he meant mentally, as well as physically. Emotionally, I still have a bit to work on... .

My BPDx was not younger than my current interest, however, I feel to some extent they are on the same level emotionally. My ex doesn't have the excuse that she was young though, my ex was a grown woman who should have been more emotionally developed at that point in her life.

Thanks for the link!