Not sure how to respond except with anger (and guilt)

[Our abuse recovery guide]

As I described in my previous post I have just made the (possible) discovery that my mother has BPD.  My father has terrible depression exacerbated by her bullying treatment.  Following a particularly dramatic episode whereby my father tried to leave her but in the end couldn't cope and returned, I have decided to see a psychotherapist.  The reasons are two fold, A - I don't want to be dishonest with my mum anymore about how much I hate the way she treats my father, and B - I would like to put their toxic relationship behind me with the hope of one day having a successful relationship of my own (a pathological fear of physical intimacy has prevented me doing so thus far).  I feel very afraid to speak to my mum honestly as she erupts with rage and sobbing whenever she thinks she is being blamed for relationship dysfunction ... . honestly, it has been too scary when I’ve tried in the past.  I really want to discuss this with a professional before attempting again.  I have not been in contact with her since last Tuesday morning. Am I being unreasonable or unfair for asking to be left alone? Am I potentially exacerbating both of my parents’ sicknesses? I guess these are all questions for my therapist on Wednesday, but it is very comforting to be able to express these frustrations and conflicting feelings amongst people who understand.  Good night everyone xx

[bloodmoon]

As I described in my previous post I have just made the (possible) discovery that my mother has BPD.  My father has terrible depression exacerbated by her bullying treatment.  Following a particularly dramatic episode whereby my father tried to leave her but in the end couldn't cope and returned, I have decided to see a psychotherapist.  The reasons are two fold, A - I don't want to be dishonest with my mum anymore about how much I hate the way she treats my father, and B - I would like to put their toxic relationship behind me with the hope of one day having a successful relationship of my own (a pathological fear of physical intimacy has prevented me doing so thus far).  I feel very afraid to speak to my mum honestly as she erupts with rage and sobbing whenever she thinks she is being blamed for relationship dysfunction ... . honestly, it has been too scary when I’ve tried in the past.  I really want to discuss this with a professional before attempting again.  I have not been in contact with her since last Tuesday morning. Am I being unreasonable or unfair for asking to be left alone? Am I potentially exacerbating both of my parents’ sicknesses? I guess these are all questions for my therapist on Wednesday, but it is very comforting to be able to express these frustrations and conflicting feelings amongst people who understand.  Good night everyone xx

[AnnieSurvivor]

Just a couple quick comments:

You are NOT responsible for your parents' illnesses.  They have a responsibility to get themselves better, it is NOT on your shoulders.  I used to feel that way too and it took me far too long to realize I couldn't fix someone who didn't want to be fixed.

You have a responsibility to get yourself healthy and able to deal with your family as you choose.  You cannot help anyone if your "cup is empty" so to speak.  There were many good ideas on your other post so I hope you follow those.

It might be hard but do not feel guilty about going no-contact even for a limited time.  It sounds like you did the right thing by saying you will be back in contact after you see a professional.  This may not help completely with her abandonment issues but it is all you can do.

Thinking of you and rooting for you!  Keep posting!

[Contradancer]

I do understand where you are, but AnnieSurvivor is absolutely right. Take care of your own life. Your parents are responsible for their own.

As a child, I tried to protect my flying monkey Dad from my Queen Witch Mother. All it did for me was to mess me up even more.

I admire your concern for your father, but it's up to him.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, bloodmoon, and 

I am glad you have joined and started posting. It sounds like you are feeling worn out and need some space. There is nothing wrong with asking for space when you need it; in fact it is important to take care of yourself in this way.

When a parent has BPD, we often aren't taught a healthy set of coping skills because our parents don't have them to give us. When we become adults, we have to take responsibility for learning about things like BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence. It can also help to learn communication tools such as Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN).

I think it is a really good idea to talk with a therapist. I learned so much from therapy, and I hope you will find it just as helpful. How was your first session?

Wishing you peace,

PF