So disgusted with myself

[Depression = 72% of members]

I went back.  I've been back about 3 days and I'm so disgusted with myself I can't believe it.  When I pulled out of the driveway with more suitcases then I ever left with before, I was crying hysterically but also saying to myself out loud "I did it, I finally did it".  I felt sick to my stomach about the situation but also relieved at the same time.  Then I left myself be pulled back in by the OG (there's no fear, I think, just obligation and guilt).  What would happen to the house (foreclosure then bankruptcy for me probably), his cries of "lets try again, start fresh, start over".  He asked me to just come over and talk.  At first I texted back that I wanted to be left alone, but he continued, calling and calling.  I thought I was stronger than that, I really did.  I thought I had enough of his craziness and I have had enough, but what the hell is wrong with me?  I'm so miserable to be living with him but I've been trying, sort of, to keep the peace for the last few days.  I should win an award for my performance.  I know that doesn't benefit anyone, least of all me, but ... . I just don't know. 

So now I'm taking it day by day and waiting for the next big blow up and hopefully I can make a clean break and be done.  Its 100% what I want.  I can't continue to live with this man.  Well, I guess I can since I have been, but I don't want to. 

Ugh, I just keep thinking about what my life would be like if I would have stayed gone.  I know I'd miss what I thought we were going to have by living together, but I'd also be happier, calmer and I'd look forward to going home after work rather than dreading walking in the door and seeing him sitting there. 

I'm starting the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline, which was recommended by fromheeltoheal and I hope it helps me.  I think I'm putting too much hope into what a book can do for me, but I really pray it gives me the strength to finally leave him and stay gone.

I also feel like I disappointed all the people on this Board who were there for me when I left last week.  I got such wonderful, supportive advice and I am embarrassed that I've gone back.  I hope they're still going to be there for me.  I know I'm going to need all the support I can get going forward. 

[toomanyeggshells]

I went back.  I've been back about 3 days and I'm so disgusted with myself I can't believe it.  When I pulled out of the driveway with more suitcases then I ever left with before, I was crying hysterically but also saying to myself out loud "I did it, I finally did it".  I felt sick to my stomach about the situation but also relieved at the same time.  Then I left myself be pulled back in by the OG (there's no fear, I think, just obligation and guilt).  What would happen to the house (foreclosure then bankruptcy for me probably), his cries of "lets try again, start fresh, start over".  He asked me to just come over and talk.  At first I texted back that I wanted to be left alone, but he continued, calling and calling.  I thought I was stronger than that, I really did.  I thought I had enough of his craziness and I have had enough, but what the hell is wrong with me?  I'm so miserable to be living with him but I've been trying, sort of, to keep the peace for the last few days.  I should win an award for my performance.  I know that doesn't benefit anyone, least of all me, but ... . I just don't know. 

So now I'm taking it day by day and waiting for the next big blow up and hopefully I can make a clean break and be done.  Its 100% what I want.  I can't continue to live with this man.  Well, I guess I can since I have been, but I don't want to. 

Ugh, I just keep thinking about what my life would be like if I would have stayed gone.  I know I'd miss what I thought we were going to have by living together, but I'd also be happier, calmer and I'd look forward to going home after work rather than dreading walking in the door and seeing him sitting there. 

I'm starting the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline, which was recommended by fromheeltoheal and I hope it helps me.  I think I'm putting too much hope into what a book can do for me, but I really pray it gives me the strength to finally leave him and stay gone.

I also feel like I disappointed all the people on this Board who were there for me when I left last week.  I got such wonderful, supportive advice and I am embarrassed that I've gone back.  I hope they're still going to be there for me.  I know I'm going to need all the support I can get going forward. 

[JLK1011]

Please don't beat yourself up.  Honestly, I could have written your post. We go back because we believe the best in people and we believe and want the relationship to work. We go back because we care. Going back happens. I think about the times when he and I were broken up. It was peaceful with just my daughter and me. Now I relish the times he isn't there and it's just my daughter, my son and me. Breathing room. Not feeling like I am being analyzed or feeling like I live in a fish bowl. Seeing his truck and saying $--- and not saying Woohoo the love of my life is home.

[nevaeh]

toomanyeggshells... .

I can relate so much to your post. I told uBPDH on January 24 that I wanted a divorce.  I had everything in place and had a place for me and 3 kids to go.  He wouldn't accept it (not surprised) and pulled out all the stops promising he would change.  About 2-3 weeks later I suggested a "healing separation", where we would be separated with no contact for an undetermined amount of time while we each work on our "own" issues.  We agreed he would move out and get an apartment.  He couldn't find a reasonably priced apartment so we started looking at inexpensive townhomes and he purchased one.  It seemed logical as the monthly payment was less than apartment rent and we could sell it easily if we got back together.  He backed out of that purchase (costing us about $3500) about 3 days before closing and then a day later made an offer on a house in town that costs almost double what the townhome was costing, with a monthly payment of almost double what the original target rent amount was going to be. Not only that but he is also out buying all new furniture for this house which will cost a significant amount of money.

I told him in the beginning that the longer he stayed the harder it would be for me to continue to want to work on the marriage and that is exactly what has happened.  He has put crazy pressure on me since January 24... . always hugging me, kissing me, holding my hand, telling me how much he loves me, begging me to try and make the marriage work... . it's been a crazy amount of pressure. I have tried really hard to stay emotionally neutral and not show him any of my "sad" emotions because as soon as I do he sees the weakness and goes in for the kill, so to speak.

He is set to close on the new house on May 8 and hopefully will move the weekend of the 10th.

I know what I need to do for ME.  I need to be apart from him and I don't see it working out with us down the road, despite the fact that he is getting counseling and has pledged to do counseling for the rest of his life if necessary. BUT... . I am feeling strong regrets, questioning whether I am doing the right thing and wondering if I should just give it one more try. When I think about that, however, I know I can't live with him while I'm trying to heal.

Anyway, I know exactly how you feel... . wanting desperately to get away but so easily getting sucked back in.  It's maddening, really.

My counselor asked me last week what I was afraid of... . what is the "worst" that could happen when I tell H I want a divorce finally? (there has been a very long debate about whether I can tell him I want a divorce while he is still in the house).

My response initially was that the obvious answer is that I'm afraid he might lose his temper, get angry and worst case, harm me in some way (he's never gotten physical before, except one "minor" incident).   But then I told her I have dealt with the temper tantrums for years and I'm honestly not afraid of him being mad... . I almost feel like it's easier to deal with him freaking out angry than him lavishing his love and caring on me.  So, I figured out aht what I am REALLY afraid of is that I will get sucked back in and he will convince me to change my mind.  That is my fear. 

I've thought about just "acting" like I'm giving it another try as a way to show him that I did try. But, like you, I realize that's not going to help anyone, least of all me.

I tormented over the decision for years about whether I leave during a blow up or during a calm period.  I opted for calm period.  As much as I wish I could say it would have been better is I'd left during a blow up, in my heart I know it wouldn't have mattered either way... . it's going to be really hard either way.

Are you in counseling?  I don't know how I would be able to do this if not for my counselor and a few really close friends who know what I'm dealing with (and this board, of course).

Stay strong... . I'm right along with you trying to find my way as well... .

[JLK1011]

nevaeh,

I understand what you mean about deciding when it would be easier to leave- during a calm period or during a blow up and the problem is, I don't know. Right now he is on his "best behavior" because I told him I had no problem ending the relationship. I told him there were several things that if he ever did again, I would end the relationship in an instant.

After reading your post, I asked myself what am I afraid of the most? That's a good question. I am not afraid of him. I see him for what he truly is now. I see my T tomorrow. It's something to explore. Thanks! 

[nevaeh]

nevaeh,

I understand what you mean about deciding when it would be easier to leave- during a calm period or during a blow up and the problem is, I don't know. Right now he is on his "best behavior" because I told him I had no problem ending the relationship. I told him there were several things that if he ever did again, I would end the relationship in an instant.

After reading your post, I asked myself what am I afraid of the most? That's a good question. I am not afraid of him. I see him for what he truly is now. I see my T tomorrow. It's something to explore. Thanks! 

First... .  glad I gave you something to think about!  It was kind of a profound moment for me when I finally realized and verbalized what I am afraid of.  I think I'm also afraid that if I take him back (or keep him) that he will almost certainly revert back and I will be right back to where I am now, trying to figure out how to end it. 

I don't think there is a right answer on when to leave.  I have 3 kids so leaving during a temper tantrum has never really been a viable option.  If it was just me I think I would have left LONG ago.  We've been through the cycle countless times before.  It is exhausting. 

[toomanyeggshells]

Anyway, I know exactly how you feel... .  wanting desperately to get away but so easily getting sucked back in.  It's maddening, really.

My counselor asked me last week what I was afraid of... .  what is the "worst" that could happen when I tell H I want a divorce finally? (there has been a very long debate about whether I can tell him I want a divorce while he is still in the house).

My response initially was that the obvious answer is that I'm afraid he might lose his temper, get angry and worst case, harm me in some way (he's never gotten physical before, except one "minor" incident).   But then I told her I have dealt with the temper tantrums for years and I'm honestly not afraid of him being mad... .  I almost feel like it's easier to deal with him freaking out angry than him lavishing his love and caring on me.  So, I figured out aht what I am REALLY afraid of is that I will get sucked back in and he will convince me to change my mind.  That is my fear. 

I've thought about just "acting" like I'm giving it another try as a way to show him that I did try. But, like you, I realize that's not going to help anyone, least of all me.

nevaeh, I agree with so much in your post.  I guess I do have fear and its the same as what you say - the fear of getting sucked back in.  Its not fear of uBPDbf at all.  I've seen him at what has got to be his worst - screaming, raging, throwing things, coming at me, having a real temper tantrum (he's 55 yrs old!).  I'm not scared of him at all during these times.  Its the times when, like you say, he turns on the sweetness, which I know is not going to last since he can't maintain that personality. 

What really aggravates me about my going back was that when he said to me, just come over and talk, I won't come near you or try to be close to you, I believed it.  Then of course he starts with wanting to hold my hand, sit close to me on the couch, whatever.  I just ignored him because I was there to talk and figure out what to do with the house and the bills.  Eventually, he got loud and the fake sweetness went away and the real him came out.  I was all set to take more clothes and leave but I didn't.  Why not? That's what I have to figure out.  I just can't believe that I've put myself in this situation.  Outside of this, I'm a confident, independent, self-supporting woman.  I'd never take this abuse from anyone else.  Boy am I in a bad spot at the moment. 

[toomanyeggshells]

Please don't beat yourself up.  Honestly, I could have written your post. We go back because we believe the best in people and we believe and want the relationship to work. We go back because we care. Going back happens. I think about the times when he and I were broken up. It was peaceful with just my daughter and me. Now I relish the times he isn't there and it's just my daughter, my son and me. Breathing room. Not feeling like I am being analyzed or feeling like I live in a fish bowl. Seeing his truck and saying $--- and not saying Woohoo the love of my life is home.

Thanks JLK, I appreciate your support.  Its just so crazy to live this way.  I know he can't change without therapy and he refuses.  That's how I know I have to leave because he won't confront his problems.  Its all my fault, of course. He'd be perfectly fine and happy if only I would ... .   Everyone here knows how it goes.  I just want some peace and calmness in my home life.  Really, its not too much to ask. 

[JLK1011]

Nope, it's not too much to ask. Home should be a refuge------ not a place that when you drive up to it you get anxiety attacks.   

Supposedly mine was seeing a therapist while we weren't together. When he told me I needed to talk to someone about my "inferiority complex" (because I told him to stop telling me what to do), I told him I was going on the 23rd. No support- in fact, he basically said me seeing a T would end our relationship. I told him I thought he should see one. He told me that if he went back to his T then we wouldn't be together considering the advice his T gave him while we were broken up.   I can only imagine what he told his T. His T gave him a book about boundaries. Interesting. Ya think the T was trying to tell HIM something. 

It has to be his choice to get help. You can lead a horse to water... .

I am detaching and working on my plan. His FOG is dense, but I am hopeful that I will make it through to the other side and freedom.

I think you will, too.