Curiosity killed the cat...

[fromheeltoheal]

It just freaks me out that she doesn't seem to care at all about my thoughts and needs... .

She doesn't seem to care at all about them... .

It just seems unbelievable to me that someone would do this and continue to do this.

I recommend you learn more about the disorder willy.  You're still trying to see her through the lens of mental health, and haven't accepted or maybe even realized that she isn't mentally healthy, if she indeed suffers from the disorder, and she does not think like you.  She does not think like you.  She does not think like you.

[BacknthSaddle]

Willy, take a look at the "Regarding Empathy" thread that started yesterday.  You are not alone in finding this "unbelievable," but once you believe it, a weight will lift from your mind. 

[GreenMango]

Maybe a question to ask yourself is where did you learn that when someone does something that violates your boundaries or refuses to treat you with consideratio and you continue to engage with them come from?  Or worse allow abuse?

We pick up this stuff somewhere.

[seeking balance]

It just seems unbelievable to me that someone would do this and continue to do this. And it is unbelievable to me that I haven't learned my lesson. Makes me feel like there is something deeply wrong with me.

This speaks volumes Willy.

As GM says:

Maybe a question to ask yourself is where did you learn that when someone does something that violates your boundaries or refuses to treat you with consideratio and you continue to engage with them come from?  Or worse allow abuse?

We pick up this stuff somewhere.

Focus here Willy so you can heal.

[Emelie Emelie]

Heel to heel:  "She doesn't think like you.  She doesn't think like you.  She doesn't think like you." Of course they don't.  But I keep forgetting that.

[GreenMango]

Willy

the natural response when someone violates your boundaries is to be uncomfortable... . or as you out it freaked out.   

Usually it means slow down and look at why you feel that way and then look at a way torespond appropriately. 

The unhealthy response is to feel completely freaked out then continue doing things that perpetuate the negative effects and allow the person to willy nilly do as they please.

So it freaks you out she can disregard your wishes.  Point taken its rude.  What next other than soaking in the audacity of her actions?  What could be some next steps for you that align with your desires to move forward and detach?  Actionable items because this is a practice ... . it happens with willfully practicing the steps even when it doesn't always provide immediate satisfaction.  That comes later with practice.

[willy45]

Thanks GreenMango,

I think that I've figured out a big piece of it for me today. I have not been angry. After all the lying and cheating and raging and abusing, I haven't been angry. The repeated boundary violations. The gas-lighting. The accusations. The blaming. The redirecting. All of that. For 8 years now (I'm including the 2 years post break up because it continues to happen). I have not been angry. I realized today that I have just turned that anger inwards. It was there. Seething. But instead of focusing that anger on the locus of the problem (my ex and being anywhere close to being around her), I have interwardly focused that anger on to myself. It seems like a very typical pattern in an abusive relationship. How else could someone take the abuse? That explains the depression. That explains the self-hatred. I have SO much anger toward my ex I can't even contain it. And instead of being angry and using that anger to distance myself from someone who clearly has no interest in my safety or security, that anger has just remained bottled up inside me and it is just turning onto myself.

So, the next step for me in all this is to practice telling myself that my ex is a crazy, selfish, abusive b*tch. That I didn't deserve the way she treated me. That she will always treat me like this if I let her. And that she can ___ right off. That is clearly what I need to do. Because bottling this up has clearly not worked. And sugar coating any interaction with her doesn't work. Trying to explain to her why her contact hurts me like she is a normal human being doesn't work. But, telling her to ___ off in my mind, that is going to work. Every time she calls or emails, I can tell her to ___ off by deleting her emails. I can tell her to ___ off by changing my phone number. I can tell her to ___ off my telling her not to come near me if I see run into her.

I'm done with mourning. I've been doing that too long. And that hasn't worked. I know deep down that I have no interest in having her in my life in any capacity. I never wanted to marry her let alone have children with her. What a terror that would have been.

All the abuse is over with. I'm not going to let her words affect me anymore or trick me into thinking I am to blame for her abuse and insane behavior.

This is the piece that is missing. This is the piece that can help me build up my boundaries. I'm going to work on why I haven't done this in the past and learn to feel OK with turning people away who violate me.

[Narellan]

You made a really good point about anger Willy. I totally identify with u on that. I'm still not angry. Never have been. And towards my best friend who has betrayed me I move in and out of anger. Usually I move through the anger phase quickly by dealing with it and letting it out. I don't really understand why I'm not angry with ex BPD, maybe because I excuse his bad behaviour? Because now I understand it being an illness. It doesn't stop him hurting me. I've been devastated by him, but I only feel thankful for knowing him. Grateful he hurt me to my core because its made me look at myself and what I want from this life. He has slapped me awake. Maybe anger will come later on for me. But I feel good and feel happier and feel like I forgive him for how he wronged me. And feel like I am moving on a bit now because when I think of him, I don't feel physical pain and despair now just a bit of sorrow which I can happily deal with. You're cycling through the loss stages, and doing pretty well I think. Well done x