coping with illness

[Calm Waters]

so, my BPD mother died a few months ago at 88, my NPD father, now 91 is so proud and arrogant that he is putting himself at risk by not using the disability aids and has fallen at home a few times despite my protests. My older brother 64 is having his 3rd cancer treatment in 10 years and has lost both our mother and his partner ( to parkinsons and dementia, she is now in a care home). My oldest son 26 is depressed and a year ago was suicidal. He has no job, no girlfriend, has lsot faith in himself and the world, however he lives independently on benefits... . just. my younger son 18 has done virtually nothing since he left school 2 years ago except get stoned and party. He has developed Irritable Bowel symptoms which are holding him back still more. He seems to have no purpose ambition or enthusiasm for life beyond dope. Me and my partner of 32 years are professional intelligent people, she is a mental health specialist and a counsellor, we have been in individual and couples therapy throughout most of our relationship and have been the best parents we could be. Her younger sister is also dyeing of cancer, 7 years now with stage 4 breast and bone. My partner and I both come from disturbed family backgrounds in differing ways, I am now convinced that all this illness is a result of BPD / NPD disturbance and abuse going back a couple of generations! but what can one do? I am very aware now of my BPD  issues that I have been forced to confront, but it feels too late, the damage is done, my kids are struggling and there seems little I can do but try and support what is left of my ailing family. I worry that my health will fail, I am 56 and in generally good health but the strain and stress of the last decade has knocked a lot of my enthusiasm and zeal for life. I just want those I love to have some peace and happiness.

[Want2know]

That is certainly a lot to process and reconcile as far as quality of life goes.   

Wanting peace and happiness for those you love is normal, and a hard goal to achieve as those things are not really within your control.  I have found that what makes me happy and peaceful sometimes comes from within and sometimes from external factors that inspire it (ie. a beautiful spot in nature, having a hardy laugh with a friend).

What makes you happy may not be what makes others happy.  It all sounds so cliche, but it's true.

I know illness sucks (my mom died from cancer), and is a part of living, so there is some level of acceptance of that fact.

How do you react when you are with them during their moments of unhappiness?  I know for me, when I'm unhappy, it makes me feel a little better when the other person I'm with just listens, doesn't try and solve my problems and ends it with a loving smile and a hug.   

[clljhns]

Oh my gosh! This is a lot to deal with! 

I agree that being raised by a BPD and NPD causes illness--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am so sorry that your sons have not found their purpose and are in such a bad place in their lives. I know the pain of watching your child do things that you know are not good for them. I worried about my daughter for several years as she just couldn't seem to find a purposeful direction. This went on for about five years. When I stopped propping her up and starting insisting that she look for ways to become self-sufficient, she found herself in a very uncomfortable position. It was so uncomfortable that she took action and is now overseas finally pursuing one of her dreams. Finally! Your sons are still young. They have time to re-set their compasses.

I also want to share with you the story of two nephews. Their mom is my sister, and she sustained most of the physical abuse by our mom. So, you can imagine how difficult it was for her to make good choices in a mate and she was lacking a lot of the necessary skills as a parent. All of us kids were lacking in this department! One of her sons barely graduated from school and then promptly began couch surfing when my sister would insist that he get a job. He would hang out with friends doing drugs and alcohol and then would wear out his welcome and be sent on his way. He even traveled between three states "visiting" family (me included) to avoid working. He is now 26, married, has a good job, just had a baby and moved into his first home! He finally has a direction and purpose and is off the drugs and alcohol! The other nephew, my brother's son, was involved in drugs and drinking heavily from the time he was an adolescent until about age 25. He would call me absolutely drunk, on duty at his military post, and talk to me about his life. This scared me to death! I didn't know what to do to help him. My brother told me that it was his son's life and he didn't believe in interfering in his decisions. This nephew now is developing his own company and although he has many medical problems, he has many wonderful and positive plans for his future.

I wish you much peace during this difficult time and want you to know that I truly do understand the pain of seeing your child harm themselves and feel helpless to do anything about it. But I want you to remember that hope springs eternal, nothing is ever set in stone.

Peace and blessings!

[Calm Waters]

Thank you both for your kind thoughtful responses, I have to believe that they will find their way or all hope feels lost, I hold on to the belief that they will find their way eventually

[dontknow2]

Calmwaters,

After a whole life time of doing the opposite, I am discovering the way for me to help those I love is for me to help myself.

One of the biggest aha moments for this was when my 17 yr old son asked if he could meet with a therapist for 1 appointment after 3 years of telling me he would never see a therapist... . he consistently said I only got crazier with therapy (he saw my total breakdowns over years). Since his 1st appointment, he keeps agreeing with his therapist to go a few more times. He has started on his healing journey MUCH earlier than I did. Even if he doesn't get anywhere with therapy now, he at least has a new resource available if he decides he needs it in the future.

Another aha moment was when I discussed with friends (a couple) how depressed I was over my relationship: that I felt worthless related to being cheated on, I am ugly, discounted, and more. Shortly after that (within days), I saw some of their major struggles starting to disappear. He stopped staying out super late with his friends or work, started getting her flowers, spending more time together, etc...

If I can't BE and love the real me (including what I didn't/don't like about myself or where I feel the most vulnerable), then it is difficult to expect others too. I have to embrace what I am today... . and accept the consequences (threat of job loss, relationship loss, poor parenting, etc.). It tends to be scary and lonely though  

I wish your family healing and you will find your enthusiasm, zeal again... . maybe one baby step at a time.