How have BPD parents affected your adolescence?

[Ziggiddy]

In an attempt to review my past experiences and understand my self esteem issues I have been reading diaries from when I was a teenager. I am distressed to see how involved I was in unhealthy and cruel friendships/relationships. I can't understand why I would put up with some shocking treatment from people nor why I chased after those who would act in such an unkind manner, particularly opposite sex/romantic r'ships.

I knew I suffered more bullying than most people I knew but put that down to my unusual racial characteristics and perhaps oversensitivity/distortion of adolescence.

Now I am at a loss to measure what was normal teenage angst against the effect of learned personality "adjustments' from uBPDm and UBPD/NDd.

Can anyone shed some light by their own experiences? How can you identify what was 'normal' and what came from disordered home life?

I would appreciate having some kind of idea of other people's reality.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Ziggiddy,

It sounds like you're doing a lot of soul-searching and really seeing how your childhood and adolescence have affected you. That takes a lot of hard work and courage.   

To answer your questions, there are so many things that I remember, and as an adult, I see what a tremendous influence my mother was. I see how much of my self-worth came from my parents. My story is very similar to the other ones here.

What's important is how that upbringing changed you, and what you can gain from it going forward. It's important to look back, of course (that's why it's an essential part of the healing process and the Survivor's Guide), but what do you hope to gain from your experiences and the ones you share with everyone here? How are you working through the self-esteem issues?

[G.J.]

Hi Ziggiddy,

I have also been doing a lot of reflection on my childhood and how my uBPDm and uNPDd and dBPDsister affected my self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, and even my identity as a person.  I've also been identifying lessons that I learned that were damaging to me, as well as crucial lessons I should have been taught, that I wasn't, which has left me a bit exposed and crippled in the adult-relations world. 

To speak to your adolescence, I remember in 2nd Grade, being picked on unmercifully by a girl in my class.  I would come home crying every day, saying I didn't want to go back to school.  My parents kept telling me to just ignore her, and that eventually she would stop.  I tried, but for months, she didn't stop.  Because I was being told to endure it and do nothing, I was rendered helpless and a victim.  Finally, I convinced my father to do something -- he called her father.  But I remember standing there while he talked to him, and I felt SO ashamed that my dad had to do that, because I couldn't keep enduring her abuse.  So not only was I taught that "good girls allow others to abuse them and just endure it quietly," I also didn't learn any kind of lesson about setting boundaries, confronting bullies, standing up for myself, etc.  I learned that I'm a victim, that I am powerless to get people to treat me with respect, and I should feel ashamed for being abused and for not being able to just take it... .   At 8 years old.  Yuck.

Then in 3rd Grade, a boy 3 years older than me who lived down the street, would taunt and harass me every day walking home from the bus stop.  I'd cross the street to get away from him but he'd follow me.  I'd ignore him, pretend he wasn't there, grit my teeth and say nothing.  This went on for months.  And one day, I had had enough.  I wheeled around, and clocked him square in the face with my metal Snoopy lunchbox.  I got in a bit of trouble for that, because I apparently messed up his face a bit.  But he never said a word to me again, and this time I didn't feel ashamed.  But... .   Nice lesson.  Stay passive, endure the abuse, and when you can no longer take it, explode inappropriately.

As an adult, these 2 lessons got converted into:  When being abused, stay passive, endure the abuse, and if it eventually goes WAY too far, then explode.  But if you really can't or shouldn't explode, then play the victim and find someone else to "save" you, and make it their responsibility to stand up to the person for you.  Yep.  This methodology went on for a good quarter of a century after I first learned it.  I'm sure you can imagine how well it's worked for me.   

At any rate, while I find it helpful to retrace these things to uncover the unconscious messages I internalized as a kid, and some of the lessons I wasn't taught, or bad lessons I was taught -- so I can then undo, or finally learn, or heal the things necessary to move forward as a healthy adult... .   What I've also come to learn in my journey, is that some things aren't worth spending too much time looking back on or analyzing.  Some memories are just an exercise in reliving pain with very little of value to gain from them.

Whether or not what you went through as an adolescent was due to crummy classmates, racial characteristics, your own distortions, screwed up parents, or maybe even a 5th option we're not thinking of -- I'm not sure how that information helps you going forward?  Either way, the outcome is the same:  It happened.  And you can't go back and change it.

I think the questions I might be asking are, ":)o I have people like that in my life now?  Do I tolerate similar behavior from others now?  If these things happened to me today, how would I react?  What lessons did I learn from those experiences and are those lessons serving me in a positive way now?  What do I consider to be normal versus abusive behavior now?  If I DID suffer from poor parenting, have I readjusted to something more healthy since then?  If not, what do I need to do to fix that?"

From a book I really enjoy:  "I will not get so bogged down in dealing with old wounds that I forget about new growth... .   Look back, but don't stare." 

[Ziggiddy]

Hi GeekyGirl

Thank you for your reply.

In thinking about an answer to your questions:

what do you hope to gain from your experiences and the ones you share with everyone here? How are you working through the self-esteem issues?

I was unable to clarify my thoughts enough to answer the question! It felt a bit like going to a doctor and saying "I feel sick" and the doctor saying "Well what's wrong with you?"! Then as I read the reply from CJ I think this nailed it:

  I've also been identifying lessons that I learned that were damaging to me, as well as crucial lessons I should have been taught, that I wasn't, which has left me a bit exposed and crippled in the adult-relations world. 

didn't learn any kind of lesson about setting boundaries, confronting bullies, standing up for myself, etc.  I learned that I'm a victim, that I am powerless to get people to treat me with respect, and I should feel ashamed for being abused and for not being able to just take it... .





find it helpful to retrace these things to uncover the unconscious messages I internalized as a kid, and some of the lessons I wasn't taught, or bad lessons I was taught -- so I can then undo, or finally learn, or heal the things necessary to move forward as a healthy adult... .

I didn't know what question to ask. Your replies have helped me understand the need to articulate the right question but I am still learning how to do that about myself confidently. (Oddly enough I find it easy to do with others?)

I am at this very beginning idea that "Hey - some of the things that happened may not have been my fault or my whole fault." I am working through accepting that in terms of parent abuse but now wanting to see the effect it may or may not have had on my adolescence.

Like you GJ I experienced bullying from a fairly young age and I am gobsmacked at the echoes of what you have said. I do believe certain types of people attract bullying more than others and ones with a lack of a sense of "You are not entitled to treat me this way!" are much more likely to be targeted.

I understand that I can't change the past - but I do think that reviewing with adult, informed eyes I can maybe learn to stop blaming myself over and over for all the bad things that happened and actually lay some blame at the feet of people who could have acted differently. No doubt they had their own problems to deal with but I am tired of preforgiving people who show no remorse. There is simply nothing that a teenager can do that makes it okay to treat them that abusively. And there is some large failure or other to the understanding of the teenager who continues to chase around people who call them names, put them down and humiliate them publicly over and over. Why would I do that? it doesn't make sense. And I really REALLY need to make some sense of myself.

Crummy classmates are one thing but if I am not actually distorting or being paranoid or even just overfeeling as teenagers do, then some of those kids should have been charges with assault.

And in some ways I guess I feel my parents failed to protect me - my dad forgot to come down to keep an eye on a fight that 4 girls lined up after school and I ... . well I can't describe it but let's just say I went to school with two thirds of the hair that I had the day before and a head covered with scabs from being thumped on the ground repeatedly.

In learning to negotiate the past I just want to learn what I did that was wrong so I can forgive myself and mend. Hopefully I'll learn who I was and who I am now. I really don't know what else I want to know or do (

[Ziggiddy]

GJ,

I am grateful to you for sharing your experiences. They have reminded me of much more than childhood terror and shame - they have also reminded me that we a are more than the sum of the things that happened to us. I am so sorry that you had such bad experiences and at such a young age. And then not having useful tools to take steps to prevent it happening again must have made you feel quite vulnerable.

Your story about the lunchbox reminded me of a time when at age 12 our class was being taught dancing. Now I am tall - close to 6 foot and so would always get matched with one of the 2 boys who were taller than me. One of them, whilst waiting for the music to start was yelling to the other boys how he "had to dance with this fat black ape" and repeating it. The teacher was smaller than the guy and did not seem to know what to do. Finally the 4th time I swung around and slapped his face. It was not that hard but it was loud and the rest of the class stopped dancing. The teacher looked at him then looked at me then asked me if I'd like to dance with him instead. It was the first acknowledgement I remember having that some one else's behaviour was not right.

[GeekyGirl]

In learning to negotiate the past I just want to learn what I did that was wrong so I can forgive myself and mend. Hopefully I'll learn who I was and who I am now. I really don't know what else I want to know or do (

That makes a lot of sense--and forgiving yourself takes a lot of work. You and I (as well as just about everyone here) felt a lot of shame as children, which carries over into adulthood. We have to go back and retrain ourselves, and you're right; knowing what we missed out on can help us identify what we need to work on.

What kind of advice would you give your younger self? I've found that's a good place to start. I would have urged my younger self to take more chances, to not worry so much about pleasing my mother and focus more on my needs and likes. There are a lot of things I could have done much more easily in my 20's (like living in another country or taking up a new hobby) that aren't as easy now that I have a husband and son to think about. I didn't see how my enmeshment with my mother was affecting my marriage.

It's easy to regret what could have been, or be angry about how it really was, but it's a heck of a lot freeing to recognize it for what it was and to move on. That's why I asked what you hope to gain from the memories that come up. You mentioned bullying and your parents' failure to protect you. Has this has led you to avoid conflict and confrontation as an adult? What else do you think you missed out on by having parents who weren't concerned about your needs?

[Ziggiddy]

GeekyGirl you are VERY good at asking questions that I would like to know how to ask myself, if you know what I mean. I also appreciate how that draws me into a conversation as my self esteem has been so low that I don't often feel that I'm worth listening to (Not throwing a pity party - just that I have learned that there is no point in revealing inner feelings as they are not as important as Queen Victim Mum, One-Upped You Dad or I Don't Really See a Problem Just be Nice To Them Friends! Thank you for making me feel invited (sounds strange)

Odd you asking about my younger self because I found myself in a bit of a daydream the other night after spending some time reading and posting on this site. I had this sudden memory of myself crying myself to sleep again and again and wondering how I could be so <insert learned shame words here> And I just imagined myself climbing into bed and holding that child while she cried. It wa s enough for a moment until I started wondering if I was dissociating or going mad! I guess it was my way of acknowledging the pain without trying to reason on it.

I don't know what I would tell her really. Maybe that no one has a right to hit you no matter what. there's something wrong with people who slap you physically or emotionally.

Parent's failure to protect me ... . hmm. This included from my brother who regularly (daily) kicked me in the stomach or thumped me on the arm or karate chopped me or German Clawed my temples or Chinese burned my arm. Even worse than the bullies (we grew up in a very small town) was the knowledge that he was on their side. He wouldn't stick up for me like other kids siblings did.

Do I avoid conflict now? Not really but I am never optimistic that it will end well. Same goes for asserting myself. if I stand up for something or ask for my needs to be met I'm always very surprised if people respond with mildness or agreement.

It's sad that you lost opportunities when you were younger. I'm sorry that was your case - it can be a little bittersweet to think on what you may have had or experienced had your home situation been better.

[[/quote]


What else do you think you missed out on by having parents who weren't concerned about your needs? [/quote]


A better relationship with my brother, a sense of place in amongst my peers. The spine to tell toxic people to back off. The confidence to recognise toxic people!

Do you feel  like you are at a place where you can view your parents just as people with faults rather than people who caused you pain and anguish? Does that happen with this disorder?