Addiction bond

[woke up]

Having caught my exuBPDgf cheating 6 months ago,mi broke it off and went nc.  I started to focus on me and my role in the relationship and why allowed my boundaries to be violated.  I believe I have done much healing, however, my gf and I made contact about once per month because we work for the same airline.  My contact with her at the beginning of the month led to me writing her a stern text telling her no more contact.  I told her once again, I heavier forgiven her, however, I won't forget what she did and she will not have me in her life as a consquence.  Well we had another trip together a week ago and I got together with her and her parents for the afternoon before she flew back home.  When her parents left, she told me she should not have broken up with me and I like an idiot told her I still loved her.  Stupid stupid mistake! However, with pwBPD you can't really take what they say seriously, because I believe she is living with the replacement and they are still together.  Each time I have contact with her, I feel empty inside and my addiction to her is triggered for about a week or so.  Running into her is not avoidable because we work together, so how do I get padt this addiction bond to her?  Any ideas from you folks would be great because I'm soo done with this roller coaster and getting sucked back in by her.  Whenever we interact her desire for me seems to have gotten stronger, yet she is still with the replacement, and even if she left him, I can't trust her, so getting back together with her is not at all a good idea.  I told her ladt time that we both need to move on, but she still professes her attraction to me, yet won't leave the replacement either, I really have no idea what she wants and how I can move on and not be triggered by her each time we interact. 

[guitargrl]

My first though is whether or not her desire for you really gets stronger or if her desire to lay it on so that you stay hooked gets stronger, which probably makes her feel great.  I think if she is still with another man and showing a strong desire toward you, that in and of itself shows a really unhealthy relationship dynamic.  This person does not sound to me like someone that is capable of a healthy relationship with either of you right now.  I say try to stay no contact as much as possible, and if you have to have contact limit as much as possible any personal interaction.  Keep focusing on your healing and try to stay off the roller coaster… certainly easier said than done.  Good luck, sorry things are so tough!

[woke up]

Thanks for your input.  I feel I'm getting stronger as time passes, however, each interaction leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth for about a week to 10 days.  I would like to get past that plateau.  Our bond with pwBPD is certainly an addictive one and just like going back to a drug, we relapse at each interaction.  I read a book called betrayal bond and it helped me really understand the addiction in such bonds.  However, it's one thing to understand it, it's completely another to overcome it.  The scary part is in the book, sometimes these bonds are lifetime and therapy and time have no effect on them. 

[woodsposse]

 

I like your choice of words of "addition bond".  But in reality - it is more like "trauma bonding"  (google it).

[woke up]

You're right it is a trauma bond, the book betrayal bonds also talks about that, but it is also an addiction, and it took a bit of liberty with words.

[woodsposse]

You're right it is a trauma bond, the book betrayal bonds also talks about that, but it is also an addiction, and it took a bit of liberty with words.

Take all the liberties you like.   

The reason I threw that out there is, yes, it is an additiction - but if you were interested in doing some light reading on trauma bonding, I'm sure there are tons of things you can find which will speak to it (and it isn't a postivie phrase).  I did some reading on it... . and it helped me center myself more and more.  I hope you can find that center as well.

No one deserves to be unhappy and in pain.

Once you know what a thing is... . it is easier to name it and stop letting it control you.

[woke up]

Thanks Woods, I'll do that.  Can't let her control me that way anymore.  Interestingly I'm having lots of success with other women showing interest in me, and much prettier women at that, but can't seem to enjoy it because of my ex.  Hopefully that will change with time.