To engage, or to ignore?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It has been almost 6 months of not contact, however my ex has contacted my daughter, my sister, and my step mother. My sister, and step mother, were the people that were telling her that we were bad for each other, and that I was abusive... . Not true.

I have ignored the contact from the ex to the family, and it had died down. But now its started again, to the point with my ex, and step mother acting like they are BFFs. I can't stand my step mother, she has issues, but my ex is ramping up contact with people in my life, every one but me. This is about her time. She goes about 6-7 months, and I become white again.

So needless to say, I am pretty angry about my step mother betraying me, and my ex still trying to control, and playing her games.

So do I engage... . or simply ignore? I want someone's a@@ at this point. I am tired of their crap.

[node4]

It has been almost 6 months of not contact, however my ex has contacted my daughter, my sister, and my step mother. My sister, and step mother, were the people that were telling her that we were bad for each other, and that I was abusive... . Not true.

I have ignored the contact from the ex to the family, and it had died down. But now its started again, to the point with my ex, and step mother acting like they are BFFs. I can't stand my step mother, she has issues, but my ex is ramping up contact with people in my life, every one but me. This is about her time. She goes about 6-7 months, and I become white again.

So needless to say, I am pretty angry about my step mother betraying me, and my ex still trying to control, and playing her games.

So do I engage... . or simply ignore? I want someone's a@@ at this point. I am tired of their crap.

[Tolou]

If you can, continue to ignore... . It was the best thing I did, it wasn't easy, but I ignored all the pedy attempts to lure me back in, or to even engage in a meaningless conversation. Do yourself a favor, just let it be, you can't stop other people from communicating with one another, what's the point it is useless. Themore you ignore, the better from my experience, especially if it not really doing you any harm... .

[bpdspell]

I agree with Tolou but I think you know the answer to your own question.

You can't control who your ex comes into contact with. You can only control how you respond and how you react. Yes our ex's play mind games by hovering and lurking when we're no longer painted black but that's your ex's problem; not yours. You're done right?

My question to you is are you working on detachment or are you holding on this "defunct" relationship with your anger?

I ask because the latter was me. I was out of my relationship for over a year but the relationship was still very alive in my mind due to my anger and my feelings of revenge and what I feel was just deserved punishment. When my ex would text, talk to third party acquaintances,  or call from bizarre numbers I would relish in ignoring him and it kept me very attached to wanting to see him suffer for the pain he caused me. I wanted him to know my pain by ignoring him but it kept me stuck.

I shared my feelings with you because ignoring isn't detaching. There's a major difference between the two and one that often needs to be highlighted on these boards. I ignored my ex for two years but I was still attached to punishing. Your ex is mentally ill. More than likely she knows that she has lost a good thing in you but that will not stop her antics or ways of moving in the world. Borderlines have poor boundaries; their emotional children. So hanging around your family members isn't surprising.

Talk with your family. Tell them your feelings. But do not engage with your ex or take the bait. If you're done; your'e done.

Spell

[Mutt]

My sister, and step mother, were the people that were telling her that we were bad for each other, and that I was abusive... . Not true.

This sentence is confusing node4, is the source coming from your BPDex?

[nownotsure]

I was wondering the same as Mutt about who exactly you were hearing this from. But it doesn't really matter, because if you react with even a hint of anger towards whoever's creating this drama, then you might inadvertently walk into a trap where they can turn around and claim "see, he is abusive."

I'm going to give you the same advice everyone else has: If I were you, I'd show absolutely no interest in what's being said. The more you remove yourself from what's being said, the less fuel you give to them. Once your stepmother and ex realize they aren't getting under your skin anymore, they'll hopefully lose interest and your ex will move on.