sometimes I wish I had a "geek" to fix me like they can for these tech issues... .
I guess that is why I am so grateful for those of you out there who know what I am talking about when I describe heartaches or grief in regards to FOO and how it still seems to keep rippling around and tearing/eroding progress.
As heavily as I've been sleeping with springtime yard work and time changes, I struggle with nightmares where I wake from really hurtful FOO interactions, last night's was with the brother who bailed on me this past year. I managed to grab some power in the dream though as he was going to whine and "explain" why he hadn't contacted me for over a year - in my dream I was able to say, "I have nothing to say to you" and hang up on him.
In real life I see me halfway buying whatever malarkey he'd be trying to sell to excuse his selfishness.
The reality I am faced with is that even when the "hub" disordered uBPD'd person dies, the dynamics that were cast in stone decades ago still rob, still cheat, still maim.
Oddly enough, as I work outside and look at blue skies and blooms and nesting birds, I can almost pretty much wish her peace... . it's not forgiveness, just the pretty stable thought that she can never wage war on anyone again, that her pain won't be reproduced and batter another human heart again... .
So juxtaposition of still being so so hurt and yet this strange becalmed deep sigh of "well at least that's done with" as far as she is concerned.
The ripples consist of older children of my siblings and my kids now being in touch, detaching when I hear that they've visited or communicated, resisting the urge to say, "I had to survive, here is why I did what I did," even as my kids know all that.
JADE is hard to learn, rather, NOT to Jade
. That is the question.
The childhood friend of mine that got caught up in my brother's codependent self-pity party, lecturing me to "forgive, life's too short, etc" shaming/blaming me about something she knows nothing about... . well, another childhood friend (we were a steady threesome for 30 years) has also gone the way of the dodo. I got a fairly cryptic email from her as well telling me "You just didn't like hearing what you didn't want to hear." My how invalidating... .
This 2nd friend's father is almost 80, her mother just passed, and she confided in my last Oct when her mother died that she discovered her father is rec'ing and PRINTING child pornography... . I told her I guess he's fortunate he isn't my father, his computer would've gotten the business end of a baseball bat... .
I am sickened to know she allows this to continue - I am sickened I haven't called the proper auth's... .
So whose head is buried in the sand about "not wanting to hear" etc?
And this is something she'd never confide in friend 1... .
Her father, she wrote in her snarky email, has "started going to church again" after her mother's passing. My... . how sweet (sorry really really grossed out that he sits in a pew as a former deacon on Sunday, and probably isn't reading the comics when he gets home)... .
My support system that I counted on, is what I am getting at, was primarily these two for a long time... . a LONG time... .
My brother never was, as he was so emotionally crippled by the uBPD'd mother.
I have one lovely good friend I've known for ages whose oldest son is my son's age. She is so demonstrative and seems to need my friendship as much as I treasure hers... .
my older friend who'd been like a mom to me for about 10 yrs has gotten into a very gossipy local older women's clutch where I feel like anything I say will get broadcast... . as I hear way too much of other folks' most personal stuff and say so... . to no avail. So I shut down that pretty quickly once it shifted.
I'm lonely, ALONE, sometimes not both the same animal... . the farmer I have spent time with is more and more blunt about his selfish narcissist stuff and I told him 2 weeks ago that I've had it, he'll be receiving what he dishes out... . that induced a grunt of acknowledgement but he's been warned.
I don't see my youngest since she moved in with her father, I mean... . at all. She has found a really sweet young man so I get that... . but I see alot of her father's self-indulgent behaviors popping up that I fought when she was here ( doing her share of housework, being reliable etc)... . so be it... . she's over 18 now, I guess she will learn.
Well this is getting long for an update... . Legacymaker was sweet enough to leave a PM for me and it made me smile so much... .
To anyone I haven't "met" yet, I hope you know this is the best source for loving validation and loving confrontation if you need it about making sure you are pursuing healthy choices for yourself, working on any codependent stuff (my cross to bear I know), avoiding getting entangled with yet MORE uBPD's or narcissist types (again, I seem to have a magic touch for finding them!).
This is a good time of year for me to just keep busy (Jane Austen in Mansfield Park calls it "busy nothings"
, love her... . my god, what a mind!) outside, inside, painting repairing just found new big cast iron old enamelled sink about an hour away on craigslist that I want for my old kitchen... .
Love to see a job well done whether in garden or old house... . testimony to my time being well spent.
A time of renewal, with spring, Easter, whatever frame we can put it in... .
Here's to each of you getting a 2nd wind as well.
