Feeling worn down by the hostility

[lost and found]

After over a year of very minimal contact, I got another email from my sister. She seems to like "flaming" people and she's sent similar emails to plenty of people. She sent me a lengthy email letting me know I am phony and fake, mean, not real like her, etc., etc. My sin that set this off? I sent her kids Easter cards. And possibly because I posted a happy facebook photo of me and my husband on our 17th anniversary. I don't know for a fact that that had anything to do with it, but my gut says that it might.

So why send cards at all? I live thousands of miles away and I don't have any illusions that a card is the same as a relationship. Every holiday that has come up this question of whether to do anything at all for her family and how it might be taken stresses me out. But I talked about it with my therapist (who has a lot of experience with borderlines) and here's what she told me. Many of her clients who were raised by borderlines felt like extended family or friends were a lifeline. As she put it, "When those kids are 12 and suicidal" they might want to reach out, or at least take some comfort in knowing that there are other people in the world who showed an interest in them. I don't know how many friends she has, or how stable the friendships are, but there aren't a lot of family in the area. While she has never objected to cards or gifts before (she loves to receive) I'm never sure what will set her off.

I was ok the day that I got the email, but today I am feeling worn out and hopeless. My husband blocked her emails, so it isn't that I'm worried about hearing from her right now. It's more that it triggers me. It's a reminder that no matter how far away I go and what I accomplish, no matter how happy I am, somebody can just start spewing hatred and vileness and abuse at you. I dislike conflict as much as my sister loves it, which of course she uses to her advantage.

To those of you who "officially" went no contact - what did you say? How did you put it? I'm not interested in rehashing old problems or rebuilding a relationship. I just want the insults and abuse to stop, and I want to know that when I visit mutual family she won't start verbal fights. 

[G.J.]

Many of her clients who were raised by borderlines felt like extended family or friends were a lifeline. As she put it, "When those kids are 12 and suicidal" they might want to reach out, or at least take some comfort in knowing that there are other people in the world who showed an interest in them.

I haven't even finished reading the rest of your post, but I practically jumped out of my skin when I read this... .

YES YES YES, your therapist is 100% correct.

I'm a daughter of a uBPDm, my dad has some NPD traits, and my sister was recently diagnosed with BPD.  Growing up in my house was akin to living in a mental institution with the Crazy's running the place.

We did the major holidays with my dad's sister and her family, but they were VERY "hands off" when it came to what was going on at my house.  No one talked about it, no one acknowledged it.  Once things got really bad in my teenage years and my dad left and said there was nothing he could do, I got desperate and went to both my Aunt & Uncle, and my Grandparents, begging them for help.  Due to their own childhood conditioning, not only did they not want to get involved, they didn't even want to hear about it.

For many years, that felt like an enormous rejection and just made things worse for me.  At the very least, I desperately needed someone to validate what I was experiencing and tell me it wasn't my fault.  I never even considered going to my mother's family, because she had next to no relationship with them, and they never attempted to keep up with me or my sister.  It's taken me a LOT of therapy to finally understand that they weren't rejecting me, or assuming I was crazy for my perceptions of what was going on at home -- they just didn't have the inner resources themselves to deal with it.

I've also learned that all it takes is ONE "Sympathetic Witness" in an abused child's life to make all the difference.  Someone who can simply validate and say, "What's going on is not ok, and it's not your fault.  You have someone on your side."

I would most definitely attempt to stay in some sort of contact with your sister's kids if possible.  I would not be surprised at all to hear that they reach out to you one day.  Your sister may badmouth you to them, but if you keep showing them that you care, and once they realize their mother is a nut job, they'll get the picture and instinctively take the chance in reaching out to you if they need you.

[lost and found]

Hi G.J.

Thank you! Part of BPD sis's email was to let me know that all her kids know of me is how much I hurt their mother, etc. I don't really buy into it, but at the same time I know that really, she can tell them anything she wants about me.

I feel for you growing up in that situation and how hard it must have been to feel abandoned when you went to other family members for help. But thank you for telling me about your story. It helps me to have the inner strength to keep doing anything I can for my niece and nephew.

Funny, I also have a BPD mom, npd dad and BPD sis.

Again, thank you. I needed to hear that. Good luck with your healing and I wish you all the best.

L. & F.

[G.J.]

today I am feeling worn out and hopeless.

I understand this.  I have been saying a lot recently that I just cannot stand the hostility in my family.  I want to move across the country and drop out of civilization, just to get away from it.  It's exhausting, demoralizing, and feels like you've been knocked down just after you finally stood up again from the last blow.  And it always seems to come unexpectedly.  Walking on eggshells, wondering what is going to provoke the next round of hysteria, is miserable.

it isn't that I'm worried about hearing from her right now. It's more that it triggers me.

I struggle with this as well... .   On the one hand, I think it's only natural to feel hurt when someone lashes out at you.  I mean, if nothing else, it's just unpleasant!  What I've been told, is to imagine the word "SICK" written on their forehead when you're talking to them or thinking about them.  This isn't a "normal" person who is genuinely upset with you.  This is someone who is truly mentally ill, and you cannot take seriously or personally anything they are saying.  It's not about you -- it's 100% completely about them.

no matter how far away I go and what I accomplish, no matter how happy I am, somebody can just start spewing hatred and vileness and abuse at you.

You moving away, doesn't cure your sister's illness.  You accomplishing great things, doesn't cure her illness.  You finding happiness for yourself, doesn't cure your sister's illness.  (Point in fact, not much will really "cure" your sister's illness.)  But I say this to raise the point -- you're not doing anything to generate her behavior, nor can you do anything to stop it.  She behaves the way she does because she's ill.

Think about if you were walking down Main Street in your town doing some shopping, and a deranged homeless person started spewing hatred and vileness and abuse at you.  You wouldn't be wondering what ELSE you had to do to get this guy to stop doing this to you!    When you think of her, you need to think of her as that deranged homeless guy... .   And when you think of yourself in this relationship with your sister, try to think of yourself as the innocent person on Main Street that just happened to walk by.  She is that sick, and you're getting attacked because you just happened to end up on her street corner that day (photo on FB, Easter card, etc).  You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

The only thing you can do is set boundaries for yourself... .   Like blocking her email address.  Not taking her calls.  Blocking her phone number.  Limiting your interactions with her at family events.  Setting ground rules for how she's allowed to communicate with you (respectfully) and enforcing consequences when she doesn't follow the rules.  Things like that... .

To those of you who "officially" went no contact - what did you say? How did you put it?

I went NC with my mother 11 years ago, and with my sister 3 years ago.  I didn't say anything.  I just made my decision and stopped speaking to them.  You don't owe someone else an explanation for why you no longer want to interact with them.  They won't accept your feelings, needs, boundaries or point of view.  They will never come around and say, "Oh my goodness, I didn't realize, I'm so sorry.  Of course, you shouldn't speak to me anymore.  I'll leave you alone."  In saying something, you're just asking for another argument and more abuse.  You're hoping to have a rational, meaningful, compassionate conversation with a mentally ill person.  Sadly, it's not going to work. 

My mother reacted by leaving me a few voicemails over the next few months screaming at me that I better call her and how dare I shut her out.  Then a few years later she left me a voicemail on my birthday saying that if I wanted back in her life, she wasn't going to take me back so easily and I was going to have to grovel.  I got a card from her a few years after that, but I never opened it.  It's been pretty quiet for several years now.

My sister ignored me for the better part of the first 2 years of our NC.  Then she suddenly decided we needed to be BFF's and she started texting me every few weeks.  When I didn't respond, she got annoyed and started bad mouthing me around the family, and saying that I needed to just "get over it" and move on.  Whatever.  I eventually blocked her number because the texts were just starting to annoy me.  I just saw her for the first time in 3 years on Easter, and I just kept it professional and cordial and surface-level and we all muddled through the day just fine.  My stepmother ran interference for me and made sure I was never alone in a room with her so she couldn't make things ugly.  I got an email from her on Facebook that afternoon.  I didn't read it or respond to it.  I don't intend to.  Nothing positive can come from it, and until she gets help, it's pointless even trying.

I just want the insults and abuse to stop, and I want to know that when I visit mutual family she won't start verbal fights.

You cannot get those assurances from her.  The "control" over the situation that you're looking for, is within YOU.  The insults and abuse will stop when YOU set boundaries and make them stop.  Unfortunately, you cannot control your sister and change her -- and insults, abuse, conflict, etc are just in her nature.  While your sister may START verbal fights when you see her, that does NOT mean you have to engage in them or stick around for it.  You have the right to stay silent, walk away, leave, etc.  You don't have to react in kind, or get on her level.  You can simply respond by saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then walk into another room.  You can literally not even acknowledge what she's saying and change the subject, "That's a nice bracelet you're wearing.  Where did you get it?"  Or mention that you need to refresh your drink and go into the kitchen and start up a conversation with someone else.  (These are all tools my T prepped me with for Easter!)

I hope that helps.   

[Louise7777]

"To those of you who "officially" went no contact - what did you say? How did you put it? I'm not interested in rehashing old problems or rebuilding a relationship. I just want the insults and abuse to stop, and I want to know that when I visit mutual family she won't start verbal fights. "

I didnt say anything. I have 3 uPD relatives (aunts and cousin), who are probably BPD with narc. and histrionic traits. It went down in a different way with each of them, but I went NC or VLC without any explanation. Actually, explaining is an exercise in futility, they will never understand your reasons, they dont care about them and somehow they will find a way to blame you and rage at you.

All my 3 uPDs have in common is the extreme self-centeredness. They only cared about themselves, never asked me how I was going, what was new in my life. So, to go NC was easy, I just stopped answering their phonecalls and stopped visiting (they never visited me, not even in sickness periods). They usually came after me when they wanted or needed something. No "happy birthday" for me either. So I took the opportunity and stopped wishing them happy bdays or Christmas. I was just drained after decades of abuse, disrespect and condescending behaviour. Nothing good ever came out of  it, so it was easy to cut them and never look back.

So Im not there for them anymore. Of course it didnt go well and smooth, I know Im bad-mouthed. But thats NOTHING compared to what I had to endure while having contact with them.

They were takers and we were givers, so for me it was not hard to get away from such toxic relationships. Of course I wished I had a normal family, but I know thats impossible. Accepting what it is is very liberating.

You cant control her rage, its about HER, not about YOU. MY uPDs get very happy and relaxed after a yelling episode, while it takes me days to go back to my normal. They enjoy the fights. From what you wrote, I understand your sister is the same.

About your visiting, I go to a relative´s birthday and they are there. I learnt a lot here, read about medium chill and got many nice advice. Im not sure Im doing the best in this case, but it works for me: I even avoid eye contact. When Im addressed by them I respond cordially as if Im talking to a stranger. I keep it brief. When they try to pick a fight or give me some mean remark (they still do that) I just dont bite the bait. And I NEVER EVER remain alone with them.

They complained about my behaviour ("she didnt talk to us" to other family members  but I couldnt care less. They were used to me chasing them, trying to please them, make small talk and ask how they were doing. I felt all the work to keep the r/s was on me. I understand they are attention-seekers so they will use my "aloofness" to create drama but I dont care. I can only say I removed a huge burden from my shoulders when I stopped trying to have a warm r/s with them. Mostly, cause I was seen as something to be used. Now the source has dried up.  

I hope I helped somehow. Wish you luck.

[P.F.Change]

You moving away, doesn't cure your sister's illness.  You accomplishing great things, doesn't cure her illness.  You finding happiness for yourself, doesn't cure your sister's illness.  (Point in fact, not much will really "cure" your sister's illness.)  But I say this to raise the point -- you're not doing anything to generate her behavior, nor can you do anything to stop it.  She behaves the way she does because she's ill.

Very true.

To those of you who "officially" went no contact - what did you say? How did you put it? I'm not interested in rehashing old problems or rebuilding a relationship. I just want the insults and abuse to stop, and I want to know that when I visit mutual family she won't start verbal fights. 

Echoing what G.J. said above, asking for no contact is not going to change your sister... . it may not stop her from trying to insult or abuse you, and it won't provide any guarantee whatsoever that she won't try to pick fights with you around mutual family. If you are going to be running into her at family events, it will be good to practice how to handle hurtful comments when she makes them and how to stay centered when she tries to pick fights. There are some really good tools here that can help with that.

Here are a few:

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Do you feel no contact is your only option right now? Or are there other ways of looking after your boundaries that would allow you to maintain some minimum connection to your sister?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[cult]

today I am feeling worn out and hopeless.

I understand this.  I have been saying a lot recently that I just cannot stand the hostility in my family.  I want to move across the country and drop out of civilization, just to get away from it.  It's exhausting, demoralizing, and feels like you've been knocked down just after you finally stood up again from the last blow.  And it always seems to come unexpectedly.  Walking on eggshells, wondering what is going to provoke the next round of hysteria, is miserable.

it isn't that I'm worried about hearing from her right now. It's more that it triggers me.

I struggle with this as well... .   On the one hand, I think it's only natural to feel hurt when someone lashes out at you.  I mean, if nothing else, it's just unpleasant!  What I've been told, is to imagine the word "SICK" written on their forehead when you're talking to them or thinking about them.  This isn't a "normal" person who is genuinely upset with you.  This is someone who is truly mentally ill, and you cannot take seriously or personally anything they are saying.  It's not about you -- it's 100% completely about them.

no matter how far away I go and what I accomplish, no matter how happy I am, somebody can just start spewing hatred and vileness and abuse at you.

You moving away, doesn't cure your sister's illness.  You accomplishing great things, doesn't cure her illness.  You finding happiness for yourself, doesn't cure your sister's illness.  (Point in fact, not much will really "cure" your sister's illness.)  But I say this to raise the point -- you're not doing anything to generate her behavior, nor can you do anything to stop it.  She behaves the way she does because she's ill.

Think about if you were walking down Main Street in your town doing some shopping, and a deranged homeless person started spewing hatred and vileness and abuse at you.  You wouldn't be wondering what ELSE you had to do to get this guy to stop doing this to you!    When you think of her, you need to think of her as that deranged homeless guy... .   And when you think of yourself in this relationship with your sister, try to think of yourself as the innocent person on Main Street that just happened to walk by.  She is that sick, and you're getting attacked because you just happened to end up on her street corner that day (photo on FB, Easter card, etc).  You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

The only thing you can do is set boundaries for yourself... .   Like blocking her email address.  Not taking her calls.  Blocking her phone number.  Limiting your interactions with her at family events.  Setting ground rules for how she's allowed to communicate with you (respectfully) and enforcing consequences when she doesn't follow the rules.  Things like that... .

To those of you who "officially" went no contact - what did you say? How did you put it?

I went NC with my mother 11 years ago, and with my sister 3 years ago.  I didn't say anything.  I just made my decision and stopped speaking to them.  You don't owe someone else an explanation for why you no longer want to interact with them.  They won't accept your feelings, needs, boundaries or point of view.  They will never come around and say, "Oh my goodness, I didn't realize, I'm so sorry.  Of course, you shouldn't speak to me anymore.  I'll leave you alone."  In saying something, you're just asking for another argument and more abuse.  You're hoping to have a rational, meaningful, compassionate conversation with a mentally ill person.  Sadly, it's not going to work. 

My mother reacted by leaving me a few voicemails over the next few months screaming at me that I better call her and how dare I shut her out.  Then a few years later she left me a voicemail on my birthday saying that if I wanted back in her life, she wasn't going to take me back so easily and I was going to have to grovel.  I got a card from her a few years after that, but I never opened it.  It's been pretty quiet for several years now.

My sister ignored me for the better part of the first 2 years of our NC.  Then she suddenly decided we needed to be BFF's and she started texting me every few weeks.  When I didn't respond, she got annoyed and started bad mouthing me around the family, and saying that I needed to just "get over it" and move on.  Whatever.  I eventually blocked her number because the texts were just starting to annoy me.  I just saw her for the first time in 3 years on Easter, and I just kept it professional and cordial and surface-level and we all muddled through the day just fine.  My stepmother ran interference for me and made sure I was never alone in a room with her so she couldn't make things ugly.  I got an email from her on Facebook that afternoon.  I didn't read it or respond to it.  I don't intend to.  Nothing positive can come from it, and until she gets help, it's pointless even trying.

I just want the insults and abuse to stop, and I want to know that when I visit mutual family she won't start verbal fights.

You cannot get those assurances from her.  The "control" over the situation that you're looking for, is within YOU.  The insults and abuse will stop when YOU set boundaries and make them stop.  Unfortunately, you cannot control your sister and change her -- and insults, abuse, conflict, etc are just in her nature.  While your sister may START verbal fights when you see her, that does NOT mean you have to engage in them or stick around for it.  You have the right to stay silent, walk away, leave, etc.  You don't have to react in kind, or get on her level.  You can simply respond by saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then walk into another room.  You can literally not even acknowledge what she's saying and change the subject, "That's a nice bracelet you're wearing.  Where did you get it?"  Or mention that you need to refresh your drink and go into the kitchen and start up a conversation with someone else.  (These are all tools my T prepped me with for Easter!)

I hope that helps.   

This REALLY helped me today - thanks!

[TwilightVelvet]

Sounds like my sister. She sent me a super nasty email and cussed at me over me giving presents to my child for her birthday. Because she says, I "rub it in her face" and her kids "will get jealous." So she won't let them come to the party. She said some vile things and hurt me and she just writes the other day, "Sorry I'm such a PITA I just feel bad I can't get presents for my kids... . " I keep telling her, I'm not you, you're not me. I'm not competing with you... .

no point. I haven't talked to her or responded since she insulted me and my daughter and husband in that email.

[lost and found]

Thank you, thank you all! I've been laying low for a week now, for some reason this really knocked the stuffings out of me. Not at all the worst incident I've been through, but maybe I've reached my limits? G.J., thank you for your response, I know that a card isn't much, but if anything can help some kids who are going through what we went through, than it is certainly worth the blowback from mama. G.J., Louise 7777, PF Change, thanks also for the reminder that 1) its not all about me - her rages have to do with her, not me, and 2) whatever I do is not going to change her. Life lessons that I am slowly taking in. TwilightVelvet, sounds like we are in similar situations. Support from you all, a little laying low for the week and a therapy session have really helped me to gain some perspective on my relationship with my sis (and my mom, who is calmer now but acted just like sis when we were growing up). I've been giving my power away by buying into whatever they have raged at me about, instead of realizing that it is their problem. My sister triggers me like crazy because she reminds me of my mom, and how scared I felt when she raged at me. And finally, I get to pick who I want to be in contact with. Funny, I never saw myself as the person who got to make that choice - I could approach or not approach my family, but didn't feel like I could really set a limit with them. So I blocked her email. She never calls, and the machine screens anyway so calls aren't a problem. She doesn't have my cell number. As my therapist pointed out, this person does not wish me well, she is in fact so jealous of anything good happening to me (or others) that she's reached the point of wishing me harm, and I can decide if I want to interact with her or not. I think I really needed a a bit of a shock to not feel guilty in deciding not to accept abuse. Thank you guys for your support, and sharing your stories of how you went no-or-low contact, it really helped me out.