Left him for good

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I finally did it! I haven't been here for awhile, because I went back. He broke up with me after I told him I wouldn't have threesomes with him (he accused me of not loving him the same) I expressed my hurt... which caused him to tell us we'll never work ect... ect...

After that... (still madly in love) he downgraded me to FWB essentially. what happened here was a call once a week... . to have sex... (he would usually buy me lunch or give me gas like 50$ bucks worth) It would be mind blowing sex, very emotional, lots of cuddling and kissing... . so it was confusing and felt like a relationship.

It was going well for him... he got the perks without having the responsibility... .

It kept weighing on me... and he had asked me to go to lunch with him (again what felt like a date without actually dating almost felt like he would always buy me something to get sex. all though I could just be feeling insecure). I agreed to the date... but it just didn't sit well... He called me immediately after I blocked him on face book, a desperate attempt to let go. And we had a discussion... . well I did... (in an adult manner) how I felt used sexually... I felt like he didn't even like me anymore but just wanted sex. that I couldn't do it ect... ect...

He was respectful... he said he still wanted to be friends and would give me space... ( I explained I couldn't handle being friends) then he offered to disappear... . like it was nothing for him! (Mind you he said 3 sentences the whole phone call.) I told him I didn't like it I rarely saw him anymore... . he got defensive then and claimed it was because he worked late... . and slept during the day (mind you he would have 4 days off in a row and see me ONE of those days! for sex usually!) I told him I loved him and said, "but you don't feel the same do you?" He responded, "I don't even know what love is" (very calmly) oh that hurt soo badly! He had been claiming to love me for a very long time... . I cried for a long time, and he just said "I don't know what to say." 

After that I said I needed him to get his stuff sooner than later so that I can let go... . He said he would "probably" get it next day... . that wasn't good enough... I went to his house next day to drop it off... he told me how nice I looked and that was really it... he said he "felt" like he should say something... . but he did nothing ... didn't chase me... didn't tell me how much he loved me... that it was a mistake...  nothing.

That was 14 days ago now... no contact since. It's really hard... I walked away and meant it... but it hurt so much that he didn't fight for me... . It literally made me feel like he didn't care about me in anyway... . like he placed no value on me.  I did unblock him from facebook... . in which he promptly blocked me in return. It wasn't even a fight... . I told him I loved him... cried when he said he couldn't... .  It just confirms he has no value on me and doesn't want to speak to me. At first I thought maybe he was playing a game... by blocking me... but now I just think he hates me, wants nothing to do with me ect... .

Even when I gave him his stuff he was nice... it's not like I abandoned him... he had a chance... . he just didn't take it... .

confused but... I'm trying.

I'm trying... .

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I finally did it! I haven't been here for awhile, because I went back. He broke up with me after I told him I wouldn't have threesomes with him (he accused me of not loving him the same) I expressed my hurt... which caused him to tell us we'll never work ect... ect...

After that... (still madly in love) he downgraded me to FWB essentially. what happened here was a call once a week... . to have sex... (he would usually buy me lunch or give me gas like 50$ bucks worth) It would be mind blowing sex, very emotional, lots of cuddling and kissing... . so it was confusing and felt like a relationship.

It was going well for him... he got the perks without having the responsibility... .

It kept weighing on me... and he had asked me to go to lunch with him (again what felt like a date without actually dating almost felt like he would always buy me something to get sex. all though I could just be feeling insecure). I agreed to the date... but it just didn't sit well... He called me immediately after I blocked him on face book, a desperate attempt to let go. And we had a discussion... . well I did... (in an adult manner) how I felt used sexually... I felt like he didn't even like me anymore but just wanted sex. that I couldn't do it ect... ect...

He was respectful... he said he still wanted to be friends and would give me space... ( I explained I couldn't handle being friends) then he offered to disappear... . like it was nothing for him! (Mind you he said 3 sentences the whole phone call.) I told him I didn't like it I rarely saw him anymore... . he got defensive then and claimed it was because he worked late... . and slept during the day (mind you he would have 4 days off in a row and see me ONE of those days! for sex usually!) I told him I loved him and said, "but you don't feel the same do you?" He responded, "I don't even know what love is" (very calmly) oh that hurt soo badly! He had been claiming to love me for a very long time... . I cried for a long time, and he just said "I don't know what to say." 

After that I said I needed him to get his stuff sooner than later so that I can let go... . He said he would "probably" get it next day... . that wasn't good enough... I went to his house next day to drop it off... he told me how nice I looked and that was really it... he said he "felt" like he should say something... . but he did nothing ... didn't chase me... didn't tell me how much he loved me... that it was a mistake...  nothing.

That was 14 days ago now... no contact since. It's really hard... I walked away and meant it... but it hurt so much that he didn't fight for me... . It literally made me feel like he didn't care about me in anyway... . like he placed no value on me.  I did unblock him from facebook... . in which he promptly blocked me in return. It wasn't even a fight... . I told him I loved him... cried when he said he couldn't... .  It just confirms he has no value on me and doesn't want to speak to me. At first I thought maybe he was playing a game... by blocking me... but now I just think he hates me, wants nothing to do with me ect... .

Even when I gave him his stuff he was nice... it's not like I abandoned him... he had a chance... . he just didn't take it... .

confused but... I'm trying.

I'm trying... .

[1KitKat]

I feel for you, Hurt.  I went through a lot of the same thing; not as regularly as you did, but I was baited with sex and treated like an alien the next day until I realized what was going on.

In my case, I do think that he had feelings for me but he didn't know what they were anymore because of his own self-loathing.  There was something there, a long time ago, but now it's gone for him except that I think he feels that he's going to lose big when we divorce.  He's afraid he'll lose his grounding.  But still he baits me... .   until last week when I stopped it.  I had to remember constantly that limited contact meant just that... .   limited contact.  I have limited our conv's to business-related items, that's it.  I have stopped couple's therapy - he can go by himself now.  I move forward, just a little bit, every day, so I really, really hear you when you say 'I'm trying'. 

Keep writing. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thanks for responding... . he looked sad (but I could be misreading) when I brought his stuff back. He also made an intentional sad face at me... I don't know if it was mock empathy like (I know you're hurt sorry) or if it was his attempt at saying (without words) I don't want you to go.

But he knows he can't give me what I want soo...

It was really difficult b/c our last few weeks were really good... and "loving" the way I wanted it to feel in the actual relationship... other than the limited contact part. He just seemed to have lost his excitement, but loved having sex with me. He chased me for 3 years... I was out of his league... after dealing with hot guy after hot guy who sucked and him always being there... I started seeing him as attractive. Then I fell in love.

Screw the theory that girls never give the "nice guy" a chance... that's what I did, and I got burned.

Feel totally discarded even though I walked away.

[Banshee]

Your story is my story for the past 5 months... . he kept asking to be friends scared I "hated" him but when I would leave his house after a good night ... he withdrew didn't have much to say... I felt used.

I said apparently you don't love me the same way I love you... his response ... I don't know how you love me... that was the first time around the second ... he dabbled about friends then let it go ... it was me asking to be friends where he would say i don't know how to be friends... he would say this bc he didn't have much to say and never texted first.

I went 10 days no contact and broke it on Easter ... I was shocked because the longest we went without contact was 3 days... I just knew we would atleast have a decent conversation.Nope same not caring attitude.

I broke down and told him how I would give him space and time and I loved him... I was being "nice" because he always said I was mean... his reply to my nice message? Going to bed I'm tired. That was it for me and I have been ever since... this is a wonderful place ... I'm on day 3 of NC ... I refuse to keep doing this to myself.

Hang in there there is alot of caring people here that will help you through this mind F... . k. Oops sorry but that's what it feel like to me!

Sending you hugs

[HappyNihilist]

Hurtbeyondrepair, I am so sorry.   Your story touched me in a lot of ways.

You should be very proud of yourself for deciding to take back your time, life, and emotions from this person who has hurt you so much. I know that it's painful and confusing, but I promise you that it gets better.

I told him I loved him and said, "but you don't feel the same do you?" He responded, "I don't even know what love is" (very calmly) oh that hurt soo badly! He had been claiming to love me for a very long time... . I cried for a long time, and he just said "I don't know what to say." 

Oh, this sucks, sweetie, I know.    One of the last things I said to my exbf was, "I wish I meant as much to you as you do to me." He didn't even respond.  :'(

The sad truth is probably that it's very true -- he doesn't really know what love is, for himself. For a pwBPD, it's extremely difficult to process, manage, and understand emotions. And, perhaps most critically, they can't TRUST their own emotions.

It's really hard... I walked away and meant it... but it hurt so much that he didn't fight for me... . It literally made me feel like he didn't care about me in anyway... . like he placed no value on me. 

This also really hit home for me. I said to him that I would always fight for us, for him... . and it nearly killed me when I realized that he wouldn't do the same.

I know it's hard, especially right now when you're full of hurt and confusion, but I want you to know that his devaluation of you is HIS ISSUE. It does not reflect your value in one bit. He is disordered; he is hurtful to you. Don't let his issues make you doubt who you are, how much value you have.

You will get through this, and we will be here to help. 

Hang in there there is alot of caring people here that will help you through this mind F... . k. Oops sorry but that's what it feel like to me!

That's because... . that's what it is. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thanks u guys. I really love him its a struggle most days not to contact but im getting better

Its hard to believe he didnt care... . I know he did... . So confusing he didnt fight for me. I wanted him to but vowed to myself that if he didnt I was letting go. I deserve so much more  I reallu do love him though which is why I know I can let go. He tells me im beautiful makes a sad face then watches me walk away... .  so confusing. 

Im wondering if he ll contact again... . But I dont think he will seems as tho he is done with me.

I wish this love wasnt unrequited. Him being honest was beautiful and disheartening. So it made me love him more... He could have lied told me he loved me to keep getting sex... . But he was honest. Confused as to why he blocked me bothers me... So many questions... . Very little clarity due to his decision to keep his words very limited which was also highly baffling and painful.

[HappyNihilist]

I would call my exBDF respectful and honest in his own way, too. And yes, I do love him. That doesn't mean that he's not also toxic for me.

Its hard to believe he didnt care... . I know he did... . So confusing he didnt fight for me. I wanted him to but vowed to myself that if he didnt I was letting go. I deserve so much more  I reallu do love him though which is why I know I can let go. He tells me im beautiful makes a sad face then watches me walk away... .  so confusing. 

You recognize that you deserve so much more. You deserve better treatment. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to one day find someone who will fight alongside you in life.

I wish this love wasnt unrequited. Him being honest was beautiful and disheartening. So it made me love him more... He could have lied told me he loved me to keep getting sex... . But he was honest.

One of my favorite quotes is from Sophocles' Oedipus Rex, when the prophet Tiresias says, "How dreadful knowledge of the truth can be when there is no help in truth."

Sometimes what we see as openness and honesty is actually cruelty of its own sort. I agree that no one should lie and say they love someone when they're not sure or when they don't -- but there is a better way to treat people. There is a gentler type of honesty.

Confused as to why he blocked me bothers me... So many questions... . Very little clarity due to his decision to keep his words very limited which was also highly baffling and painful.

It's perfectly natural to have so many questions. Keep asking them of yourself. Keep processing through your feelings. You will most likely never get closure from him. You will have to find your own closure.

I know it's confusing and painful right now. Let yourself feel your feelings. Get them out; work with them. This is how you will find your answers and eventually your freedom. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thank you so mich for responding! I need all the help I can get... I really appreciate it! Its interesting you say it was possibly covert cruelty... . After he said that I cried like a baby... . He said nothing... . No comfort... . Nothing. But he didnt seem angry... .

Maybe he was pissed bc I wasnt going to allow him to keep sleeping with me and I was walking away.

The next day when I left his house again the "you look nice" comment then sad face... . But no words! When I went up the stairs I looked back and he had a very cold stare in hos face couldnt read him. He witheld words. I am just so confused why he chose that route. I also dont understand the cruelty I didnt want to leave... . But,i had to after he told me he didnt love me... . I mean come on... I have got to have some self respect... . Cant he understand that?

He told me on phone he cpuldnt be with me also bc hes mentally ill... I told him that was just an excuse... He didnt respond. He didnt want to be held accountable... I always took up for myself... . I never just let him get away with treating me badly. It was too much work for him... . But he was still physically attracted and loved the sex... . He was so sweet when we were just sleeping together... But it was once a week... . And he was cold on the phone (would get off in 10 mins when we used to talk for hours) he stopped talking to me... He withheld too much... I was suffering greatly I had to let go. Cant he see that? I mean cant he understand that I loved him wanted him and ok nly "abandoned" him bc of his lack,of reciprocation? It almost angers me.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

A part of me really wants his validation since he left so silently. For him to contact and say he didnt mean it ect... . He helped me through some of my roughest... . So its a hard pill to swallow that he was that ok with me walking away... .  

Saying he could disappear... (like it was an easy option for him!) Even wanting to be friends is a slap... How is it I cant handle that but he would totally be ok after experiencing all of me... . Watching me give that to someone else... Tomorrow is 15 days. Im letting go. I cant helo the faint longing and wish for clarification however.

When iv left him before it was only a day or two before he was contacting me.

Its beem 14. Hes probably painted me black and discarded me. So hurtful when my only crime was sincerely loving him.

and he wanted my love! I would have never gave it had he,not pursued it to begin with... And he had to work so hard for,it! Why not keep it? So confusing... .

We were friends for 3 years before all this... We loved spending time even when we werent together.


Just so hurt and confused.

[Banshee]

Saying he could disappear...

What is it with their words of choice! DISAPPEAR Mine would ask while together what would you do If I just disappeared and stopped all contact? I said I would come to your house... duh... he just smiled and said oh yea... . he has asked me this several times though.

After breaking up he would say do you want me to disappear because I can! I'm just blown away at the things they say alike...

our longest was 3 ... . then 10... do not contact you will lose those days and have to start back at 1 ... im going on 3 still have 7 more to get back to where I screwed up ... it's hard but hold on and stay here... he will contact you I'm sure ... be stronger than his illness

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

His exact words "if you want me to disappear I can" dont get it either! They are all very similar yes!

[Banshee]

Just one more thing I realized ... they do hear your words about loving them and they believe it so don't let him make you think differently.

I text my ex after the first break up when he didn't respond I called I said something to the effect of "it's not like I want you" He said laughing yes you do , it wouldn't matter if it was 6 months from now and your married you would still want me  and come back to me. So there you go... they know we do.And it makes it easier for them to string us along.

I just hope with everyday of no contact that his ole swollen head deflates.   

[HappyNihilist]

So hurtful when my only crime was sincerely loving him.

and he wanted my love! I would have never gave it had he,not pursued it to begin with... And he had to work so hard for,it! Why not keep it? So confusing... .

Your words touch me deeply, Hurt. This is exactly how I felt with my exbf. I did make him work for it. He had to work very hard to earn my trust, my openness, the dissolution of the walls I'd spent my entire life carefully constructing. And all I wanted to do was love him. I didn't want to try to change him or "fix" him; I know that's impossible. I thought, What more could someone want, but to be loved and accepted and understood? That's all I want, after all.

I had to step back and realize that he doesn't want/need the same things I do, because he does not see the world the way I do.

Don't see this as a rejection of your love, of the beautiful person you are. His issues on this matter are his own. He can't trust or manage his own emotions.

We were friends for 3 years before all this... We loved spending time even when we werent together.

I understand this completely. My exbf and I were friends before we were in a r/s together. We always genuinely enjoyed each other's company and companionship. It's hard to have to lose that, along with everything else. But I had to acknowledge that nothing could ever be "the same" now. We each would bring too much into any type of interaction or r/s now.

His exact words "if you want me to disappear I can" dont get it either! They are all very similar yes!

Oh yes, I've heard this, too.

It really is almost frightening how similar so many stories are. One of the many reasons these boards really helped me to step back, process, and heal.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thats what I told him... He said "do,u need space" as in resume the friendship later...

I told him it was too late. I cant be downgraded to a friendship I just cant. Bc I love him too much... Ill just be trying to look/act perfect to win him back the whole time it would be too stressful... .

And banshee I def agred. When I would tell him I loved him sometimes his response was "i know,you do" its like: thanks.

He was also a virgin I was his first. Most women are not attracted to him (i love his looks even tho hes over weight ect loved his lips... Very noce face) mostly bc ge doesnt take care of himself. I accepted so many things. He always wanted that and when he got it (and with a girl he found attractive) he threw it away.

I feel empathy for him... Bc one day ill love again... .

He can find someone great and still drop the ball.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Everday is so damn hard... .  woke up thinking about him now I cant sleep. Wanting to look at his facebook (thinking it not acting on it)

Hurting... . Thinking about how he doesnt care... . How I was nothing but an object to him... . almost in tears. I hate loving him. Why cant I switch it off like he can?

I miss him so much... . The hurt runs so deep.

[1KitKat]

You can't switch it off because you are a normal person with  normal emotions.  Maybe get some coffee or tea going if you can't sleep?  It's Saturday; if you don't work today perhaps just get out of the house if you can.  I have several very good friends who help me in situations like this by distracting me. 

This is like AA:  tell yourself that it's one day at a time.  For instance, tell yourself right now;  'today, I will not check his FB status, I will not contact him etc... . '.  Limit yourself to today, and then tomorrow tell yourself the same thing.  It really did work for me - maybe it will work for you?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thank you  I was just thinking of making hot tea... . Ill go to gym at 10 then maybe the library... . Try to distract myself today. Is it bad im feeling hurt he hasnt attempted to contact me?  Day 15  I count everday like im counting reps lifting weights begging for it to be over. I hate living my life like this.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

 ugh I just remembered the last time I looked at his page one of his posts was "if you have a crush on me... What exactly made you lower your standards so much" it was so insulting first off labeling it as a "crush" and it just illuminates how unrequited it was. He was so caring and loving at times.  I actually believed he loved me with no doubts in my mind at first.

[1KitKat]

Tea, gym and library.  Perfect!  

It is perfect for you to feel hurt that he has not contacted you.  Sit with that emotion and breathe through it (I know that this sounds weird, but if you meditate on it, you can actually process the emotion, realize that it is valid for you and then shift it out of your body - until the next time it shows up and you do the same thing again).  :)o you know how to meditate?  It's not for everyone, but it surely has helped me.  I also get my stuff out on the treadmill!  My girlfriend gets it out by running cross-country.  

The spectrum of your emotions is completely normal.  From passive, to reasonable, to disbelief, to hurt, to rage -  all of it.  It's got to be processed, not circumvented.  It really sucks, but going through, and not around, will be a big payoff for you in the future.  :)on't forget to breathe, sister.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thank you for validating my emotions that put me in tears. I felt for a moment I could release them bc,i,didnt feel the shame in feeling them. Thank you for that. My therapist wanta me to try meditation/mindfulness techniques... I love the morning so maybe this is a good time to start them. I live in the gym right now... . I was active before but felt reallu insecure about my body after him... . (started off tellung me I was beautiful which eventually turned into "im just kiddin" jokes about my looks) I have issues with my looks bc that was the only attention I got growing up which gave me a huge complex and he knows it. I was getting more active for the wrong reasons... But I refuse to take anti depressants and the gym has turnes into a positove thing now... . A natural mood elevator and im seeing results. Just trying to work on myself inside and out. Still very hard though... .

Thank you

[1KitKat]

I joined an inner journey community where I live, and it saved my life.  Meditation might be an answer for you.  I have gotten to the point where I feel my emotions as physical pain, and I shift them out of my body through meditate (until they revisit, that is... .   then I do it again).  It sound weird until you get the hang of it.  I can actually ditch my headaches now (I get them a lot).

Tears are good, by the way.  Physical evidence of the pain that you are processing.