I'm a facebook stalker

[BuildingFromScratch]

I hate to admit this. I'm crazy myself, partially because I always was and partially because of the relationship. I elevated her to god like status and then she crushed me, blamed me for everything and did a ton of terrible things. This whole relationship has destroyed me so thoroughly.

I used to be so trusting and empathetic, but now I'm just not. I have sent something like 7000 messages to her on facebook. Which she ignored. I honestly would have probably killed myself if I had not done so. I feel rather guilty about it, because I know it's wrong to harass her. She is married and gone... . I hadn't sent her any messages in months and then broke down and did it last night. I suppose it's not useful to feel guilt about it. But remorse is good. How do you guys control yourselves when you have so many unresolved issues and no closure? How do you deal with feeling so low and broken? How do you give up a delusional faith?

[HappyNihilist]

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain, BuildingFromScratch. 

You were in a r/s with this person for 13 years. It's incredibly painful and confusing to have a r/s end, particularly a r/s with a disordered person, particularly one that ends with no sense of closure.

Did anything in particular trigger you to reach out to her?

I hate to admit this. I'm crazy myself, partially because I always was and partially because of the relationship. I elevated her to god like status and then she crushed me, blamed me for everything and did a ton of terrible things. This whole relationship has destroyed me so thoroughly.

Don't let her have that power over you. I know that it feels like you've been destroyed, because the end of such a r/s is an emotional devastation. I've been there, too. Believe me. I've been in those very, very dark places. It gets better. You have power over yourself. No one else can destroy you.

I used to be so trusting and empathetic, but now I'm just not. I have sent something like 7000 messages to her on facebook. Which she ignored. I honestly would have probably killed myself if I had not done so. I feel rather guilty about it, because I know it's wrong to harass her. She is married and gone... . I hadn't sent her any messages in months and then broke down and did it last night. I suppose it's not useful to feel guilt about it. But remorse is good.

How are you feeling right now? Are you still having any suicidal thoughts? If you find yourself continuing to struggle with those, I urge you to call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Like these boards, the hotline is completely anonymous and nonjudgmental and helps you process through your thoughts, feelings, and situations.

It's very good that you recognized that feeling in yourself, and you did something else to focus your energy. Don't beat yourself up over it. Instead, start thinking about other things you might be able to do to focus that energy and get your thoughts out. Maybe write letters to her and then destroy them? Maybe take a drive with music blasting?

How do you guys control yourselves when you have so many unresolved issues and no closure? How do you deal with feeling so low and broken? How do you give up a delusional faith?

Practicing Detachment techniques helps me a lot. Mindfulness. The key to healing is being able to extricate yourself -- not just physically, but emotionally and mentally -- from this person and the r/s.

I'd recommend reading the board's Lessons on Detaching from the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

Abandonment Cycle The Five Stages

Shattering - Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you’ll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You’ve been Severed from your primary attachment. You’re cut off from your emotional life-line.

Withdrawal – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin Withdrawal – - each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

Internalizing – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

Anger – the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of Rage against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner.

Lifting – your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you’ve Learned. And if you’re engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.

Also, I personally found this article, Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts, very helpful for me as I was working through my depression: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a112.htm

I hope this helps some. Remember, we're always here for you. 

[BuildingFromScratch]

Thanks for your thoughtful response. I don't feel suicidal right now. If it continues I will reach out more. I suffer from a lot of disassociation and anxiety, it makes it hard to heal. I haven't even been with her for like three years. And she moved out of my house about a year ago.  I will continue trying to relax, meditate and just be easy on myself. Your post helped me some, along with your suggestions. Thanks again.

[mar22]

My relationship lasted 7yrs, she left me and within a week was dating another guy. Facebook is horrible since I get the urge to look at her profile and his profile... . so I blocked them.

Sometimes I slip and take a peek, but it just leads to more disappointment. I've started to rationalize that this will not help me, and writing her now is just plain stupid since she will blame me for damaging her new relationship (which she already has). Its best just to try to forget and move on... . It hurts but oh well, it must be done.

[Dutched]

Don’t hate yourself BFS. It your grieving process. Sadly enough a process a deep hurting process we have to go through.  Don’t rush it, take the advices form this Board. We understand. Family, friends, although so supporting do not understand the essence of what we experienced. It is beyond understanding as it almost is for us.

Myself after +30yrs r/s and 3 yrs out now, am still not completely healed, still not. Had a major setback a month ago and felt as being in stage 1 again. It hurts, keeps hurting, but in time less and less.

I have sent many mails too, to get her back, to let her see the devastating consequences for my kids, financially, etc. It took her 9 months to file for divorce after she left (giving me a false sense of hope in my mind). She acted totally dissociative, still in certain ways (as told by my son) .

Do I regret my behaviour?

No, as I tried to keep my love and family together, was fighting for it (the way I saw it).

Yes in a way, in retrospect, as I knew about BPD. I was (and am) split black and there was no face to face possibility anymore, so I couldn’t reach her, couldn’t  reach her emotional side anymore. 

I know it might be silly, I found part of my healing in the fact knowing that she would not find what she was looking for. She didn’t…

In your case, although she already is married again, comfort (as hard as it is) yourself for now that the replacement is a soother. She will never be able to let that replacement come that close, to trust, etc. as she did with you.

Besides her “legal status” of being married, part of the emotional effect you have on her is that she feels a way in control. Feels you are “weak”, giving her more confidence about her “right” choice. It’s comforting her... .   you as split black, replacement even more shining white.

Please do not give her that pleasure. 

Block her and mutual friends on that FB. It really helps a lot.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Thank you everyone. I wanted to respond to Dutch about something. You know what is the hardest part of it all is? Even my counselors think I'm over-inflating things. They just cannot understand. They want me to get over it quickly, it's not gonna happen. I was destroyed almost completely and left as a shell of a person. No one really understands because the truth is the whole thing is the most sinister crap ever. And what makes it even harder to move beyond is I know the truth. That she's just sick... . and I can't paint her black because I know she has a good soul. I need to start getting more pissed off and angry though. Because honestly, this is total BS that anyone would do this to me. There's no freaking excuse to treat someone so poorly who is understanding enough to put up with such craziness!

[trappedinlove]

Thank you everyone. I wanted to respond to Dutch about something. You know what is the hardest part of it all is? Even my counselors think I'm over-inflating things. They just cannot understand. They want me to get over it quickly, it's not gonna happen. I was destroyed almost completely and left as a shell of a person. No one really understands because the truth is the whole thing is the most sinister crap ever.

BuildingFromScratch, I understand you very well.  I felt the exact same thing.

Take you time man.  This relationship was obviously very important to you and a huge loss so no wonder it hurts so much.  That is perfectly OK.  Ending such an important relationship and in such a way is supposed to hurt and don't be afraid to experience the pain to its fullest, otherwise it might decay but it will never go completely away.  It is a natural part of the grief process.

And what makes it even harder to move beyond is I know the truth. That she's just sick... . and I can't paint her black because I know she has a good soul. I need to start getting more pissed off and angry though. Because honestly, this is total BS that anyone would do this to me. There's no freaking excuse to treat someone so poorly who is understanding enough to put up with such craziness!

Wow, we react so similarly.

I finally got angry at her yesterday and the day before for the way she treated me and the way she is ignoring me right now (which is probably a good thing as it helps with remaining in LC and get to NC ).

Anyhow, it felt good for it.  Finally my emotional survival instincts are starting to show up.

I had a mini breakthrough regarding this last week when I was quite depressed as a friend of mine asked me what I think about unconditional love and unconditional acceptance.  She is coming from her odd r/s with an asperger bf and I'm with my uBPDxso craziness whom I love dearly and unconditionally and keep getting hurt by her choices and behavior. So my conclusion was that there is a very important difference between unconditionally accepting someone just the way they are, without needing or wanting to change them, and AGREEING with their behavior.  I learn to accept the facts the way they are (as I have no control over anything but myself) and choose what I agree with and what I do not.  I get to choose who and what I want to be close to and what I want to get away from.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Trapped: I agree with everything you are saying. We gotta get pissed until that serves no use anymore! I'm sorry you've had to deal with similar things and are struggling too. I hope you feel better. I do wish I had more courage to face my pain. Every time I do, my family and counselor basically want me to get over it already, which just makes it harder to move beyond. I also felt EXTREMELY suicidal at one point. I literally had to make a place in my mind where she exists with me always and then believe it was true to handle it.

[Dutched]

BFS, I relate to that. I questioned my T after a couple of sessions, as she was “astonished” about the story I was telling, although she had knowledge about BPD.

Friends, family are now asking (some even wondering…) haven’t you found a GF yet? Just saying no not looking, not being desperate to be in a r/s.

    They know the story, don’t understand, nor can imagine the impact our long r/s had on us, but also will have on my kids (besides the “normal” life long consequences kids have from ANY divorce, they had a mother with BPD).

A few yrs. before her breaking up, I was seeing a T too (we were he ones that are crazy…) who made me aware of BPD. So attended a local support Group, found this Board (reader only) and learned techniques to canalize her, to live my life. Outbursts minimized to 1 a yr.

BUT they also made me aware to prepare myself that she could leave all of a sudden…  A shock, how to prepare when you are so deeply in love? Always been an amazing woman in general…

Now the hard part for us. How can she do what she did? Easy answer, they are disordered. BUT is doesn’t stop there to accept, to understand, despite of all logic and support on this Board (and in my local group).

   “it is not personal to you” “it is within them” … etc.

They did it to us, that is the fact.

As those students who were shot by those idiots with a gun? Getting killed, paralyzed for life? A student paralyzed for life who must accept “it was not personal”…?  “you just happened to be there”…? 

I never got any comfort at all out of those clichés.

I did however got comfort with the fact that I was the dearest (they only do it to them). Comfort in gaining so much insight in myself, growing, how deeply I can love, care and feel responsible. Comfort in having done a “good job” in my r/s  for my kids/family !

That made me better, stronger (despite my anger and grieving)

Compared with other deeply grieving members who were “just” in a very short r/s and who are suffering as much as I do/did gives me somehow the right to grieve over the loss of my family for a longer period. It strengthen my believe of having been involved in a very close and for me rewarding r/s. 

I suffer, still, not because of her in a way, because of the loss of my family, my kids who I wanted to give old fashioned parents (grant parents later) but who will now only have a father or a mother…

Personally additional suffering as my D22 left with mom… don’t see her anymore (same as mom when she in an outburst left her parents when she was 18yrs….  history repeats…)

[StayPositive]

I know how it feels.  It’s complete madness.  My exgf/ then friend left after 15 years with an email “I think this doesn’t work”. I sent her 30 messages or so, invited her to theatre, day trips, dinner, just to talk.  No response and no sense of closure!  At one point I noticed that I crossed the road and a car nearly hit me, and I didn’t feel anything.  It’s this unconscious suicidal thoughts that are so frightening.  Now I know that she has BPD (I found out about this 3 months ago). 

The way how I tackle it is to tell me that whatever she will do, she will fail.  Even if she one day marries, this never will last because nobody will put up with this in the long term.  Just tell yourself the same and be lucky that you are not the one that will get divorced sooner or later.

StayPositive 

[TitaniumPhoebe]

I found it helped when I blocked my ex-husband on facebook. then I couldn't see all the ridiculous lies and ugly things he was posting about me on facebook. I also had people that were mutual friends sending it to me and while I wanted to know, it's good now that most of them have stopped doing it or he's stopped posting that crap.  I was accused of cheating, being willing to cheat on him for the "right price," having my goal in life to be a prostitute, etc. I t was ridiculous.  I actually did go through a process where I stopped feeling sorry for him (which is why I kept going back every time I'd leave and run to my mom's scared by his behavior) and started getting PISSED!  I think that is a natural progression of feelings, to start to be angry over everything a person has put you through, but then I had to learn not to let the anger consume me.  Somehow just expressing it to my therapist helped.  Are you seeing a therapist?

[Emelie Emelie]

Oh Dutch, you have the "right" to grieve as long as you need to.  It takes as long as it takes.  I was in one of those "shorter" rs.  Our first break up was after a year of dating.  I was still a mess a couple of months later.  There were people in my life who were all like "Get over it already".  I don't think I stopped grieving until he started trying to "get me back" which was about three months later.  So I'm not sure how long it would have gone on that time. 

I am going to attempt to be more private in my grief this time around.  More circumspect about who I share my feelings with.  But this is a safe place. 

[toomanytears]

Don’t hate yourself BFS. It your grieving process. Sadly enough a process a deep hurting process we have to go through.  Don’t rush it, take the advices form this Board. We understand. Family, friends, although so supporting do not understand the essence of what we experienced. It is beyond understanding as it almost is for us.

Myself after +30yrs r/s and 3 yrs out now, am still not completely healed, still not. Had a major setback a month ago and felt as being in stage 1 again. It hurts, keeps hurting, but in time less and less.

I have sent many mails too, to get her back, to let her see the devastating consequences for my kids, financially, etc. It took her 9 months to file for divorce after she left (giving me a false sense of hope in my mind). She acted totally dissociative, still in certain ways (as told by my son) .

Do I regret my behaviour?

No, as I tried to keep my love and family together, was fighting for it (the way I saw it).

Yes in a way, in retrospect, as I knew about BPD. I was (and am) split black and there was no face to face possibility anymore, so I couldn’t reach her, couldn’t  reach her emotional side anymore. 

I know it might be silly, I found part of my healing in the fact knowing that she would not find what she was looking for. She didn’t…

In your case, although she already is married again, comfort (as hard as it is) yourself for now that the replacement is a soother. She will never be able to let that replacement come that close, to trust, etc. as she did with you.

Besides her “legal status” of being married, part of the emotional effect you have on her is that she feels a way in control. Feels you are “weak”, giving her more confidence about her “right” choice. It’s comforting her... .   you as split black, replacement even more shining white.

Please do not give her that pleasure. 

Block her and mutual friends on that FB. It really helps a lot.

So good to read these and know I am not alone with the FB thing. I have started to become a bit obsessed with it - I have messaged my replacement a few times - no response - just to implore with her to hurry him along on the divorce. He submitted papers but has now stalled. I am going to have to get my solicitor to counter serve - what a waste of time and money!

Dutch I've also been in a long r'ship (31 years). I am having such a hard time working out what the hell I was doing all those years hooked up with such a conartist (I've since found out he's been living a double life with numerous women). On the plus side I am so lucky. I have two very supportive children (d26 s21) and a lovely mum - I'm so grateful I still have her - and some very good friends. I just have to keep my mind focused on the future and not the past. But at times it's agony. Just when you think you've made progress your mind can hook you back... .