I broke down and texted him.

[Emelie Emelie]

Will - they really helped?  Last time it was anxiety that got this best of me.  This time I fear it will be depression.

[Emelie Emelie]

One more thought... . I think the depression is healthy in one way... . it does represent some acceptance.  That our relationship is irreparably damaged.  The realization that I could never trust him again.  I just feel hopeless.  And helpless. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Thinking how pathetic that would be... . the lonely woman hitting the liquor store on Saturday night.  That would be one way to look at it, another would be make yourself a nice meal, maybe some pasta with marinara or something Italian, whatever, a glass of wine or two to go with it, no hurry, relax, enjoy.  I'm not encouraging drinking to escape, but I am encouraging pampering yourself.

Feeling like I am f'ed up beyond repair when it comes to relationships.  We can't judge our ability to have relationships by our inability to have one with a mental ill person, someone who is incapable of a healthy relationship.  It's early, you're not out of the fog yet, but I've found that my ability to show up in relationships has gotten a hell of a lot better than it was before I met her, one of the gifts of the relationship.  Bottom line, if something bugs me, say something, don't ignore it and don't ignore my gut feeling, and if we can't work towards a resolution in a healthy way, see ya, I'm gone.  Had I done that with her our relationship would have lasted about a week.

What if these people serve a purpose?  What if lessons we needed to learn get taught when we're ready to learn them, when the student is ready the teacher appears?  Plenty of emotionally healthy people meet borderlines all the time, and realize instantly they need to part ways, but maybe we had lessons to learn in order to get to that place, and teachers come in hurtful packages sometimes, but in the end it doesn't really matter as long as the lessons are learned.  Works for me, I'm runnin' with it... .

[willtimeheal]

Depression is  healthy. It helps you sort through your thoughts and put things in perspective. I was not one for antidepressants but my doctor told me that in order to process everything you have to be in a place where you can logically think it through and reason it out. I couldn't get there on my own. That is why I needed the meds. The meds helped me settle my mind and slowed everything down so I could process it. Once I could process it I could begin to understand what happened why I allowed  It to happen and what I had to do to make sure  It never happened again. Meds aren't for everyone for me however they were helpful.

[willtimeheal]

A huge eye opener for me was last summer. My bPD left me for some guy she knew from high school. Just ran off with him after our vacation. Apparently she had been texting him while on vacation with me and the kids... nice. anyways... . I met this guy who wasn't looking for anything serious and my therapist told me to just date him and have fun. Now mind you I went from my first lesbian relationship back to dating guys. I gotta tell you I had a great summer. I didn't think I could handle dating again but being with someone who had no expectations and treated me with respect and like a human being did wonders.for me. I was scared but I found myself and realized I am worth so much. Give yourself time. Take one step.at a.time and focus on one thing at a time.

[myself]

It's a detox process. Emotionally and physically.

We're changing our patterns. Improving our lives.

For best results, don't feel we have to rush it.

[Emelie Emelie]

Will - that's something to think about.  Thank you.  

Heel - my marriage was a train wreck too.  XHB is BiPolar.  Had a few doozies before that too.  I know I have self worth issues in relationships.  And I really thought I had worked through a lot of that before I met "him".  Apparently not .  He's got some primal wounds that seem near impossible to heal.  My former T all but said that to me.  What if that's me too?  That's what I'm afraid of.

I know that no relationship is better than this one.  I know that.  I know there is value in life beyond that.  I'm just incredibly lonely.  I hate to sound like a pity party here but I don't have a lot of "people" in my life.  My parents are gone.  My beloved grandmother is gone.  My entire family consists of a brother who is fine... . but he's not the lean on type.  He also told me if I got back together with BPD I was on my own.  My social life was people I worked with.  I got promoted to the top spot recently and those relationships changed.  I guess they had to.  But I no longer socialize with them the way I did before.  It is lonely at the top .  I also have a new boss and it's a tenuous situation.  I am afraid of losing my job.  I have a few friends outside of work but they are married and busy with their own life.  I don't have someone I could call at two o'clock in the morning... . know what I mean?  My daughter is going off to college in August and I am dreading it.  I know I should reach out, volunteer, whatever.  I do believe it's important to get out of your head.  I'm in my 50's.  I feel like it's over.  I know women in my age group who are desperately lonely and working so hard to find someone... . anyone.  On line dating... . volunteering... . classes.  There's a group of mothers... . mothers of friends of my daughters.  I had become pretty good friends with one of them.  She happened to call me the morning of the last break up and I just started sobbing on the phone.  She was at my door in 5 minutes.  She was wonderful.  She told me about a friend of hers.  "X".  Her husband left her with two little kids.  Her house was in foreclosure.  It was a messed up situation.  Then she met this man.  He was "in love" with her and she was so happy and then he suddenly dumped her.  He had met someone else.  She was devastated and going through a really hard time.  These "mothers" all live in the same community and know each other well.  We were all together recently and the one I'm close to said to the others, ":)o you know how desperate X is?  She actually asked me to set her up with... . "  I was like whoa.  

I guess that's part of what i'm afraid of.  Being this lonely, desperate woman.  Or maybe, worse yet... . being perceived that way.

[Emelie Emelie]

It's not that I am afraid I won't ever meet anyone again.  I was dating perfectly nice guys in my months apart  from him.  They just weren't him... . you know?  And I'm afraid to let myself fall in love again.  I don't think I could handle it ending.

[fromheeltoheal]

Being this lonely, desperate woman.  Yeah, I know how you feel, although remember lonely and desperate are two different things.  I'm lonely too, and I know what you mean by not having someone to call at two in the morning.  I work for myself out of a home office, and although it's great in a lot of ways, it is socially isolating.  That's the big reason I got in so deep with my ex, she showed up showering me with idealization, the way they do, when I was lonely and susceptible.  The good news is I was in so much pain when I left her that I reached out to a lot of people, some I hadn't talked to in years.  I had new glasses on though, saw the world differently after my training in borderline boot camp, and some of those people were out of my life for a reason, and suddenly I was better at articulating why.  So I'm choosing to look at it as an opportunity; people who are lonely care about people, we're social animals after all, and people who don't get lonely don't get that.  Here's an opportunity to start fresh, an opportunity to create healthier relationships, certainly healthier than I was capable of prior.  I've gotten close to several people since I left her, and let several people go, it's been about upgrades, taking my new-found awareness out into the world, and there's an awesome life waiting for us, we just get to build it.  Just one man's opinion, and I'm stickin' to it... .

[HappyNihilist]

I know that no relationship is better than this one.  I know that.  I know there is value in life beyond that.  I'm just incredibly lonely.  I hate to sound like a pity party here but I don't have a lot of "people" in my life.  My parents are gone.  My beloved grandmother is gone.  My entire family consists of a brother who is fine... . but he's not the lean on type.  He also told me if I got back together with BPD I was on my own.  My social life was people I worked with.  I got promoted to the top spot recently and those relationships changed.  I guess they had to.  But I no longer socialize with them the way I did before.  It is lonely at the top .  I also have a new boss and it's a tenuous situation.  I am afraid of losing my job.  I have a few friends outside of work but they are married and busy with their own life.  I don't have someone I could call at two o'clock in the morning... . know what I mean?  My daughter is going off to college in August and I am dreading it.

You're under a huge amount of stress right now. And you're handling it all with strength and grace. You are a rock star, plain and simple. 

I completely understand the feelings of loneliness. I don't have a lot of people in my life that I'm truly close to, and while sometimes that makes me feel lonely, overall I feel that it's the healthiest way for me to be. My little "family" is people who care about me and are not toxic to me. And I enjoy myself, too, so I remind myself that I'm never truly lonely.

Have you talked to your daughter about your feelings? I remember when I was preparing to leave home for college. It was such an exciting, good-scary time for me, and my mother was having a bit of a hard time. Talking with her really helped ease both of us.

There's a group of mothers... . mothers of friends of my daughters.  I had become pretty good friends with one of them.  She happened to call me the morning of the last break up and I just started sobbing on the phone.  She was at my door in 5 minutes.  She was wonderful.  She told me about a friend of hers.  "X".  Her husband left her with two little kids.  Her house was in foreclosure.  It was a messed up situation.  Then she met this man.  He was "in love" with her and she was so happy and then he suddenly dumped her.  He had met someone else.  She was devastated and going through a really hard time.  These "mothers" all live in the same community and know each other well.  We were all together recently and the one I'm close to said to the others, ":)o you know how desperate X is?  She actually asked me to set her up with... . "  I was like whoa.  

People are judgmental, gossipy, and petty, especially when with a "clique." Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that they're bad people. Some of them really do care and worry about others but don't know how to express it. And even some of the best people can get caught up in judgment and gossip when around friends and say mean things.

The bottom line is that it's far easier to pass judgment on someone else than to really try to understand their situation. And it's especially far easier than taking a look at themselves.

I guess that's part of what i'm afraid of.  Being this lonely, desperate woman.  Or maybe, worse yet... . being perceived that way.

You are a strong, intelligent, loving, successful woman. 

Why does the perception of "being a lonely, desperate woman" seem to bother you more than actually "being" would? This seems like a very important thing for you to focus on in your healing process. 

[Cardinals in Flight]

One more thought... . I think the depression is healthy in one way... . it does represent some acceptance.  That our relationship is irreparably damaged.  The realization that I could never trust him again.  I just feel hopeless.  And helpless. 

I think this is where I am today, hopeless, the loss of hope is just too much today.  Why today? I've no idea because I thought I'd addressed that earlier, but hope is everything and knowing even that is gone is profoundly sad

CiF

[Emelie Emelie]

Nihilist:  That's a really good question.  I'm going to give that one some serious thought.  The one maybe positive thing I'm doing is trying to look at some of these fears I have outside of my rs with him.  Thank you for your feedback. 

CIF:  I'm sorry for your sadness.  I'm glad you're here.