Madness - I've been FB messaging my replacement - HELP

[toomanytears]

I've been messaging my replacement - is that a bad thing?

I've just been asking her to encourage him to get on with the divorce - after an initial flurry of enthusiasm to get rid of me he has stalled and gone to ground. Probably because I found out about his double life and he fears exposure now. Plus he has a huge amount of financial info to produce ad I can't see him doing that... .

I've tried to keep my messages calm and unaccusing - just businesslike. Anyhow, she hasn't replied.  It probably just serves to prove my husband's narrative that I am a an evil woman.

I wish I could delete FB but I find it so comforting being in touch with friends and family through it - both my kids are abroad and so are many of my friends.

Anyone else have these moments of madness? It would be good to hear that I am not the only one.

[Emelie Emelie]

I've had plenty of moments of madness.  Have been discussing the melt down I had the other night on these boards.  These are crazy situations and they make us feel crazy and do crazy things. 

Do you have an attorney?  Can you leave the contact to them? 

[HappyNihilist]

I've been messaging my replacement - is that a bad thing?

Only you can decide if it's good or bad for you. Why would you think it was a bad thing? How does it make you feel to do it?

I've just been asking her to encourage him to get on with the divorce - after an initial flurry of enthusiasm to get rid of me he has stalled and gone to ground. Probably because I found out about his double life and he fears exposure now. Plus he has a huge amount of financial info to produce ad I can't see him doing that... .

It sounds like you're upset about the divorce proceedings stalling. I don't blame you! Do you think maybe you're messaging her as a way to relieve some of that?

I've tried to keep my messages calm and unaccusing - just businesslike. Anyhow, she hasn't replied.  It probably just serves to prove my husband's narrative that I am a an evil woman.

It doesn't sound like you're angry at her, and it shows a lot of character and strength that you're being calm and unaccusing. A lot of people wouldn't be, if they were in your situation.

But... . here's my thought... . it seems like you might be using this FB messaging as a way to relieve the very normal anger you're feeling towards your husband.

I'm in no way saying it's "bad" or "good" to message her. I just think it might be a good idea to step back and look at why you're doing it, and how it makes you feel, and if it is actually helping you.  

Anyone else have these moments of madness? It would be good to hear that I am not the only one.

Oh... . we're all mad here.   You are most certainly not the only one. You are dealing with things that no one should have to deal with. We're all here for you.  

[BuildingFromScratch]

I look at it this way. I was harassed for 10 years, with no boundaries or needs respected... . Facebook is something she can ignore. What I dealt with I couldn't just not look at, it was in my face... .

[Mutt]

I've been messaging my replacement - is that a bad thing?

I would say block her. This triangulation could backfire on you.

Have your lawyer file a notice of disclosure.

[Nope]

Using Facebook to get in touch with the other side of this kind of a conflict can be very tempting. I've certainly been tempted to do so in the past. What stops me is a couple of realizations.

1) From a legal stand point, the BPD person can possibly use the contact and the person I contacted to make it look like I'm the crazy one or I'm somehow the problem, regardless of my intent or what my message actually says.

2) If the BPD person can not control their behavior then I have no reason to think anyone else can control them either.

You seem really clear on your goal. I would talk to your lawyer about ways to compel him.

[toomanytears]

Using Facebook to get in touch with the other side of this kind of a conflict can be very tempting. I've certainly been tempted to do so in the past. What stops me is a couple of realizations.

1) From a legal stand point, the BPD person can possibly use the contact and the person I contacted to make it look like I'm the crazy one or I'm somehow the problem, regardless of my intent or what my message actually says.

2) If the BPD person can not control their behavior then I have no reason to think anyone else can control them either.

You seem really clear on your goal. I would talk to your lawyer about ways to compel him.

Mutt, Nope et al

Thanks for the reality check. I don't really know what my motives are. i just want her to know that I know I guess.  And yes, there is alot of anger. But I should stop this or block her on FB so I'm not tempted to do stupid stuff in the dead of night when I can't sleep and my emotons are distorted. It's been dragging on for months now and the lack of progress is terribly painful. Tomorrow I'll get in touch with my lawyer and say I want to seed things up.

[Mutt]

My ex was the one that wanted the divorce. I had approached her several times to hash things out and start the process. I was thinking of the best interest of both parties, I didn't want a long, drawn out divorce and wanted it dealt with quickly and amicably. She was in a committed relationship months prior to leaving (attached) , when the conditions were correct, the replacement was ready, she used him as a transitional object.

I was hurt and betrayed in regards to the replacement, I was even more frustrated that she refused to move things forward with custody and divorce. I wanted closure, but I kept getting stonewalled. It made absolutely no sense at the time, but in her reality, I believe it signifies the loss of an attachment (me). Having said all of that, I think that she is emotionally coping with the demise of our marriage by way of the replacement. It's not a way that I would choose to lay the foundation of a healthy relationship, it is what it is.

He can look the other way all that he wants, show disinterest, but there's a system in place that deals with this sort of thing.

In regards to my divorce, I acknowledged that I needed to take care of my vested interests, irrespective to her sense of entitlement, irresponsibility and lack of consideration. I retained a lawyer and started pushing the divorce on my end. The dissolution of the marriage has to be done, matrimonial assets and debts divided, even if she chooses to participate or not.

Look out for your needs in this process, don't worry about him. He's being irresponsible.

[livednlearned]

The same difficult behavior during the marriage tends to persist throughout the divorce. Initiating the divorce doesn't usually mean anything in terms of tempering the conflict, at least from what I've watched go down on these boards.

The best thing to do is use FB only for private messaging with friends. Don't post anything until the divorce is final. You never know what could be used against you. Not to mention it's really awful having anything personal dragged out in court, whether it's admissible or not. You also don't want your stbx to make allegations that you are stalking or harassing. Also -- court expects everyone to lose their heads during divorce, so anything that happens now they seem to take with a grain of salt. Like it's to be expected that people act bananas. Once you start the legal process, the clock starts ticking. Meaning, stuff that happens when the file is open is likely to raise some eyebrows if one or both parties can't behave with a degree of civility.

One thing you may want to ask your lawyer is how long it will take to divorce him if he doesn't comply with anything. Ask your L to give you a worse-case scenario -- how many continuances, what to do when he doesn't comply with disclosure, with hearings, etc. If you expect things to go quick and they don't, it just creates additional suffering.

The unfortunate thing is that it costs us so much money to get things done, and it seems almost unavoidable. In most states, though, there are consequences for not complying. And if you start to document the obstruction, court starts to get pissed. Behavior that negatively impacts kids really gets the courts attention, and behavior that shows disrespect for court orders get their attention too. The downside is that you have to use court to make sure his failure to comply is highly documented.

Last -- even once you're officially divorced, there will probably be things he's supposed to do, and won't. Whether it's refinance, or sell, or give you this or that, or whatever it is.

[toomanytears]

The same difficult behavior during the marriage tends to persist throughout the divorce.

The best thing to do is use FB only for private messaging with friends. Once you start the legal process, the clock starts ticking. Meaning, stuff that happens when the file is open is likely to raise some eyebrows if one or both parties can't behave with a degree of civility.

One thing you may want to ask your lawyer is how long it will take to divorce him if he doesn't comply with anything.

Hi again livednlearned et al

So much good advice - thanks for the particular points above.

These boards are the best way of getting my head straightened out.

TMT