Grieving today

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's not so much about selective memory but today I've been thinking about the good times I had with my ex, particularly the 2,5 years of lovely friendship we had before entering into a r/s and the magical early days when I thought I'd entered heaven.

It has all ended so dreadfully and it feels like a death.

I have moved through the denial, bargaining and anger  phases I believe (for now). The pain of the loss of someone who was truly in my heart is now the reality. I feel low and sad knowing that she can never be in my life again and that letting her go completely on every level is the only way for me to heal.

To put things into perspective, I have committed to draw up a two column, positive and negative

list to confirm that my decision is undeniably right.

She has so many beautiful aspects to her and I know I have to recognise this as part of my grieving process too. I also have to list her diabolical and brutal behaviour that smashed our relationship and brought me to my knees.

It hurts a lot

[Lion Fire]

It's not so much about selective memory but today I've been thinking about the good times I had with my ex, particularly the 2,5 years of lovely friendship we had before entering into a r/s and the magical early days when I thought I'd entered heaven.

It has all ended so dreadfully and it feels like a death.

I have moved through the denial, bargaining and anger  phases I believe (for now). The pain of the loss of someone who was truly in my heart is now the reality. I feel low and sad knowing that she can never be in my life again and that letting her go completely on every level is the only way for me to heal.

To put things into perspective, I have committed to draw up a two column, positive and negative

list to confirm that my decision is undeniably right.

She has so many beautiful aspects to her and I know I have to recognise this as part of my grieving process too. I also have to list her diabolical and brutal behaviour that smashed our relationship and brought me to my knees.

It hurts a lot

[Confusedandhurt]

Hey Lion Fire,

I can totally relate to how you're feeling.  I was in a relationship with my uBPDexgf for 4.5 years.  She used a text message almost 2 years ago to tell me that she decided to move on.  While I'm doing much better these days, the pain still lingers.  She was my life and I couldn't imagine being without her.  It wasn't until I started spending time on this site that I began to understand just how destructive her behavior was and is.  I saw so many signs during our relationship, but chose to ignore them, thinking that things would get better if we could talk things through.  Little did I know that that would never happen.

What you're going through is completely normal.  It will continue to hurt for a time, but it will subside.  I encourage you to keep spending time reading others' stories and helping them to get through the pain of a BPD relationship.  What we've been through is fairly unique.  It's hard to put into words the pain associated with caring for someone who has treated us the way they have.  In the end, though, it's good to realize that we fell in love with someone who is very, very unhealthy.

All the best to you!  You'll make it through this with the help of this fantastic BPD family!

C&H

[heartandwhole]

Lion Fire,

I does hurt, I really understand your feelings.  I've definitely been there, and it's something we have to go through.  It's good that you are feeling your feelings, reaching out, writing it down.  This will help you move through it.  Acknowledgement is step one, and you are on your way.

It seems impossible now (it did for me), but these feelings will pass, they will change.  We've been there and stand with you. 

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm sorry Lion Fire.  I know it hurts a lot.  I'm right there with you.  You're not alone in this. 

[Lion Fire]

Thank you for the support Confusedandhurt ,heartandwhole & Emelie Emelie 

I don't know what I would have done without this forum. I am so grateful I have connected with others to identify.

I have had many difficult times in my life such as a serious stroke at the age of 31 and the death of my wife in a car accident 10 years ago but the brutality and disappointment of this is something completely different... . the pain of losing my wife was totally devastating but it was pure in many ways. It was straight grief because there was no hatred or dreadful baggage to deal with.

This r/s shattered my confidence and confused me to the point where I wasn't sure where or who I was. I feel completely punch drunk ( and I am a boxer  ) All that push-pull emotional violence has left me completely on the ropes.

Today has been really tough. I have been driven by adrenaline for weeks, fighting fires and trying to get my possessions from her home and even paying a fee for her to release my stuff. I have everything now, the fires have gone out and all that is left is debris, silence and the reality of a very messy and painful break up. We were still in contact during that turbulent time so there was still some kind of connection albeit toxic and hostile.

Today it hit me that this is really over. I should be grateful but I guess I have one monumental hangover to recover from first.

Blessin's

[AwakenedOne]

Lion Fire,

Glad you got your stuff and things went relatively smooth in getting it. I totally understand what your saying. I feel for you. Give yourself credit that you really tried to make it work though. Taking things day by day now is about all a person can do. Continue to post and keep us updated how your doing.

Good Luck



AO

[coolioqq]

I know exactly what that feels like, Lion Fire. When things went downhill between us, I was just looking for a way to end it, to never see her again. I was stuck with her, much like you, so I couldn't wait for the things to end. I thought to myself: "just wait and you will never see her again and this nightmare will be over... . "

Then I gave her a final hug and sent her way. She took a part of me with herself, but I was punch-drunk that night to even begin to understand that. The reality of grief set in soon after that. I struggled with severe PTSD weeks after I broke it off. I did something completely out of my character: stopped all contact without warning. It haunts me and it will, but I had to do it. She contacted me several times. She knew how much she was at fault, but she couldn't handle it so the last time she contacted me she questioned my love for her (although she wasn't sure whether she loved me) and called me cruel. It'd be easier if she ripped my heart out than telling me that... . The reality of grief is complex. We often read here how strong pwBPD feel. The reality is that sometimes nons feel even stronger than pwBPD. Especially because we cannot escape it. It's there, in our face, all the time.

You need to focus on getting better. It will get better. I am about 9 weeks out and it was only about 3 weeks ago that I started healing and was getting out of the PTSD phase. Those 6 weeks were living hell: I couldn't sleep, eat, function, anything... . I am still quite behind at my work... . To make matters worse, I had some problems to deal with in my FOO. Sometimes, everything that can go wrong goes wrong at once.

But, it is never the end of the world. FOO stuff is resolved. PTSD pretty much done. I am starting to detach. She does not contact me anymore... .

It gets better. Hang in there! Keep talking with us here. There will be ups and downs, but you'll get to the end of this. Remember that the worst is over. You just have to go through a few more after-shocks. Inconvenient and annoying, but you'll get through it.

[rougeetnoir]

Hey LionFire-

Sorry to hear things aren't going well. Where you are is a tough spot-- at least it was for me.  After the initial push of getting everything cleared out subsides and you no longer have all of that to occupy your mind, now what? 

There have been a lot of suggestions here.  I suggest faking it until you make it.  You may not love going to the gym or going out to the movies or doing whatever right now, but eventually you will.  Reward yourself for those behaviors. Any hobbies you put off while with the ex (being with a BPD often feels like a full time job in and of itself)?  Try to take them up again.  Do your best today and tomorrow's best will be a little better (or a little less bad, if you are a cynic like me).