3 months NC

[icecream]

After almost 3 months of NC i feel i can see things better and from a distance. It was never a healthy r/s and after the break-up we tried a friendship since 2 years which kept my romantic hopes high but i became a safety-net to dump her chaos eversince.

I admit during this situation i contributed to the rollercoaster of her controlling. But i did it with my eyes closed because i never came close to someone with uBPD. And i was blind when falling in love and thinking she was pure. Thinking i needed to take some stuff out of love, thinking she would see the light one day.

But feeling awefull many times... .

Yes, still was me who contributed but knowing what i know now would make a different story... .

I'm thankfull for so much learnings.

I still feel very lonely and many times i have the intention to text her. I realize now that the last initiatives from my side towards her were out of loneliness, which kept the rollercoaster rolling when getting silence or suddenly an attemt to fill her needs. So that makes us both responsable... . for filling needs.

What still makes me so angry is the fact she didnt had respect for me:

-sending she misses me while waking up to someone else

-sending how much she longs for me but not making an effort to meet

-turning situations around

-creating stories to put guilt in my shoes

-... .

That still makes me very angry! How could she... . after all the time i was her support... . while not expecting anything personal back.

It pops up from time to time to send her my thoughts and feelings. It would give a huge support in my selfesteem to stand up for myself and give myself closure. But knowing from the past it never had a constructive outcome anyway. Sadness is the stage i am in... .

[coolioqq]

These relationships can be far worse then rollercoasters; rollercoasters are fun, they stop and you go on hand in hand with your partner... . So, keep your head up - you are doing good. 3 months of NC is not an easy decision. It is something to be proud of.

I admit during this situation i contributed to the rollercoaster of her controlling. But i did it with my eyes closed because i never came close to someone with uBPD. And i was blind when falling in love and thinking she was pure. Thinking i needed to take some stuff out of love, thinking she would see the light one day.

Believing in the innocence of her spirit, the lack of corruption in her soul is what attracted me and made me fall in love with my dBPDexgf. Unlike some, I didn't care about sexual attraction - it was at best of tertiary importance. I loved what I thought was her soul, pure and untouched in my eyes. Alas, she hid herself behind the cloud of purity she created for me. Mirroring is a "tool of the demon." Her angelic facade was hiding her dark and troubled state of being. I would not achieve much by putting it more lightly than that.

So, I do hear you. It hurts so much more when you have to walk away from the illusion she created. There is something transcendental about pwBPD, something that makes me think there is more at play with them. Their remarkable power of keen observation, nonchalant decisiveness to mirror and manipulate, and apparently extremely close touch with their dark side - all of this makes me think there is something supernatural to them. But, I won't jump to any conclusions here - the point is that, given what you described as her post-breakup behavior towards you, you should be happy and grateful that you had the courage and strength to stop it and back off. 3 months is not a long time. What you feel is natural and speaks volumes about yourself. Time heals all wounds. You will soon look at this experience as both a good memory and something that appeared more important than it was. Good because she reaffirmed what your idea of happiness is. And less than important because she was incapable of living up to the intensity of your love for her. It does not matter that she was not up to your standard of happiness. It matters that she did not want to lift herself up to it. As you did for her.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Good stuff, sadly I can relate to everything you write icecream, my story is your story.

Struggling today, a lot

CiF

[icecream]

Thank you for your replies 

So well written coolioqq.

Believing in the innocence of her spirit, the lack of corruption in her soul is what attracted me and made me fall in love with my dBPDexgf.

Thats what i've experienced too. After our "honeymoon-fase" when her confusion, manipulation, lies came up and when she dumped me i longed and stayed for the woman i felt for in the first place. The one i met, the one who understood and cared for me. Thats the one who made my guards drop and made me make future plans with her. Like you said: rollercoasters are fun, they stop and you go on hand in hand with your partner ... . in good and bad times, sickness and in health... . My idea of a partner isnt only bright and shiny but when being manipulated like that brings up so much anger! I have respect for every soul but someone who doesnt want to work on a disorder makes you wonder if they have secretly fun in their minds... like demons.

Time heals for sure, lets trust in that! Thanks for your wise words! Keep your head up too!

Amazing how many simularities you find in this board. Glad to meet people who struggle with the same things. Sorry CiF to read we share the same story, wished it was a nicer one to share. But hope we can support eachother. Take one day at the time. Today is the most important day, try to enjoy it even if its a bird in a tree!

[tholian]

Hi Icecream,

i really feel what you said in the first post. My uBPDx fiancee did the same to me. She played the innocent card with me from the moment we met. The innocence is the one that lured me to her. Oh how they can break your heart, that they an break up with you after getting you a nice valentine present  . I got kicked out of the pedestal and fell hard, really hard and it disorients me on everything i knew of love. But we fall and we get back up. That's life.

I'm entering my 2nd month of NC and finding it kinda difficult as her birthday is coming in a few days. Wondering should i wish her for courtesy sake but at the same time i can't forget all the pain she caused me. I can take the "high moral" ground and wish her, but i'm not sure if she will even acknowledge it. So why set up my self for another disappointment rite? The list is already long... .

Kudos on your 3 month NC and i hope i will have the strength you have to carry on my NC.

Wishing everyone a good day.

Regards,

Tholian

[icecream]

Thank you Tholian for your support. Thats the magic about this website. We can write, put in words what we feel which is a huge help to give this experience a place.

Exactly... desoriented is the word when someone who we thought we started to get to know suddenly seems to come from a total different planet.

Birthdays... or other moral occasions are hard. But when sending her something she might think she still has you on the hook. Think we've proven enough we are moral, respectful people towards them so no proof needed anymore, and reaching out again might put us in the same boat as we were before were their or more times when they made us unhappy vs happy.

Its my own birthday in a few weeks and i wonder too... . will she send me something... . I might be disappointed when not, if she does how will i react, ... . the mind never stops, but you know what... we are so much better off without their drama but its lonely... . well, we have ourselfs and am starting to be my own best friend again which i care about every day more and more... .

Take care! 

[bruised]

Birthdays... or other moral occasions are hard. But when sending her something she might think she still has you on the hook. Think we've proven enough we are moral, respectful people towards them so no proof needed anymore, and reaching out again might put us in the same boat as we were before were their or more times when they made us unhappy vs happy.

Exactly!  I didn't send my uBPD ex-friend birthday wishes because she didn't deserve them. Why would I wish "happy birthday" to someone who brought me mostly pain?

There are only two possible outcomes if you do:

1. She will ignore you = pain.

2. She will reconnect with you and you will end up getting hurt again = pain.

BTW, she didn't didn't wish me "happy birthday" on my birthday a couple of months later. 

[Ihope2]

There is something transcendental about pwBPD, something that makes me think there is more at play with them. Their remarkable power of keen observation, nonchalant decisiveness to mirror and manipulate, and apparently extremely close touch with their dark side - all of this makes me think there is something supernatural to them.

I seem to think that many people with BPD perhaps have a bit of an 'otherworldly' feel to them, for want of a better description, because they have such an emotional intensity and seem to understand the depth of human emotions, BUT, they lack the other side of the coin:  they lack true empathy.  They understand emotions, they read body language, facial expressions and tone of voice so well, they can dig out how we are truly feeling, but they use all of that information in a totally self-absorbed way.

The ability to read nonverbal cues is only half of the equation:  it is what we do with that information that counts.  Do we use it to connect empathically with the other person and develop trust and warmth, compassion and intimacy?  Or do we use the information to  get something out of the other person for our own self-absorbed needs?

My BPD soon to be ex often used to tell me in the beginning of our relationship that he has a type of hyper-sensitivity to the emotions of others. He felt uncomfortable riding on a bus or travelling by plane in an enclosed space with many other people. He sort of suggested that he had slightly psychic abilities to read and feel and absorb the emotions and thoughts of others... .

I have often wondered about this, I do believe that some individuals have a heightened sense of awareness, perhaps linked to differences in certain brain areas, or perhaps also a type of learned survival behaviour from early childhood abuse?  Children of abuse are often described as hypervigilant and hypersensitive... .

[icecream]

Birthdays... or other moral occasions are hard. But when sending her something she might think she still has you on the hook. Think we've proven enough we are moral, respectful people towards them so no proof needed anymore, and reaching out again might put us in the same boat as we were before were their or more times when they made us unhappy vs happy.

Exactly!  I didn't send my uBPD ex-friend birthday wishes because she didn't deserve them. Why would I wish "happy birthday" to someone who brought me mostly pain?

There are only two possible outcomes if you do:

1. She will ignore you = pain.

2. She will reconnect with you and you will end up getting hurt again = pain.

BTW, she didn't didn't wish me "happy birthday" on my birthday a couple of months later. 

Indeed bruised!

Hope for a positive outcome=pain

[icecream]

I seem to think that many people with BPD perhaps have a bit of an 'otherworldly' feel to them, for want of a better description, because they have such an emotional intensity and seem to understand the depth of human emotions, BUT, they lack the other side of the coin:  they lack true empathy.  They understand emotions, they read body language, facial expressions and tone of voice so well, they can dig out how we are truly feeling, but they use all of that information in a totally self-absorbed way.[/quote]


Exactly Ihope2! Mine had all of this until she got me on the hook. She still had it for others as far as it seemed to me... but for her partner it disappeared!

[/quote]
I have often wondered about this, I do believe that some individuals have a heightened sense of awareness, perhaps linked to differences in certain brain areas, or perhaps also a type of learned survival behaviour from early childhood abuse?  Children of abuse are often described as hypervigilant and hypersensitive... . [/quote]


Mine was super-emotional and sensitive too... . and that side of her was something which brought the best out of me to take care of her... . until she abused that side and manipulated me to get attention... only for her... .