How far is too far?

[Exponentiallypositive143]

So, my first question is based on my story.

A year ago I was granted a restraining order against my mother who is diagnosed BPD. I applied for the order because I had been dealing with her splitting behavior towards me and my sons father and it escalated to the point of violent threats against him and my son. I know my mother well enough that these threats never take flight but I had had enough. I had enough of protecting her as I had done my whole life and enough of taking responsibility for her actions. The granted the order only because there is a popular news anchor in our area with one against her as well. She tried to remove the order a few months ago and was denied but the judge mentioned letting it run out at one year so she could peruse a relationship with her grandson. I do not want her around us and don't feel well enough to handle court should she pursue grandparents rights. She still contacts me regardless of the order but only through anonymous letters and emails or messages through my younger brother who she has now attached herself to in my absence. I am afraid I will never have a family or be happy ever again and the anxiety I suffer from has taken over my life. Though I am doing well in life, I work full time and attend college but had to send my son to live with his father during the week rather than pay for daycare which only makes my anxiety worse. Just wondering where to begin on the road to being happy again.

[StarStruck]

 



Hi Exponentiallypositive143, sorry to hear the stress you have on at the moment.

She still contacts me regardless of the order but only through anonymous letters and emails or messages through my younger brother who she has now attached herself to in my absence.

If you are NC, this will not be helping you. If I was in your situ, doing these things would help me;

the mail: if you can't move area, keeping the address secret... I would return to sender.

emails: change email address if possible (asking people not to pass on).

younger brother: ideally I would ask a sibling/s not to discuss me with her and I would not want to hear anything about her from them (this is a bit tricky as you may need/want to keep an ear for their troubles with her).

SS

[P.F.Change]

Hi, ExponentiallyPositive143,

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I hear you saying you are anxious and afraid you will never have a family or be happy again. You sound pretty depressed. Depression and anxiety are very common for people who have a parent with BPD, so you are not alone.

Once someone has gone down the road of seeking legal help, such as a restraining order, it is a good idea to keep very detailed documentation of any contact. I know you said she has been sending you things anonymously and using your brother to pass messages to you; have you been keeping records of this? I am not sure, but if you have evidence that she violated the order you may have a better chance at having it renewed, if that is something you feel you need to pursue.

Hopefully your mother would not pursue visitation. Sometimes estranged grandparents do, yet in most cases I think they practically have to have been raising the child in order to succeed. Are you familiar with the laws in your state? Do you feel it would help to consult with an attorney?

You ask where to begin on the road to being happy again. That is a great question. We have a roadmap on the right hand side of the page called the Survivor's Guide. It can help us see which step may come next (though the process is not necessarily linear). One of the most helpful things I ever did was seek therapy. Have you ever considered talking with a professional counselor?

Wishing you peace,

PF