I really am not sure how much more we can handle.

[muffetbuffet]

We too find ourselves feeling guilty about having some sort of peace in our lives.  We had a family get together this weekend and it was emotionally very difficult for me.  I had a melt down but pulled myself together.  We have had very little opportunity to join family functions in a while so it was stressful.  Almost felt like the outsider.  When my brother hugged me goodbye and said he was glad to see me smiling again I guess it has put into perspective how much dd has done to me and my husband both physically and emotionally.   DD has kept contact with us and phone calls have been good.  It is so hard to emotionally let that wall down to let her in... let us hurt again.  DD called for gas $$ this weekend.  When asked how much she thought she needed, she said $10 or $15 so I know she is not abusing the "system".  DD starts a job on Monday as a waitress and is still talking about going to school in the fall.  She has some complaints about BFs family but I have to remember it is her perception of the issues.  During yesterday's conversation, I responded, "so are you asking to come home" and she said not yet.  Guess we have something to look forward to. Yeah.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

muffet

I imagine it must be hard to stand back and watch your dd make mistakes but it is the best thing right now. Sounds like things are for the better all around and you can focus on recovering. Take advantage of this time to do things for yourself. It is a scary time but it seems like your dd is managing well. Take care of yourself... .you never know what is around the corner.

[muffetbuffet]

As expected, the "I am not happy" phone call came this AM.  DD was upset that things are not going as she had planned they would go.  I was supportive, but yet very upfront with her. Shared that her father and I have had to stand back and allow her to make these life learning mistakes.  Had a long conversation with both dd and her boyfriend.  They would like to run away to another state and get married. A nearby state allows marriage at age 17 without parental consent.  Of course we are not in favor of such a huge step, but again... .life lesson here.  DD did speak to me about finally realizing just what she had when she was at home.  Not just only material things, but the constant support regardless of what she did.  I only wish I had the strength to allow myself to emotionally open up enough to accept what she is saying at face value and not think about how is she manipulating me this time?  My husband and I had long discussion tonight and when the next phone call comes about wanting to move back home, dd will be given our list of expectations if she is choosing to move back with us.   Seriously has anyone else thought about writing a movie script for their life?  I think I have a best seller in the works

[MammaMia]

muffetbuffet

If dd returns home, are you prepared to accept that she may not be alone?  How would you deal with the bf if he arrives bag and baggage on your doorstep?  If they are planning to marry, I doubt she will leave him behind.

[jellibeans]

I don't think it is a big surpirise that she wants to come back home. I do think at times like these they are being truthful... .I really do think they approeciate what they gave up by leaving.

What is making her so unhappy? and is her bf unhappy too? I think setting rules and boundaries for her return is good. Is dd a senior now? I see this as a plus and hope she plans on finishing high school. What is the rush to get married? I find this is a tread right now. So many of my d19 friend have just got married or are engaged.

[muffetbuffet]

Personally I think the biggest issue dd has right now is where she is living. Prior to her leaving, she was the only child at home as her older brother (age 21) has his own apartment.  :)D had her own room and was always able to find her own space in our home.  We live in a town where she can walk to meet friends or go to the store.  She used to walk to school everyday.  We live close to a mall where she would hang with friends on a weekend evening.  Where she is living right now, she is literally in the middle of no where.  She has to rely on everyone for everything.  She is living with a family of 3 generations under one roof.  She is sharing a bedroom with boyfriend's sister.  There is nothing in the town where she lives except for a post office.  The closest big shopping mall is 45 minutes away and with no money to buy gas, she cannot just pick up on a whim and go to the mall.  Spoiled, yes she was, but more than that, she just has no comforts of home where she is now.  Sad to say, but I cannot feel sorry for her as this has been  a reality check for her.  As I told her yesterday, the lessons she is learning now are things that her father and I have tried, but have not been able to teach her.  Lessons that she had to experience first hand in order for them to make an impression on her.  Amazing how we realize what we had in front of us when it is all gone.  

The rush to get married is partially because DD and BF feel that BF's parents would be less intrusive in their relationship if they are married.  I told her that getting married is only a band aid for a bigger problem, but she does not see that.  

As for school, DD would only be a junior this year, since she stopped going to school last spring.  Honestly I don't think she received any credits for last year with the exception of gym.  Really unsure of where she stands at this point.  Guess we can tackle that if she returns home (should I say when)... .

Yes we are aware that boyfriend (or husband) may want to return with DD.  Not sure we are real happy with that idea and we have talked about it, but I think it is all going to depend on how things go when DD asks to come home.  She understands that that decision will be made prior to her leaving and heading back home.  

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Dear Muffet,

I really feel your pain!  I'm afraid my DD17 will be following in your DD's footsteps in the next few months.  In our case, my giving her "permission" to leave resulted in her staying--at least for another couple of months--because her BF and his family weren't ready to take her in yet, like she'd been telling us.

Sad to say, but I cannot feel sorry for her as this has been a reality check for her.  As I told her yesterday, the lessons she is learning now are things that her father and I have tried, but have not been able to teach her.  Lessons that she had to experience first hand in order for them to make an impression on her.  Amazing how we realize what we had in front of us when it is all gone. 

The rush to get married is partially because DD and BF feel that BF's parents would be less intrusive in their relationship if they are married.  I told her that getting married is only a band aid for a bigger problem, but she does not see that.

I hear you!  Your DD has depleted your sympathy.  I feel the same way... .often.  It's strange how pwBPD must learn everything from the "school of hard knocks."  I see what a wise, devoted parent you are, and that you have encouraged your DD to take responsibility in her life... .yet she still can't.  Neither can mine.  It baffles me, but it seems to be part of the illness.

That is so scary that they think getting married will get BF's family off their backs.  Exactly the type of logic my DD would use as well.

Do you have your assets & finances protected in the event that your DD brings her BF home as her husband?  And/or is there some way you can ensure that you will allow her back home as long as she is NOT married? 

I have talked to my DH about this, as I'm concerned my DD and her BF will elope after she moves there.  We haven't met with our Trust attorney yet, so I don't even know what we can do to ensure our assets transfer ONLY to DD once she's married (after we're gone, of course).  I'm not saying her BF is a gold-digger.  I know he genuinely loves my DD.  But DH and I own our home and her BF's family rents theirs.  And we're college grads, and they're blue collar... .so there is a lot of disparity in income as well.  My DD can't see any of that reality yet, until she goes there and lives it.  It sounds like reality is starting to sink in a bit for your DD, which I think is good news. 

As for her diploma, do you think your DD could pass the HS Proficiency Exam to get her GED?  My DD did that so she could move forward without the humiliation of being held back to do her junior year twice.  So during what would have been her senior year, she was able to enroll in our local JC instead, and get a few college classes under her belt.  So, now, DD can call herself a college student, rather than a high school dropout.  I know she desperately needed that immediate boost of her self-image after failing.

Muffet, I really do feel your struggle! 

[SeaSprite]

Muffet and HealingSpirit, ditto on the GED... .with her anxiety/depression/health issues/uBPD my d16 wasn't able to cope with HS, so she got her GED and enrolled in some classes at the local college. She's met with mixed success, but is still invested in making a go at it. The nice thing about college as opposed to HS is that they can take as few or as many classes as they can handle, and they don't have to get permission to go part-time. It's all on her to decide how much she can do. And she has permission to take as long as she needs, because even if it takes 4 1/2 years to get a two year degree, she is still keeping up with her traditional peers who finish high school first. It isn't embarrassing because people are in all ages and stages at the college, in fact, when she tells people she's already in college they assume she has her act together and compliment her on her maturity, which is good for her ego.

HealingSpirit, you do give me something else to worry about... .I hadn't even thought about estate planning. My daughter's (too old for her) ex-army bf29 is still trying to figure out what to do when he grows up. Not that we are rich or his family is poor, but she will have a slice of our retirement fund if something happens to us... .I wonder if we want to move the age where the trust dissolves from 25 to 30. Urg... .25 sounded a lot older when the kids were younger. I think I don't want to get hit by a bus anytime soon.

[muffetbuffet]

DD is not able to sit for the GED exam until June, 2015.  She is not permitted to take the test until her graduating class has graduated.  It is a way to prevent kids from dropping out of school and just taking the GED.  The last I heard from DD was that she is enrolling in a high school diploma program through a local community college. It is a work at your own pace type program.  From what I have learned it seems like a good program.  I wish there had been something like that available for her at home as I would have enrolled her in it.  I hope that she is able to enroll and then stick with the program.

Husband and I have talked about our finances, but unfortunately talking is not doing anything about it. When we saw our attorney about issues with dd, this topic was brought up and we really need to get in gear and do something about the situation.  We are by no means wealthy, but have worked hard for what we have. 

We have not told DD that she is not permitted to move home if she is married.  That is a sticky topic.  We seem to be walking a fine line between being there to help DD and be realistic with her.  Our relationship is in a good place right now and DD is willing to at least discuss decisions that she has to make.  She is willing to listen to what DH and I have to say.  She has been following through on most of our suggestions.  Our fear is if we put out an ultimatium about not moving back home if married, that may end the relationship we have right now.  Believe me, we are not in favor of marriage at age 17, but we also feel that we need to be in daughter's life right now.  If things fall apart where she is, she will be coming home.  Sad to say, but it is a game that we have to play.  Wish it was not this way. 

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Muffet,

Our fear is if we put out an ultimatium about not moving back home if married, that may end the relationship we have right now.  Believe me, we are not in favor of marriage at age 17, but we also feel that we need to be in daughter's life right now.  If things fall apart where she is, she will be coming home.  Sad to say, but it is a game that we have to play.  Wish it was not this way. 

You have nothing but support from me!  I understand where you're coming from on all counts.  Especially the ultimatum thing!  They never work with my BPDD.

I'm so sorry you're going through this!  Keep us posted.  If your DD is anything like mine, the news changes daily.  

[SeaSprite]

DD is not able to sit for the GED exam until June, 2015.  She is not permitted to take the test until her graduating class has graduated.  It is a way to prevent kids from dropping out of school and just taking the GED. 

 That is so weird! It must be a state law thing. Here if they are 16 and get a signature from their school administrator that they are going to go to work or to college, they can take the GED. They told her at the HS that she is welcome back at any time before she's 21 though, even with her GED.

If they didn't sign, (they were reluctant but very nice about it so it didn't come to this  ), I was going to pull her out, register her as home schooled, and then sign the GED form myself. (Also legal in our state. I read up on all the legal stuff before we went in.)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[muffetbuffet]

Healing Spirit... .thanks for the chuckle today!  You are soo true with your comment about the story changing daily.  We have found in our case that sometimes it changes hourly.  We have learned to not get too wound up about things that are planned far in advance (like getting married in March, 2015) as we have a feeling things may change by then.  Have a great day.

Good thoughts for today as DD starts her job as a waitress at a small town diner.  Her success at this job will play a huge role in her success in living away from home.   

[FaithfulHope]

Hi Muffett,  I feel like I have walked in the same shoes as you.   My DD who is now 22 went off the rails with her behavior at 17.   Its exhausting.   Just when you think they are getting a little better, the other shoe drops.   We have had ours in therapy since she was 14.   She was acting out so badly that at 18 under guidance of the therapist we made her move out (we paid for an apt).   After that she has been in and out of our home 5 times.  Currently she is here and has been here since mid Sept 2013.  However she is starting to slip again.   She has learned to tow the line at home... .following basic house rules (no stealing, staying employed, putting half your pay into savings - which I have to do myself as she can't control her spending).   But outside the home she still continues to hang with very bad people and still gets in trouble.   Still going to a therapist, and of all the ones we have had, she is the BEST!   But its exhausting.  I have no say in her decisions. I try to limit my 'calling her out' on her lies and such because I don't want to risk a suicide attempt.  At 22 she isn't going to stop lying.   Its who she is.  I'm exhausted.  I have told her that her dad and I are downsizing in the next 5 or so years.  She needs to find her own place by then.   Just know you are not alone.   I felt so very alone for many years.  I felt like it somehow was all my fault for many years.   I now have peace of mind that its genetics and I try to love her for who she is.  God bless.

[MammaMia]

Sadly, our BPD children (even adult children) have little to no understanding of what they put their families through. 

It would be such a relief to just say "I am done" and walk away.  However, we rationalize that BPD is a very serious mental disorder, and that is easier said than done.  We suffer immeasurable pain and often do so in silence because we have learned that no matter what we do, no matter how much we love them, and try to motivate them to live better lives, we ultimately have little control over their self-destructive behavior.

This is a very sad and lonely place for parents to be. Thank God we have this wonderful site and each other. There is comfort in knowing we share this burden. 

Life is not supposed to be this hard ... .but it is what it is. We need to accept that and move forward knowing we have done the best we can. We need to forgive ourselves when we waffle or fall down.  We are human.

Hang in there all you Moms and Dads.  There is a special place in Heaven for us.

[muffetbuffet]

It is what it is.  Oh how many times I have said those exact words.  I do find it interesting that now that dd is not at home fighting battles with us 24/7 I deal with her on a whole different level.  I have been able to some degree separate from the drama and be the support person that she needs.  Her mental illness defines who she is and as difficult as that is to accept you have to accept it in order to accept dd.  My husband and I only wish the best for her in life and will continue, within boundaries, push DD to be the best she can be in her life... .whatever that is.  We used to be so set on the high school diploma and then college but now realize she may not be able to achieve "our"goals.  DD needs to be the best person she can be and be proud of who she is despite what the rest of the world tells her she should be. 

Thank you all so much for the stories of your children.  It is helpful to hear from others going through the same situations at the same time but it is also helpful to hear for families that have been able to move past this stage in life. 

[jellibeans]

muffet

I like what you said... .I think it might be easier when my dd leaves home one day. It is the daily stress that is hard to take and I think tension and conflict will decrease once she moves out on her own. I think then she will realize how much we did for her etc... .right now she just takes and takes.

[muffetbuffet]

Had to share a part of phone conversation with DD today... .She called and was rather upset and in tears.  Not sure what caused all of her drama this AM, but she and boyfriend had an argument.  She wanted to know if she was still permitted to come home.  Of course, I said yes.  However, she then asked if she could bring along boyfriend and two big dogs.  Hahaha... .NO! Surprisingly she did not cause a fuss about my answer.  Conversation continued about her current problems and tried to do some problem solving with her to help the situation.  Her final comment to me was that "this grown up thing is NO FUN!"   "Going to work everyday is no fun."  She commented that she knows she has to go because she has no money otherwise. I just love it when these life lessons come through loud and clear.  Hoping and praying that she continues on a good path.  One day at a time. 

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Muffet,

Now you gave ME a chuckle!   

Her final comment to me was that "this grown up thing is NO FUN!"   "Going to work everyday is no fun."  She commented that she knows she has to go because she has no money otherwise. I just love it when these life lessons come through loud and clear.  Hoping and praying that she continues on a good path.  One day at a time. 

I think my DD is right behind yours in the not-so-wonderful discovery about the REALITY of adulthood.  I'm sure I'll be posting similar stuff within the year. (If she actually moves in with her BF.)  Like you said, "One day at a time."