We finally are on offense

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After a crooked GAL blocking our access to the judge, the PA keeps getting worse between DSD and DH, and since we now have the support of the reunification therapist saying that DSD is NOT emotionally safe with her BPD mom, we took aggressive action.  BPD mom's team has managed to postpone what the judge called "an emergency" hearing from the judge's setting in February until June, claiming unavailability.

SOO…we filed a TRO against BPD mom (mainly to get an emergency hearing, citing her PA tactics) and then picked up DSD from school and told her that we are now going by the decree and not the verbal agreement where DH let DSD live with BPD mom.  DSD was on the phone with mom nonstop this weekend and then called 911.  The officer came out, looked at the decree, and told DSD that she has to go by the decree.  I got the sense that BPD mom put DSD up to it; we then got her phone, and DSD seemed relieved.

Now DSD is still mad at DH and is refusing to do thing to make this seem permanent, but the FT will be working with her and told us not to take it personally--she is just throwing a teen tantrum.

The FT (family therapist/reunification therapist) will eventually tell DSD about the false allegations that BPD mom has made to fuel this case, but right now, DSD is still much too defensive to really hear it.  The FT confronted her Friday (right after we let her know she is moving back) about her behavior during the sessions (sometimes when she shuts down).  DSD said that the sessions do not go how she was told they should go, and the FT let her know that the only person who should be letting her know how the session should be going is the therapist herself.  DSD immediately jumped to, "Are you saying my mom is a bad person for telling me these things?"  The FT let her know that she has no idea who has been telling her; it is just inappropriate.

So DSD is still very alienated and enmeshed with BPD mom.

The FT told her that she was coming back home because she was "emotionally safer with dad."  Because DSD felt relieved after we took away her phone, I am thinking that she wants to escape the drama from her mom, but she doesn't know how.  She had told my DD that she was going to do her best not to get into the drama, but I just don't think she has the skills.  When we took her phone away, now we can be the bad guys…which is fine.   Now we can do some real healing.

The FT said that this is the most contained things have been for years…we should enjoy it.  We have a hearing for the TRO in a few weeks and a status hearing after that.  I still think the GAL will try something, but who knows... .

[sanemom]

After a crooked GAL blocking our access to the judge, the PA keeps getting worse between DSD and DH, and since we now have the support of the reunification therapist saying that DSD is NOT emotionally safe with her BPD mom, we took aggressive action.  BPD mom's team has managed to postpone what the judge called "an emergency" hearing from the judge's setting in February until June, claiming unavailability.

SOO…we filed a TRO against BPD mom (mainly to get an emergency hearing, citing her PA tactics) and then picked up DSD from school and told her that we are now going by the decree and not the verbal agreement where DH let DSD live with BPD mom.  DSD was on the phone with mom nonstop this weekend and then called 911.  The officer came out, looked at the decree, and told DSD that she has to go by the decree.  I got the sense that BPD mom put DSD up to it; we then got her phone, and DSD seemed relieved.

Now DSD is still mad at DH and is refusing to do thing to make this seem permanent, but the FT will be working with her and told us not to take it personally--she is just throwing a teen tantrum.

The FT (family therapist/reunification therapist) will eventually tell DSD about the false allegations that BPD mom has made to fuel this case, but right now, DSD is still much too defensive to really hear it.  The FT confronted her Friday (right after we let her know she is moving back) about her behavior during the sessions (sometimes when she shuts down).  DSD said that the sessions do not go how she was told they should go, and the FT let her know that the only person who should be letting her know how the session should be going is the therapist herself.  DSD immediately jumped to, "Are you saying my mom is a bad person for telling me these things?"  The FT let her know that she has no idea who has been telling her; it is just inappropriate.

So DSD is still very alienated and enmeshed with BPD mom.

The FT told her that she was coming back home because she was "emotionally safer with dad."  Because DSD felt relieved after we took away her phone, I am thinking that she wants to escape the drama from her mom, but she doesn't know how.  She had told my DD that she was going to do her best not to get into the drama, but I just don't think she has the skills.  When we took her phone away, now we can be the bad guys…which is fine.   Now we can do some real healing.

The FT said that this is the most contained things have been for years…we should enjoy it.  We have a hearing for the TRO in a few weeks and a status hearing after that.  I still think the GAL will try something, but who knows... .

[sanemom]

Yup…BM's lawyer found a stand-in lawyer to file a TRO against DH now.  I am guessing she is going to try to bring DSD back to her.  I guess we shall see if the judge gets mad at DH for taking DSD or not.  We only filed for a hearing for a TRO; they want the TRO now.

Both DH's lawyer and the court appointed reunification therapist will be at the TRO hearing.  All I know is that the reunification therapist the judge appointed is the one who made the strong recommendation that we take her back.  That should count for something, right?

[ForeverDad]

History vs Order and Professional recommendation.  Two traditional big guns duking it out.  Can we bring popcorn to the peanut gallery?

"They want the TRO now" - Frankly, that sounds very close to an ex parte or emergency hearing.  Dad exercising his ordered parenting time does not rate as an emergency.  Likely biomother will have to make allegations to justify an emergency action.  Otherwise a regularly scheduled hearing would have been sufficient.

[livednlearned]

Is it always the same judge?

My judge would probably reprimand your H for not sticking to the decree, but would rule in his favor, and if the reunification therapist made custody recommendations to stick to the decree, that would just add to both the reprimand and the ruling.

Everyone would get a slap on the wrist for the TROs and both parents would be treated like kids. In the end, the decree would be the ultimate authority.

My guess, anyway.

[sanemom]

Yes, it is always the same judge (thank God).

Well, what happened was interesting.  The judge was not mad at all for DH taking DSD back.  He also seems to accept that this is all parental alienation.  Our attorney told him that it was the worst case of PA he had ever seen.  The GAL didn't argue that, but just kept saying that DSD wants to be with her mom (he is clueless).  The judge heard that his court appointed therapist is recommending supervised visitation.  For now, he let the GAL call the shots and said that DSD can go home, BUT…

in two weeks we are having a status hearing where he says he will "be making some very hard decisions."  He said more than once that in no way him sending DSD back to BPD mom indicates his feeling on the case--he just hopes it is not too late for her.  He didn't want to hear any evidence at all this time so the therapist was not brought in.

BPD mom got a new attorney (surprise!) who clearly doesn't know anything as he asserted that DH had not exercised visitation in two years (he has taken DSD every time that BPD mom has NOT obstructed visitation).  This lawyer really has no clue what he is in for, and he requested a continuance for the May 16 date because he is in trial--the judge refused the continuance because DH "is the one having to stick it out two weeks."  The judge told him he would need to find someone to cover for him.  The judge was furious with all of the delays and obstructions on BPD mom's side.

So…we lost the skirmish, I am sure BPD mom feels she won…BUT I think the May 16th date looks very hopeful.  The therapist thinks we just need to prove that there is definite hope for DSD's and DH's relationship.

[DreamGirl]

So she had to go back to mom's house? And she's stating that it's what she wants?

What a nightmare, sanemom.

I really hope this Judge does something to help you in this. It really seems like it's neverending.  :'(

[sanemom]

So she had to go back to mom's house? And she's stating that it's what she wants?

What a nightmare, sanemom.

I really hope this Judge does something to help you in this. It really seems like it's neverending.  :'(

DSD is soo alienated from DH, it is pathetic.  BPD mom has told her one lie after another about him.  However, the therapist really thinks there is hope…she can tell that DSD in her heart truly loves DH, but any time she is around her mom, she is forced to reject him.  And the GAL only talks with DSD when she is around her mom.

The frustrating thing is that now BPD mom thinks she won--I bet her lawyer did not tell her what actually happened in chambers (who would want to deal with her emotional outbursts afterwards).  The judge made it VERY clear that letting DSD go back to mom for two weeks IN NO WAY indicates how he feels about this case.  He also made it very clear that he only wanted DH "stuck with this arrangement" for two weeks and not a day longer. If we can convince the judge that there is hope for DSD and DH's relationship (and the therapist is confident we can), it is EXTREMELY likely that BPD mom will only have supervised visits for a while during the repair.

But for now, BPD mom is feeling that she once again "won" as she has felt over and over through this process because of our crooked GAL, who instead of relenting to what the judge is saying, seems to just be digging his heels in more and more.