uBPDew being released this morning

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My DH's uBPDew is being released from jail this morning.  We've been lucky to have a calm 7 1/2 months to get my stepson (13) settled, in counseling, into activities, etc.

Last week we asked stepson how much contact he thought would be appropriate.  He said calls 1 or 2 days per week (similar to her schedule while incarcerated, before she went to work release), with e-mails.  He is anxious, we are anxious, but we talk about it and try to help each other.  Luckily mom is two states away, so there are no visitation issues right now.

Mom is trying to get another continuance for the final custody trial, scheduled for next week.  DH will fly in early to surprise her at the continuance with his lawyer, and hopefully the judge will decide to move ahead since he is already there.  If that happens, the lawyer will outline exactly what we will ask for and try to broker a settlement with her.  Our original offer is very fair, but we'll go for the throat should she decide to push ahead.

I've never been one to sit and wait, and I've never had anyone have so much of an affect on my life.  I'm really hoping she won't start phone, text, and e-mail bombing, and will settle.  But I think that's wishful thinking.  I guess I'm just looking for some support this morning and this week.  It feels like it's going to be a long one.

[PinkieV]

My DH's uBPDew is being released from jail this morning.  We've been lucky to have a calm 7 1/2 months to get my stepson (13) settled, in counseling, into activities, etc.

Last week we asked stepson how much contact he thought would be appropriate.  He said calls 1 or 2 days per week (similar to her schedule while incarcerated, before she went to work release), with e-mails.  He is anxious, we are anxious, but we talk about it and try to help each other.  Luckily mom is two states away, so there are no visitation issues right now.

Mom is trying to get another continuance for the final custody trial, scheduled for next week.  DH will fly in early to surprise her at the continuance with his lawyer, and hopefully the judge will decide to move ahead since he is already there.  If that happens, the lawyer will outline exactly what we will ask for and try to broker a settlement with her.  Our original offer is very fair, but we'll go for the throat should she decide to push ahead.

I've never been one to sit and wait, and I've never had anyone have so much of an affect on my life.  I'm really hoping she won't start phone, text, and e-mail bombing, and will settle.  But I think that's wishful thinking.  I guess I'm just looking for some support this morning and this week.  It feels like it's going to be a long one.

[Waddams]

I had this thought while watching "Ender's Game" the other night with my son.

At the scene where Ender is fighting the bully, and has knocked him down, and is then continuing to kick him.  Afterwards he is asked why he kept kicking the bully after he'd already won?  He responds that the bully's friends were there too and he wanted to also win/preclude the future fights he could otherwise have with the bully and his friends.  In other words, completely destroy his enemy so he never has to engage in a fight with him again.

My thought was in our court cases we are kind of faced with the same thing.  We have an adversary in pwPD's that will never stop coming back to fight more as long as they have the ability to do so.  So, if it all possible, for our own futures and well being, if we have the chance in court to hit them so hard they'll have a hard time coming back to fight more later, THEN MAYBE WE SHOULD.  There's more to it than just what's happening in the moment.  There's the future.  If we take it easy on them, they will be back for more later.  So maybe it's okay to just go for the throat if given the opportunity because you're not just potentially winning the current fight, you're also potentially winning the future conflicts before they happen.

Just a thought.

[ForeverDad]

I have to agree that we can't afford to be nice even if it goes against who we are or wish us to be.  Here's a recent post, keep in mind I became Residential Parent for school purposes in 2008, Legal Guardian in 2011 and majority time parent at the end of 2013:

I've been in and out of court for over 8 years.  In most of that time there was recurrent conflict... .

Finally late last year many issues were covered during two full days of court when I returned seeking majority time.  The resulting order was very one sided, that is, very unfavorable for mother and reasonably favorable for father.  At least 5 or 6 times mother's 'disparagement' of father in the presence or hearing of the child was mentioned.  The word was used once regarding father - 'never disparaged'.  The decision referred to the "intense level of conflict".  Other phrases used about mother, her attitude or actions were disdain, interference, credibility, berated, undermined, irate, denigration, yelling, outbursts, verbal deprecation, ultimatums and does not remember or must be lying.

Think that was enough?  Well, someone - CPS won't say who - filed a child neglect complaint against me within two months!  Everybody knows who it was, that my ex was trying to make me look worse than her, but we all know there are almost never consequences for false allegations.

The only time when I will be sure it is legally ended and over is in the year 2020.  There will likely be non-custody conflict after our son is an adult but that will be mostly event based such as subsequent marriage, births, gatherings, etc.  For the most part our son will have to navigate those issues.

[Waddams]

When my son is an adult, I intend to tell him that he's gotta make his own decisions regarding how he deals with his mom and me.  I won't pressure him for holidays, wedding, kid births, birthdays, etc.  I'm spending a lot of time even now to try to coach him up to be his own man.  I know his mom will try to enmesh him.  He's stubborn and anti-authority enough already at 9 years old that I suspect he'll gravitate towards the people that don't pressure him or try to control him.  This mild Asbergers thing he's diagnosed with might be just the thing he needs to be able to not soak up the guilt and fear crap she'll throw at him.  Extra armoring against her FOG'ing attempts.  So maybe a blessing in disguise from that standpoint!

[livednlearned]

I've never been one to sit and wait, and I've never had anyone have so much of an affect on my life.  I'm really hoping she won't start phone, text, and e-mail bombing, and will settle.  But I think that's wishful thinking.  I guess I'm just looking for some support this morning and this week.  It feels like it's going to be a long one.

My experience is that the more desperate N/BPDx feels, the more unreasonable he becomes. Sometimes, though, that unreasonable behavior turns out to be a gift in court. I do believe there is a part of N/BPDx who knows he cannot properly care for his child -- it's like he does the absolute worst thing he could do so that he loses custody, even while fighting to keep it.

I hope the continuance is not granted, and that your DF is able to move forward.