fate?

[Front runner]

After 3 weeks mutual NC. At her instigation after she left me for someone else and battling the raging storms that go with nc,  fate has intervened.

Walking to work I bumped into her again.  Walking along the street.  We both made to cross the road, didn't and talked. 

I tried to keep things polite and respectful but was shaking like a leaf.

She said you've lost weight - i've barely eaten.  She was kinda sketchy and evasive as you'd expect.  I tried to say goodbye at this point.  We walked away from each other but then I caved.  Shouted after her ran down the street. Asked her if she wanted to make things work out.  Told her I loved her etc.  She said I made her cross.  I asked if she was seeing someone else. She said no and that she would call me later... .   The damns been breached for me for now and i've sent her two texts asking her if she wants to be together. Why oh Why?

She said she thought she might bump into me... .

Where to go from here.  I know this person and this relationship are unhealthy for me. 

I am a hostage in a trauma bond and she is my host.  I have no idea really how hard this relationship break up is going to be for me to process.  I only got to three weeks.  Didn't sleep at all last night stuck in a vortex of anxiety and pain. I know this will be a gateway to more pain for me.  I've had a fix now.  My physical and mental state have been awakened.  I feel alive again. It is a drug.

[Ihope2]

Dear Front runner

Three weeks is good enough for now, and if you had not bumped into her again, perhaps it would have been longer.

You were blindsided when you least expected it, and you were caught off guard when your defences were down.

You mention feeling like a "hostage in a trauma bond" (I can relate to the trauma bond so well!).  Where did your trauma begin, is it pain that you have been carrying around with you, which you thought you might resolve by loving her?

The pain of ending this type of dysfunctional and damaging relationship is truly an awful pain.  But the intensity of the pain will lessen over time.  I hope you have someone to help you with therapy for this?    Someone to help you find ways to bear the pain and soothe yourself through this difficult time.

The only way to heal is to go through it and out of it... .

Good wishes and Loving Kindness from a fellow Sufferer.

[Front runner]

Dear Ihope,

I think the trauma bond come from an unsafe and unstable childhood.

My Dad was violent to my Mum and is alcoholic.  He would change from being the most amazing Dad anyone could ever ask for to being the most frightening in the blink of an eye.  My Mum was codependent and controlling.  She used us as pawns in their toxic relationship.

I went to boarding school aged 8 which was probably a blessing... .

I think UNSAFE probably sums it up.

[Ihope2]

Those of us who have had a dysfunctional family of origin, with parental neglect and abandonment, and abuse, alcholism, codependent parents, and the like, have not had the best of starts in life.  My mother was (and still is at age 70) totally codependent and subservient to the most moody and emotionally abusive of partners!

I can't help but think that we, the children of such an upbringing, are unconsciously trying to heal our pain by seeking out similar relationship dynamics as we witnessed in our FOO.  And we attract dysfunctional partners, with whom we live out abusive, unsafe and emotionally / physically damaging relationships, in an attempt to heal our original pain.

I can only explain it this way to myself, that is why I ended up spending most of my adult years to date in emotionally dead or abusive relationships with damaged partners.

Now it is my time to recognise what I need to feel safe and loved.  To say NO to emotionally abusive relationships. To heal that hurt inner child within me.  To learn to love myself for who I am and not desperately seek this validation from outside.

I have a suspicion that once we are well on the way to healing our hurt and damaged, lost and abandoned inner child, we will then be able to attract healthy, validating and loving relationships into our lives!

[Front runner]

Hi Ihope,

Yes I agree with everything you say.

The problem for me at the moment is that when I meet a safe and loving person I go a bit BPD myself.!

[Ihope2]

Yes, I have also never seemed to gravitate to "safe" and "normal" because I think I also have ambivalence about "attachment" versus "engulfment".  It stands to reason that when the role model of relationship we see as kids is so "all or nothing", then we cannot learn healthy ways of relating ourselves.

I can relate better to hurt and damaged people!  I have always sided with the underdogs.  But what does this say about me?  That I am damaged in some ways, and that I need to heal myself.  I want to heal myself.  I am tired and drained from throwing myself to the wolves for much of my adult life!  I am tired of the self-sabotage.  I am tired of the baggage I am carrying around with me!

[heartandwhole]

Hi Front runner,

You made it to 3 weeks, that's not easy.  It's not uncommon to slip back into previous patterns, it's all part of the process, which is not linear.  I can really understand your feelings right now, especially the panic of putting yourself in a position of re-engaging.  It can feel scary, but also somehow thrilling, as hope for a different outcome surges.

Here is a (long) article that was helpful for me about repetition compulsion in trauma:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68467.0;viewResults

I took the liberty of extracting one piece that you might find interesting:

ADDICTION TO TRAUMA

Some traumatized people remain preoccupied with the trauma at the expense of other life experiences and continue to re-create it in some form for themselves or for others. War veterans may enlist as mercenaries, victims of incest may become prostitutes and victims of childhood physical abuse seemingly provoke subsequent abuse in foster families, or become self-mutilators. Still others identify with the aggressor and do to others what was done to them.

Clinically, these people are observed to have a vague sense of apprehension, emptiness, boredom, and anxiety when not involved in activities reminiscent of the trauma. There is no evidence to support Freud's idea that repetition eventually leads to mastery and resolution. In fact, reliving the trauma repeatedly in psychotherapy may serve to re-enforce the preoccupation and fixation.

Many observers of traumatic bonding have speculated that victims become addicted to their victimizers. Erschak33 asks why the batterer does not stop when injury and pain are apparent and why does the victim not leave? He answers that "they are addicted to each other and to abuse. The system, the interaction, the relation takes hold; the individuals are as powerless as junkies."