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[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex left and moved cross country on 4/18/14.  I defriended any and everyone that was remotely related to her, including her.  I've also removed any picture that includes her.  She has blocked me but left a bunch of pictures of us together on her page.   I was wondering if blocking them is better or letting them just see everything, do I ask her to remove the pictures that include me?   My point of view is that I don't have anything to hide and don't really care one way or another if she looks at my page.  I think most things on my page are public.  I'm just curious what the best approach is.  Thank you.

[thespacebtwn]

My ex left and moved cross country on 4/18/14.  I defriended any and everyone that was remotely related to her, including her.  I've also removed any picture that includes her.  She has blocked me but left a bunch of pictures of us together on her page.   I was wondering if blocking them is better or letting them just see everything, do I ask her to remove the pictures that include me?   My point of view is that I don't have anything to hide and don't really care one way or another if she looks at my page.  I think most things on my page are public.  I'm just curious what the best approach is.  Thank you.

[Aussie0zborn]

Good question. My linked photos suddenly appeared on my Facebook page one day and the options offered by Facebook were:

1. Ask her to untag me (and run the risk of breaching a falsely obtained interim restraining order against me)

2. Untag each photo myself

I saved and then untagged each photo.  Six mouse clicks per photo x maybe 100 photos. Why she still has my photos up is beyond me.

I would suggest untagging each photo yourself to take control of the situation. If you ask her to do it, you run the risk of engaging her again and giving her the control she craves.

Each situation is different but blocking them completely saves triggering them. If you set you profile to "Private - Friends Only" be sure to also make your friends list private, too.  This is a separate action and I failed to do it. As I added new Facebook friends while travelling through Asia (all female and all Asian for some reason) I am now getting fake friend requests from beautiful Caucasian women with Asian names who supposedly live in my small town. The friend requests come only minutes after the profile is created.

I could trigger my stbx uBPDw so easily by making certain Facebook posts public but why trigger her? She is in her own hell at the moment and I don't want to be a part of it again.

[Trent]

BPDs are notorious for reengaging, which can disrupt/delay the recovery process for a non.  Personally, I would block any avenue of communication she can use to play on my emotions, including FB. 

But for you, how would you feel if she liked some of your pictures, sent you an email, called your phone, sent a text, etc?  If it truly wouldn't bother you, then I don't see why you need to completely block her.  However, I read your previous post on the intro board, where you stated "She is a whore for attention" and "So, I'm still pretty upset and wore out by the contact", plus you're just recently out of this relationship, so I'd highly recommend you block her by all means possible and focus on healing.  It's just too soon after the heartbreak to deal with her any more.

Enduring 4 years of BPD behavior is no easy feat, and she will likely continue to invade your life whenever she feels like doing so.  It sounds like she may already have violated your boundaries with the package sending business.  Later, when she decides to start cheating on her now-gf, you could be at/near the top of the list of the people she starts contacting for sympathy and attention.  She'll cry about how she was messed up, her new gf is worse than you were (maybe claiming abuse too), she misses you, etc.  And the recycling begins.  Don't give her that chance, you deserve better!

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Keep posting and reading here, it has really helped me work through this and will hopefully help you too.  Good luck! 

[Narellan]

I'm living this right now. Everything my ex BPD posted was to get a reaction from me. Instead of making it about him and blocking him ( a reaction) I deactivated my account. Just last night I took a sneak peek and bam I'm right back where I was. Ruminating and feeling sick. He posted a couple of days ago he was freeing his hands of yesterday's junk. That's all I am now. I wish I hadn't looked because yesterday I was in a much better controlled state. Feel free to read through my story as lots of it is around FB posts. Good luck xx

[blissful_camper]

I'm living this right now. Everything my ex BPD posted was to get a reaction from me. Instead of making it about him and blocking him ( a reaction) I deactivated my account. Just last night I took a sneak peek and bam I'm right back where I was. Ruminating and feeling sick. He posted a couple of days ago he was freeing his hands of yesterday's junk. That's all I am now. I wish I hadn't looked because yesterday I was in a much better controlled state. Feel free to read through my story as lots of it is around FB posts. Good luck xx

Yes, it was to get a reaction.  Your ex and your ex-best friend are playing a game.  You were (unknowingly) part of that game, until you stepped out of it.  FB is the only way that they can attempt to bait you into playing again by posting things they think you will react to.  Pretty sick. Not a good foundation for them to build on if they move forward with an r/s. The pattern will repeat itself, I guarantee it - she will experience what you did with your ex. 

Good for you for deactivating your FB account.  That will send a clear message that you aren't interested, and without an audience (you) they are left to play their game alone.  That translates into less fun for them.  You're doing great so far and you've handled things really well.   

[Narellan]

Thank you Blissful. I feel weak and sad again today. But that's the grief and loss cycle for you. Plus it's my fault for looking. I know they will not last I'm just so sad at the huge loss. Today I'm going to curl up in bed and have another cry. And tomorrows a new day. Thank you for your kind words x

[blissful_camper]

Thank you Blissful. I feel weak and sad again today. But that's the grief and loss cycle for you. Plus it's my fault for looking. I know they will not last I'm just so sad at the huge loss. Today I'm going to curl up in bed and have another cry. And tomorrows a new day. Thank you for your kind words x

That's part of the healing process.  Let it out, and take care of You.  I cried so much when my r/s ended with my ex.  I had never cried that hard in my life.  I cried for him, me, and what he put us through.  I felt betrayed, angry, humiliated - my emotions were all over the map.  I thought that level of deep grief wouldn't ever end, but it did.  You will get through this.  It's natural that you looked.  Don't be hard on yourself about that.  While it's incredibly painful, at least you're seeing the truth about who he really is, and you're taking positive steps to extricate yourself from that dynamic.  Be proud of yourself for that.  Rest, cry, and let yourself heal.   

[thespacebtwn]

BPDs are notorious for reengaging, which can disrupt/delay the recovery process for a non.  Personally, I would block any avenue of communication she can use to play on my emotions, including FB. 

But for you, how would you feel if she liked some of your pictures, sent you an email, called your phone, sent a text, etc?  If it truly wouldn't bother you, then I don't see why you need to completely block her.  However, I read your previous post on the intro board, where you stated "She is a whore for attention" and "So, I'm still pretty upset and wore out by the contact", plus you're just recently out of this relationship, so I'd highly recommend you block her by all means possible and focus on healing.  It's just too soon after the heartbreak to deal with her any more.

Enduring 4 years of BPD behavior is no easy feat, and she will likely continue to invade your life whenever she feels like doing so.  It sounds like she may already have violated your boundaries with the package sending business.  Later, when she decides to start cheating on her now-gf, you could be at/near the top of the list of the people she starts contacting for sympathy and attention.  She'll cry about how she was messed up, her new gf is worse than you were (maybe claiming abuse too), she misses you, etc.  And the recycling begins.  Don't give her that chance, you deserve better!

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Keep posting and reading here, it has really helped me work through this and will hopefully help you too.  Good luck! 

Thanks for the input.  I am very recently out of this and working daily to process and identify successful ways to cope and better understand.  At this moment I feel I'm crossing between denial, anger and bargaining but have some great people to help put this is great perspective.  It has been a long 4 years and although I do believe in my heart she did love me on her level of capability, I need to take some accountability for allowing myself to be so codependent.  I don't know that the girl I miss so much was actually very real, but mostly something I've most likely fabricated in my mind.  As hard as that has been to even say out loud or admit to, I think it's very possible. So I've just started trying to repeat that to myself and identify the things I know for a fact are true about her that I miss.  The list wasn't super long and I'm finding the physical attraction is going to be pretty challenging to get passed.  I have also been trying to identify the things about myself that I think she will miss or traits/characteristics which make me desirable.  I wrote about 30 traits on a dry erase board that I believe to be true.  It really helped to see it written out and gave me a sense of confidence as well as validation that, although she left me and that makes me feel undesirable and like I've done something wrong because I wasn't good enough for her to stay... . that I have a tremendous amount of wonderful qualities.  I feel sad but am also overwhelmed by the feeling of loving myself and having my friends really cheer me on.  I am going to be okay, its actually her I worry will have a tough time once her new distraction (huge downgrade) becomes boring and she will need that fix/attention/etc.  It's not a question of if she will try to come back on some level but just when?  All women , BPD or not, typically come back around at some point and I worry she might really struggle when I don't reciprocate.  As far as fb, I don't believe the pictures are tagged and there lies my concern.  I don't really like them being there, I feel like she might be using them to make her feel more confident... . like see this attractive ex-gf I used to have that I left.  Just like a power thing, I dunno.  She is extremely attractive but as we know very insecure.  I guess if I'm not going and looking at her page it doesn't really matter right or does it?  As far as her liking anything I post, I highly doubt she would because that would surrender a lot of control/power, make her vulnerable, and would be admitting she has been looking at my page.  Honestly, I don't have the slightest idea if she's looking at my page so this is merely assumptive.  If she contacts me again via text I will not respond at all. If it persists I will then block.  Additionally, there has to be some contact as I am taking care of her cats all summer and financially still splitting bills.  The worst part is that she left all of her things too.  I've had the enduring pain of slowly trying to pack all of her stuff so I don't feel like she's still living here, and on her way back home.  I'm hoping she moves to grad school asap so I can fully move on.  I'm in my last few weeks of my engineering classes for the semester so I'm really hopeful I can pass all my classes.  This has been the most disruptive painful situation I feel I've ever endured.  I've been through 4 divorces between both my parents' failed relationships and been through sexual abuse as a child.  Those don't come close to this.  Everyday is challenging but I'm also finding exercise to really distract me and release some stress.  I couldn't eat for about 3 days, I've lost about 10 pounds over the last month so it's touching every aspect of my life pretty profoundly.  I am trying to find the good in goodbye and realize I've really dodged a bullet. Very grateful I didn't lose 4 more years of myself to this. 

Stay strong everyone!  This does not define us, and we choose what that is.  I choose strength, loving myself, not hating her but respecting myself and sticking to the boundaries I've set.  No contact unless necessary for life stuff and No looking at her FB. I'm hoping that will speed up this process a little.  Thanks for all the support and feedback!  Ive found reading how negative people feel when they do look at their ex's fb has helped be good tool to deter me and heed that warning.  If I feel tempted to look Im going to just come on here instead I think.

[thespacebtwn]

Thank you Blissful. I feel weak and sad again today. But that's the grief and loss cycle for you. Plus it's my fault for looking. I know they will not last I'm just so sad at the huge loss. Today I'm going to curl up in bed and have another cry. And tomorrows a new day. Thank you for your kind words x

This is so painful and confusing for all of us, don't judge yourself about it at all. I do not cry ever and I'm breaking down in the middle of my classes, or sometimes just her cats really remind me and I just lose it, or just being alone now in the neighborhood when people see me I feel ashamed because they must realize she is no longer around.  There is somehow a silver lining.  It could simply be for us to love ourselves for once or focus more on fulfilling ourselves. I don't have any answers for you, no one does really... . but know you are not alone, don't feel ashamed or less valuable because of them.  It was never about us not being enough.  We never stood a chance. Hang in there and take a day at a time. Write down some activities/things you would like to do once a week or daily that make you happy or at least distract you some.  That helped me a little.  Keep you head up and cry til you just can't cry anymore if you need to. It is okay!  You aren't weak or overreacting, this is a hurricane of hurt. Hang in there

[TitaniumPhoebe]

I think it's a personal choice. I blocked my ex-husband after he kept harassing me and my friend and posting lies.   I don't really care what he sees on my facebook though and haven't removed any pictures.  I don't have time for that nor do I care what old pictures are on my facebook, but that's just me. I say do whatever makes you feel best.