So furious today I want to expose my ex best friend

[Narellan]

And I was doing so well. Today I'm so furious I'm thinking out ways to get revenge. Like exposing her other affairs with married men. Exposing how many f buddies she has. I really only want to expose these truths to my ex BPD tho. I want him to see who she really is. And I'm the only one who knows her and what she's doing. I want to slap her and tell her she's devastated me by going behind my back with my ex BPD. Yes they are both out of my life now which I did in the most dignified of ways, but why did I do that. Why didn't I yell and swear and show him/everyone who she really is? I don't know where all this anger has come from because I've only had intense pain. Maybe from checking FB last night and seeing they are supporting each other through my NC with either of them. It will do nothing for me to react in anger, indeed it's not really in me to do this. But I feel so betrayed by their ongoing friendship at the expense of their friendships with me. Also I don't know why the majority of my anger is toward her not my ex BPD, who is equally if not more so to blame. I don't understand people anymore.

[bpdspell]

Narelian,

You're anger is palpable and your certainly entitled to feel your feelings but seeking revenge as tempting as it may sound will only bring you down to their level and when that happens they win. Lies and distortions of truth have a magical way of always coming to the surface so no need for you to expose on your part cause it will only drag you down further into the abyss of low vibrations.

It sucks and it hurts to be betrayed and knife twisted by people we love and once trusted but at least their masks were dropped and their shady characters were revealed. There is something quite liberating when the scales are dropped from our eyes and we get to see people for who they really are. It may not feel like it now but there's power in that.

I personally believe that if you step out of karma's way she will do her job because no one gets away with doing not nice deeds to others. Karma does collect with interest. Our job is to not sit on our hands and wait for justice to happen to those who have harmed us. Your best revenge is learning how to be happy without abusive, lying, manipulative backstabbing types in your life.

You didn't lose them; they lost you! Remember that.

I dealt with my anger by screaming into pillows, working out, journaling, crying, going to therapy, church, and posting on here. I gave my BPD ex silence by going no contact and started living for me.

Spell

[Narellan]

Yes Spell that's exactly how I feel for the most part . I just have been ruminating today and really felt the anger and frustration. Common sense will always prevail though. And I firmly believe , as you do ,in karma. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I will try some if your tactics to ease frustration.

[Perdita]

Hi again Narellan,

You say that you don't know where the anger is coming from and that you dealt with the whole matter with dignity.  Speaking from my own experience - the anger only recently took hold of me too - I can tell you that I suspect the anger has always been there right beneath the surface.  I think we just try to block it out for so long.  Then when it finally comes out we are surprised.

You and I have discussed our BP guys before and they are quite a lot alike.  At some point I will share my story regarding the third party in my non-relationship relationship    I need to get that off my chest.

Back to your need to expose her true self to your BP ex.  Narellan, I don't think this will work at all.  In fact, it will probably only bring them closer together.  Right now he still has her on a pedestal.  Nothing you can say or do will make him change his mind in my experience.  If anything it will only make him feel better knowing that you are so bothered by this even post break up.  I say this as someone who has tried and failed to open up my BP bf's eyes about his pedestal girl.  She wasn't my bf, but I thought we were friends until about 5-6 months into my relationship with him.  Then my eyes opened up.  At first I write her a non-confrontational letter about how the whole situation hurts me - and him.  She NEVER mentioned it to me although she did read it.  Instead, she used it to play the innocent little victim and of course he came to the little damsel's rescue.  So typical of these guys if you ask me.

I have talked to him so nicely and lovingly about it and wrote a long letter reminding him of all the bad and hurtful things she has done to him.  He already knew all about it, complained bitterly at times, but still would defend her and made the choice not to see her for what she really is.  Talking nicely has gotten me nowhere.  Getting angry has gotten me nowhere.  All the times I've broken down in tears due to his obsession with her has had no effect on him.  Believe me, she is rotten to the core.  She leads a double life, calling herself a major christian, teaches at a christian school, bible verses all over the place, bible studies, house church, looks down her nose at people who aren't as big a christian as she says she is.  You know what?  She drinks like a fish, messes around with multiple guys and even ones that are involved with her friends, uses drugs, will go with any guy that will pay her bills and is darn good at getting hold of their credit cards and then laughs and openly admits to how she uses men.  She lies a lot to get what she wants even when she knows she will be caught in a lie within minutes.  As long as she gets what she wants before she's found out.  she never shows any remorse, but instead is proud of how clever she thinks she is.  

My BP guy is like her own personal slave.  He talks about how she treats these other guys and say they are fools, yet he can't see that she does all this and more to him.  

So in conclusion, Narellan, I think it will bring you nothing but more pain to try and expose her to him.  These guys love to worship women from afar and once they have them they continue to do so - for a while.  Then they find the next one to idolize.  Nothing I have said has made any difference.  He just defends her every time.  I believe your ex will do the same.  It is frustrating.  So very very frustrating.  That said, I no longer keep quiet about this other woman's double life.  I don't go around telling everyone I meet, but have decided that I will not cover up for her either.  She hides her true self from family and people in authority, but is proud to brag about her evil actions to those that know that side of her.  So why should I hide what she's proud of?  

I understand your need to get it out though.  Why not write here the letter you would like to write to him?  Or you can PM it to me if you don't want it public.  The point would be for you to at least get it out and have people read it and support you, because I honestly don't think you'll get out of your ex what you hope to by exposing her.

[Narellan]

So true, thanks both of you for your posts. I actually felt sick about the pedestal thing... I didn't think he would have her on there yet but yes you're probably right. And. In fact when I just let go of the anger I feel calmer. Someone posted to me that it's my karma to have them both out of my life. I'm feeling a bit stronger tonight. Just gotta stay off FB

[Perdita]

Yes, FB does seem to be a big trigger for you.   Try to avoid it and at some point you should probably consider unfriending the both of them.  She was your best friend and he was your boyfriend.  He cheated on you with her and now they are posting stuff related to the whole situation on FB.  I understand why you still have them on FB, the curiosity and all, but at some point you need to cut the cord if you are serious about moving on.  Whatever you decide to do, we are always here to listen.   Now go cycling or something!  You might as well come out of all of this fit and looking terrific! 

[blissful_camper]

And I was doing so well. Today I'm so furious I'm thinking out ways to get revenge. Like exposing her other affairs with married men. Exposing how many f buddies she has. I really only want to expose these truths to my ex BPD tho. I want him to see who she really is. And I'm the only one who knows her and what she's doing. I want to slap her and tell her she's devastated me by going behind my back with my ex BPD.

There will be days when you're feeling better, and days when you aren't, and that's all part of processing what you've been through. You're doing the hard work necessary to move forward.   

Yes they are both out of my life now which I did in the most dignified of ways, but why did I do that. Why didn't I yell and swear and show him/everyone who she really is?

Because you're a good person.  Because you have integrity.  Because you wanted to minimize the drama it had the potential to create in your life.  That's healthy.  Let nature run its course.  You don't need to take action on this one. 

I don't know where all this anger has come from because I've only had intense pain. Maybe from checking FB last night and seeing they are supporting each other through my NC with either of them. It will do nothing for me to react in anger, indeed it's not really in me to do this. But I feel so betrayed by their ongoing friendship at the expense of their friendships with me. Also I don't know why the majority of my anger is toward her not my ex BPD, who is equally if not more so to blame. I don't understand people anymore.

My replacement was an acquaintance. Our shared mutual friend was my best friend. During the r/s my replacement kept tabs on my ex and I through my best friend (my confidante).  My best friend fed my replacement with information about my r/s, and encouraged my replacement toward my ex.  My replacement put herself in the path of my ex, caught his attention, and he fell for it. My ex and I had been friends for years and I never thought he would violate my trust in that way.  While I felt betrayed by them all, I thank the three of them for doing that now.

I was furious when I put the pieces together.  Days would pass where I was restless and couldn't sleep. I woke up angry, I went through the day angry.  Initially I was only angry at her and my former best friend.  I was still hanging onto the idea that he wouldn't hurt me in that way. I worried about him. As the pieces came together, I realized that he was perfectly happy in that mess.  That's who he is.  That is what he asked for and the universe delivered it. 

What helped me get through the anger was accepting that he's right where he needs to be. They all are. My ex has some important life-lessons to experience with my replacement.  Only she can provide those experiences for him. 

All three are blocked on Facebook.  I locked down my account to friends only and started getting odd requests from fake accounts.  I've been on FB since 2008 and had never received fake friend requests. Coincidence?  Maybe. But I was so sick and tired of it that I deactivated my account for awhile.  Now I'm back on FB and I make my posts public like I used to before the r/s.  Miraculously, the fake friend requests have stopped.  Do what you need to do to protect and insulate yourself from their drama. 

[Narellan]

Thank you both so much. I feel stronger today and will leave FB deactivated until such a time that I can block them without so many mutual friends asking why. I just can't have those conversations yet. You're right Blissful about he's got lessons to learn and he's where he needs to be now to learn them. That brings with it a sense of peace. I always was suspicious about their feelings towards each other so I guess now I'm out of the picture they can work out what they want to do. I'm so glad to be out of the toxic paranoid friendships I had with both of them. I'm going walking today with my truly best friend since childhood who I have had minimal contact with over the past 2 years due to work and family stuff so am looking forward to seeing her. I know I'm being watched over and I can see this is all part of a grand plan. I just need to prepare myself for those rough days. And for his recycle attempt which I 100% know will come at some stage. Xx

[AG]

Narellan thanks for writing this. Ive been low riding this site for days now trying to snap out of being angry. I feel like I want justice as well. I wanted or should I say want(deep down I still do but am trying to push it away) justice to be served. I too do firmly believe in Karma. In my younger days I had Karma smack me in the face for my wrongs. Im with you on the recycle thing as well. Your thoughts are literally on the same page with that one I know it's coming just don't know when and Im really hoping and trying to get stronger and healthier before that happens. My friend who knows what happened knows its coming and now I have a therapist as of last week who Ive started to see who says its probably going to come as well. My father said its coming as well. We need to prepare ourselves. Please be strong. Im trying to do the same.

[Narellan]

Yes AG we are often sharing similar thoughts. We have to plan and prepare as if its a tornado. I think the things that help me are visualising different scenarios and visualising my response. I'm certain he's going to come to my door one day. He did that last split when I refused to answer his calls or FB messaging. He became desperate, when I didn't respond. So I have it in my head when he comes, of course I'm gonna be looking exceptionally hot, answer the door with a big smile, as I always do, see that it's him, and lose the smile and close the door . I actually am looking forward to it. After the door closes tho is where I lose strength because I can see him standing there pleading and me sitting crying on the other side of the door. I'm not happy with that bit. Hopefully with a bit more time and space I will walk away from the door, turn the radio in and ignore. I only have a couple if scenarios but they all involve me rebuffing him without a word. It's strengthening me to think I can do this.

It's all about the 7 P's

"Proper prior planning prevents pi$$ poor performance "

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Its so weird u posted this today and you got that texg

Of her asking you not expose her secrets...

Have you thought about that?

[Narellan]

Omg... . I posted that yesterday when I was angry. Do I think she might be looking at this board? I mentioned to her once I was researching his illness. I'm being paranoid now. Am I

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Im sorry I didnt mean to male u paranoid! Just think its weird!

We draw to us whatever we put out,in the,universe I suppose "

[Narellan]

No ... She would never find me on here. She asked me on sat not to share her secrets. She'll be forever stressed about that. I know way too much. If she saw any of these posts she would bring it all out in the open, which she hasn't . Hasn't linked our friendship split to my ex BPD or shed be justifying her part  in it. But yeah it's kinda freaky the timing. I've never expressed those thoughts before. She's worried and paranoid. Maybe I'd better avoid posting my own threads for a while.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Im sorry!  I honestly wouldnt worry about ot...

Even if she is so what you know?

Youre speaking the truth about what happenes to you

[blissful_camper]

Hi Narellan,

I wouldn't worry about it.  She is too caught up in her dramas.  It's the timing fairy at work. 

[Narellan]

Lol yeah when I told her that I was talking with people about BPD she didn't acknowledge that she even heard this... . She was checking her phone actually. Probably to see if he had messaged her

She's so caught up in her affair with married guy going belly up the night before I defriended her. I doubt she's thinking about me much at all. Just in damage control via she told me too much.

[blissful_camper]

Lol yeah when I told her that I was talking with people about BPD she didn't acknowledge that she even heard this... . She was checking her phone actually. Probably to see if he had messaged her

She's so caught up in her affair with married guy going belly up the night before I defriended her. I doubt she's thinking about me much at all. Just in damage control via she told me too much.

That damage control is projection on her part.  She probably would not keep secrets when a friendship ended.  That's why she's worried that you won't keep hers.  She sounds an awful lot like my former best friend. 

[Narellan]

Well what I saw of her posts to my ex BPD wasn't nice. Talking " she'll get over it. She always does this. Gets too rapt up in people." Like I'm the sick one for falling in love. And he responded " yeah wont be too long then and she'll start another cycle" with another guy I assume. I feel sick about it. I don't do that at all. I do attach easily to partners, I'm not a one night stand girl at all, I hate it. He called me an alcoholic and she laughed. Did not defend me at all. He also sweetly days to her" I hope you don't mind me taking about Narellan, but all I wanted was a friendship and she just smothered me" and she replied that's ok she didn't mind. And again no defending me. Even tho when I told her the details of why the split she said " he's crazy... . He was posting so many photos everyday of u both happy together with comments like " finding calm amongst the chaos" and under one photo he posted " sometimes the wrong road leads u to the right place" she said to me he behaved as tho he was in love with you. And she gets a chance to challenge him and she doesn't!

I can't think anymore about this today, I can feel a knot coming in my stomach.

She's a deceitful bi#ch. advising me for weeks to keep NC with the " nut job" WOW! I want to scream... . It sickens me.