Today is the 8th day of NC.

[sirius]

Today is the 15th day or maybe 14th day of NC, I hope she doesn't call and I think/guess she has moved on to someone new. Anyway, after finding out from phone records that she's been cheating for the past 12 years and also started calling up guys 2 days after we broke up, it makes it easier for me not to look back and i felt the 12 years was a lie. I have made good progress addressing the pink elephant and I hope this would stay.

Urge of texting and missing her is almost gone and the thing is, what I am doing most now is thinking a lot of the things she said to me while she was cheating on me as if I am trying to figure out what was a lie and when did she do it that I did not noticed about it. I don't think that is good and I have to stop talking about her. I started addressing her as my exGF now, using the word EX.

[Split black]

Thanks Banshee and Narellan... .

It's been like 12 or 13 days now NC? I lost exact count of it.

Went to visit my mom yesterday... . took a 3 hours drive... . reminded me and her again on our last trip there in December... . was sad remembering the conversation we had at that time

Bro... . I feel for you man... . truly. I get absolutely ashamed at my own weakness having gone thru only one year of lies, cheating, manipulating, blackmail, stealing, and did I say CHEATING. Yet slinking back for her sex and rollercoaster drama ugh. The insanity made normal life boring. But now... . its soo nice to just relax and think about playing golf or tennis with my buddies again.  I cant imagine the prison you have been in. I can not imagine the pain and suffering when I hear stories of attachments for decades... .  thank the gods I  busted her as many times as I did... . thank the gods she split me black and banished me... . ( and then contacted me after a smear campaign)  Yeah... . running back 4 times was enough for a lifetime.

Stay strong, good luck.

You owe yourself so much more then that ... . we get one life... . no do overs... . recover the best you can... . and try to remember not all women are total asss.

[Emelie Emelie]

Well today would have been my 8th day of NC but I screwed up.  I was having a total sob fest melt down.  I texted.  I said I am just trying to understand what happened here.  It was just so sudden.  What happened?  He absolutely shredded me.  I am horrible, hurtful, self-centered, think I can do no wrong.  He has made a decision that I will never "leave him" or "tell him to go away" again.  I "insist" on engaging him which only frustrates him and makes him act like an a$$hole which gives me more ammunition "against him".  He doesn't want anything to do with me ever again.  "Is that CLEAR enough?"

Major freaking ouch.  I was asking him about what led to the falling out.  Where he screamed and yelled at me and I said I was "done with this".  He was talking about the aftermath.  I did say some nasty things to him.  Called him abusive.  Told him he was seriously f'ed up.  Not capable of a rs.  That he hurts people and takes no responsibility for it.  I posted about it.  I wasn't proud of myself.  I was pretty sure he'd never forgive me for that.  And it looks like he won't.  I'll take responsibility for my part.  And I know I had some responsibility for what led up to it.  I knew he was feeling insecure.  (Not why but that he was.)  I knew that was where a lot of his criticism and abusive behavior was coming from.  I didn't deal with it well. 

I responded that I was sorry for hurting him.  I regretted the things I said.  I would not attempt to engage him further.  I loved him.

So that's that.  I'm devastated.  Really am.  I can't deal with him hating me.  Once again I know it needs to be over but I just have the hardest time letting go.  Now I don't have much choice.  I hope my pride will prevent me from ever reaching out again.  It has to.  God this sucks.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Em, I have done EXACTLY as you have done.  We are human, we were abused and finally had enough.  You apologized, feel good about that.  What he replied to today? Don't (try) to over analyze, but some of what he said was probably projection, he is disordered, his thoughts do not line up.

Forgive yourself and move on, tomorrow is a new day.  I have been exactly where you are, and I understand.  "if you love something set it free... . ". In our case, detach with love. 

CiF

[Narellan]

Emilie my hearts breaking for you. I totally understand how you feel. Don't feel responsible for this. It might just be the turning point you need to really see who he is. But the complete devastation you're feeling now I felt a few weeks back. What got me through was spending hours on here , spending hours sobbing, grieving the loss. It's taken me weeks to feel a bit better. Keep posting on here, and I think you can see NC now is the only way to get over this.  Do you have some friends you can talk to? Admittedly I couldn't face anyone for days, I just needed to curl up in bed and cry like I'd died a thousand deaths when I discovered his  affair with my best friend. I couldn't see a way through it. But after a few days the answers came to me, and I have improved. But for now sweetie feel the pain. It is what you will remember if he contacts you again. If you need to talk I'm home today, feel free to message if u want. Xxx

[Banshee]

I am horrible, hurtful, self-centered, think I can do no wrong.  He has made a decision that I will never "leave him" or "tell him to go away" again.  I "insist" on engaging him which only frustrates him and makes him act like an a$$hole which gives me more ammunition "against him".  He doesn't want anything to do with me ever again.  "Is that CLEAR enough?"

I hurt so bad reading that... just shocked,,I'm so sorry :'(

You have to wonder what evil could someone be possessed with to  say this with 8 days of not speaking to them.

I know of NOTHING that would  have me react to someone in this way.

Has he ever said anything like this before?

On one hand he sounds angry but on another he seems just  miserable.

Get back on that no contact ,it's hard but we're here for you

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you Banshee.  I guess he has said some of it before.  The first time he broke up with me because I "walked out on him" one night when he was being super abusive.  He was never going to let me "walk out" on him again.  Of course that wasn't why... . which he later admitted.  It's how he orchestrates break ups.  He did the same thing this time.  He was ranting and raging and I said "I'm done with this" and now he's never going to let me do that to him again.  He has told me he would never speak to me again more than once.  But he never broke off contact or ignored me before.  I think there are a couple of things going on here:

1.  He promised me the world if I would only come back to him.  Then the "hating" started all over again.  After the ranting and raging argument I called the next day to try and work it out.  He wouldn't take my call.  He hasn't "spoken" to me since.  Making it my fault alleviates his guilt for dumping me again and it's how he'll explain it to people. 

2.  He asked me for a big favor early last week.  Financial in nature.  After the abusive behavior and dumping me again.  I replied "Are you f'ing kidding me?".  Proceeded to ask him if he had any idea how I felt right now?  I felt used and discarded.  He knew I was terrified to get back into this rs.  I just didn't want to go through this pain again.  And here I was.  That he had made me a lot of promises... . none of which he kept.  Etc.  His response was cruel and dismissive (I suppose he was embarrassed to ask and I said no on top of it).  And I lost it.  I told him exactly who I thought he was.  It wasn't pretty.  And I called him on some things that I knew he couldn't face.  Some things he had done to other people.  Things that cost him life long friendships.  That he had created stories about to alleviate his guilt, his responsibility.  He can't face those things and he now knows I know the truth.  (I never said anything before.)  He lives with all this SHAME.  I held up a mirror.  He can't handle that.  I see him as he really is and he can't live with that.  I have to be wrong.  I have to be bad.  He has to hate me now.  I don't think there's any coming back from this.

I do feel terrible for hurting him that way.  He's said a lot of equally awful things to me over the course of our rs but I'm supposed to be the healthier one, right?  Good, bad, and terrible I still love him.  My "engaging" him consisted of one text last week asking that we not leave it this way.  He said it hurt less this way.  I told him to go away.  How else was there to leave it?  I said like we mattered to each other.  I apologized (again) about the things I said.  I took a lot of responsibility.  He never responded.  That was it until today. 

[sirius]

Split Black, thank you... . i can see what you mean now. Prison? I have been to prison for false accusation and was acquitted, prison feels nothing like that, the folks there were more caring.

I once place a gun on my forehead and pulled the trigger... . the cartridge did not went off for some reason i don't know why... . now I knew the answer, its not me that is insane, i was driven to madness.

Emelie, as much as I melt down missing her and want to soothe her pain and reach out, everytime she would just trash me and devalue me more... . to the point I have no more remorse or sympathy for her... . like Cardinals said, if you love something set it free... . I would say, if you love yourself and also him, set both free... .

Felling hurt and lost is natural as we lost someone we once loved dearly and still is. Now that we know why we are where we are and who they are or were, pick up the pieces and TRY not to look back, one day we will know the answer as to why the relationship has failed. The relationship failed not because of one person, so don't blame yourselves for it.

by not keeping NC i guess we are just in circular conversation... . it doesn't solve anything contacting them or hearing from them.

[Banshee]

I guess he has said some of it before.  The first time he broke up with me because I "walked out on him" one night when he was being super abusive.  He was never going to let me "walk out" on him again.  Of course that wasn't why... . which he later admitted.  It's how he orchestrates break ups.  He did the same thing this time.  He was ranting and raging and I said "I'm done with this" and now he's never going to let me do that to him again.  He has told me he would never speak to me again more than once.  But he never broke off contact or ignored me before.  I think there are a couple of things going on here:

This is interesting to me ... pwBPD like to blame everything on the SO... I'm very surprised that more don't provoke a break up so it too will be blamed on the NON.

This is what my ex did he would go off and get frustrated and I would HAVE to go ... I couldn't sit there any longer ... But just like you I would turn around and call or text ... trying to fix from a distant to be met with Oooh NO you broke up and abandoned me and I'm not doing it anymore.

I remember one time real early in our relationship where were having  a spat ... I asked him... If you want to break up let me know... he text back and said I just can't do it ... you will have to. Now at the time I thought that is a cute and sweet as a bunny with hiccups... he can't break up with me ... Ohh How I love us! ... WRONG ... I realized he couldn't break up because he didn't want to take the blame ... he wanted me to be at fault like all the other stuff I was blamed for.

Also just like your situation the break up is also different ... alot worse... everything went to minimum almost to silence... if he would answer by text it would be 2-3 word replies... refused to speak on the phone or see me... He was the one to abandoned the relationship but yet screamed so loud over the phone early on "YOU F-n fix it you F-n broke it! I did everything he asked to do to get back together ... every hoop I jumped only to watch him fade away in darkness.

Don't beat yourself up and feel bad for him... I said some awful stuff to my ex too... we can't go from soul to soul sucking the emotional life out of ppl like them ... you were angry you had the right to be and he probably deserved every word. We   you and we're here for you

[Narellan]

Good words Banshee