I wish I had a normal family

[Cloudy Days]

I've been really depressed lately. I'm sort of at a crossroads, trying to figure out if I really want to stay with my dBPD husband. If I am to leave my husband I would probably go live with my alcoholic parents and my alcoholic uncle until I get on my feet. They aren't mean or abusive and have always been supportive of me however, who wants to be around a bunch of drunks all the time? My Uncle is hard to tolerate, very loud, always repeats himself and complains constantly and he lives with my parents. My mom told me my brother wished me Happy Birthday from Prison. He actually got sent to prison the day before my Birthday (he's a drug addict and steals). The older I get the more apparent it is that my family is not normal. I have cousins and aunts and uncles that to me look completely normal on the outside my grandparents were all normal. How did it go so wrong in my family? I had been seeing a therapist and she pointed out to me that I have the personality of someone who was neglected as a child. Neglected because my parents fought constantly and drank a lot. I am 30 now, I honestly was under the impression that my family was completely normal and I lived a normal childhood, until I started going to therapy. Now, I see how everything actually was, the fog has been lifted. Every family get together my family was the awkward outcasts, my Dad couldn't get out of there fast enough. Which made me not close with any of my family. You see, everyone else is close, they all have get togethers and talk on a regular basis, most of my cousins have been best men or brides maids for each other. But that's not really the point, it's just one of those things that makes me open my eyes more to how my family is so dysfunctional. So I grow up and find a man that is probably more dysfunctional than my entire family and I love him more than anything. He makes me feel terrible about my family, heck he doesn't even have to make stuff up they give him plenty of ammunition. He wants nothing to do with them. He actually made the choice to stop drinking, which is my prayers answered. But now he really lays it on thick on how much he hates my parents. So it makes it hard to see them. I love my family, I love my husband. Why the heck can't any of them be normal? I feel I am the most sane one out of all of them, however I am screwed up, I married a man with BPD, I have anxiety issues, trust issues and I am very antisocial to the point I feel like I have at least mild avoidant personality disorder. I just don't understand why I can't have one stable normal human being in my life. I have no friends, the one friend I did have my husband hates so I don't speak to her. But she wasn't even a good friend so I can't blame him for hating her. I realize now that I choose damaged people to be around me, my other friend was a compulsive liar in high school. Lies told to impress people not to hurt them, so I know why she did it and I accepted her for what she was. It's like I feel safer around damaged people. 

I just wondered if anyone can relate? Is everyone in this world really crazy and we just don't see it because they put on a good show? I doubt it... . I feel like life shouldn't be so hard, so why is it so hard for me? It makes me want to run away from home at 30.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Cloudy, In my view, we're all damaged to a greater or lesser extent, so I doubt that you will ever find the ideal family members, because no such normal family members have ever been identified!  On a more serious note, I think the real question is, given the family you have, what are you going to do about it?  Do you want to stay with your pwBPD?  Do you want to leave him?  Are you undecided?  We've all been in these different stages and the key, in my view, is finding out what is right for you.  How do you go about it?  Well, listening to your gut feelings is a good place to start.  Go somewhere quiet or take a walk, and allow yourself to do some thinking from the neck down.  What is your gut telling you to do?  Only you know the answer.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Cloudy Days]

I guess I've never learned to follow my gut, because no matter what I am always uneasy about things. I talked to my husband last night about the fact that how we were raised made us think that fighting every day was a normal thing. I guess that's what I see as not normal, I know that not everyone goes home almost everyday to fight with their spouse. However that was normal to both me and my husband growing up and now it feels normal to both of us when we do it. Except that we do know it's not normal and we both know that it's pretty miserable to live through. I get sick of having a conversation with my husband every day about whether or not we should stay together, his choice of conversation. But he always throws it on me to make the decision for us and I know he's just feeling me out. I've had too many of the conversations to know they are a trap and his favorite time to start talking about it is when I am getting ready to go to bed. I think I am stuck in the rut of just trying to keep the peace at this point. Because I'm not really ready for the war that will ensue if or when I do decide to leave. He's not going to play by the rules. I have been waiting for it to feel right. But is it ever going to feel right to leave someone you love? I've known for awhile now that I am leaning towards leaving, but every time I get in front of him I can't tell him I don't want him. I guess it's because I do want him, or I guess maybe it's the idea of him. I know I am very addicted to him and addictions aren't healthy.