crashing again today

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

These waves of despair are all consuming. I knew when i woke up today it was going to be one of those bad days. Nothing has triggered it. I felt strong and calm yesterday, but ive woken up crying and Im really struggling to get a grip. Its a struggle to do the basic things in my day. Like getting my kids off to school this morning and putting on the happy mum face was draining. So theyre off to school, and i drove home, got on here, made an appointment with my T and im back in bed crying. I just posted about being 7 weeks NC yesterday and im feeling sad that he hasnt tried to reconnect. I will reject him of course, but the mere fact that he hasnt tried has me in despair again. The longest NC before this was 10 days. I know hes moved on, I want him out of my life so why am i so sad?

[Narellan]

These waves of despair are all consuming. I knew when i woke up today it was going to be one of those bad days. Nothing has triggered it. I felt strong and calm yesterday, but ive woken up crying and Im really struggling to get a grip. Its a struggle to do the basic things in my day. Like getting my kids off to school this morning and putting on the happy mum face was draining. So theyre off to school, and i drove home, got on here, made an appointment with my T and im back in bed crying. I just posted about being 7 weeks NC yesterday and im feeling sad that he hasnt tried to reconnect. I will reject him of course, but the mere fact that he hasnt tried has me in despair again. The longest NC before this was 10 days. I know hes moved on, I want him out of my life so why am i so sad?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Babygirl im so sorry  it comes in waves I saved a pic of him on fb and put,it,in my phone

I am not,mad at him at all I miss him, and I love him

makes it harder.

And Im hurt he hasnt contacted me too

[Narellan]

Ive got heaps of photos i struggle not to look at. Lots were taken just days before the split while we were on holidays. Its just so brutal the way he ditched me and took up with my bestfriend only hours after professing his undying love. So traumatic.

[Narellan]

I feel like i miss him and love him too.

Its like he died.

[drv3006]

I understand completely. And i blocked mine and wondered why he didn't try. I unblocked today and it made me sicker. I guess I will have to block again.  But you are not alone.   Even though we know to save our sanity we have to stay away, it does not make our compassion and love any less.   

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I unblocked mine hoping for him to contact...

And he just turned around and blocked me back.

[LettingGo14]

This is a process, with ups and downs.   There are stages of detachment, stages of grief, and times when we don't feel like thinking about any of it.

I have done all of the above - block and unblock, contact and no contact, view FB and block FB, delete photos but not all.    For me -- I was feeding an addiction.   If I am blunt with myself, the very first step I had to take was to admit to myself that it was an addiction.   I needed "fixes" of my ex.   I was in the FOG.   I was scared of life without her.

I think you are doing very good work -- each of you.  The challenge for us is that we continue to circle our sources of pain.  It keeps up attached when we give power to someone else to make us feel good or bad.

No Contact is a tool to give ourselves space.   I am learning it should not be a cell in which I lock myself.   So, as we sit through this pain together, what can we do truly detach?   

How do we take care of ourselves?   How do we stop giving someone else power over us? 

[Narellan]

I have no idea. I have no clue how to help myself. I was just thinking before, what can i do to feel happy, feel complete. The first thing that came to mind was to go overseas and build a well, or a school in some third world place. Closer to home i thought, ill go and volunteer in the local soup kitchen. These couple of things made me feel slight happiness. Until i asked myself why. Neither of them involve me doing something for me. Doing for others is all i know to make me feel happy. I work with disabled people, i take meals to my sick friends, i take my friend to her chemotherapy an hour away. I dont do these things for any approval or attention from anyone, i do it to get approval from myself. Everything that makes me happy is about doing for others. I was raised in a very christian household. But it wasnt drummed into me and i wasnt brainwashed, im just happy i am that person.

So where do i start to help myself? and stop myself falling again for another flawed person than needs me?

[drv3006]

Well interesting question. How do we do this. Well i am in a 12 step program and i use my steps. 1. I am powerless over XYZ and he made my life unmanageable  2 came to believe there is a power greater than myself to restore my sanity (i have no power to fix him only someone greate) and 3 made a decision to turn my life over to my god who can handle this cause i cannot. Then i do a fourth step and so on.  Sometimes i think it was easier to quit drinking. Over six years sober. And stayed sober through almost two years with this insanity. I am kinda proud

[LettingGo14]

Everything that makes me happy is about doing for others. I was raised in a very christian household. But it wasnt drummed into me and i wasnt brainwashed, im just happy i am that person.

So where do i start to help myself? and stop myself falling again for another flawed person than needs me?

I'm on this journey like you Narellen, so I'm not an expert.  But I'll share some things I'm trying with you. 

1. I am trying to accept the loss of the relationship by letting myself feel bad.  Feelings come like a thunderstorm, and more and more, they just pass after a while.  I identify the feelings (anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, shame), and allow them.   I try not to indulge them with negative self-talk anymore.  Instead I tell myself there's nothing more I could have done for the relationship.  It doesn't matter if I'm abandoned, or replaced.  I am going get myself back. 

2. I work with the list of 10 things that keep us stuck.  I write about each.  Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

You are clearly an empathetic person.   That's a good thing.  Brene Brown has great TED talk about letting yourself be vulnerable, even if it means we get hurt from time to time.  Have you seen it?

[LettingGo14]

I am kinda proud

You should be drv!  That is awesome.  I think the 12-steps, especially step 4, is an excellent way to focus attention.   Listing fears, resentments, wrongs, and working through each.

[Jb101]

Try and be strong :-)

It's an addiction, like quiting cigarettes. And they say even if it's bad and you do the wrong thing - never quit quiting. In our case, never quit on getting better. It's sometimes day by day, sometimes minute by minute, but turn around after the moment, and keep trying to get stronger, you will. Just wish I could take my own advice!

[Narellan]

Lol JB, I've been trying to give up cigarettes too! Just took up smoking 2 years ago to give me comfort after my marriage breakdown. I've got a very addictive nature. If I drank I'd be an alcoholic prob ( which My ex BPD says I am) if I played the porkies I'd prob get hooked. I know that's why I'm so hooked on my ex. Hurts like hell and very hard work to overcome. I actually told him I felt addicted to him ( sex mainly) like heroin I was crazy out of control. I'm 48, never been out of control in my life and I loved it

[Perdita]

I have no idea. I have no clue how to help myself. I was just thinking before, what can i do to feel happy, feel complete. The first thing that came to mind was to go overseas and build a well, or a school in some third world place. Closer to home i thought, ill go and volunteer in the local soup kitchen. These couple of things made me feel slight happiness. Until i asked myself why. Neither of them involve me doing something for me. Doing for others is all i know to make me feel happy.

I hear you about doing for others all the time.  Can you think back to a time when you were happy?  What were the things that made you excited about life?  Remember your teenage self.  What did she love?  What were some of the things she wanted to do in life? 

There will be times when you will find yourself back in bed crying.  The important thing is that you be strict with yourself about how much time you will spend like this.  You'll have plenty of time at night to lie in bed and cry before you fall asleep.  Not ideal either, I know.  During the day you have to limit and fight it.  Go for a walk in the park, jogging, or do anything that will get you out.  Will you instantly feel good again?  No, but at least you won't be falling deeper down that dark hole either.   Staying in bed feeling bad has a way of making our worlds very very small.  I went to bed feeling sad last night and woke up feeling the same way.  Decided to take a trip just out town for the day. I left with a heavy heart, but started to feel stronger as the day went on.  I allowed myself to experience something other than the 4 walls of my bedroom and the comfort of my bed.  Oh and whatever you do Narellan, don't allow yourself to listen to sad music!  I realized after my last crises that I need to stay away from that.  I skip over the sad tracks and listen to upbeat ones.  The idea is not to embrace things that will bring us down even more.  How are you doing today?  I agree that it is an addicton.

[Narellan]

Hi Perdita, lots for me to think about ,  thank you 

I'm pretty good today. Up early and out to watch my son play footy, nice sunny day. Going into work in a few hours. I sat up last night and had a few drinks with my 20 yo son and his friend who is having probs at home and needed support. It was the first time I've seen my son emotional. Lots of group hugs and a few tears and lots and lots of talking. It's the first time my son has shared his private life with me in many years. I was amazed by some if their challenges. They chose to stay home and hang out with me and it's the first time I've had a few drinks with my son, and I was overwhelmed by his compassion for his friend. He's such a quiet boy usually. So instead of a boring night home on my own, I was thrilled to spend quality time with my son and his mate. I feel happy today.

I love the beach and bush walking I'm pretty outdoorsy sort of girl, but these ate lonely activities when you're on your own. I love reading but I can't keep my mind on it. And yes I hear you about the music. My favourite song is bridge o re troubled waters, and it just makes me sadder now. Also exBPD asked me what our song was. It was just before a push week so I sent him a link to big worlds "say something" when we got back together he told me he hates that song didn't listen to it, just deleted. Of course he would hate it, it's about someone giving up on you. I can't listen to that now either. I'm keeping a strong mind today xx

[Emelie Emelie]

Narellan I'm so glad to hear you're feeling happy today.  Hope you'll be able to string many of those happy days together soon. 

[Narellan]

Thanks Emilie, I hope you can too. 

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry to hear that today has been such a difficult day.  I've been there too.  It's ok to have bad days.  Don't be upset with yourself for it.  We all have them.  You've been through an extremely emotionally damaging experience.  It is bound to take time to recover from that.   It's like we've been in the emotional equivalent of a plane crash.  It's not something you really can just walk away from fine.  Healing will take time.

Be good to YOU!  Be gentle with yourself.  You've been through a true ordeal.  I hope and pray that tomorrow will be a better day for you.   

Edit:  I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better today!  Didn't realize the post date from yesterday.  Still wishing you the best!

[Perdita]

Hi Perdita, lots for me to think about ,  thank you 

I'm pretty good today. Up early and out to watch my son play footy, nice sunny day.

You're welcome.  So glad that you have the courage to push through the pain and go out and enjoy these moments with your son.   

So instead of a boring night home on my own, I was thrilled to spend quality time with my son and his mate. I feel happy today.

That's wonderful to hear.  To think you would have missed out on that had you stayed in!  I'm so proud of you for getting up and out and spending time with people that appreciate you. It is things like this that help with the healing process. 

I love the beach and bush walking I'm pretty outdoorsy sort of girl, but these ate lonely activities when you're on your own.

That's what I use to think too.  A friend of mine has been posting lots of photos of her hiking with a group.  I was surprised to see that it is not a couples type thing.  Mostly woman and it is a over 40s group.  Do a bit of research and I am sure you will find a group specifically for women.  Outdoor activities can be very therapeutic.  I need to get back into that myself.  Work off the anger that's been building up inside of me and be around new people.

I love reading but I can't keep my mind on it.

Same here. Love it, but my concentration isn't back at its normal level yet.

Also exBPD asked me what our song was. It was just before a push week so I sent him a link to big worlds "say something" when we got back together he told me he hates that song didn't listen to it, just deleted. Of course he would hate it, it's about someone giving up on you. I can't listen to that now either. I'm keeping a strong mind today xx

Interesting that you should mention this.  My BPbf has a way of never tolerating my music for more than a track or two before replacing it with one of his CD's.  It is something that has irritated me almost from the start.  Our musical taste is very similar so I feel this could be another manifestation of control.

[Narellan]

Made a mistake and started watching a movie " something borrowed" cos It came on tv and I liked the actors. Just saw the part where the best friends are declaring their loyalty and love for each other, and that nothing will ever come between them , but one of them is sleeping with the others boyfriend behind her back. And suddenly I'm crying again. Can't even watch a movie without being reminded of my life. It just sucks.

I'm ok tho, it was just unexpected. Caught me off guard.

[Perdita]

Can't even watch a movie without being reminded of my life. It just sucks. I'm ok tho, it was just unexpected. Caught me off guard.

It happens to me sometimes too.