Sister in her 40s who won't seek help

[spots]

Hi there, I hope someone can help as I am at my wits end. I am pretty sure my sister has BPD. I have been seeing a therapist due to the inability to deal with her behavior (outlined below) and the therapist confirmed what me and my other sibling thought all along - she has BPD.

Her behaviour:

Had problems with renoavitng and blamed it on my parents

Said my dad 'ruined' her life

Moved to my parents

Is not working, nor looking for work

Blames everyone for her predicament

Said she feels like killing herself

Is so ANGRY, that seems to be the main problem, rather than depression

If she sees a friend, she is all sweetness and light, they have no idea how vile she is to her family

She refuses to see a therapist - saw one for a few weeks and then said it was a waste of time and money, even though my parents offer to pay for a new one. She refuses to get help and is getting deeper and deeper into this victim mentality. My parents are almost having a breakdown themselves trying to deal with her at home - and she is in her 40s, not an adolescent. Recently, she started waking them up to rant.

What do I do? I have just ordered some of the books recommended her and apart from seeing a counselor, what do I do? Call the police when she threatens suicide (she has said in the past she 'didn't mean it, was just angry'.

Any help would be much appreciated.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, spots, and 

Many people with BPD will never seek treatment. The disorder often makes it extremely difficult for them to recognize problems in their own behavior. It can be difficult for those of us who love them to accept that they may not change--the disorder is painful for them and for us.

You ask a really good question--"What do I do?" It is unlikely that you will be able to convince your sister that she needs help, and looking after yourself is important. Talking with a therapist is a really great step, and you are already doing that.  You will probably also need to identify and take care of your personal boundaries. This workshop is a good place to start:BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

In terms of what to do when she threatens suicide, it is a good idea to have a plan in place. Your therapist will probably be able to help you with this, or our Staff can put you in touch with a local suicide prevention hotline. It is important to take all suicide threats seriously. Sadly, about 10% of people with BPD do complete suicide. People who are experiencing suicidal ideation need professional help. If they will call a hotline or therapist on their own, that is best. If not, it may be necessary to call help for them, even though they may resent it. This workshop may have some good information: TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

How are you feeling about finding out your sister has BPD? What are your interactions with her like?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[spots]

Hi PF,

Thanks so much for your reply. Things are getting worse and she is being verbally abusive to my dad every day now, saying he ruined her life (because he hired a contractor who made problems to her renovation) and saying she wants to get a gun and shoot herself. She also sometimes hits herself in the head when she is in this rage.

She has seen two psychiatrists, the first one suggested medication, the second one said she didn't need it but would benefit from a 'rest' at a residential centre - so I am assuming he has diagnosed BPD and is trying to get her to a treatment centre without bombarding her with everything.

Anyway, my dad is suffering from anxiety, heart palpitations and depression and has reached his limit and needs to ask her to move out of the house.

The problem is I know she will threaten suicide so my dad and myself are going to my therapist tomorrow to come up with a strategy. I am thinking he will have to ask her to move out (difficult, since she is not working and doesn't have many friends) and put up with the consequences. It is getting to the point though that I have to choose between my dad and my sister - my dad has said he feels like he is going to have a heart attack, and myself, my mum and my other sister are also not coping, so I guess it is at the point of 4 people suffering or one.

Have you dealt with BPD families before who have struggled with the last straw and asking the BPD person to move out?

Thanks again for your help.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, spots,

I have been away for a while and am just seeing your reply. Sorry to leave you hanging.

The problem is I know she will threaten suicide so my dad and myself are going to my therapist tomorrow to come up with a strategy.

How did that meeting go? 

It is getting to the point though that I have to choose between my dad and my sister - my dad has said he feels like he is going to have a heart attack, and myself, my mum and my other sister are also not coping, so I guess it is at the point of 4 people suffering or one.

I am sorry you feel you have to choose between your family members. Are you living with your parents also? What would it be like to let your parents handle their choices and your sister handle hers--and you can just look after you? How are you taking care of yourself?

PF

[SistersKeeper]

Hi spots,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation.  I have a very similar, almost identical, situation to yours.  I have a sister who runs roughshod over the whole family.  Our father passed away recently, and her behavior not only did not grow more compassionate or kind but became even more hostile toward the siblings and anybody she resents.  She has been berating us (two of the three siblings, including myself), as well as my mother, who she is trying to claim is not of sound mind, when in fact she has all of her faculties, still drives, and is pretty sharp for 84 years old, and in the midst of grieving her husband of 60 years!  She is constantly sending emails full of hate and fury.  I have tried to use boundaries as much as possible, like blocking her phone number on my cell phone and only receiving emails, but what makes it difficult is that my mother has a hard time maintaining her own boundaries, so it's hard to protect her.  I've been staying with my mom to help her through being a widow.  My sister will not seek help because to her, nothing's wrong -- it's everybody else who is a moron, stupid, incompetent, useless, manipulative, spoiled, etc etc etc.  The only advice I can really give is to try as much as possible to see yourself as individual, separate, independent from her.  I know how hard it is to see a parent suffering as a result of a sibling's hateful behavior, but ultimately they need to use their own boundaries.  Ultimately, everybody makes a choice.  I hope you will not have to choose between your father and your sister, but if you do, the most important thing is to protect yourself and stay healthy.

[spots]

Hi PF Change and Sisters Keeper, thanks so much for your replies. I have been quiet lately on this board as I have had a lot to deal with, so appreciate you replying. 

My sister was having a good week - acting almost normal again. She texted me that she made a good contact re: job, and was going to start looking. I was feeling hopeful, although at the back of my mind I thought "this is the calm before the storm". Sure enough, the storm came this morning. She woke up my parents at 6.00am, banging on the walls, banging her head saying she wanted to kill herself and my dad for ruining her life (my dad hired a worker in her house that unknowingly exposed her a little to some asbestos. Yes, this is bad, but it was minimal exposure and happened six months ago.) Now I think she has OCD regarding this, in addition to her BPD.

She said she felt like hitting my dad so my dad said, "go ahead", so she hit him. My parents called the ambulance and told them she needed help. Then the police came also, and she calmed right down, and all she seemed concerned about was whether the police report would be on her "record" and make it difficult for her to get a job! She is still very concerned about keeping up external appearances - her friends would have no idea that she turns into a raving violent person behind closed doors. My therapist said that still being vain and caring about external appearance is a good thing. When the police left, of course she went back to form and told my parents, "now I won't  be able to get a job - another reason to kill myself".

I felt better when I heard she was still concerned about job prospects - surely this means she has not given up all hope? I took my parents to see my therapist, and she said that they need to set boundaries around her talking about renovations and suing her carpenter, etc. She has made my dad and the carpenter scapegoats for her emotional crisis. She is obsessed about suing everyone now, and said if she cannot sue the carpenter, she will make sure he rots in jail if it's the last thing she does.

My question is, when is the right time to give her ultimatums? For example, she needs to go to a hospital, or see a psychiatrist twice a week, or take medication, or she cannot live with my parents. My parents are just about 70 and I don't think this situation, where she is living with them and being verbally abusive, which is turning into physical abuse, is longer an option. What do you all think?

I should mention also that my parents went away for the weekend to visit a dying friend, and I think having two days on her own made it worse - she was verbally harassing me on the weekend and now this latest incident. The more time she has to think, the worse she gets.

I guess I am just looking for some advice re: protecting my parents by getting her out of the house.

Thanks again.

[P.F.Change]

I guess I am just looking for some advice re: protecting my parents by getting her out of the house.

Why do you need to protect your parents? They are adults--able to make their own choices and protect themselves. Maybe it isn't your job to protect them.

You are seeing a therapist--that is a good step. What else are you doing to take care of you?

[spots]

Hi P.F that is a good point. I guess I just feel they are good people, they have done their best by us kids and have always given us everything we need. I feel like I need to help them because after living with her abuse for six months, they have lost their strength and sense of normalcy, I guess, and I think they find it hard to be strong with her, because she is, after all, their daughter. It's really hard to take a step back and just look after myself, especially since I have never had my parents ask me for help before or seen them so defeated.

[P.F.Change]

Maybe the best thing you can do is encourage them to seek some professional advice. They have talked with your therapist--maybe they would benefit from talking with one of their own. I think it's good that you care about them and want to help, and I also think you can't fix this for them.

What do you need for you?