Desperately need input on my own actions

[refusetosuccumb]

I am on day 7 of living on my own without uexBPDh l, just me and the kids. Its a small place but I can afford it on my own.

He is currently living in a hotel room, paid for by his mom. He only has it until tomorrow morning then he's homeless.

He has had the same amount of time as I did to secure a place for himself (a month). The straw that broke the camel's back was when I discovered he was still reaching out to ther women.  We are volatile together lots of the time.   So I decided to remove myself and the kids.

He has options he was being too picky.  Now he has nowhere to move to. He is eligible for assistance and has a community helper setting up appointments to see a place. I have left a facebook message for him to call asap for a viewing. He has no phone but has internet access.

I dont know what to do. I know hes going to come crying to me to stay with me, that im the one that kicked out a sick father (he has a whole host of dxs but wont take the meds because they make him feel weird.

I will not have him here. This is my space. The kids are thriving in the peace. No staying quiet, no being yelled at for being kids. They deserve the peace.

Should I just make him figure it out for himself? He had money to live on but am unsure if he spent it on frivolous stuff.

My reaction is to save him. But thats a skewed reaction to an unhealthy relationship. It just kills me to see him suffer, even though he has put me through hell. I will never take him back (btdt). But im unsure what the right answer is for the next few days.

[willtimeheal]

Let him figure it out on his own. You can only save yourself. It is up to him to save himself. Your responsibility is to you and your kids.

[BadKitty]

I would also let him figure it out on his own. I know this is easier said than done but I've had to do this before. I was terrified of the end results but it turned out fine. He picked himself up and got a job and is now taking care of himself. This won't always be the case but hopefully it will be in your situation. You must take care of yourself and your kids first. You deserve peace and happiness.

[LettingGo14]

I will not have him here. This is my space. The kids are thriving in the peace. No staying quiet, no being yelled at for being kids. They deserve the peace.

You may have answered your own question.  I realize you have so much going on right now, and it's all so soon, so take a deep breath and give yourself some kindness.  

What are your next steps?  Is this a trial separation or have you started process of divorce?

[rougeetnoir]

Another way to look at this is as extinction behavior-- if you've bailed out of him jams before, he's putting you in a place where he feels you'll have no choice but to bail him out again... . He's upping the stakes to try to force you into responding in the way he wants.

What is motivating you to save a guy who is a grown adult and refuses to help himself?  Empathy sure, but what other things? 

[AwakenedOne]

He is currently living in a hotel room, paid for by his mom. He only has it until tomorrow morning then he's homeless.

Can he stay at his moms house temporarily?

[refusetosuccumb]

I thank you all for your quick replies. To answer a few questions:

1. I have started divorce proceedings. We tried a trial separation last year. He left for another woman. I forgave him and gave him a year to prove himself. Checked his messages one yr later and found communication of hmm trying to hook up with at least 6 other women. He left himself logged on.

2. I dont know why Im so fearful of him failing. Thats either my enabling tendancies or codependancy at play.

3. No he cant stay with his mom. But im sure he can find a friends couch to crash on.  He just chose not to.

Gosh this is hard. Im really trying to do the right thing no matter how hard. I hate confrontation. He spent last night altetnatively yelling at me and telling me he loves me via facebook messages. I did not log on last night and he accused me of ignoring him. I let the kids have a friend each sleep over. We went to eat out. He accused me of seeing other men even though the day before he insisted I should date to "find myself and see how right we are for each other" barf. I only responded with asking him when he wants to talk to the kids.

I havent heard from him since.

[heartandwhole]

Hi refusetosuccumb,

I commend you for taking yourself out of a hurtful situation.  You are trying to take care of yourself and your kids right now.  It's only been 7 days, so it's very understandable that you feel a bit shaky, you are probably still in the FOG.

Be gentle with yourself and know that you have choices.  If your husband starts "yelling" at you on FB, you can log off.  If FB is too volatile a method of communication, you can transition to emails, which would give a lag time to compose yourself and think about what you want to say.

It is not your responsibility to find a home for your husband, try not to take that on – it doesn't belong to you.  He needs to take care of himself and deal with his situation.  He  has choices, just like you do.

You may want to check out Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody

Members there have been through similar situations and will have advice to guide you.

Hang in there, refuse.  You will get through this.  We're here for you.  

[refusetosuccumb]

UPDATE

Didn't hear from him by 9pm last night so I went to bed.  I physically moved myself and the kiddos to our new place and helped ex move his stuff into storage this week... . while working full time.  I'm exhausted. My 7yr old was at a sleepover and the 10yr old was already in bed so I took advantage of the quiet. 

I hear a facebook message pop up about 9:30pm, I ignored it because I was almost asleep.  Then the phone rings.  And rings.  I answer it.  It's ex.  First thing out of his mouth is "Are you picking up me and my stuff tomorrow?  I have to be out by noon" So I ask him where I'm taking the stuff too and he says "You're a heartless b___, I'm homeless"  I hang up.  He calls back, I answered letting him know if he's calling me names I will end the call.  He says he's sorry he called me names, but I keep pushing the buttons of a sick man and should know better because he's going through a lot right now.   (because my life is rainbows and sunshine at the moment, right?)

I forget how the rest of the conversation goes, but he ends up hanging up on me because I wasn't offering to let him stay here with us. 

I facebooked him that I was going back to bed and that he can let me know what his plans are via facebook if he wants to see the kids. 

I woke up this morning to a slew of messages from him, accusing me of ignoring him because I know it will make him mad (he knew I was going back to bed).  There are about 5 messages, going on and on about how evil I am, how I've taken everything away, and the kicker was this last part that basically embodies his BPD to a Tee: "You will never find anyone that loves you as much as I do.  If you would learn not to react to me, we could live happily ever after" 

I read that statement as "If you would just deal with the verbal abuse, we'd be fine" 

The kids want to see him today, which would be a normal visit day for him.  The plan was for him to come here to my new place and hang with the kids and I'd leave for a few hours.  I don't want them at the motel, it's pretty seedy and ex agrees with that. 

So I survived telling him No to staying here.  His mom will pay for one more night, as he goes to see a place tomorrow and could potentially move in on Tuesday.  He hasn't mentioned if he has any money left for anything, nor did I ask because I have nothing to give him (nor should I have to, I'm supporting 3 people off almost the same amount of money that he gets and somehow I'm able to cover our needs but he can't cover his)

I knew that this would ramp up once he was actually away from us.  I'm constantly on edge the past few days.  The first few nights here were absolute bliss.  Then he unexpectedly showed up at my door step, asking to see the kids.  This building is supposed to be secure access but someone propped open the side door and ex got in without buzzing me.  So now my peaceful oasis is not as secure as I thought it would be.  I just want him to go away.  But I'll always be tied to him via the children.

Speaking of the children, he's more concerned about talking to me than to them.  That makes me very sad on one hand, but if they can stay out of the drama, all the better for them.  This is ALL for them and I'll be damned if ex will derail that for them.  Ex did that for too many years.  Now it's time to keep my power, no matter how much that pisses ex off.

Please think good thoughts for me this week.  I called my T and left her a message yesterday.  She's terrific, a lot of times if she can't squeeze me in she will call me either after hours or on her lunch hour and talk me through something.  I need to get my head on straight so I can successfully work this week (I work with people with disabilities, they need me present while I'm with them).

I'm so mad at myself for allowing this situation to get to this point.  But then again, maybe I've just been a passenger in my own life for too long... . I'm now in the driver seat.