How to help a pwBPD repair THEIR family relationships

[ATLandon]

I know... . the topic sounds a bit off for this board but it is relevant. I'm in the very, very slow process of making plans to divorce. I know I won't file for at least a couple of years. I simply do not have the money or social support I need. With that said though, I also know that my wife doesn't have hardly any emotional support from anyone except for me. Out of all of her immediate family, she only keeps in touch with one sister. She hasn't spoken to her father in almost 20 years, hasn't spoken with her oldest sister in a decade, and hasn't spoken to her mother for nearly 5 years. The only family she regularly talks to is her maternal grandparents and the youngest sister I mentioned. Additionally, she doesn't have any close friends. She never has really. She completely relies on me for all emotional support and almost all social interaction.

I know that when the time comes for me to leave she will be completely devastated and have no one to turn to. The family she does keep in touch with lives several states away. I have been encouraging her for years to reconnect with her mother and older sister but to no avail. I'm afraid they have been permanently painted black. Lately I've been thinking about reaching out to her mom, especially since mother's day is coming up. It is risky and will likely cause a lot of strife in our relationship but I also know her family misses her and still cares about her.

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

You mentioned that it may cause strife with MIL if you contact her. Is this a situation where blood is thicker than water? She has split some of her family members black. It's a subconscious defense mechanism, that can't be controlled by external help. As much as I would like help my soon to be ex wife, there's nothing that I can do, she has to come around on her own.

Something with her family members has caused her to undervalue them, or split them black. As much as much as I wanted to help my wife, there are things that are simply out of my control. I had to look out for myself and the kids needs during divorce. Take care of you!

[mywifecrazy]

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

My uBPDxw has painted her entire family black in addition to painting me black. She no longer is involved with anyone in her family. She has isolated herself to her new r/s.  It's HER problem. No one else's! Her lifetime of telling lies is finally catching up with her and SHE has to live with it.

As a matter of fact I have remained friendly with her family so my kids can have a relationship with their Grand mom, Aunts, Uncles and cousins. It IS sad but it's her shame to bare.

I wouldn't worry about her relationship with her family or WHY she has painted them black. If she's like my X she'll just lie about it anyway.

[Turkish]

You mentioned that it may cause strife with MIL if you contact her. Is this a situation where blood is thicker than water? She has split some of her family members black. It's a subconscious defense mechanism, that can't be controlled by external help. As much as I would like help my soon to be ex wife, there's nothing that I can do, she has to come around on her own.

The relationships between my uBPDx and her immediate family were deteriorating a few years ago. Though having been somewhat frustrated with her her whole life, I was getting bad. Even her mother threw her hands up. My Ex had recently been officially dX'd with depression. I encouraged and convinced her to come out to them about this, as they would feel compassion (she felt shame). So she did and things got better. But as Mutt said, she has to make the decision.

[tired-of-it-all]

I very much struggle with this same issue.  Nevertheless, my wife's relationships with her family are not my business.  A wise counselor keeps telling me that if I leave she will survive.  She says that my wife will find another sucker and be whatever she needs to be toward him until she has him hooked.  I suspect this is true but I am weak.  I think this is the crux of what all on this website suffer.

What is it that we fear?  Has anyone out there left their BPDPartner and the worst happened?  What is the worst?  What do we fear?  Is it their suicide?  Is it that they will be destitute?  Have any of you left and what was the result?

[Turkish]

I very much struggle with this same issue.  Nevertheless, my wife's relationships with her family are not my business.  A wise counselor keeps telling me that if I leave she will survive.  She says that my wife will find another sucker and be whatever she needs to be toward him until she has him hooked.  I suspect this is true but I am weak.  I think this is the crux of what all on this website suffer.

What is it that we fear?  Has anyone out there left their BPDPartner and the worst happened?  What is the worst?  What do we fear?  Is it their suicide?  Is it that they will be destitute?  Have any of you left and what was the result?

This is juxstaposed with those nons here who wish to see their Exes suffer. When there is no outward indication of this, it elicits the same emotion.

I think it is two sides of the same coin of fear: that we were or are not that important.

[ATLandon]

Well, it seems like there is very clear consensus on this issue: leave it be. I guess it is my own feelings I'm more worried about really. Not having felt that I did everything I could have for her while still being together. I struggle with that issue a lot. That, and I see how much how my own relationship with my own immediate family has deteriorated since I first started dating my wife and I see how much that has hurt them, as well as me. I hate it. I just don't understand how my wife can want to be so distant from her own family over such trivial things. Alas, all I can do is work on my own issues and pray for my wife. Thanks for all the advice and input.

[Mutt]

Not having felt that I did everything I could have for her while still being together. I struggle with that issue a lot. That, and I see how much how my own relationship with my own immediate family has deteriorated since I first started dating my wife and I see how much that has hurt them, as well as me. I hate it. I just don't understand how my wife can want to be so distant from her own family over such trivial things. Alas, all I can do is work on my own issues and pray for my wife. Thanks for all the advice and input.

I pray for my wife too. She did so many trivial things as well, but it is a disorder.

[an0ught]

Hi ATLandon,

Well, it seems like there is very clear consensus on this issue: leave it be. I guess it is my own feelings I'm more worried about really. Not having felt that I did everything I could have for her while still being together. I struggle with that issue a lot. That, and I see how much how my own relationship with my own immediate family has deteriorated since I first started dating my wife and I see how much that has hurt them, as well as me. I hate it. I just don't understand how my wife can want to be so distant from her own family over such trivial things. Alas, all I can do is work on my own issues and pray for my wife. Thanks for all the advice and input.

Not always it the consensus right but in this case it is. What you ask is how can I help her and fix her life for her. This is co-dependent thinking, often not as helpful as we believe it to be and particularly in your current situation it would be absolutely counter-productive as you are crossing boundaries here and taking responsibility that is not yours.

What can you do? Focus on yourself. Rebuild your own side of relationships. Share how that is not all easy for you. Be a role model and be yourself.

[waverider]

Hate to say it but if you leave there is a good chance that she could put her family back in the white in order to paint you black. Truth is in her eyes she can get along very nicely without them while she has you.

You cant make a pwBPD get along with anyone, nor anyone else get on with a pwBPD, especially when there is a long history of "incidents' to pull to mind to reinforce each parties attitude.

You will only get stuck in the middle and carrying even more baggage.

Concentrate on what is right for YOU, you can't rescue and leave at the same time.

Your concern is one that has kept many in the RS far longer than they should, I went through this until I made a choice and staying became a choice not a default.